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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mind-numbingly angry my "friends" failed to tell me their lodger was convicted sex offender

108 replies

3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 19:42

Namechanged as wish not to be identified.... will give full story so as not to dripfeed (have slightly changed some facts also)

I have 2 what I thought were good, longterm friends. They regularly rent out a cottage adjacent to their home to friends of theirs for months at a time. A number of months ago I visited them briefly with my DDs and got a horrific sense the current lodger took too much interest in my girls.... it was like shiver going down my spine. I have never had this sense before, chose not to mention it at the time (did mention it subsequently to a different friend in passing) but made a mental note not to let this man near my kids (he was offering to become more involved in their lives, become friends, help out etc).

It became apparent last week during a night out from another friend (who had being informed by someone who recognised this man from the media) that this guy was a convicted sex offender, who had being placed on the sex offenders register for child related offences (though the registration had since expired).

AIBU to feel the most angry AngryAngryAngryi have ever felt in my life that these 2 friends failed to inform me of this mans background - I believe placing my DDs in potential danger? They were aware of his conviction but believed (based solely on his story) that he was incorrectly convicted and was no harm to children.

I feel like these people have played russian roulette with my DDs innocence - how would you feel.

OP posts:
Kitchentiles · 13/06/2012 19:46

Well, I can see why you're angry but then if they genuinely beloved his innocence, then they wouldn't think there was a problem IYSWIM? Not that I would believe him in their place.

You need to get their side of it.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 19:51

Have spoken to them at length - and listened to their side. One of the couple agrees they were very blinkered in believing his story - the other steadfastly holds to her right to protect this man Shock- no matter what child is put in danger.

I order to gain a balanced view of this mans conviction - i contacted the relevant authorities to gain some facts - hopefully allaying my fears re his intentions. They however confirmed they believe (based on other behaviour's reported by other parents) my DDs were in danger.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2012 19:52

I'd be fine with it - on account of not leaving children with strangers anyway.

As a foster carer I don't leave children with adults who aren't crb checked so it's not difficult.

Helenh90 · 13/06/2012 19:52

I wouldn't be best pleased if it was me, far from it
IMO they should have told you, I don't believe that these people are ever 'cured' and you say he was taking a bit too much interest in your dd's, I would stay well away from him if I were you, you can never be too careful when it comes to things like this.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 19:55

I guess Laurie, I would also be cautious - but the community we live would not necessarily act like that - very rural, lots of very large families etc..

I would not leave my kids with a stranger - but when a person is a friend of a friend, it gives them a form of credence by association i think

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 13/06/2012 19:55

I would phone the so called "friends" and make it very clear that they need to inform anyone with children that might of been or are going to be in contact with this man, so that those responsible for children can make an informed decision.

I would ask the local police if he is allowed to have contact with children.

and I would ask yourself how well do you know your "friends", for what reason would they allow this contact with your children?

oh and ask at what point would they have stepped in had you gone along with his friendship?

no matter what they say they believe, they should of given you the chance to make up your own mind.

and how rude to his victims to dismiss them as liars.

LowRegNumber · 13/06/2012 19:57

Which authority gave you that information Confused

Anyway, wrt your friends they were wrong. If they believed his innocence that is fine however as they are not a court, they should have allowed you to make your own decision about your children by telling you what they knew - and, imo, you should tell them that.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 19:57

Helen he is no longer in area - once authorities became aware of his location he upped and moved (again kinda worrying). I would not have expected a blow by blow account of his conviction.... just a mention there is a grey area in his background, they believe it is a miscarriage of justice, but just to be on the safe side perhaps its best not to leave him alone with the kids....

I feel that would also act to protect him from potential temptation (if indeed, and indeed he may not have being tempted).

OP posts:
HereIGo · 13/06/2012 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrahamTribe · 13/06/2012 19:58

I'd have been extremely angry although I too wouldn't leave my DC with strangers.

Laurie, I'm just being nosy here, tell me to mind my own if you'd rather - is the rule of not leaving your foster DC with anyone who isn't CRB checked a necessary part of the conditions of fostering or is it a personal decision? I'm wondering how you deal with things like invitations to tea from other mothers, parties, even simple things which most of us wouldn't think twice about such as leaving the DC with your own parents while you pop to the shops.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/06/2012 20:00

Are you still going to be friends with these people? Idont think I could be after that, especially if one of the refuses to see what they did wrong.

AnyoneForTennis · 13/06/2012 20:01

If he was in the 'media' then it was a big crime?

perplexedpirate · 13/06/2012 20:01

Wow Laurie. sanctimonious much?

OP I think you need to speak to your friends and make them understand the danger this man presented. From what you've said they really don't seem to get it.
How good friends are they? They'd have to be bosom pals for me not to just walk away for something like that I think.

JumpingThroughHoops · 13/06/2012 20:02

CRB only means you haven't been convicted the day the check was run. Bit Like an MOT means your car was road worthy that day.

EasilyBored · 13/06/2012 20:03

You can't go around warning people who might come in contact with this guy, because his registration has expired. He's not on the list any more.

If you didn't leave your children alone with him, then stop worrying about it.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:03

quote - exactly my feelings.... they made their decision to welcome this man into our community, i do feel discretely vague but relevant information could have being given to the very few mothers who would have being in touch with him.

These friends love and underdog and the satisfaction of protecting someone that has being unfairly treated by society. i fear this desire to do the "brave" thing has overtaken any form of sense or objective analysis of the situation (not that that is their job - we have courts for that)

I guess lowreg - info given someone who places the safety of children high on the agenda. i was given no explicit details (I requested none and do not feel it is any of my business) - but I did need to know if there was potential risk..

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 13/06/2012 20:04

Op, how did you find out about his convIction? I didn't think Sara's law could be applied like that.
Graham tribe there isn't a blanket policy re crb checking adults, fostering regs say that foster carers can make the decision about who to allow fostered DCs to have contact with.

Hulababy · 13/06/2012 20:05

Maybe the lodger was in the house too, and round and about the house, using the same living room, kitchen a lot, etc?

Easy to end up leaving a child briefly too - nipping to the loo, going to grab a drink from the kitchen. Most people don't take their children every single place with them every time ime.

And op - yes. I would be furious too. I am not sure they would be friends any longer. I could no longer trust the,

FamiliesShareGerms · 13/06/2012 20:07

Graham - it's something SS insist on, because they are the children's guardian while they are in foster care or in an adoption placement. In fact, it's usually only a couple of named, CRB checked individuals who can have sole charge of Looked After Children, not just any old CRB cleared adult.

It's a PITA (my experience is from adopting, not fostering). The only other people who could look after our daughter were my parents, so we had to refuse invitations where we needed a baby sitter, or drop off parties etc etc...

AgentProvocateur · 13/06/2012 20:08

But were your DDs ever "in danger"? He's your friend's tenant, not even living in the same house as them and you were on a "brief visit". Really, would you have left your children alone with a friend's lodger even if he wasn't creepy? Hmm

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:09

HereIgo, i think you will see by reading OP that his insistence at befriending my DDs sent shivers down my spine, i listened to my instinct and immediately withdrew. Evidently I felt he was not a "normal" lodger - as the conversation did not pan out the usual type you described.

We live in very rural area - everyone chats and has time for each other.... I am very cautious with my kids - but am so angry friends thought his right to blend into our community was more important then protecting my kids.

OP posts:
edam · 13/06/2012 20:10

Blimey, that's outrageous. It's not for them to make the decision that he is 'safe' around your children - that's your responsibility and your choice. Even if they believe in his innocence, it's not their right to impose that belief on your kids. And it's not actually doing him any favours either. They put your kids and you in a false position.

madmomma · 13/06/2012 20:11

I would be absolutely livid. I just can't begin to imagine how you feel. Thank God for your instincts.

bobbledunk · 13/06/2012 20:11

yanbu, luckily you noticed that his behaviour was suspicious and refused him opportunity to your children before you were aware of his conviction, not all parents would notice that and it is those children he is a danger to. I do hope that you warn everybody in your community so they can keep their children away from him. I'd also suggest talking to the police to inform them that he seems intent on being involved with children, they need to know he's looking for new victims. (lets face it, his interest isn't innocent).

As for your 'friends', they're not. They don't care about your children's right not to be abused so fuck them. They are responsible for any child he abuses that they have wittingly enabled access to. They know what he has done, can see what he is doing (even if they pretend to be the few that can't) and are prepared to help him do it again by providing access to children and refusing information to parents. What horrible people. Every time you look at them, think of what they were happy to allow happen to your kids. Be sickened and know they're not worth friendship. You can do better than that.

ErikNorseman · 13/06/2012 20:11

Familiesshare- it isn't insisted upon by all depts. as I say the fostering regs do not stipulate this. Reason being I believe that it is very stigmatising for lac not tO be able to go to friends' for tea etc.

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