AIBU to be upset that she called my unborn baby an alien?

[Expectantmum2b]

Im getting married in 2 weeks, im 5 months pregnant, this is my first pregnancy, im almost 25 years old. My "DH" children aged 10 (boy) and aged 8 (girl) come to our house every saturday for the day.

Contact with their mother is never nice or on friendly terms. Ive never met this woman (seen her briefly once from a distance). She is also pregnant (one week ahead of me). We are both having girls.

The children came today and "DSD" said that her mother was always saying very naughty things about me, and that when she told her mum we were having a girl, her mother said, "It's not a baby, its an alien!"

DSD then continued to tell me that she argued with her mum saying that it was a baby not an alien but her mother kept saying back that it was an alien.

Also DSD has continually asked DH who he prefers best, me or her and her brother!

I believe that something has been said to her at home to make her think this. We did our best to explain that he doesnt prefer either of us over each other etc.

DSD also mentioned that DSS laughs alot when there mother says horrible things about me. (I was hurt by this) DSS denied this but DSD was adamant she was telling the truth.

I ve mentioned to DH that im really upset that their mum has called our baby an alien and that i wouldnt NEVER call her unborn baby that or say anything bad about her in earshot of her children.

DH said he thinks shes bitter and jealous as she wants the children to prefer her baby over ours and thats what shes trying to do. Their mother is 27years old (pregnant with her 4th child) and living with the father to her unborn baby.

DH and her were never married.

I feel so upset by whats been said today (i almost feel like crying) but DH has said its best not to retaliate as that makes u the better adult in the situation.

One nice thing DSD said was that "I dont like it when mum calls u, as its not very nice"

"she never calls dad, just you"

Am i being unreasonable for letting this get to me, i cant get it out of my head. Im mostly upset by the alien comment, and that my step son laughs when his mother calls me. Maybe im over reacting cos of my hormones?

You're not being unreasonable and I can see why you're upset. But nothing will be solved if you answer back - it will just put the kids in a difficult position. Laugh it off.

I don't have any personal experience of your situation, but the little lass just sounds insecure, and the lad was probably laughing along with his mum because he thought it was expected of him, rather than because that's what he really thought of you.

It sounds a difficult situation, but I wouldn't set too much store by her saying anything about your baby (if she did say anything), your baby will be bloody gorgeous and it's understandable you feel protective over her.

I think I would try and keep out of the 'he says/she says' things and just reassure the children of yours and your DHs love for them and don't let anything that might have been said get in the way of that message

I clicked on the thread because when DD2 was born and I was feeding her sat up in bed in just the small light of the monitor, I was amazed at how alien like she looked

It wasn't in a creepy horrible way, she still looked beautiful, it was just the big dark eyes and shape of her face.

Ten year old boys think name calling is funny, he has no idea that it actually hurts you. Just ignore, ignore, ignore. Laugh and say "no our baby won't be an alien, but s/he might have superpowers, you never know" and then let it go.

Ignore the 10yr old, he probably feels as though he has to 'support' his Mum in some way when she goes off on these rants...you don't know how much emotional pressure she might be putting on him.

Also, ignore the 8yr old as much as possible too because she could be playing one of you off against the other.

For all you know she might have told her Mum you said something about her and her baby too.

Who knows what goes on in the mind of a child whose Mum and Dad are both about to have babies with other adults.

I expect she feels rather insecure all round. Many kids would feel pushed out with just one baby on the way being born to either parent...but 2 babies being born to both parents might have her feeling a bit like she might not fit in any more.

Dss proberly feels under pressure from his mum to laugh, he may feel obliged so he feels like he fits in

Please don't feel hurt with dss - he is in a very difficult situation, and probably feels intense pressure to show his mum that he is not betraying her. This is hard for you: think how much harder it is for the children.

You must be feeling especially vulnerable right now, but try to keep calm. You're all in this for the long haul, and you need to show the children that you will not engage in battle with their mum, even though that's what she's trying to set up. They must be feeling very unsafe: show them how a real grown up behaves, that you won't be asking them to take sides, that you're not getting to get hurt by playground tactics.

I'm totally with Devora - it's not v nice but the best thing you can do is set the example for them.

There are two confused kids here... kids.... not adults, not even teenagers...

Their parents are no longer together, and are both starting new families with new partners.. no wonder they are mouthing off a bit...

Don't take anything the kids say to heart and certainly don't retaliate.

They are kids and they have been put in a hell of a position by their mother. Don't make it harder for them.

You can't control this other person, the kids certainly have no control over the situation.

You CAN control yourself and ensure that you never rise to her bait. Love the children, ignore the stupidity.

hmm. you're bound to be upset if anyone says negative things about your baby.

but this woman is not your friend - she doesn't know you. she probably feels threatened because her children see you regularly - you might provide more care, food they like more, happier moments, anything a mum might worry about.

she might not be a nice person.

so don't take her words to heart. love yourself and your baby and know you are right and she is wrong.

Ignore and don't get cross with the DSC.

Don't blame the kids. Dss probably feels he should because that what she expects. To a child he is supporting her, which he feels he should.
Ignore her, easier said than done, but she is getting what she wants. You upset. She wants a divide between you and kids.
Unfprtunatly for her she is actually damaging her relationship with her kids. as they get older they will get fed up of her being a horrible about their DSM and half sister. If you hold your head high and carry on as normal, they will really respect that. Good luck.

Look at the positive from this, your dsd has made it clear that she thinks highly of you and her forthcoming baby sisters, both of them, and your dss too as he was upset with his sister for telling and didn't want you to think badly of him.

The mum has made an idiotic childish comment, and idiotic childish behaviour is to be ignored. However despite all the confusion they must feel you are clearly a good step parent and your step children obviously care about you

So this mum is 27 with a 10 year old son, so she was pregnant at 16. You are 25 and having your first.
She's never had an adult life without being a parent, it is probably her entire identity, how she judges and values herself. Your DH was possibly her first lover as well as her first partner and so she is probably being unkind and confused as well as pregnant because she needs her children to be 'hers' and that makes you the opposition.
I wonder how she reacts when they come back excited or happy about being with their dad and you, or try to talk about their new sibling-to-be. Is she jealous? angry? tearful and manipulative?
Poor kids.

What a silly woman; all she is doing is hurting and confusing her children, and as they grow up they'll realise this and massively resent her for it.

I agree with everyone else; don't get angry in front of the kids, just smile and say "oh no, it's your brother/sister, not an alien!"...whatever she tells them next, just keep smiling and lightheartedly denying it.

Your DP though should absolutely have a conversation with his ex about how damaging this is to the children. She can have her opinions of you, but for god's sake she should keep them from the kids.

just ignore, say "oh never mind" to the Dc and WALK AWAY

Their mum is being very stupid and childish. Don't be mad your DSS for laughing along- he's 10 and presumably has to live with the bitchy comments day in day out. It's probably easier for him to agree with her and stand up to her- he's a child after all.

Someone has said something to your DSD about favourites which is totally out of order as she now probably feels very insecure which is understandable.

Rise above it. Don't retaliate to all this because you'll be giving a rise to the ex (which she'll LOVE) at the expense of the children.

I agree with Onlywantsone
just ignore, say "oh never mind" to the Dc and WALK AWAY

She is feeding the DCs stuff which she wants to get back to you as she is jealous and angry and she wants to upset you. You are letting her upset you which is just what she is aiming for.
Just tell the DCs she is being silly and refuse to engage. How unpleasant for them to have to relay her spite and nastiness.

Being pregnant, you are going to be emotional, being pregnant she is going to be emotional. Add to the mix two children who are going to have siblings within days of each other. I wouldn't take any notice of anything anyone says someone else said.

Also, as you have never met her, you don't know what she is likely to say and what she thinks ( if anything) about you.

Ignore.

It is also possible that DSS is the truthful one, and DSD is making things up. Not to be deliberately nasty, but because she feels insecure and she wants people to like her.

I agree with the posters who say ignore.

Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.

I do have experience of all this and it is hard not to bite back but so important.

My DsD was 11 when I was pregnant with DD1. She would come to us and say things like 'Baby is only going to be my HALF brother or sister'

I knew this had come from her mum and just said 'You won't have any other brothers or sisters and neither of you is half a person, you can choose whether you are a half sister or a sister'. She chose to be her sister, moved in with us a couple of years later anyway and at 28 and 17 they are about as close as sisters can be.

pity their mum and love the step children.

She is jealous of the time you have with her children and the children will work out what the loving adult repsonse is, if you set the right example to them.

hugs from me too...it must be hard to have this negativity around the birth of your first child.

I have a couple of friends who have called their unborn baby "the alien", because that's pretty much what they look like in early scans! Other people I know have gone for "the bean" and "the little fucker". I don't think I would be offended by the alien comment.

FallenCaryatid is very wise. Pregnant at 16, unsuccessful relationship with the guy you're now marrying - there's no excuse for her dragging the kids into silly comments - but you can see why. A bit of maturity on your part is needed, laugh at the comment in a low key way, and leave it at that.

Tbh, I thought you came across a bit judgemental sharing that she has 4 kids, her age... Perhaps it was unintentional. But it struck me that having 2 very young in a relationship that failed was probably equally the 'fault' of the man you judge highly enough to marry. So I hope you aren't judging her!