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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell others about the ability DD has with reading, writing & maths?

96 replies

Emmielu · 13/06/2012 18:41

3 months ago DD was sent home with a letter saying that she has been noticed to be gifted/talented in literacy & maths. Obviously im very proud of her, told my family & her dad. I've not told any of the mums that im friends with at school because im not the bragging type & tbh how do you announce that without having the feeling like you are bragging.

Following on until today, DD has moved up to YR1 reading books & came running out of school yelling "MUM! IM ONTO YEAR 1 WRITING SENTENCES NOW!" I congratulated her & told her i was proud of her but did catch the eye of a few mums & they didnt look best impressed. I felt awkward. I know kids learn at different rates, i know what they struggle with in one thing they're fantastic with at another & im not saying there is a developmental line that all kids should meet, but now i feel like i should have at least said something to one of the mums im friends with just so that things like this werent made to feel awkward. I know its going to be spoke about but am i really being unreasonable by not saying how well DD is doing to the point of saying "DD is at this level with her reading"? I dont feel like i have to say anything when it comes to talking about how well the kids are doing, i just agree that its a great school & it shows in how well the kids are learning new things.

OP posts:

ThePoorMansBeckySharp · 14/06/2012 05:27

You are over-thinking this. I'd be very surprised if the other mothers were particularly interested!

CurrySpice · 14/06/2012 05:30

I wouldn't say anything either. People do get odd about it

I have one very good friend at the school gate who I can shamelessly boast to and she to me. It is a wonderful release.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 14/06/2012 07:22

gwendolen not at all, and of course it's nice when they come out happy and excited. Just might be a good moment to explain that in general it can be better not shouting about some things in front of everyone.

bruffin · 14/06/2012 07:31

This is a competitive "not showing off thread"

Goolash · 14/06/2012 07:57

What could you have said that would make them feel less awkward?

If they happened to be chatting with you when she ran out then smile and at the most say "bless, she's been working so hard recently", then move on.

If you approach them about it at a later date, or bring it up in conversation, you'll look like a nutter. If you start chatting, however nicely, about children having different strengths, you run the risk of being patronising.

I think you're over thinking it a bit.

Children run out of reception and infants shouting about all sorts.
It's only natural for people to look up if a louder noise appears suddenly, even if they dont really give a shit. You happened to catch their eye at that moment? On another forum there's a post that xxx child came out boasting and the mother was looking around to see who noticed I'm not saying you were but perceptions can be funny.
if the parents do give a shit, they'll be over it in a few years. I have children in junior school and have no interest in reading levels.
if they do really give a shit, enough to talk about it endlessly, then stuff 'em. There may be no cure for them.

alistron1 · 14/06/2012 08:14

You are aware that the g+t register is a record of the top 10% of a cohort. Schools are required to record this and demonstrate adequate provision. It doesn't mean that a particular child is a genius and tbh it can be pretty fluid as kids progress through school.

It's nice to know that ones children are doing well, but I think it's unhelpful to 'label' children at such a young age.

accountantsrule · 14/06/2012 10:15

They don't send G&T letters out at DS1's school. Its only an infant school and they stretch them individually. I actually believe it is an incentive for the children at this age when other children are on higher reading levels, a couple of parents have said to me that their DCs have asked when they will be on my DSs level and the parents and teachers always say well you will be as long as you practice every day - its not always a bad thing.

I constantly tell him not to talk about it etc but the other children on average levels do all the time about going up levels. I feel bad they I feel the need to make him almost secretive about it but I believe it is a good quality for him to have when he's older as boasting can be terribly upsetting to others!

Why do people assume its a stealth boast, this erally annoys me! So what - why can't people be proud of bright children. If your child had SEN and they went up a level or whatever everyone would be so happy for them. These children are only 5 or 6 years old, they are not boasting they are just proud/happy of their achievements and there's nothing sinister about that!

Tinklewinkle · 14/06/2012 10:26

"You should probably have a word with her about boasting"

I think that's a bit unfair. She's obviously proud and pleased with herself, why shouldn't she be excited?

I don't think YABU, I have 2 girls, one G&T and one on School Action Plus, and there's a lot of competitiveness at our school, I just stay out of it all to be honest.

bruffin · 14/06/2012 10:47

If a child came out of school proud that he had made the football team or winning a race, would you tell then to be quiet about it.
I don't understand the concept that it is ok to succeed at sport, but not academically.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 14/06/2012 10:52

There is no reason she shouldn't have been excited, and I'm not at all saying that she should be reprimanded for coming out and saying so. And Bruffin I think you've made a bit of a leap there about what I do and don't think is 'ok'!

What I am saying is that there is a social skill which could usefully be introduced here about the ways and times in which it is usually best to express stuff like this. Nobody is going to warm to the child who comes out shouting 'I'm Mary! I'm Mary!' before the nativity, or 'I'm on the A team in football!' to an assemblage of parents, and if it were me I would, at some point, take the opportunity to say that you might hurt other people's feelings if they hadn't been picked/didn't win/didn't get the solo by shouting it to everyone.

My dd always waits until we are out of earshot before sharing stuff about her day, whether it is a grade she got or how annoying someone was or how cross she is about being on the B team..... I think that's just courtesy.

bruffin · 14/06/2012 10:58

What about the social skill of being pleased for other peoples success and not encouraging jealousy

Angeldevil · 14/06/2012 10:58

Children will always blurt out something you may not want anyone else to hear. Ignore the mothers who seem to spend their lives comparing their children with others and trying to outdo them. You are going into school to pick up your child/ren and to take an interest in what they have been doing!

Lueji · 14/06/2012 11:03

Was that a look of envy?

Their problem.

FredFredGeorge · 14/06/2012 11:03

If she's only up to "year 1" how is she "gifted and talented"? At such a young age the range of abilities is such that age is a very poor predictor of ability, so ability at a particular age says little about how gifted or talented you are. It seems a particularly odd letter for the school to send, and the fact they do, suggests a lot more about the sort of competitive parents who need to know such information.

timetoask · 14/06/2012 11:08

I wouldn't say a word to other people.
If she is working at yr1 level, although it is a great achievement, it is not really outstanding.
It is possible that the other children will eventually catch up and it will be embarrassing if she is no longer in the gifted list.

Original poster

Emmielu · 14/06/2012 13:29

Katamongthepigeons was there any need for that comment?

So you post on the busiest forum.......

Really, so innocently?

"I have such a gifted and talented child and I don't want to upset anyone by talking about it because I'm so nice and ........"

Have i come across as a boasty parent to you? Ever so sorry if i have. However, if you'd like me to be boasty im happy to comment again boasting of what i do have. Wouldnt be a lot written but im sure i can stretch it with a few long words.

OP posts:

MsKittyFane · 14/06/2012 13:39

I never discuss my DD's ability with anyone. When people ask about things I tell them I don't know what the reasons are for the school doing xyz. Let them gossip speculate if they want but I keep quiet.
I would recommend you do the same OP.
:o

accountantsrule · 14/06/2012 13:45

FredFredGeorge G&T is in comparison to the other children at the school so she will be G&T at that school and as mentioned previously this is usually the top 10%.

At DSs school there were a large number of children working at that level so the top 10% are working at a high Y1/Y2 level in YR and on the other hand there could be a school where the top 10% are not even at Y1 level.

I don't think there is any need to comment about it in that way really!

MsKittyFane · 14/06/2012 13:52

Also agree that doing Year 1 work when in reception is quite normal, they tend to mix the DC up a lot in Primary.

EarnestDullard · 14/06/2012 13:56

I don't think you need to say anything OP. It's not their business and it has no reflection on them or their own children. Every child is different, of course some are going to do better academically than others. It's just the way things are.

And if they gave you "a look" when your child came out of school and told you something because she was excited and proud of herself, they sound like they're best ignored anyway.

FredFredGeorge · 14/06/2012 15:44

accountantsrule So "gifted and talented" doesn't mean they're either gifted or talented, or indeed anything other than they're better than the average for the school, which if it's reading and the school has lots of ESL students and the child isn't then it really really means f'all. What an absolute waste of the schools time, why do schools pander to the competitive parents with such garbage letters? And why label children with inappropriate labels at all?

accountantsrule · 14/06/2012 16:30

FredFredGeorge - thats pretty much it! Thats not to say there are truly gifted or talented children amongst the children who are laelled G&T but it is really for helping the teachers differenciate during that school year for the minority of children who need stretching more than the rest of the class.

I agree it is ridiculous, that is not jealousy as DS is very advanced at school and is considered G&T but for the reason that there is no need to label them as they will usually be in ability based work groups anyway and also teachers should be more than capable of stretching children without having to have a G&T programme.

I think I was a bit defensive for the OP as I know its not nice coming on MN and discussing their problem or issue and people basically saying thats not really that gifted etc.

The OPs DD will be above the average at the school hence the G&T label but like others have said that may be average in other schools. Also on MN your 6 year old DS could be taking GCSE Maths this year but someone elses will be taking A level Maths so there is always someone more gifted!!!

FredFredGeorge · 14/06/2012 16:51

accountantsrule I wasn't trying to belittle the OP, and dividing kids up into groups appropriate to their current ability makes sense, but you don't need a letter home saying they're in the top 10% any more than you need a letter home saying they're in the middle 25% except when we're doing craft lessons when littleffg is too much of a liability with scissors that she's locked in the cloakroom for her own protection.

There's just no reason to tell the parents seperately to the general school report, or if asked, sending letters seems deeply odd, especially if it only goes to a minority and could be setting up those for a later fall. I'm glad my school never had such a program - or maybe they did, I just never got a letter :(

accountantsrule · 14/06/2012 16:58

Most schools don't tell parents at all which is so much better IMO!

I do agree with you and I was being a bit defensive as its a touchy subject for me - sorry!!!

LeQueen · 14/06/2012 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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