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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly fed up with this behaviour?

52 replies

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 11:55

My DS is 13 (Yr 9). Since the start of the year he has failed to go to school on at least 5, possibly as many as 10 occasions. The latest is today. He has a detention (because he forgot/couldn't be bothered to do) a piece of homework, and I expect he hasn't gone in to get out of it, his previous absences have been for the same reason - or because he hasn't done a piece of homework so has stayed at home to finish it. Or just because school is boring, he felt a bit tired and didn't feel like going in. When he does go in he is usually late even though the school is at most a 10 minute walk (closer to 5) from our house.

His school is v poor academically and their unauthorised absence rate is massive, so although I get a call to say he's not there, they don't do anything more, as far as they're concerned it's just one less pupil to manage.

I am at the end of my tether. I can take away his Xbox or phone, but it makes no difference, he'll stop for a couple of weeks then just do it again and again, he always does. I've tried to explain the importance of school attendance time & again but he says most of the time he learns very little so what's the point? At the rate he is going I can see him ending up with crap GCSEs and losing any chance of university or a decent job.

OP posts:

PullUpAPew · 13/06/2012 11:59

Can you move him school if this one is so poor?

I would be tempted to strip it right back to basics and make him earn privileges by completing a full week at school.

Attending school is non-negotiable really, at least you need to make it look that way. (although I feel v hypocritical typing this as I was prone to skipping school - but totally expected to get massive bollocking whenever was caught out)

PullUpAPew · 13/06/2012 12:00

Also, I didn't skip school til a couple of years older than this, he is very young for routinely not attending so you need to clamp down now.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/06/2012 12:01

YANBU - it must be so frustrating!!

The only positive thing I can say is my brother was like this when he was that age, always bunking off school, got diddly squat in his exams......however, he is now a really responsible man with a good job and it hasnt held him back at all. I also have a friend who was much the same and she has done really well for herself too.

Its such a shame that at the age they need to do well at school their hormones go bonkers! My DS is only 9 but believe me, I am dreading the secondary school/teenage years already.

BestestBrownies · 13/06/2012 12:04

Talk to him in a calm, adult fashion and ask why he does it. You can't solve the problem unless you know the root cause. Don't make assumptions based on your own ideas about the school. He might be being bullied.

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 12:04

Moving schools is not an option - we live in a selective area, and he missed selection by the narrowest possible margin. All the non-selective schools are as crap as the one he currently attends, so it would be frying pan to fire. Plus they are even further away so less chance of him getting there on time.

OP posts:

PullUpAPew · 13/06/2012 12:06

You have a very negative attitude to the schools. Have you visited them all?

BupcakesandCunting · 13/06/2012 12:08

Why are you not making him go to school? He is 13. You are in charge, not him. Remove all priviledges until he can be arsed going to school before his mother gets fined by the LEA!

manicbmc · 13/06/2012 12:10

Remove xbox, phone and internet. Then he'll have to go to keep in contact with his mates. Only allow these things at the weekend as a reward until he sorts out his attitude.

If you are able offer to walk him to school everyday - should have enough of an embarrassment factor.

ratspeaker · 13/06/2012 12:12

Talk to him, try not to nag- I know this is very difficult.

My daughter was doing something similar, turned out she was being badly bullied.

We did talk to the school but in the end I started phoning around local schools to see if there was a place for her to get her out.
Her attendance improved when she moved.

We now see another contributing factor to her lack of enthusiasm for school was dyslexia, we all totally missed it as she read a lot at home, always had a book on the go. It was one of her uni lecturers suggested she be tested, she now gets extra help ie dictaphone and laptop software to help her write essays.

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 12:13

they might not be any better in terms of acheivement, but they might be better suited to him? does he have a special interest?

Are you sure sure he isnt being bullied? or finding a particular subject or teacher difficult?

Have you gone and spoken to his teachers for their perspective?

If you are sure he is oK, just not attendig; I would embarrass him into attending; threaten to walk with him to school if he doesnt go of his own accord, on time?

ladyinthelibrary · 13/06/2012 12:13

No help as such, but sympathy, as I had similar problems with DD1 at 14. Unfortunately when a child is in that mindset it is very difficult to find either a carrot or a stick which will make them go. My daughter actually believed I was getting fined by the LA - I wrote cheques, and showed them to her - and it still made not one jot of difference. Bupcakes, how DO you get them to get up, showered, dressed when they're as tall as you, weigh almost as much as you, and do NOT want to do it. Not being antagonistic, but nothing worked for me to change her mindset.

NotGeoffVader · 13/06/2012 12:13

A friend of mine has had similar issues with her daughter (of a similar age). She just won't go to school. Or if she goes, won't stay.
Taking her back is not an option as the friend has other young children at other schools/nursery etc. ergo pick up/drop off time is limited.

At the moment they are doing home-schooling. Not sure how this is working out. Seems the main reason for truanting is that school is boring. Friend's child is very bright with the attention span of a gnat.

betterwhenthesunshines · 13/06/2012 12:14

It is a privelege to be a ble to go to school himself. If he is not going to honour his obligations, like the grown-up child he thinks he is, then you may have to revert to treating him like an 8 yr old? Give him the choice - either he is rensponsible enough to manage his own time and get to school on time, or you will have to walk with him... holding his hand to cross the road too :o.

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 12:14

I believe Social Workers can/will come and take kids to school (spose it depends on their work load in your area)?

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 12:15

I can't walk him to school unfortunately as I have to leave at 7.30am to get to work.

I will of course be removing his phone and Xbox. Problem is as soon as I do he will behave perfectly for a few weeks, I'll give it back and within another week or so we'll be back to square one again.

I will ask him to explain his reasons - last time I asked him it was the same detention reason. The time before it was because he 'couldn't be bothered'.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 13/06/2012 12:15

If there are no underlying reasons for low attendance, e.g. bullying, would it work if you took away his xbox and phone during the week, and give them back for the weekend if he completes a full week at school?

Do you know why he isn't he doing his homework on time? Is he distracted by FB etc? If so, could he do homework in a communal area?

I really feel for you; it must be so frustrating to see his potential being wasted my parents felt the same way about me.

betterwhenthesunshines · 13/06/2012 12:16

OK, more seriously. What does he do when he's not going in to school?

I would also go with the asking questions approach.

sugarice · 13/06/2012 12:18

Are you having to leave for work before he is supposed to leave for school?. In your first paragraph you say he stayed at home to finish some homework then that he felt too tired to go in on another day which suggest you're not there to frogmarch him to school.

sugarice · 13/06/2012 12:18

x posted sorry

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 12:19

'cant be bothered' sounds to me like deeper reasons...?

If I were you I would take time off work or rearrange working hours in order to sort this out (take a week off to walk him...he doesnt need to know its only for a week...tell him, you will do it for as long as it takes...tell him, if you have to you will give up work...)

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 12:20

I will of course be removing his phone and Xbox. Problem is as soon as I do he will behave perfectly for a few weeks, I'll give it back and within another week or so we'll be back to square one again

well, you take it off him again...and again...and again....as long as it keeps working (if it doesnt provoke an improvement, then it becomes harder)

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 12:21

I don't believe he is being bullied. He is a very popular boy with lots of friends. Unfortunately quite a few of them also regularly don't go to school.

He doesn't do homework because he's lazy. If I ask he says he stays at school to complete it (school library is open at lunch/after school for pupils to complete h/w). I don't get in til long after school finishes so I never know if that's true. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isnt - I only find out the latter when inevitably he gets a homework default/detention.

OP posts:

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 12:22

would he be upset by moving school, away from his friends?

could you use it as a threat?

Have you good relationship with school? could you work together to make sure he is staying behind to do homework, if he says that is what he is doing?

Cockwomble · 13/06/2012 12:24

Can you check his homework every night?

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 12:24

is he after your attention?

take time out of work...take him to school and collect him from school.

Show him that school is important, and you will do whatever you have to to make sure he attends

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