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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mind-numbingly angry my "friends" failed to tell me their lodger was convicted sex offender

108 replies

3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 19:42

Namechanged as wish not to be identified.... will give full story so as not to dripfeed (have slightly changed some facts also)

I have 2 what I thought were good, longterm friends. They regularly rent out a cottage adjacent to their home to friends of theirs for months at a time. A number of months ago I visited them briefly with my DDs and got a horrific sense the current lodger took too much interest in my girls.... it was like shiver going down my spine. I have never had this sense before, chose not to mention it at the time (did mention it subsequently to a different friend in passing) but made a mental note not to let this man near my kids (he was offering to become more involved in their lives, become friends, help out etc).

It became apparent last week during a night out from another friend (who had being informed by someone who recognised this man from the media) that this guy was a convicted sex offender, who had being placed on the sex offenders register for child related offences (though the registration had since expired).

AIBU to feel the most angry AngryAngryAngryi have ever felt in my life that these 2 friends failed to inform me of this mans background - I believe placing my DDs in potential danger? They were aware of his conviction but believed (based solely on his story) that he was incorrectly convicted and was no harm to children.

I feel like these people have played russian roulette with my DDs innocence - how would you feel.

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 13/06/2012 20:38

i would be very upset with my friends and question their judgement.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:41

Wilson, both!

My friends believed every word he spun them... and as we discounted the facts one by one, they changed them to protect him.... e.g. the reason he pled guilty has changed on 3 or 4 occasions...

They are also very passionate about someone doing the time, fresh chance etc... I would also be on board with this - so long as children are not put at risk (this couple have no children) and his behaviour towards my child was not right

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 13/06/2012 20:41

EasilyBored, I'm finding your apparent sympathy for a convicted child sex abuser a little hard to stomach tbh.

pantylace · 13/06/2012 20:41

The man is a master manipulator. Your friends didn't say anything because he had pulled the wool over their eyes! Just like he was trying to lull you into a false sense of security while trying to ingratiate himself into your lives, which you picked up on. You're 8th sense kicked in while your friend's were taken in by them.

Let them know how disappointed and fearful you feel about their misjudgement. But also, forgive them.

pantylace · 13/06/2012 20:42

Meh! 6th sense!

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:43

Easilybored - i have spread no gossip, but have obtained FACTS I felt were needed for my kids safety.

My children would be one of the very few sets of kids that visit that home.... i have however told "friends" they must inform another young family who visit that home of his background or I have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:44

Panty - I think your first paragraph is spot on but i do not think i can forgive...

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/06/2012 20:46

Your last post can speak for me too Graham.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:47

Molly - thank you for your informed words.... yes, i thank the lord i mentioned this very strong feeling to a friend prior to our realisation of his past, and understand this may be of importance....

I know many people after these things come to light reflect and project!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 13/06/2012 20:47

Pleading guilty when innocent . . . my first thought was is he of low intelligence, special needs, understanding? I have a relation who has undiagnosed sen but functions just about well enough to get by as an adult. If you met him you would think he was odd put wouldn't necessarily think he wasn't capable of making his own decisions or of being as easily influenced and led as he is. He worries me!

EasilyBored · 13/06/2012 20:54

It's not sympathy for the man. It's annoyance at the complete and total double standards we use for crimes against children compared to any other crimes. Crap like Sarah's law just adds fuel to the fire. Would I be concerned if my neighbour was a convicted sex offender? Yes, of course I would. But I would also be concerned if he had convictions for arson, or drunk driving, or burglary. Yet I don't get to have that information. And those things could affect me too.

We obviously think that sex offenders are ALWAYS repeat offenders, and that might well be true. But if it IS true, then we need to stop trying to treat them like other criminals, whilst also holding them to different standards.

It's one rule for one, and one rule for another, whilst also trying to put people through the same system. It just doesn't make any sense. I imagine I feel the abhorance for crimes against children that most people do, I just don't feel the same need to persecute offenders to the grave.

WilsonFrickett · 13/06/2012 20:56

I agree with Panty to a point - your friends were manipulated. That said, it seems they willingly put themselves in a position where they were open to be manipulated.

You mention you're in a small community, is there someone who could talk to them and try and help them to see that the decisions they made in their little bubble could have had devestating effects for the community around them? A vicar or someone like that?

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:58

Poopoo - i do not want to give away too much - but the media attention was due to the nature of his job, he would not be able to do this job (very competitive etc) if SEN

Easilybored - I cannot agree with that, sex crimes against children destroy lives and are against the innocents in our society. Rightly so it is and shall remain one of the last taboos

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 13/06/2012 20:59

easily It's fairly well known and accepted that sex offenders 'start small' and work their way up to bigger crimes through a cycle of reoffending, in a way that burgalers and drunk drivers don't. That's why Sara's law exists, because re-offending rates and escalations are very high.

Actually, the more I write the more your comparison with burgalry and sex abuse offends me..

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 20:59

Wilson - I feel they made a choice (and must now live with the repercussions of that in a small community) but i was not afforded the respect of making a choice for my DC. They felt they knew so much, they could make that choice on my behalf

OP posts:
Whatnamethistime · 13/06/2012 21:00

problem with offences of this nature, is the after effects often persue the victim and their family to the grave, so the impact on the offender should be the same, plus of course the high rates of reoffending

pantylace · 13/06/2012 21:01

Sex crimes and war! Those are the two things no one ever "gets over". You're lucky if you learn to live with it in the background like white noise, turned down, mostly.

pigletmania · 13/06/2012 21:01

YANBU at all. They have a duty to warn anyone who comes to vsit with children so that you can be on your guard. What if they try to befriend you, unaware of their history and you become friends with them. Child protection comes first above their feelings. No need to be a viglilante, but people with kids have a right to know when they visit

GrahamTribe · 13/06/2012 21:03

EasilyBored, I'm not an authority on this subject but I believe that evidence and studies to date suggest that child sex offenders are recidivists and that many don't actually believe that what they're doing is wrong. I may be mistaken on this, maybe someone in the know can explain and advise?

Personally I'd be far less concerned that my neighbour was a convicted burglar - one of your own examples - than a convicted child sex abuser.

And personally, I'm not a liberal-thinker, nor am I a very nice person when it comes to what I think should be done with men like the one in the OP.

fairyfriend · 13/06/2012 21:04

Easliybored, you are talking as if 'we' have some say in sentencing, so your argument makes no sense.
'We need to stop treating them like other criminals.' Erm, we are doing exactly that- treating them with the contempt they deserve! Just because some incompetent judge has handed out a pathetic sentence that puts children back in danger does not mean we have to agree with it!

claudedebussy · 13/06/2012 21:04

agreed whatnamethistime.

i personally don't think you can change your sexual preferences. and if you get off on kids, you'll always be like that, just like i'll always like men.

i will do everything in my power to protect my kids. and if that means not being friends with a couple because they wilfully expose my kids to men who have been convicted of sexual offences against children, then that is absolutely what i will do. no question.

WilsonFrickett · 13/06/2012 21:07

I absolutely see that and I really do get why you are so angry, but - forgive me if this is worded badly - your anger isn't going to change anything. It isn't going to get them to think about the impact of their actions, worse case scenario is they write it off as 'just another unforgiving type who doesn't have the compassion we do' and your reaction 'feeds' their own view of themselves - do you see what I mean? That's why I think some sort of intervention from a respected person may help them reframe their actions and - hopefully - realise how much they fucked up.

I'm just not sure if your fury would stop them making the same decision in the future.

And I don't think you can or should forgive them btw, sorry if my earlier post read like that. I do think they were manipulated, but there are consequences for their naivety - the loss of your friendship being one.

edam · 13/06/2012 21:08

Easily - what does the situation in the OP have to do with persecuting sex offenders? It's the other way round - some naive people allowing a convicted sex offender to have contact with children.

Rehabilitation of sex offenders does not include seizing opportunities to befriend children and families - quite the reverse. There is a clear risk in the situation the OP outlines that he was trying to start to form a friendship with the OP and her children. To become a trusted person.

A generally useful way to look at risk is to ask 'how likely is X to happen' and 'if X did happen, how bad would it be?' Anything do with child sex offences rates very highly on the 'how bad would it be' scale, so it is worth taking that risk very seriously indeed. And 'how likely' is also a real problem here, when you are talking about a convicted offender.

Original poster
3littlewomen · 13/06/2012 21:08

Graham - i have never heard that term before.... but yes I have being told this is the case (and why they are so successful at convincing people they are innocent).

A friend of mine who used to work with released sex offenders had to receive regular de-briefing/counselling sessions or she would start to empatise/minimise these mens offences as they were as she puts it "the nicest most passive guys you could meet"

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 13/06/2012 21:08

^^ to the OP.

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