Livid at receiving martial advice from someone who left their wife and kids for a girl half his age.

[gottachangethename1]

Went out with dh on friday and met up with his friends (not English) visiting the UK. The man left his wife and three small children after fifteen years for a girl half his age. He brought her along, she is nice enough, but rather childish and with it seems little remorse for what they both caused. Dh and I are going through a bit of a bumpy patch, namely that we both work long hours and I have responsibility of a grumpy teenager and a disabled mother, so when we do see each other I am exhausted and he is resentful of the fact that I am not very often up for going out and about or having lots of sex.

Anyway to get to the point, while we were out dh's friend asked what we do when we are off at the same time, dh said 'not much'. Friend then went into twenty minute speech about how I must give priority to my husband and that we would be sure to split up if I didn't address things soon. I was so upset I just sat there, what made me even more angry was that dh just sat there and nodded in agreement. I am aware that I need to make more of an effort when we are alone together,but to have to take this advice from someone who basically up and left his young family to have a relationship with someone who boosts his ego made me really angry. Am I oversensitive-Dh said he was only being helpful!!

Sounds like a loon. Apart from the fact that he's a selfish bugger for leaving his wife and 3 kids for a younger model, both partners need to make the effort sometimes. When just one side is making all the running they very often become resentful.

And anyway, surely it should be about love, respect and mutual support?

Give it a day or so and then say musingly to DH: "I've been thinking a lot about twatface's advice the other day and I think that what I really need to do is leave my family and find someone half your age and twice as attractive to really revive my sex life - seems to have worked well for him, what do you reckon?"

It sounds like this guy may have had a point, especially as it seems to have hit a raw nerve.

That would be marital advice then?
Because a swift kick followed by a bit of a rant would be my reaction at being told I needed to become a Stepford wife to keep my man.

I'm confused.
Are you annoyed because the other man is happy and you're not?

wheezo - one word. Brilliant!

Maybe he does have a point, and maybe he was trying to be helpful. Doesnt sound like your husband opened his gob to protest much in that 20 minutes... :(

Perhaps this was a way of saying "look what I did..do you want your husband to do the same?". Maybe he has realised that the grass isnt as green with his new gf, and is trying to stop his friend from making that mistake too...

'It sounds like this guy may have had a point, especially as it seems to have hit a raw nerve'

Really? I'd have thought equal division of everything that needed doing would mean OP would have more time to spend, if she chose to, with her OH.

Presumably DH is planning a lovely surprise for your time off together considering how much he wants to spend time off with you? After all, doesn't take you ALONE to plan how to spend time TOGETHER does it?

Wheezo!

Outraged - why was it OK for the twatface's "helpful friend's" comments to be directed solely at the OP and not at her DH as well?

Why on earth didn't your husband defend you?!

Wheezo

Excellent suggestion!

Sunscorch

I don't think that was what the OP was implying at all. I don't think she would like to be happy at the expense of her husband and family. I just think that she thought the 'friend' wasn't perhaps the best person to be dishing out constructive advice.

Agree with Squeakytoy - it's a threat really isn't it? And by your 'D'H not saying anything or protesting or taking your side or saying anything like, yep we need to make sure DW gets a break somehow, she's got a lot on at the moment and we're missing out on spending time together" it feels like he is joining in on the implicit threat.

he's an idiot for thinking (and saying) that the salvage of your marriage is your responsibility only, this is untrue in any case.

however you sound terribly judgmental of other people's life choices, especially when you have very limited amount of information.

Oh, and I can't help wondering, how is their nationality (or indeed their non-englishness) relevant?

Thanks for your replies. No I'm not annoyed that the friend is happy, I may not agree with the way he went about it but I don't wish I was him. There is a lot of truth in the fact that I do the majority of things at home. Dh does work excessive amounts of hours in an awful job for very little money (all he could get after several years of unemployment, despite being educated and experienced in his field) and I think I over compensate for this by having always done the lion's share domestically.

I kind of understand what you're saying Squeaky about trying to stop a problem before it gets worse, but there is no remorse on friend's part, more a kind of smugness that he managed to get a young, pretty girl while he is fifty and flabby!

Perhaps it was meant in a "look what happened to me" way, but he does sound hypocritical.

Yeah, just do what Wheezo said

I thought the non-english/visiting UK thing was just because OP was putting into context of at least not having to see this particular couple very often and also illustrating this couple's remoteness to OP's life, so therefore how, if not involved in their daily lives, does this man get to swoop in and advise OP on her marriage when it doesn't sound like he has much to do with them otherwise?

I work with someone like this. He's always the first person to jump in with "marital advice".

I also know that underneath the bravado he'd go back to his wife like a shot.

What Wheezo said.

If she's old enough to be married she is a woman, not a girl.
She didn't cause his family breakup, he did.

And your problem isn't with the friend, its your twatty husband.

YANBU

I absolutely think he was being a twat and has no business offering you marital advice on how to KEEP YOUR HUSBAND when he couldn't make his own marriage work.
He sounds condescending, patronizing and and full of shit. What an arsehole.

This would have upset me too and I think those people that are giving you a hard time a making out that he was right as he has touched a 'nerve' probably wouldn't take to kindly to someone giving them advice on their obviously 'perfect' marriages.

YANBU at all to feel this way and I wish you had been stand up to him and tell him to mind his own business.

All this man is doing is giving you oh justification for feeling hard done by and an excuse to go and look for a younger model for himself. Bastards.

Oh and what Wheezo said too

Not entirely sure how your relationship is entirely your responsibility.

The advice seems to be that you should do everything in your power to "keep" DH otherwise he will fuck off with a younger model.

What kind of arsehole says that, what nasty "advice", why on earth did your DH think it was "helpful"

Perhaps he's not as happy with new wife, and it was well-meant? "Don't make the mistakes I did" kind of thing?

I'm going to go against the grain here. Maybe someone whose marriage has broken up has realised why and advises others not to make the same mistake. I agree he shouldn't have said this was your responsibility; obviously it's a joint responsibility. That's what would annoy me, having my husband sitting there nodding. But if he'd said, "You two need to be careful. You need to nurture your relationship otherwise you'll grow apart - look what happened to wife1 and me" then would you be shouting now?

Imperial that's not what he said though!