Livid at receiving martial advice from someone who left their wife and kids for a girl half his age.

[gottachangethename1]

Went out with dh on friday and met up with his friends (not English) visiting the UK. The man left his wife and three small children after fifteen years for a girl half his age. He brought her along, she is nice enough, but rather childish and with it seems little remorse for what they both caused. Dh and I are going through a bit of a bumpy patch, namely that we both work long hours and I have responsibility of a grumpy teenager and a disabled mother, so when we do see each other I am exhausted and he is resentful of the fact that I am not very often up for going out and about or having lots of sex.

Anyway to get to the point, while we were out dh's friend asked what we do when we are off at the same time, dh said 'not much'. Friend then went into twenty minute speech about how I must give priority to my husband and that we would be sure to split up if I didn't address things soon. I was so upset I just sat there, what made me even more angry was that dh just sat there and nodded in agreement. I am aware that I need to make more of an effort when we are alone together,but to have to take this advice from someone who basically up and left his young family to have a relationship with someone who boosts his ego made me really angry. Am I oversensitive-Dh said he was only being helpful!!

Imperial That's not really going against the grain! - it's giving an opinion on something that didn't happen in the OP and then asking OP what she would think of that entirely different situation! He did say it was HER responsibility as the wife to be giving priority to HER husband.

AIBU would be a completely different forum if everyone replied yes but OP what if the rude person in your OP had never been rude to you would you be offended now? Could be a whole new section - hypothetical AIBU

I totally agree, Sardine Queen. Why is the relationship all your responsibilty? And do you really want to be with someone who jumps ship when the going gets tough?

Being helpful, my arse. Being a dicksmack, more ilke.

I'm luvvin Wheezo's response for your partner!

For the mysoginist, I'd have had to tell him straight - "taking advice from someone who bailed on their own wife and kids ain't about to happen mate!" As you couldn't hand onto your own woman you need to keep stum!" Then againg I'm a bolshy biatch.

Ha! I guess that's his justification for his affair that he's told himself over and over. Wander what his ex wife thinks would have saved the marriage?

YANBU OP to be annoyed at all. He's a fine one to talk as the betrayer. Didn't work on his marriage, he left it.

But I know what Imperial is getting at, if he'd said it that way it may have gone down better.

Although a 20 minute rant with her H just nodding would make me very cross, no matter how he'd said it. He should have defended her or jumped in and stopped it.

Hey, I'm tired, alright! And yes, the husband nodding would drive me to kick his chair until he fell off it.

Reading between the lines here are you upset that yet another couple have split up (as seems to be the norm everywhere) or that he managed to meet a younger, prettier woman?

Is that the part that's worrying you?

Are you afraid that if you and your DH don't work things out, he will do the same thing?

Really her age and her looks are nothing to do with anything...the fact is he left his wife for another woman, no matter what her age.

sounds to me like this man is justifying what he did. Maybe what he's saying is: "If my wife had given me more blow jobs behaved better then I wouldn't have been forced to bugger off and leave her, as any red-blooded man would."
He's not that interested in your situation, just finding another way of saying that his situation is the inevitable result of his wife's shortcomings.

I think I'd be reserving the ire for the spineless husband who sat there nodding in agreement.

I agree with Imperial. Someone who's marriage has broken up does have a unique viewpoint and something valuable to say about what can go wrong in a marriage.

Sounds like his advice was entirely consistent with his behaviour 'it's all about me, if I'm not made to feel the centre of attention I flounce'!

People generally assume that others think the same way they do, so he'll think your DH is like him.

The worrying part is your DH thinking it helpful, rather than dismissing at as that bloke just being his selfish self. Or was he just trying to dismiss as something too evidently silly to get into a discussion about?

I think he has told you why his marriage broke up,and is rather tactlessly getting the point across (albeit extremely tactlessly) that neglected spouses sometimes up sticks and leave.

Regarding your dh...well,if it were me,I would make myself a widow and kill the fecker for allowing his friend to speak to me like that .

You already know that the friend is an arsehole, so I wouldn't give him another thought.

What would make me incandescent is the fact that dh sat there and allowed him to say that to you and didn't a) jump to your defence and tell friend how much pressure you are under and b) allowed all the blame and responsibility to be put firmly on your shoulders and by his silence, seemed to agree that it's your job to fix the marriage, as if it's got fuck all to do with him!

I would start doing a shit load less around the home and redistributing house work to your dh and tell him that if he pulls his finger out and helps you, then you might have a bit more energy to go out!

I think I would have said to him "I can see what you are getting at. I am at risk of having a callous bastard of a husband who might dump me for a bit of fluff just like you as a callous bastard dumped your wife for a bit of fluff. And now you are using our situation to justify your twatishness. Oh and fuck off knobhead".

None should feel they need to remain in a loveless marriage these days.

It sounds to me as if your husband's friend was giving an oft-repeated speech that he uses to justify his own past behaviour. It might also be intended to keep his young girlfriend on her toes, a warning that he'll up and leave her too if she doesn't continue to be decorative enough. But mainly, it's self-justification, so try not to take anything he said personally, I expect he spouts it to anyone that he can; you must have been quite the captive audience to have been lectured to for 20 minutes!

But - "Dh said he was only being helpful!!" - this needs to be dealt with. Seriously, you're husband hears that (and says nothing at the time?) and the word that springs to his mind is 'helpful'? Sheesh, helpful would be sharing the "responsibility of a grumpy teenager and a disabled mother". I actually do think that Wheezo's suggestion might well be worth considering. Your DH needs to be reminded that it can cut both ways.

pffft! daughter read this to me, earlier.

what does the man know about your dh that you don't? your dh didn't support you. the man is unpleasant, the girlfriend is silly and your dh is a wimp.

start looking around for a man with a spine. a sexy, young man, to make you feel amazing.

It takes two people to make a relationship work, if you're not going to make time for the other person the relationship will probably fail. If your husband is prepared to play his part then so do you and if you are too exhausted due to outside responsibilities then he should help you to ease the burden.

The friend sounds like a patronising dickhead but maybe he was trying to warn you and genuinely believed his advice helpful as he left his wife, presumably because she couldn't make time for him.

Colour me cynical op, but this sounds like a set up between your DP and his mate, set you up to be there in their company, and for his mate to point out to you the error of your ways if you dont buck your ideas up?

Sitting there nodding and not saying a word huge red flag to me, I dont know how you kept your mouth shut?

Sitting there nodding and not saying a word is typical male behaviour, ime, of any discussion of relationships or emotions.

Sounds like sleazy 'friend' was giving the speel he uses to justify leaving his DW and 3 small DCs for younger (boring) bit of fluff.

But I would concentrate a little on improving sex with DH and ignore the rest (just to make DH more malleable, not due to any failing on your part)

The age of his new partner is not an issue, the martial advice he gave you IMO is something you probably do need to think about. Often useful advice is not pleasant to hear and - IME anyway - people do run big risks in their relationships if the shagging stops..

The thing that strikes me most though is your DH's reaction, have you discussed it since?

Since you couldn't think of anything cutting to say at the time, I'd be tempted to text him and ask sweetly how he manages to balance his maintenance payments with stopping his new young girlfriend from running off.

I think you should start shagging your hubby again, he seems to be taking the moral high ground a bit, but alarm bells are ringing. You don't really need to be IN the mood, just not NOT IN the mood. Marriages all go thru stressful times, and you don't need a 'friend' offering one sided advice, but maybe it is worth paying attention to what he said. You can only change what you do, not what your hubby does, and if things don't work out, then at least you will know you gave it your best shot.good luck...

Ginger, I would not want to shag a man who uses implied threat of leaving, in order to get sex.

If he wants the OP to be more 'in the mood' perhaps he should be relieving some of the pressure on her.

You are right in that the OP can only change what she does - but where she should change is in no longer letting her 'd'h get away with being a lazy bastard domestically, not having sex with him, just so that he doesn't shag someone else. if you have to behave like that, then you've got no marriage at all, not really!

There's nothing like a thinly veiled (nasty) threat to get me n the mood.

Your husband sounds like a twat for not defending you. It's a shame you couldn't have said something at the time, like "Awww it's such a shame you didn't manage to stick with your wife and kids. I suppose if you had addressed things and given priority to your wife then you would still be with your kids now. Do you miss them? Awww!"