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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be scared at reading the Relationships section? :(

84 replies

mixedberrymilkshake · 16/06/2012 15:59

Please tell me if I'm being pathetic, but the numerous 100+ page threads where a wife discovers her husband is actually a massive prick who seems to only care about getting his dick wet makes me...erm, paranoid.

I've actually spent nights reading through them sobbing with a bottle of wine feeling so heartbroken for the woman and her DC in question.

I am currently in a LDR and I really trust my DP- but reading first hand accounts of what men get up to in between leaving work and getting home and keeping their tracks covered for months at a time makes me so scared when my DP is 6 hours away :(

So tell me- am I being unbearably wet or do you too find yourselves feeling overwhelming empathy for these kinds of stories?

OP posts:

everlong · 16/06/2012 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 16/06/2012 19:03

Agendas you say worra
recruitment

The relationships section certainly does not have impartial advice...
Some of the advice and motivation is dubious to say the least.
Dangerous mix.

bumbleymummy · 16/06/2012 19:05

Worra - I wonder that too!

misty0 · 16/06/2012 19:05

I've learned allot and gained allot from reading the R'ships. However it has made me twitchy and i catch myself becoming quite maudlin while reading.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 16/06/2012 19:10

I'm guilty of reading the relationships board at times, but I hardly ever post there, because I don't feel qualified to give advice on the relationships of people I don't know. I have learned lots about red flags now, though, and I think it does make you more aware of things in your own relationship.

I'm not one of those people who say "DH would never cheat on me and I trust him implicitly" I don't think DH would cheat. I'm sure at this moment in time he has no intention of cheating, but who knows what the future holds? Having read some of the threads on the RB, I think I would possibly be more clued up about the practical stuff I would need to do, and I have also learned that marriages don't necessarily have to be unhappy for someone to cheat

But I agree, spending too much time on there could lead to the depressing notion that all relationships are doomed!!

LemarchandsBox · 16/06/2012 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2012 19:11

There was a thread on here the other week which should have been in Relationships really.

I was gobsmacked at how a first time parent was mocked and ridiculed for not coping with having a new baby. One or two posters were saying "Aww poor diddums not coping with adjusting to parenthood" etc...

I was absolutely disgusted to read that mockery on a parenting website, but sadly not 'shocked' because the first time parent happened to be male.

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2012 19:14

Sorry meant to add to my last post...

Therefore, I don't think people with that level of venom should be taken seriously when deciding to 'advise' anyone with a relationship problem.

It's far better to work out who the level headed posters are who don't have their own agendas...although how a new poster is supposed to be able to do that is beyond me.

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 16/06/2012 19:15

I have got a lovely dp. And apart from one dodgy one in my teens, all the men in my life have been lovely and trustworthy. There are lots of good men out there. But all the horrid ones have got to end up with someone, and these are the poor women who end up posting in the relationships section. I think it's quite sweet that you are so moved by other people's stories, but if it is getting you down that much and you are starting to doubt your dp for no good reason, then perhaps it is a topic best avoided.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 16/06/2012 19:18

If you are in a state and vulnerable, are you in a position to be capable of doing that, even are a regular and even if you know who those people are ahead of time? Even if you work out who is level headed, the other posters still can have a damaging effect.

squeakytoy · 16/06/2012 19:20

I post on the relationships board, quite often because at times I can see the OP drowning amid shouts of "leave the bastard", when that isnt what she wants to do, and therefore is not getting any help at all in actually sorting out the problem, and also because on some occasions, the OP is furious with their partner, but irrationally so and rather than people saying "yep, you are right", it can be more helpful to try and kindly and gently point out that OP may be in the wrong, on a board that isnt quite so blunt as AIBU.

Another reason I post there is because I was in a very abusive relationship years ago, and at the time there was nowhere to look for help.. the internet didnt exist, but my god if it had, and a board like this had existed, I would have not felt so bloody alone. If I can help one woman to see that it is possible to get away from violence, then it is worth it.

I would also say I have a completely different posting style really on that board than I do on this one, but I still dont mince my words, and I am still usually in the minority with my opinion, as I will always try and see a fuller picture.

Yes, some threads do warrant "leave the bastard" though.

And relationships are not just about partners/spouses, it is also about familes too.

akaemmafrost · 16/06/2012 19:27

When I found MN I was in a relationship where:

I was hit or pushed around every couple of months.
Called disgusting names and sworn at almost every day.
He did NO childcare and NO housework whatsoever. I asked him to take the dc out alone once and the row escalated till he ended up threatening to slit my throat.
He took two thirds of the family income purely for his own social life.
Had been unfaithful repeatedly.
Would disappear for days at a time.
Drank and became abusive every night.

Until I went on that board I thought it was me, that I was an awful person, bad wife, couldn't keep my husband happy etc. I put up with that for 8 years until the people on that board explained things to me.

I believe that lives have been saved on that board.

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2012 19:32

Which is why it's all the more shit when people start tapping on their keyboards without engaging their brains first.

It's all very well screaming "Red Flag" because someone's gone for a night out and come home at 4am...but sometimes people just want to sound off - not have all sorts of insults and nonsense posted about their DH just because some people have nothing better to do than project their own insecurities onto other people.

You can tell some OPs are absolutely stunned by the over reactions of some on that board.

NiniLegsInTheAir · 16/06/2012 19:34

Personally the Relationships board (the EA relationship thread in particular) is keeping me going at the moment. The vast majority of posters on there are very supportive (far more so than many on AIBU) and I luff them

everlong · 16/06/2012 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 16/06/2012 19:49

I completely agree with everything Worra has said. Funnily enough I typed a long post about this this morning, on another thread that had gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I was decided not to press send as it seemed like a bit of an unprovoked attack. Had this thread been around this morning though, I would have posted. Can't be bothered to type it all again now.

AnAirOfHope · 16/06/2012 19:51

WL you spent all of that other thread just attacking AnyFucker instead of helping the OP and the Father leaving the mother to go out drinking and not come home at night is not a healthy way to deal with being a new Father

everlong · 16/06/2012 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAirOfHope · 16/06/2012 19:55

WL do you have an agenda by any chance lol

AnAirOfHope · 16/06/2012 20:01

Everyone has different morals and what is fine for one person is not fine for another. Everyone is an indiviudal and if it upsets the OP then it should be discuessed with the partner. Partnerships are all about give and take.

There was way too much dramar and sillyness on that thread. It was the first time i have seen bullying and attacking of another posters opioin on mn tbh - i was very shocked at some of the posts inclued one giving the number of topics a certian poster had been on in one day

ReportMeNow · 16/06/2012 20:21

My posts on here over many years made reference to the daft/witty/kind things H had done/said. I, family and friends thought our marriage was a strong one and we'd still be holding hands in our 70s. So when his affair came to light - in that drip drip way they seem to - the practical advice and support I had, regarding what seemed incomprehensible behaviour, was invaluable. MN allowed me to gain control when all seemed spiralling out of it. And the advice for the dcs and what was best for their welfare was just spot on. I don't think I ever got a 'leave the bastard' post or an internal bun-fight but plenty of warm, witty and wise women took their time to help me when I most needed it and for which I will be forever grateful. I feel I ought to to a credits list like at the end of a TV programme...!

But I can understand why people hide it - my own life resembled EastEnders for a while and I don't choose to have that unrelieved gloom and doom on television!

Sallykitten · 16/06/2012 20:45

I had a look the other day and there was a post from a woman who's husband had a new job which involved being away from home and he deleted all his messages in his phone but she had no idea if he had always done this or not. On this 'evidence' she was being told if her gut told her then he must be having an affair, advised to follow him and snoop on him.

The same day there was another thread from a woman who's husband was accusing her of affairs and snooping on her and the same people were saying what a bastard he was and how terrible it was he didn't trust her and accusing him of emotional abuse and paranoia because he was accusing her of affairs on flimsy evidence, snooping, spyng etc.

I thought that was a bit weird.

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2012 20:48

On the contrary AnAir I have no agenda and that is why I'm able to see past the 'leave the bastard' mentality and actually ask questions of an OP before deciding anything.

If you read the thread in question you'd see that I did indeed give my advice/opinion to the OP, and far from 'attacking' anyone I posted how disgusted I was with some of the mockery and insults aimed at her DP...if the people being vile about him felt 'attacked' then that's their problem.

EmmaCate · 16/06/2012 20:49

No I don't get upset. The topic is one of those things that I put firmly in the 'don't worry until you have to' basket. Also I really trust my DH, so that helps.

Paiviaso · 16/06/2012 20:53

I think you are wise about your selection of a partner you will probably be ok.

I doubt most of these women who post had their partner do a complete 180 personality change on them. Id bet for most of them there were clues from the start of what kind of man they were with. They just decided to ignore them.

Don't be one of these women.

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