Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be utterly fed up with this behaviour?

52 replies

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 11:55

My DS is 13 (Yr 9). Since the start of the year he has failed to go to school on at least 5, possibly as many as 10 occasions. The latest is today. He has a detention (because he forgot/couldn't be bothered to do) a piece of homework, and I expect he hasn't gone in to get out of it, his previous absences have been for the same reason - or because he hasn't done a piece of homework so has stayed at home to finish it. Or just because school is boring, he felt a bit tired and didn't feel like going in. When he does go in he is usually late even though the school is at most a 10 minute walk (closer to 5) from our house.

His school is v poor academically and their unauthorised absence rate is massive, so although I get a call to say he's not there, they don't do anything more, as far as they're concerned it's just one less pupil to manage.

I am at the end of my tether. I can take away his Xbox or phone, but it makes no difference, he'll stop for a couple of weeks then just do it again and again, he always does. I've tried to explain the importance of school attendance time & again but he says most of the time he learns very little so what's the point? At the rate he is going I can see him ending up with crap GCSEs and losing any chance of university or a decent job.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 13/06/2012 12:31

"Why are you not making him go to school? He is 13. You are in charge, not him."

The reality is that that's not true, and he knows it.

You can pull the "I'm in charge" thing with a 4 year old, but you are not "in charge" of teenagers, so you need a more sophisticated approach.

You can put whatever punishments you want in place, but unless you convince him that he needs to be at school, you are wasting your time.

OneHandFlapping · 13/06/2012 12:37

Other things that you can threaten to remove:

All pocket money
Lifts
Payment for any out of school activities he does
Access to TV
Access to own room for napping in school hours
Fashionable clothes
Door from room

You have the power to make his life a living hell if he doesn't go to school. I'm not saying you should do all the above, but he should know you could, and that school is actually the leser of two evils.

CurrySpice · 13/06/2012 12:43

Rather than punishing him for not going, can you reward him for going?

DeWe · 13/06/2012 12:46

Friend's brother used to say he couldn't be bothered to go. One day his dm phoned the truant officer who came round to his house, walked up to his bedroom and told him he had 5 minutes to get dressed before he walked him to school in pjs. Unauthodox, probably not the advised method, but it worked. He hardly skipped again after the embarrassment of the threat and then being walked in by him.

NewMummy48 · 13/06/2012 12:53

I can talk from my experience if that helps?

I hated school, I was bullied and felt so out of place in my school that i ended up skipping classes etc. I mean i was seriously bullied.

My Mum eventually noticed (After me hiding various letters to say that i wasnt attending) That i wasnt turning up and just sat in the park with a friend until the afternoon bus could take me home, She sat down with me, Didnt punish me but told me how important it was etc, But she made me tell her all of my concerns about school and done it in a way that i could trust her about it (Trust me the last thing you want is a parent stomping in your school to have a go at the people who are causing the problem) and this made me tell her everything. In the end she adviced me to ask to change classes and if they had a problem about it for them to ring her. To make a long story short i got moved into a different class, met my very good friends and started to enjoy school! I done well in my exams aswell.

Im not going to say take this off of him or this because personally i dont think that it works because everytime my mum took my phone off of me i ended up getting it back because when i went out she would worry if i didnt have it so we were just going round in circles.

Honesly; there is a reason why he doesnt like school that much, either sit him down just you two and have a long needed conversation and then advise or take him out somewhere he likes to go and get him to tell you while you both have some time together.

This is what helped me and i hope it gets better for both of you!

BumpingFuglies · 13/06/2012 12:54

OP, you have my sympathies, I have this with DS. It doesn't seem to matter what you remove/threaten/incentivise with, it can be physically impossible to get them to school sometimes.

Best advice would be to arrange a meeting with the school and ask what they intend to do about his absence and homework problems. They may have a system for dealing with this and you could work together on it. Obviously you need to talk to your son as well, but you seem to have exhausted a lot of avenues already.

So hard, I know

MsVestibule · 13/06/2012 12:55

DeWe - I'm sure that's wrong, but a great approach in my book!!! .

BupcakesandCunting · 13/06/2012 12:55

You need to talk to his teachers. Homework sounds a problem so why don't you and his teachers come up with a homework diary system where each of his teachers giving him homework enters into a book what needs to be completed and by when, you check and sign when it is done. My brother's school had to do this for him as he was like your DS is now. It worked.

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 12:56

Changing my working hours to take him to school isn't possible - I would be 1.5 hours late for work every day which my employers wouldn't allow, even temporarily.

He doesn't get pocket money, or money for chores so nothing to stop there. and as I don't drive he never gets lifts anywhere! His TV doesn't work without the Xbox so when I take that he won't have either.

I could try rewarding him for going to school, it might work but seems wrong somehow...

OP posts:

AdventuresWithVoles · 13/06/2012 12:57

Don't schools/LEA have special truancy officers, or can't the police pick him up if he's truant? They do in other countries!!

If he doesn't go to school he doesn't see his mates, does he? And if he's grounded & phone is confiscated, what's he gonna do with his time instead? What IS he doing during his truant hours, OP?

I would have thought take phone off him at bedtime every night & he doesn't get it back until you're home from work. He's a popular boy who wants to keep his social life? He can't have it without going to school to see his mates & having the phone otherwise.

Make sure he's unable to log on to any computers at home to access Facebook, too. Let the staff in nearest public library (free computer access!) know that if they see him there during school hours he's truant & they are free to contact you or truancy officer.

I would prioritise 1) of these for now, with eye towards tackling others later:

get him to school daily even if often a bit late
homework, even if not done well, but still mostly done; install an incentive scheme if you have to (extra pocket money?); could you get direct contact info for any of his teachers? I am in email contact with DS's language teacher for this very reason.
Get him to school on time

Does he have a form tutor? What do they say?

BupcakesandCunting · 13/06/2012 12:58

It IS wrong to reward him for doing something that is compulsory! I wouldn't go down that avenue if I were you or else he'll probably start acting up in other areas until you start bribing him to stop.

AdventuresWithVoles · 13/06/2012 13:00

When he's truant, does he hang with the other boys who tend to go truant? Sounds like a heads up situation for the truancy officer, the boys have to be hanging out together somewhere predictable.

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 13:00

I can contact the school (worth a try) but I don't expect they will be that interested - previous requests for more challenging work (back in the days when DS did his homework and said it was boring) fell on deaf ears. DS is top of the top set in his school even without doing homework so as far as the school are concerned he's doing well.

OP posts:

AdventuresWithVoles · 13/06/2012 13:02

At least you could tell yourself you tried everything.

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 13:04

He won't be hanging out anywhere, right now I expect he will be at home on the Xbox or watching TV. He won't be out with his friends -although if any of them have also not gone to school he may well be playing online with them.

If I take his Xbox away he will go to school for a few weeks, it's only once he gets it back he will slip back and not go to school again.

Long term once he gets it back I think I will have to very strictly limit his Xbox time, possibly just to weekends.

OP posts:

BumpingFuglies · 13/06/2012 13:06

OP, you need to INSIST on a meeting. Find out more about the whole situation.

I don't think rewarding him for going to school is wrong - if it works, why discount it on principle?

BupcakesandCunting · 13/06/2012 13:07

Well the school can't think he's doing that well if they're giving him detentions for no homeowrk.

QOD · 13/06/2012 13:09

Does sound like an attention thing, is anyone else at home that can help?

He needs pushing in the morning and someone there to make him do something after school.

If you can't be there could you ring him?

BumpingFuglies · 13/06/2012 13:10

Can you set your internet so he only has access at certain times? Should be possible through your hub. Also useful for bedtimes.

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 13:13

hatesponge Im afraid you dont sound all that committed to getting your son to go to school....I cant pinpoint what exactly, but you sound resigned to it and quite negative about what people have suggested.

I would have thought a meeting with the school, would be something you would have done already??

AdventuresWithVoles · 13/06/2012 13:13

Take the TV remote to work with you too, you'd be amazed how difficult your son finds operating manual controls!

What reward/punishment scheme you come up with depends on what other DC you have to manage, too. You're constrained to having to be consistent when other DC come into it. If I were OP and if her DS were my only DC I wouldn't be adverse to a reward scheme to deal with some of the issues; it's when you have other DC that you don't want to get into the trap of having to reward them too.

bejeezusWC · 13/06/2012 13:14

also...why has he even got his xbox and internet access, if you suspect he hasnt gone to school but is at home gaming?????

BupcakesandCunting · 13/06/2012 13:17

Bejeezus has it, I'm afraid.

AdventuresWithVoles · 13/06/2012 13:18

I have every sympathy for HatSponge, DS was a school refuser at 10yo (bullied) & it's very difficult if she needs a job (jobs not easy to come by nowadays, anyway) & she needs him to be responsible & what's worse the school isn't doing much to address it all.

I would write a list, HatSponge. Consider this thread a brainstorming session & sort the suggestions according to what you think looks easiest/most effective. You won't solve this quickly, but you'll live yourself better if you know you've worked thru options as best you could.

Original poster

hatesponge · 13/06/2012 13:18

I will ask for a meeting with his tutor, and see what she can suggest. I do get the impression they don't view his issues as that serious (compared to other more challenging pupils) - last parent's evening comments were along the lines of he's doing very well, top of the class etc even though he doesn't do his homework, he could work harder but lacks motivation, and so on.

I'm a single parent. There isn't really anyone else who can help. He has never had any contact with his real father, and my Ex (who I met when DS was a baby and who he calls Dad) is pretty useless, plus he works longer hours than me so I won't get any help from him.

I wake him up every morning before I leave and also ring him at 8.15, and he tells me he is leaving for school, it's just sometimes that isn't true.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3