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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be reluctant to get married?

55 replies

Pollyskettle · 15/06/2012 23:00

We plan on buying a house and I plan on getting pregnant within the next year. That's The Plan. With capitals and all.

My DP is quite traditional and has made numerous comments in the past about getting married. Since we first met, I made it clear that I'm not a big fan of marriage, having lived through my parents' messy divorce.

I will marry him if he really wants it, but AIBU to be reluctant? Is there any real point in getting married?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 15/06/2012 23:06

The thing is, if you have a baby and a mortgage, then any split will be messy, whether you are married or not. I don't think you are saving yourself any angst by avoiding marriage.

Marriage does give you both legal protection, in case one of you dies. If you are ever a sahm, marriage is safer for you financially - there are lots of advantages to it, for women.

The only time I can think of, where it is better not to be married, is if you want to avoid putting him on the birth certificate (I'm thinking that's not the case for you) or if you are wealthy and want to avoid losing wealth should you divorce.

Snowboarder · 15/06/2012 23:06

It depends if it's just your parents divorce thatis making you reluctant or if it's some subconscious unwillingness on your part to tie yourself legally to this man long term?

FWIW I have lived through my own parents' extremely messy divorce but jumped at the chance of marrying DH when he asked. There's no reason to think that just because your parents got divorced that you will.

nymets · 15/06/2012 23:08

you don't need to and to me it seems outdated and a bit naff

though you will need to get a will

larks35 · 15/06/2012 23:09

DP and I aren't married and have 2 DCs and live as married in all ways. I would quite like to get married but am not that bothered plus we're skint, DP doesn't like the idea at all but often refers to me as his wife to people we don't know, which is weird.

Don't do it if you don't want to. There isn't a real point to it imo, except my desire is a really nice family party where both my and DP's family all get together, but we could try and arrange that without the wedding I suppose. Or, my secret wish is that we will do it, sometime when our DCs are old enough to really enjoy it too.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/06/2012 23:10

And for all the examples of unhappy marriages and messy divorces, there are also plenty of examples of long lasting, happy ones.

I believe in marriage - I lived with my dh and had a baby before we got married. I was reluctant to get wed while pg, because I didn't want people to think we'd only done it because of the baby. I can say that marriage has made me happier - it feels different, in a way that's not quite tangible, but it feels better. Perhaps your dp wants that feeling.

pantylace · 15/06/2012 23:13

Marriage is a financial agreement. If you're not going to agree a financial settlement that way, should things go wrong, just make sure you protect yourself financially when moving in with your DP because his legal obligation to you as a co-habitting partner is not equal to that of a married spouse. So beware should things go tits up.

mummmsy · 15/06/2012 23:17

The thing is, if you have a baby and a mortgage, then any split will be messy and could well be much messier when married. Without marriage, one can often just walk away esp in cases of abuse and violence without any more legal ties...

EdithWeston · 15/06/2012 23:21

There are greater legal protections for you, should you split up, especially if you choose to reduce you earnings during the child rearing years. Your rights to property can mainly be covered by Wills and making sure the house is in you name. If you are not married, you are ineligible or ant state bereavement and widow's payments. And you need to check the terms of any company or private pensions to see if there are any important differences in payments between married and unmarried partners (those which do no pay out to unmarried partners are getting rare, but they do still exist).

I should imagine, BTW, that from the child's pov it is just as messy to live through the split up if your parents regardless of whether they are married. And given the less secure position in law of unmarried partners, the process could be even nastier.

And in UK, where concept of NOK is a little nebulous, you are unlikely to face problems by having no legally recognised relationship, but it might matter enormously should you, DP or future DCs face crisis when abroad.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/06/2012 23:21

But most husband's are not abusive or violent. A father who is named on the bc, will have parental responsibility and rights of access, whether married or not. Once you have a child, I don't think you can just walk away, unless he has no interest in parenting his child in the future.

BarredfromhavingStella · 15/06/2012 23:23

I'm pretty old fashioned on the marriage thing (loose morals everywhere else like) so I was the one who wanted to do the marriage thing. As a 'compromise' we didn't do the bullshit big white wedding, just pissed off to Cuba with close friends & family & went for it-absolutely fantastic & don't regret a minute of it. It's not just words & you shouldn't take the vows if you don't mean them is my opinion.

marriedinwhite · 15/06/2012 23:25

Do you think you would be happy to marry someone else?

pantylace · 15/06/2012 23:25

Karma She will not be entitled to half his pension and other shared assets in his name. Of course he has fatherly responsibilities regardless of them being married or not. OP has a lot more to lose than simply fighting for child support payments.

usualsuspect · 15/06/2012 23:26

You don't need to get married to be in a committed relationship

usualsuspect · 15/06/2012 23:28

I never wanted to get married so I didn't

Original poster
Pollyskettle · 15/06/2012 23:33

I have never questioned my 'I will not get married' stance before my DP. I hate the idea of a wedding especially. I hate the idea of being the centre of attention and I hate the idea of being 'owned'; either I have my dad's surname and am his possession, or my husband's. I don't want either.

I get a bit 'scratching at the walls' when I think of marriage. Daft, as DP and I have been together for years and talk about babies and houses as standard. We live together and have two cats that we treat like babies It's just the reality of being legally and formally attached to someone that freaks me out.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 15/06/2012 23:38

I have been with my dp for over 30 years, never wanted to get married tbh

Nanny0gg · 15/06/2012 23:41

If you do get married, have the marriage you want. You certainly don't have to have a big do where you're the centre of lots of attention. You can have the smallest - you, your DP and a couple of witnesses whereever you like.

Legally, especially where you have children, marriage will give more security and rights.

Do you really want to be in the position of you and your DP not being each others next-of-kin?

ChaoticismyLife · 15/06/2012 23:42

You have your surname. The minute it was given to you it became yours to own :) You can even keep it if you get married or take on a completely new name.

Wrt marriage, is it the marriage or the wedding you don't like the idea of?

Usual is right though, you don't have to get married if you don't want to.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 15/06/2012 23:51

It's interesting isn't it.

If you take out a credit card, you are legally and formally committed to the terms and conditions of it.

But then you get a T&C document, so you can check it out properly. You know, the small print.

There is no T&C document with marriage. We talk on here about added security re property and children, but there's no summary document is there?

It feels like rumour and hearsay and I'm not quite sure what the legal benefits actually are. They're so tied up with so many different documents.

I'd like to see some T&Cs so people could make a proper decision. What is the real implication of getting married? (other than the usual leaving off of the toothpaste lid and leaving the loo set upwards etc etc)

BarredfromhavingStella · 15/06/2012 23:54

Read my post above-lovely & intimate wedding no feeling the centre of attention just something for me & dh to enjoy, as for the being owned-what's that all about, I'm his wife not his property, this is perhaps just an issue that you have? Hmm

usualsuspect · 15/06/2012 23:55

It's not an issue not to want to get married

pantylace · 15/06/2012 23:59

No unusual it's not an issue not to want to get married. Though there is nothing wrong with caution. Not all relationships last. In fact now days a 30 odd year relationship is not so common anymore. As long as OP is financially secure then I'd say live together.

I live with my DP. But I do have financial security should it goes tits up.

pinkteddy · 16/06/2012 00:00

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/ this website may be of interest. Couples who live together have hardly any rights compared to married couples. For example, if your partner were to die, you would not automatically inherit anything from them including the family home. If there was a will and property was left to you, you would have to pay inheritance tax which could mean you might have to sell your home to pay for it.

usualsuspect · 16/06/2012 00:01

Why assume the family home is in the mans name?

pantylace · 16/06/2012 00:02

Who is assuming?

I'm simply cautioning.

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