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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my spa day birthday 'present'?

116 replies

Bethshine82 · 15/06/2012 22:35

So me and two close friends all celebrated milestone birthdays this year.

For my friends' birthdays I made them a little photo collage as well as buying them gifts if around £30-40 which is more than I'd usually spend but they are close friends and it is a special birthday.

My birthday was last. They have me cards and said instead of buying me a gift they thought it would be nice to go for a spa day all together. Although spa days aren't really my thing I agreed and they told me the name of the place they'd looked at. I looked at it after and it indeed looked nice and packages started at £50.

Anyway fast forward six weeks and I've seen them a few times since my birthday but nothing has been arranged. I then got a text from friend tonight giving me dates she was available and asking me to check with other friend and then book if for the three of us. She ended by saying she and other friend would then pay me back for their packages.

So basically I'm being asked to arrange my own birthday present and pay for it too. I appreciate they are having to pay for their own spa treatments but they will benefit from them. They both work and I'm a sahm. To be honest I can't really afford £50 this month on something I'm not that fussed about doing.
Would it have killed them to chip in £25 each and organise this for me? It's actually the thoughtlessness more than the money that upsets me.

AIBU to be a bit snippy in my response? Have not replied yet!

OP posts:
francevive · 15/06/2012 23:07

Agree with calling them lazy buggars for asking you to organise own pressie! If it were me I probably just wouldn't reply and hope they realised.

bumperella · 15/06/2012 23:21

That's crappy of them. I can only imagine that they've forgotten its yr birthday pressie.
Honestly, you really should call them out on it - explain that actually, you're miffed that they're asking you to book, organise and pay for your birthday treat from them.

I would assume that they're being inept rather than anything else, but that's irrelevant.

skybluepearl · 15/06/2012 23:27

Text them and say you are really sorry but can't afford to pay for your/thier birthday spa day. Put the ball in their court and let them sort it out. Then report back here.

Jinsei · 15/06/2012 23:33

YANBU, OP. Why not just text and say sorry, can't really afford the spa, how about a movie night instead.

lovebunny · 15/06/2012 23:34

don't do it. they don't give a damn about you. sort out how much you might have available to spend, treat yourself and forget them. next year, save yourself time and money by not bothering with 'friends' birthdays.

Latara · 15/06/2012 23:38

You could text & say, ''i need to be honest - i can't afford to pay for the 3 of us to celebrate my birthday on a spa day which you know i won't enjoy. It's a shame that you didn't want to celebrate my birthday in the same way we celebrated both of yours.
I will understand if you both still go on the spa day; but it would be nice to celebrate my birthday soon; by going for lunch or a drink in X bar. Let me know when you decide what you want to do.''

Or forget the passive-aggressive approach & go for the full on assertive get-it-out-in-the-open approach!

Eg. ''I need to be honest - I don't want to pay for us all to go on a spa day which you know i won't enjoy. I don't understand why you didn't want to celebrate my birthday 6 weeks ago in the same way that i helped you to celebrate your birthdays??''

Or if you are really pissed off (which i would definitely be) then be brutally clear:

''Do you actually value my friendship because it doesn't feel that way right now!!''

Even £10 can be spent on 3 pairs of pretty sterling silver & glass earrings from Claire's, or a sterling silver & semi-precious stone pendant / charm from Essential; or even a photo frame with a treasured photo - your friends have failed majorly - fair play if they've been seriously ill / had serious family problems as well as work.
I think you need to find out what's going on or the resentment will eat away at you & you will end up having a serious row with these friends at some point.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 15/06/2012 23:38

Right, I have just texted back and told her to sod off that I can't afford to spend £150 up front so perhaps one of them can book it.
Have given list of days I can do and have also said that I don't mind doing something cheaper, like litter picking (no not really), because it is quite expensive for the spa package.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bethshine82 · 15/06/2012 23:40

I feel I was quite restrained in my response.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 15/06/2012 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/06/2012 00:19

Well done for texting back! Hopefully they get the hint

Latara · 16/06/2012 01:05

I agree, don't do what i said if you do actually want to keep you friends.
Your friends have still behaved in a very crap way but hopefully thoughtless rather than deliberately crap?

GodisaDj · 16/06/2012 01:40

Oh, I just read thread and wanted her to do what latara said Grin I liked all if those responses!!

Have they replied op?

Feel gutted for you. Sounds as though you value friendship more than they do tbh.

EllenParsons · 16/06/2012 02:01

YANBU

I would like a spa day but there is no way it is a present if you are expected to pay for yourself! Sounds like they are being quite thoughtless and I would also be a bit Hmm about it in your shoes

Purple2012 · 16/06/2012 06:49

Yanbu. I understand it isn't the cost that's bugging you it's the lack of thought. I have a good friend that I always make an effort for on her birthday, I always make her a cake and buy her something I know she would love. Last year I spent quite a bit of money on a self help book that I knew she really wanted. When it came to my birthday she got me a box of chocolates and didn't even wrap them, just handed them to me. I understand and accept that I am financially better off than her so it wasn't the cost that got to me, she could have bought me a nice nail varnish and some emery boards or something as I have been trying to get my nails looking lovely. That would have been a similar cost to the chocolates but with a lot more thought and consideration.

StepOutOfSpring · 16/06/2012 08:42

YANBU! Shock It's not a "present" if you have to organise and pay for it yourself. Just say you can't afford it at the moment. Then leave it up to them.

ErikNorseman · 16/06/2012 09:06

They aren't even paying for you????!!!!? They can actually just fuck off!

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 09:40

I'd text them and say, 'oh I thought you were doing it because it was meant to be my birthday present'

They don't sound like very good friends. I'd have whisked you away and made you feel special!

pigletmania · 16/06/2012 09:44

I do agree it is a bit thoughtless and mean of them. just say that you cannot afford it

SparkyTGD · 16/06/2012 09:47

I'd do what WhiteWidow suggested.

Definitely tell them you can't afford it (and you shouldn't be paying anyway!)

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 16/06/2012 09:54

Friend has texted back to say they have agreed a date but both prefer the £80 spa treatments, is that ok?! Shock

Have replied and said no way can afford that so won't be able to go (on my own birthday treat) if it is that much. Have said even £50 is quite a bit of money for me. Am awaiting response now.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 16/06/2012 09:59

How mean-spirited of them to decide on a spa-day which they obviously fancy even if it isn't your thing. And to not organise and at least contribute to yours.

Fingers croseed your text hits the right buttons.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 16/06/2012 10:03

I think Yanbu. But I would have been upfront about not actually wanting a spa break. I'd call ( not text) and having thought of something you would like to do, say that as nothing's yet been organised, you'd really prefer to do x instead.

Trioofprinces · 16/06/2012 10:08

Any response OP?

Schnarkle · 16/06/2012 10:09

The absolute cheek. You have to pay for your own present. How about jokey text to them ....."hold on a sec this is my birthday treat spa we're talking about right, as I think I've we've crossed wires here somewhere"......That'll force them to admit what they're doing. Selfish gits.

lechatnoir · 16/06/2012 10:14

Just call or text "you guys go as it's all sounding a bit pricey for me & I'd be just as happy going out for a meal/few drinks on my birthday"