To think that you shouldn't....

[mangomadness]

.....visit a newborn baby and nursing mother if somebody in your house has viral tonsillitus? You've been looking after them, learned over baby for 2 hours and didn't tell me until you're left about said virus. That's the tonsillitus that spreads. I have a poorly baby desperately fighting the virus, it's breaking my heart, I'm a first time mum and it's agony knowing I can't just make my baby better.

Also I now have tonsillitus.... Feeding every 2 hours when my boobs and nips are painful thanks to all my swollen glands, was not what I wanted as a present.

It's also known by these visitors that I get severe, can't talk, can't eat and can hardly drink tonsillitus if I'm near somebody who has it. I'm getting the bastards whipped out whilst I'm on mat leave.

I'm probably going to get flamed for being too precious but I need to vent!

Just lie down and rest, even if you can't sleep you must rest.

I was (if it makes you feel better) so so careful when carrying DD in my tummy, I even quit work to make sure that the 2 hour commute didn't over stress me (PFB), did yoga till 42 weeks, meditated daily and at the last minute the doctor cocked up and DD spent two weeks in NICU, couldn't hold her till she was a week old.

So there is a lot that we have no control over, but what you can control is those twats of your in laws coming anywhere near you until they apologise and offer some form of making it up. Cake perhaps. From a bakery!

I have updated fb status knowing that sil will report it to pil, nothing rude, just about how heartbreaking it is to see her poorly. Have probably just outed myself now as nothing is private from ILs!

Tonsillitis is so painful, if you feel up to it try gargling with salt water Aarhus should help a bit, defo have them out was the best thing I ever had done.

Don't have words to discribe how I would feel about in laws if it was me

She's a lot better today. Having longer feeds, more time awake and more alert. Her temp has also stabilised now. Hopefully yesterday was the worst and she's on the mend.
Just biding my time re ILs. Mil has been trying to make dh chose between us and her, so don't want to push him too much. I've been trying to get him to spell things out, but they're very domineering and overbearing, and I think that he needs to build himself up a bit, also I don't want to lose him. My mum suggested that I write a letter and post it, but I think that this would be used against me.

I'm glad that she is feeling better and hope you are too.

OP I'm raging on your behalf. I didn't meet my new niece for over a week because I had a bad head cold and would never go near a young baby with any kind of bug or virus.

Your inlaws are ignorant and selfish.

Could you perhaps show DH this thread? Maybe that'll make him realise his parents are totally in the wrong here and need to be taken in hand.

Congratulations btw and good luck.

He has a new baby and you're concerned that you might lose him if he puts his foot down with his parents?

As soon as possible (and I speak as a MiL here) you need to put as much (metaphorical) distance between you and the ILs as you can.

What do you mean, choose between his mum and you? That is seriously messed up.

I get very low hearing all these stories about gps who just won't let their grown up dcs choose and live their own lives. And leave them to it sometimes.

I am sorry op, that you feel you have to bide your time before dealing with this issue - I mean, I'm sorry you are not certain your dh would not automatically be supportive of you and his new dd.

So glad to hear you both are on the mend. Tonsillitis is just horrible. Had my tonsils out at 22 after years and years of misery.

Don't think I've ever seen an AIBU where everyone agrees that you're NOT being unreasonable.

Are you seriously worried that you will lose dh??.If you are,I think I would wait until you are feeling more 'back on your feet' before tackling it.

If you and your DH don't put your foot down with your MIL now, then when?
If this is not bad enough to warrant putting your foot down that what will it take (what would be worse than this?!)

He is a husband and father 1st, he has a family of his own and that comes 1st.

I tried to raise it last night. I was dismissed, told that she'd got snuffles which she could have got on a walk, and that I'd just spontaneously got tonsillitus! I said that was highly unlikely as on walks nobody has pulled a chair and loomed over her for 2 hours who has illness is their household. He conceded that. However I then stated that I found the whole situation incredibly selfish, didn't want to see my baby suffering and that it needs sorting out once and for all. I said that each time he has a little chat it calms down but starts up again so it needs to be spelt out for everybody concerned. He just walked off downstairs. She's manipulated it so that it seems that I've got a vendetta against her, she's told him that she's knows that I don't like her etc etc and that's why she can't see lo. It's bloody not! It's because of her unacceptable behaviour. His reaction seriously made me doubt how strong our marriage is. I've supported him against my mother in the past, I've stood up to her (not an easy thing!) because she has no say in the way we live our lives. Yet he can't tell his mum about her behavior. Last night I just thought that he's an utter prick, I still do today! If I keep pushing it then it will appear that she's right, if I don't it will continue. Fucking arseholes.

Okay so it looks like your dh isn't yet willing to acknowledge that his mother might be presenting a problem. My dh was like this.

I felt terrible that his mother utterly disregarded any normal boundaries that people observe as par for the course and my dh wasn't going to spell it out to her. Yellow bellied mummy's boy he was then.

So, the answer isn't to go on about it right now. In fact, don't even mention his mother again. You might be able to manage this without creating an issue. Focus on rules and boundaries between the two of you.

You simply make it clear to him that any visitors to the house have to be agreed by both of you.

Any decisions for your dd have to be made by both of you.

Any decisions about your lives have to be made by both of you.

By that, I mean utterly and totally bypass his mother with "I'll have to talk to MangoMadness/Mr. MangoMadness about it first."

Hopefully, that way she will get the message that you are united in your approach to your lives and also, more importantly, that you are showing each other respect and consideration.

You might have to stand up for yourself more in her face - no need to be rude but just make it clear what you will and won't stand for.

And don't fall for the emotional blackmail that you "won't let her see her gc" because that's bullshit. I fell for that and quickly realised that it wasn't just about my mil seeing my dcs - it was about her wanting to revolve her entire being around us and guilt tripping us at every single opportunity.

It won't end up messy if you stand firm and avoid slagging off his mother but make sure you get what you want by uniting with your dh.

I didn't read your reply until just now, very good advice.
Had a breakdown this morning and told him that he can tell his mother that I don't like her because she's ruined my first month of motherhood and I'll never get that time back.
I'm feeling more supported by faceless, anonymous strangers on the internet than by my own husband!

Oh honestly, is he a doctor then?

My marriage has been through some serious rough patches since my 1st dc arrived, and one of the biggest blow ups I've had with my DH is when he put his DM's plans/wishes before mine. I had a total meltdown, was in a horrible mood, blamed it on the hormones etc but told him repeatedly that I was very hurt and upset that he put his mother first. His mother does not come first, his wife and children do.

that is an outrageous thing to do and very very selfish of your PIL. Much sympathy for you and wee baby.

If your DH doesn't tear his parents a new one, you really ought to let them know how completely let down you feel by their behaviour, once you are better.

Until then rest up & hope you are both feeling better soon.

:( mango. How did he react?

He didn't really have a chance to as dd projectiled everywhere so I took her to change, then she had 3 lots of foamy runny poo! So I think she made my point for me about her being quite poorly. It hasn't been mentioned, been our for a nice walk, its like a massive elephant in the room!

I picked a good moment, before he was hungry (why are men always grumpy when hungry?!) and before football, and said that we needed to talk about the elephant in the room.
DH has said that he doesn't like upsetting people for no reason. I pointed out that there was more than one reason, and that our family unit i.e DD, him and me should come before all others. I also pointed out that it's ruined his paternity leave and that he'll never get that time back. (In hospital the evening that MIL tried to take DD as she was feeding, when she'd had her fill she took DD off DH and that was it for the next hour, there was only 30mins visiting time left. She ignored me asking her to give DD back to DH, as I felt that he should bond with his 3 day old baby. He was completely trodden over by her and I was too tired. I wouldn't have minded if she'd cuddled then handed back DD to DH, so that he could spend that precious time with her.) It's overshadowed everything.
He admitted that it has been like a campaign of harassment. Seriously, when we came home from hospital, he said to MIL that we'd like to take our time getting to learn how to be a family and that when we're ready WE will INVITE them. So phone calls and texts everyday, demanding to come up. So he felt bad saying no all of the time. I pointed out that this was part of the manipulation and he can recognise that now.... brilliant with one day left before he goes to work, and no more time off until Sept. He agreed that sometimes you have to upset people in order to protect those most important. Seriously this demanding to come here, she was even saying that she wanted to see our dog as another excuse to get into our house. That was after one of DH's little, gentle, skirting around the issue chats.
So the long shot is that he won't grow a pair and stand up to her. Instead I will write it all down and he'll read it so he understands everything clearly and he'll then give it to her.
I said that I don't really give a flying fuck who I upset when it comes to our unit, be it his stupid, selfish family or my family. As I pointed out to him, my family aren't perfect and I will never pretend that they are but as he says they've been wonderful throughout pregnancy and since DD was born. Infact he said that he wouldn't have coped during my labour and the birth without my mum there. His mum doesn't know that my mum was there, would only make things MUCH worse, as EVERYTHING is a competition. She felt the need to escort my mum to my hospital bed on day 3 of my stay as she knew where I was and obviously my mum wouldn't(!).
He accepts that I won't ever forgive his family for what they've done, in the same way that I won't forgive my mum for what she did before our wedding.
So basically it's going to be me being the evil daughter in law, no doubt that will get told to all and sundry; as all of our personal business does.