Grandparents and nut allergies... (long post sorry)

[ishopthereforeiam]

DD is 18mo and has been diagnosed with a mild to moderate nut allergy (face, neck and chest gets red and blotchy, coughs, runny nose and sneezing) and we've bee told by hospital to avoid all nuts completely in the next 12 months. Have told both sets of dd's grandparents this and explained that although her reactions have been mild to date they could change to severe, tighten her throat, restrict her breathing and very very very worst case scenario cause death. Hence, we need to check all packaging of food to make sure no nuts.

MiL (2-3 weeks ago) had bought some co-op cookies (where you get 5-6 in a bag) and said there were no nuts. I was dubious (as I had bought similar ones from other stores and they all had nut warnings on) - she said she'd checked the ingredients so I said nothing (didn't want to overly challenge her but mentioned to DH) luckily DH said he wanted the packet, passed it to me and as I suspected there was a nut allergy warning. MiL was horrified that she could have done something so awful etc etc I said not to worry, we just need to be careful and showed her where the allergy warnings were and said even if not in the ingredients it may be produced in a factory with traces of nuts etc etc and cause cross contamination.

This weekend, DD already having a tough time as some corn flakes had kicked her reaction off. We gave her meds but she still had runny nose etc. Visiting MiL I explained alhtough she was certain DD had hayfever not allergic reaction. Then MiL takes DD off to the kitchen and says let me give you some cookies and starts to rummage around in the cupboard. I follow in and help to take the Cleberations box down for her... she has a a box full of odds and ends of half open packets of biscuits including some sealed Ginger Nuts and leftovers from Victorias biscuits etc. I say let's not give these to DD as other biscuits in the Celebrations box may have nuts in. Oh no, she says, pulling out a foil wrapped Victorias choccy biccy (who knows how old it was!?). I then proceed to explain, again, even if this is not a nutty biscuit it could still have traces of nuts from factory. No no no, I checked the tin, she says (tin is long gone as I suspect these biscuits have been in the box for a year plus). I leave the kitchen. She gives the biscuit to DD. DD remains runny nosed, watery eyed and sneezing for the rest of the day.

Get home - check online and lo and behold the Victorias tins do have a warning about nuts. Have written a factual email to both sets of grandparents stating why packaging needs checking (again, already told them this face to face), what the reactions are along with hospital guidance note.

I am seriously pissed off now as I don't get why she fibs about it (previously she has a history of fibbing about silly things, giving us DH / DSiL old clothes but pretending they are new - I would have taken them for sentimental value anyway. Making things and pretending she's bought them - again I think making things is a nice sentiment and no it's not because she is hard up for cash etc as she does buy things for dd too). Small fibs I don't mind but this could have caused dd harm.

AIBU??

i know think u r - if she cant keep your child from harm, dont leave her with them. would also get dh to have a word

that should read - i dont think you are

Of course YANBU.

I read this with increasing incredulity - how thick would you have to be to give a child who is allergic to nuts something that may have nuts in? Can you print out something for her to read that explains why anything containing nuts could be dangerous for your DD, including stuff prepared in a factory that also has nuts? Otherwise I would be v reluctant to leave DD with her again.

Thanks - that's my worry. Normally dd visits her grandparents when we are there too so it's ok (although I feel like I am being over bearing by always saying about the but thing and on this occasion as she said she'd checked it I didn't feel i could very well say let me check online now first or I think you're wrong). The thing is I am having a c/s at the end of next month and they may well be looking after dd without DH or I being around to "police".

Yes - have asked DH to explain as perhaps the message is just not getting through

I think you will probably have to make sure that you always bring safe treats with you to her house for her to give to your dd. Grandparents like to treat their children but seem to find allergies hard to cope with. Dh has been dairy intollerant for 10+ years, all three were intollerant as children, dd2 and ds severely, plus many other problems - soy, wheat, pots etc to the extent I couldn't have any dairy when feeding them. 5 people, no one can have dairy, why did he get offended when no one can have pudding full of cream? We learnt to just bring our own stuff, sell it as making his life easier, but really just means we always had safe food.

Don't know why she lies, maybe embarrassed she doesn't have anything safe. Hope your dd grows out of it. We were strictest with ds, and although he was the worst - hives, blood in poo etc at birth, at not yet 3 he can have anything, mainly I think because first 18 months we were so obsessed observant.

Thanks 3duracell - yes I'm hoping she'll grow out of it as they've said they will retest in a year so finger x'd...

My mum suggested the same thing - perhaps just take snacks with us for them to give - otherwise I was thinking of a safe list of snacks as they like to buy things to give dd.

Agree with bunnies - it would be best if you take along the kind of treats your DD likes and that are safe for her. Much better to give information to grandparents about what DD can have, rather than dismissing everything in their cupboards that she can't have. Do this by giving appropriate examples.

Of course yanbu. Maybe getting your dh to explain why it's important will help. I think there are some older people who are dismissive of allergies as "no one had them in their day"

YANBU at all. She is putting your DD's life at risk. My mother's friend's grandchild had a mild egg allergy which the inlaws were warned about. Lo and behold, they fed him quiche for lunch one day when they were minding him and he had to be rushed to hospital and put on a ventilator due to full-blown anaphylactic shock. The parents now have no contact with that side of the family any more. It's a horrible, sad situation but the grandparents brought it on themselves by simply not listening. Apparently they thought the mother (their own daughter) was being "overprotective." Now they have to live with the image of their grandson being hooked to machines on the edge of death and the possibility of never being allowed to see him again.

In your position I would not allow the IL's to look after your child as they can't be trusted. Even when you were there your MIL went against your wishes. I know that makes life hard when you have another baby on the way though. Is there any way you can make alternative arrangements?

I think you need to sit her down and explain - again . That your DD has a reaction that could get a lot worse if she doesn't avoid these things. That checking the ingredients isn't enough. Do worst case scenario - the things they give her could cause her allergy to become life threatening etc.

I would be slightly worried by the fact that your MIL 'was certain DD had hayfever.' Does she accept her allergy? If she doesn't, it might be safer not to leave your DD with her unsupervised.

the older generation have little idea about ige allergies, they are far more used to the intolerence side of things.

I would find a magazine, newspaper or simply print on line the sad stories of deaths from allergies. leave them with them, and say 'this could be your grandchild, so thats why we are very careful'

if that doenst work, you never let them have custody of your child in any way.

good luck.

that's awful cailin

I think that's a good point, older generations don't always get allergies at all (to food). I think my fam are more open to it as my sister had a friend who had a nut allergy as a child and had to carry an epi pen and her mum explained several times she could die if had anything with nuts (even food cooked in nut oil etc etc)...

I may ask dsil to look after dd with in laws when I go in for the c/s as she will be able to monitor in laws with feeding dd if dh or i aren't there (and understands the severity etc).

I think there is also an element of 'denial' about things like this as well in my experience, at some level people don't want to believe that there is something seriously wrong with a child so they subconsciously 'downplay' it and don't take it seriously. That doesn't excuse it but it can explain it.

You have to be very very firm with them about this, explain it factually and perhaps play up that this is advice from a respected hospital doctor (that may well carry more weight even though your word should have been good enough). Explain that you have to be able to be 100% certain they understand this otherwise they will not be able to have DD on their own. I'm not sure about the giving them newspaper articles etc as that might help them justify it as you overreacting etc - the very factual approach might be best but it does depend on them. Definitely get SIL to have DD if you feel you can't trust them totally though. Also maybe ensure that DD has a 'treat box' of safe snacks kept there that you check and replenish as necessary in lieu of biscuits that MIL has got.

Do come over to the allergies board too, lots of us on there have been through similar and it's a good source of on-going support.

Thanks ace will pop over to allergies for more advice as it's all still quite new to us.

I think some grandparents get a bit obsessive about the need for daily "treats" and see sweet crap food as some sort of expression of love and affection.
We eat very few biscuits/ sweets and I would just try and stress to the grandparents that little kids like adults don't need to have this crap in their diets and to just stick to normal meals and avoid the snacks and junk food as they are more likely to contain nuts.

You just have to get REALLY strict and stroppy and in about 10 year's time they will get the message if they are anything like ds's grandparents

I am alergic to shellfish .... somthing my FIL dosn't get at all he was sure i was just being a bit 'funny' - he has a boat and goes out and catches all sorts of things to bring home to eat.

They once gave me some to prawns for dinner it was well hidden/blended in the food The reaction I had was enough to tell them that i wasn't joking or just being 'funny' . DH fummed for weeks that the could do that to me on purpose just to 'test' me, it really affected there relationship.

Why don't you do them a dd treat box to be kept at their house, containing things she can have...

And maybe give them a list of branded things (with pictures if necessary) of what things are good to give her.

I would suggest you pre buy food for them to give her when you have your c/s

Hope it gets easier x

Coffeedog that's horrendous!

I would second the suggestion of giving them a list of appropriate snacks and the most common pitfalls - the thing that always catches me out is cheap pesto which contains cashew nuts (depending on your ILs cooking style this may not be a problem.

You also need to decide how strict you are going to be about adhering to food labelling. I have three adult friends (mid 30s), all of whom have anaphylaxis to nuts and carry epi-pens routinely. I've seen two of the three have anaphylaxis in restaurants (separate occasions) due to ignorance on behalf of restauranteurs (i.e.. yes, your starter was covered in hazelnuts but we wiped them off) and have embarrassingly caused one of them to have it as I accidentally bought biscuits containing nuts instead of the 'plain' ones I'd intended.

However NONE of them pay any attention to the 'made in factory which might use nuts' warnings they only avoid food which actually contains nuts in the product (eg. would avoid M&S swiss chocolate with nuts in it, but would eat the 'plain' stuff despite the fact it has a warning on the package) To give your ILs the benefit of the doubt maybe this is what they interpreted the rules to be.

I do know that some people react more readily (as one of the guys above has a niece who reacts very badly and has in fact had anaphylaxis to a known nut free product which had been handled by someone who had been handling store bought cakes...presumably contamination occurred at this point).

yanbu.

some older people (not all) have such a lack of understanding of allergys that they disbelive people who actually have them, equally as such lots of people claim they have them when they have an intollerance or some even because they dislike the food item this all contributes towards this big mass of problems when it comes to actuall diagnosed allergys.
i once knew a woman who would intentionally give her gd everything her mother said gc was allergic to it was some warped 'i dont belive you so shall do it anyway' thing all it resulted in was a child being taken to hospital very very poorly i havent spoken to this woman since and am disgusted that she could do it.

try saying 'if you dont stop doing this or start taking more care then we will have to stop bringing gc to visit you or allowing you to be presant at anytime when food is or could be around as we obviously cannot trust you, we will have to do this because if we dont gc could die ACTUALLY DIE'

should work a treat

My daughter is allergic to cow's milk and I have also experienced difficulties with both sets of grandmas. For example, "whey-powder" is a milk product and even if there isn't much in a product, it means she cannot have it. For about 2 years my mother-in-law asked if we should be giving my daughter small amounts of milk to build resistance up. No.

It is frustrating and I am fairly sure my mother in law feels I have made it up (or exaggerated). Again, no. Good idea to bring your own stuff.

DS has multiple allergies including nuts and carries epipens.

It has taken seeing an allergic reatcion ( thankfully one containable with antihistamine) both sets of grandparents to realise how serious they are and to be much more careful about what he is fed. TBH they were not too bad before - but now realise the seriousness of the reaction they are very careful.
We have had to ban MIL from having nuts in the house when we are there though as DS came out in a reaction after others had eaten nuts - we presume to a stray bit of shell or something.

I can completely imagine MiL saying just giver her a little bit at a time to build up her resistance too Amykins.

Horrified that your in laws could do that Coffee that is actually incredible

Thanks moshling that's a good idea.

10 years valium!? Hoping MiL gets the hang of it sooner than then!

lurker I hadn't even thought of pesto but know I need to check everything as nuts seem to crop up in the oddest things. Initially we were quite relaxed too about the allergy as I had given dd products which had the made in a factory which... label and she was fine I carried on giving her the same ones but that's when her reaction started yesterday am with some frosties type cereal. So I think for now I need to be super cautious and avoid all nuts as well as made in factory with nuts and hope that a year or so of avoidance means her allergy subsides.

I would love to say that oops but feel like I am always the "bad guy" as it's DH's fam I think may be better if he spells it out to them. To avoid the tension I think I will take responsibility for checking / providing all food when we are with my fam and he can with his (as his mum is q over bearing at the best of times, not in a mean way but just in a way that is exhausting as you are always saying NO) e.g. yesterday some cousins children were over, one of them said "I don't like lemon tart" as she presented him with a quarter of the whole thing and replied "I don't care if you like it or not I'm going to make you eat it" poor thing, I tried it and didn't like it either!

Could you maybe take your MIL shopping and point out the 'treat' items which your DD is allowed to have? That way she can feel like she's buying your DD treats and isn't having them imposed upon her IYSWIM.

Good luck with the whole situation, it sounds frightful (and your MIL sounds either stupid or deluded)!!