to be mind-numbingly angry my "friends" failed to tell me their lodger was convicted sex offender

[3littlewomen]

Namechanged as wish not to be identified.... will give full story so as not to dripfeed (have slightly changed some facts also)

I have 2 what I thought were good, longterm friends. They regularly rent out a cottage adjacent to their home to friends of theirs for months at a time. A number of months ago I visited them briefly with my DDs and got a horrific sense the current lodger took too much interest in my girls.... it was like shiver going down my spine. I have never had this sense before, chose not to mention it at the time (did mention it subsequently to a different friend in passing) but made a mental note not to let this man near my kids (he was offering to become more involved in their lives, become friends, help out etc).

It became apparent last week during a night out from another friend (who had being informed by someone who recognised this man from the media) that this guy was a convicted sex offender, who had being placed on the sex offenders register for child related offences (though the registration had since expired).

AIBU to feel the most angry i have ever felt in my life that these 2 friends failed to inform me of this mans background - I believe placing my DDs in potential danger? They were aware of his conviction but believed (based solely on his story) that he was incorrectly convicted and was no harm to children.

I feel like these people have played russian roulette with my DDs innocence - how would you feel.

they should have told you. and they are very gullible. ok, not every accused person is guilty, but where harm is a potential everyone should be cautious.

Thank you Families, that's very interesting. I learn something new every day. :) You've said exactly what I was thinking - wow that must be a PITA to comply with!

EasilyBored, - "You can't go around warning people who might come in contact with this guy, because his registration has expired. He's not on the list any more."

Who says the OP can't? She can do as she pleases.

Personally I'd be distancing myself from the "friends" too. I'd find it hard to have as a friend anyone who I felt doesn't take my child's welfare as seriously as I do (of course I reciprocate that - mates look out for each others kids as well as their own iykwim).

We've a couple of nasty rings uncovered in my area in the last few years and a common factor is that these predators seem to look out for each other & seem disgustingly respectable & normal (one was a married father of 5). (All a crb check means is that someone hasn't been caught YET btw).

Re looked after children- each LA applies it differently.

I understand what may of you are saying about the dds not being left alone with this man anyway, but I don't really think that's the point.

I would feel quite shaken and upset if my boys had been in any contact at all with someone who had such sinister thoughts towards them, whether or not I was there the whole time. It's just creepy and unnerving, especially if this person has been brought into contact with them by someone I thought I could trust with my dc. I'm not a nervous type person, have balls of steel usually, but if I was in OPs position, Id be freaked!

I assume they don't have children of their own?

What would they say if he had molested a local child "oops, I guess we were wrong"?

YANBU - if they didn't want to tell people then they shouldn't have invited people with kids round while he was staying

It's occurred to me that while the OP wouldn't have left her DDs in the care of this man she may have left them with these established, trusted friends during her visit, perhaps while she went shopping or for a drink with another friend etc. What must worry her is what access to her girls that they might have allowed the man to have.

We found out about the conviction as he was recognized by someone - yes the case was high profile at the time (will not go into why as would make it very recognizable).

Saras law is not applicable in our situation

Our children would often run out playing in the fields and garden, that would be the norm where we live - and i would be able to see them from the house/garden. I would never leave them with a stranger - but situations could easily arise eg parties if they pop into the loo (DD aged 10) whereby they could meet him alone.

This man i believe was working to gain mine and my DDs trust - so gradually with time we would trust him with the kids.... I feel I should have being warned.

Yes, to me i think this a deal breaker - especially with the person who refuses to contemplate he may be guilty of the crimes he pleaded guilty to!!

Oh man! That spare "that" shouldn't have been there! Sorry.

"I do hope that you warn everybody in your community so they can keep their children away from him. I'd also suggest talking to the police to inform them that he seems intent on being involved with children, they need to know he's looking for new victims. (lets face it, his interest isn't innocent)."

Seriously?! A) you don't know what he was convicted for B) his registration has expired - so you think you know him better than the judge involved in sentencing him? C) how do you know he seems intent on being around children? You're making massive assumptions and D) it is precisely this kind of witch hunting bullshit that makes people who might struggle with inapropriate thoughts about children, not want to seek help.

Why why why do we insist on trying to put sex offenders through the normal justice system (crime, trial, conviction, sentence, free man) why obviously people believe that once you've commited any kind of crime against a child you must have it tattooed across your forehead for the rest of your life?!

If part of this man's registration conditions were that he should not be around children, then YANBU, otherwise YABU.

Exactly Graham - how could i live with myself if a child was hurt or abused that i could have prevented? You also sum up my feeling of worry - one of these friends (whom i have known for 10 years now) was planning to have my eldest DD for the day over the summer...... Don't think that will be happening now!

I remember reading about a man who was wrongly convicted of abusing his daughter. His ex wife made it up maliciously and got the little girl to lie. The man went to prison and after that his life was in tatters. He was homeless for many years. Eventually the little girl grew up, realised how wrong it was and went to the police and cleared him.

Poor bloke.

In your case though op i would go with gut instinct.

whats what the judge thinks got to do with expired sex offenders registration, the length of time someone spends on the register is set in stone depending on sentence.

I would be furious, and tbh it would end the friendship! They had no right to make the choice for you.
If this man was staying in the same building as you it would be virtually impossible to keep your children at your side the whole time. Additionally why should your children not be able to go to say the toilet without all of you having to stand outside the door.

As I said I would end the friendship and ensure everyone with children also knew so they could make an informed choice

How long do offenders remain on the register?
It depends on the offence. Those given a jail sentence of more than 30 months for
sexual offending are placed on the register indefinitely. Those imprisoned for between
six and 30 months remain on the register for 10 years, or five years if they are under
18. Those sentenced to six months or less are placed on the register for seven years,
or three-and-a-half years if under 18. Those cautioned for a sexual offence are put on
the register for two years, or one year if under 18.

Yes PooPoo - when speaking to "friends" I expressed that the very remote chance he was innocent (though what man would plead guilty to a child related sex crime if innocent) it was incredibly sad - but that he made that decision when he pled guilty.

Easilybored - i do know what he was convicted off and pled guilty to as i have read the media coverage.

His behaviour was very worrying around my children - i stated prior to being made aware of his past that he was not someone I was happy to be near my kids as he made me feel very uneasy. I understand it is easy to project these behaviours when you know of someones past - but i had no clue at the time.

I am not interested in a witch hunt - but am passionate about protecting my children.... a small and discrete word in the ear (no facts needed to given) but an expression of caution would have served the purpose....

^and the judge decides on the length of the sentence? No?

Bit weird calling me sanctimonious

There are rules, I sign a contract, that's it. It's very simple.

Even with my own children I wouldn't leave them with 'strangers' - this man to you is a stranger. A friend I got to know really well, a parent with children the same age, all fine if I had the choice.

But strangers, no.

What is most worrying for me is the fact you felt he was creepy and had that 'feeling'. I work in the field of rehabilitation of offenders and know that whilst he was on probation etc, he would have been advised/told that even when no longer on the register, any contact with children should be avoided for obvious reasons. As part of rehabilitation, a registered sex offender will be asked to recognise the factors that contributed to their offending in the first place and will then be asked to identify as many inhibitors as possible in order to prevent them from reoffending in the future - access and opportunity are key here. If you honestly felt that he was working to gain your trust and are subsequently worried for the safety of other children, then you can speak to the local public protection police officers, just to gently raise your concerns.

EasilyBored My first priority as a mother is to my children. If I was made aware that someone was a known sex offender, I would most definitely be ensuring their safety first by avoiding any chance of contact.

I would not be giving anyone a second chance and relaxing my watch over my children. You are an adult and can make your own choices. It's up to me to make those choices at present for my children. I do not want them coming to me in the future and accusing me of complicty in any abuse due to not watching out for their interests.

There are too many threads on the Relationships board where now-adult children relate the damage done to them because parents ignored or overlooked adults with unhealthy interests in children.

yes but those are very prescriptive timescales.

OP, sorry - did your friends think he was innocent , or that he had done his time and therefore posed no further risk? Just that you said he'd pled guilty.

Either way, they should have told you.

See Laurie - he was working on the friendship.... trying to ingratiate himself with me and the kids etc... Hence heckles were raised and my Mum alarm went off that something was not right! I do not think he was stupid enough to think i would leave him with kids on a second meeting... I believe they call it playing a longterm game!!

Erik, I'm ever so sorry, I've only just seen your remarks about CRB checks up there . Thank you^ too, I didn't mean to be rude or to snub you by only accepting families explanation I just genuinely didn't see what you'd posted til I re-read just now.

I'm not saying that she should have left her children alone with him, I'm saying that the poster who suggested that she tell everyone she knows about him is being unreasonable.

And we all know that a huge makority of those cases were where the person who abused the child was a family member or close friend. This man was neither.

Yes you can feel uncomfortable and not want to leave your children around him, but spreading gossip about him all round the village is spiteful.