Were you a bully/bullied at school and how do you feel about it now??

[BackToB4Beatrice]

So..... When I was at school (left 9 years ago) I was pretty badly bullied by this boy. God knows why, bit he was a right evil bastard (obviously that's what I felt at the time- obviously he was just a kid/teenager at the time, and could of had things going on in his own life), but I remember feeling sick at the though of having to have lessons with him, and actually sometimes skipped lessons and sat in the toilets .

Long story short, he is now living with another girl who was at our school. She would def remember his behaviour towards me. They have now had a baby, my cousin is very good friends with this girls sister, and I have seen this girl sporadically since finishing school (very small town), friends on Facebook, occasional message/photo comment etc

Now, under normal circumstances, I would prossibly visit the couple and their new baby (lots of mutual friends, probably wouldn't be an indervidual visit), and take a small gift.
But, I just cannot bear the thought of crossing paths with this boy/man, sitting in his house, cooing over his baby etc knowing all these dreadful things he said to me (was verbal bullying only), and the things he said to embarrass me.

I will probably, just meet up with the mother down the line, accompanied by mutual friends, when she's up and about. So that's not really the AIBU.

More AIBU and immature about this? I really want him to feel terrible about what he did/said. Is that wrong?

Oh, I don't know, just fancied some cried on the matter I guess!

I was horrifically bullied at primary then through high school.

One of the girls came into the garage where I was working and told me I looked good and her man said, "Gawd you really were the swan from the ugly duckling!" It made me happy I'd turned him down years before and she told me "If you keep looking like that you'll get a man!" Kept smiling at her and they left. I then explained to my colleagues that they didn't need to know I was married and had a child.

If you have lots of mutual friends I would get a card and present for the woman and her baby, they have done nothing wrong (except the mother having atrocious taste in men but who knows - he might bully her too ) and she was kind to you, and just get a friend to drop it round for you when they visit. She will just assume you're busy or can't come round for whatever reason, and will be pleased to be thought of I'm sure. :)

You don't have to face this man if you don't want to, he sounds like an arse.

But don't do anything out of malice towards this man - a) it's giving him an importance he really doesn't deserve and b) it just seems wrong to be welcoming a new little baby in a way that is mixed with anger or hatred in any way.

Thanks for all your views.

Obviously I'm not disillusioned in to thinking that he is for certain still a bully. We have all changed, and are all different now.

I guess I just want some sort of apology/remorse/ acknowledgement. Which to be fair, I'm probably not going to get. So I need to get over that on my own terms.
Also elephants, I agree the gift thing has got a bit blurrd.

What I think I mean/feel, is that I would get the baby a gift because, the mother was/is nice, she bought my DD a gift, and we are very loosely friends/ acquaintances. That would be the reasons I would sen a gift. However if it jogged something in him to feel bad about what je did to me, I would have to admit that I would enjoy it IYSWIM?

I have been bullied, but in a separate instance at a different time (sixth form college) there was a girl who really wanted to be friends with me (she had no other friends) and I avoided becoming her friend.

I feel quite ashamed by it now. If I happened to come into contact with her now, I would definitely apologise.

If my former bully dared to speak to me (if our paths crossed!), and didn't immediately apologise, I would point out exactly how they behaved towards me, regardless of who they were with at the time or what situation we met in, because they should be ashamed of themselves.

It isn't good enough to just pretend it didn't happen. I don't think you are being the bigger person if you let them off the hook of owning their own behaviour.

OP you could post a gift or get one of your mutual friends to take a gift from you when they go and visit.

I was bullied but not terribly when I changed primary schools, so aged about 8. The bully is on facebook and is fairly immature. He requested me as a friend and I accepted out of curiosity, have now deleted him cause he's an idiot, not cause i bear a grudge, we were only 8.

I wouldn't take the bloke here a present, but then I'm meaner than you in that I only visit and take presents for people who are good friends of mine and this girl just sounds like a casual acquaintance if you've never had to meet her with her husband before now. You could just post a card.

I was bullied at uni and it still affects me now. I'm much less confident and fear new people much more than I used too. I started having bad anxiety during that time which I still suffer with now.
I hate the person who made my life hell, he knows what he did and doesn't give a fuck. I just hope karma hits him one day.

Oh and your not being immature. He needs to know what he did and that ppl don't act that way.
If I saw the man who bullied me I'd spit in his face.

the girl that bullied me at school was in foster care, her Mum had booted her out. so, whilst I hated her (literally I can barely remember those years), as an adult I can see that she had issues. I also remeber the kindness of some of the kids that did stick up for me.

you do carry it though, it deffo shapes how you are as an adult

I think it has led to me not feeling comfortable in large female only groups. Since leaving school I've generally socialised in mixed groups but the phrase "girlie night out" doesn't have positive connotations to me.
It has had positive effects in that i'm fairly resilient and independant.No-one (man, MIL etc) has bullied me since I was an adult. i wouldn't accept being bossed around and am good at being assertive.

I was bullied by a group of lads during the latter years of my teens, and it really affected my confidence around men (it was verbal abuse, but sexual in nature). I moved away for uni and rarely go back but about 2 years ago I happened to be back in my home area and one of them was sat near me on a train. He kept glancing in my direction and I kept my eyes down, I felt sick. I don't hate them but even thinking about it makes me feel vulnerable again.

I was also bullied for 3 years in my first job by my female boss. I physically hate this woman and were I to see her again I would have to resist strangling her having serious words. She was more than twice my age and knew exactly what she was doing.

In my experience bullying stays with you forever no matter who does it.

Bullying. Report in todays "I" says 50 per cent of children are bullied at school
currently.

There clearly is a lot of bullying about. Schools used to deny they had a problem. But most admit it now.

I was bullied by my 'best friend' for a couple of years (abusive phone calls, threats, getting other people to fall out with me too, following me home while calling me names, pushing me along the corridor etc She finally asked me for money for something she claimed I broke at her house when we'd been friends and I told my Mum who went to her house with a cheque. Turns out her parents were splitting up and she was reacting badly to this. My mum was a widow at the time. Fast forward 18 months are so, my mum and her dad got together and have now been married for 30 years. I was 13 at the time She was never made to apologise, everyone pretended it never happened, I just had to get on with it. She has since apologised many times and feels pretty awful, and we get on OK, but I've never forgotten it and now that I have children of my own, it makes me upset that they would ever be put through the same thing.

What ReallyTired said, but then I came out the 'right side' of the experience luckily. I know people who went the other way and 'self-medicated' iyswim.

Back2, it is unlikely that he remembers the time in the same way you do. He might even think you are crazy for suggesting it. Most of us like to think of ourselves as good people excusing our failings with justifications.

Sorry have not read all the posts but didnt want to read and run. The only benefit I could see is that maybe by facing him you could tell him how detrimental his behaviour was. Maybe you'll get an explanation and apology from him maybe not but at least you'll have the pleasure if knowing you faced him and then you could move on. If you never face him you will always be looking over your shoulder when you come in to contact with this family and you never know there might be a reason (not an excuse but) he was so evil at the time (family troubles etc). He may welcome the opportunity to apologise.

2rebecca yes, I don't like all-female groups, I've turned down hen nights and everything. I'm not at all comfortable with them.

I was bitched at / excluded by a group of girls at senior school 23 years ago for a couple of terms, the teachers tried to get them to stop and made us sit in the office together to make up. Obviously it didn't work . In the end I left when I was 14, one teacher tried to make me stay but in the end he said that was I was bright (I got into Mensa a few years later so may have done well at school but never made it to Uni) then I would be ok leaving school young. It pisses me off as I was forced to leave my education and peer group behind and was never able to make up for it. No close friends as I have very little confidence so I try to keep myself to myself.

One of the girls actually goes to the local toddler group and she's fine these days, but we never spoke about it. The ring-leader tried to add me as a friend on FB (twice FFS!) so she was blocked.

caramel why don't you see if you can track her down on Facebook or something and apologise? It might mean a lot to her.

I was bullied at school. One lad said something disgusting and unforgiveable about the death of my dad (which happened when I was 6 and triggered a lot of bullying). When I was 25 I saw in the paper that his dad had become very ill and died. I actually thought maybe now he will know what it felt like to lose a parent and feel utterly ashamed of his behaviour. Being such a dickhead though he probably doesn't. The ex "in crowd" organised our 10 year school reunion and didn't invite me so it seems old habits die hard. Someone who did go said it was just like school all the old cliques hanging out and not so much as looking at anyone else. But I defied their expectations in that I did find someone who would go out with me and I have 2 nice kids so there. Losers.

Oh yes. My mum was bullied throughout secondary school by a teacher. He belittled her and encouraged the others to laugh at her until she was physically sick at the thought of his lesson. Eventually she cracked and the headteacher wanted to know what happened and she told. After that the bully teacher was polite but very detatched and formal with her and the other kids realising that the party was over called her a snitch. Years later who should pop up on friends re united. It's a wonder mum wasn't banned from there for the verbal (written?) abuse she gave him!! 40 years of bitterness and hate came out and apparently it was wonderfully theraputic! She never got a reply though.

I was bullied for about 3 years at secondary school. A group of boys and girls would verbally bully me, kick my chair and basically make my life a misery in the lessons of the weaker teachers. They wouldn't dream of doing it in some lessons but I came to dread history and English and they knew those teachers ignored it. The teachers knew exactly what was happening but did nothing about it. As an adult I don't understand why I didn't just turn around and whip them with my acid tongue! As a child that didn't even seem like an option. I never told anyone although my friends obviously knew as they saw it daily. I cried myself to sleep and tried to think up ways to skip days of school when I had history.

I don't think of those people and I didn't dwell on it once it stopped (once I went into sixth form and most of those people didn't stay on at school). One of my bullies died a few years later in a car crash. I felt sorry for his family.

My long term effects are shyness, an inability to stick up for myself and a lack of confidence. I was never the most confident person so maybe that would always have happened. To be honest it happened, bullying will happen everywhere. It made me an empathetic persona and a bloody good teacher but I wouldn't let it affect the whole of my life.

i was bullied all the way through senior school led mainly by one lad while i can see why he did it then cos he was the fat (and i mean fat) kid in the class, if he didnt get me they would have all got him, i hated that he made my time at school (when i should have been looking at my future) absolute hell and if i met him now would take great delight in not pissing on him if he was on fire, i walked out of school on the last day saying no one would ever make me feel that bad again ever so now i stand up for myself, dont care if anyone likes me or not i am me

I was accused of bullying by a girl who I just didn't get along with - believe me she disliked me more than I disliked her and said more horrible things to me than I ever said to or about her, but because she was a "geek" she was automatically believed when she said that I bullied her - when in fact it was more the other way around even though I was the less geeky one!

Like another poster I now think that the most significant bullying against me was a girl at school who I considered a best friend, and stayed friends with well into my 20s! she regularly humiliated me on front of groups of people, she found it funny when I was almost raped and spread gossip that I'ld had some consentual contact with the creep and used to wind me up about it on front of people despite being corrected every time "ha ha remember that time you pulled X! I can't believe you pulled him ha ha ha" - usually on front of boys I fancied or newish people to our group. I didn't pull him, he spiked my drink and I was barely conscious! She used to tell people I had lied about things that were true, she was a total cow! but if you bit back she was "only joking" - I still get angry when I think about her!

Foureyes and Divineinspiration I can totally recognise what you describe. I think sadly that for some groups of girls 12-15 this type of behaviour is a developmental stage. I remember being "out" for a few weeks, inexplicably excluded from my friendship group, walk mimicked, school bag deemed "wrong" etc etc it was devastating. But then it passed and although I wouldn't class myself as a bully and never instigated it I didn't stick up for the next girl that got the same treatment. I am still in touch/friends with many of these girls - the one who in adulthood who considers herself a victim I recall being actually the worst offender and instigator of the bad behaviour so people remember things differently. It can be abit more complicated than the typical victim/bully relationship particularly for girls. Not to denigrate anyones experience though - I did witness "proper" bullying of the class geek by the class cool girl and it was bad really bad.

www.salon.com/topic/interview_with_my_bully/