Not to want to leave my dds in a crèche for a 3yo's b'day party?

[1stMrsF]

A good friend's DD is having a 3rd birthday in the crèche at their golf/health club. The club say parent's should just drop off their children and go and relax in the bar (and presumably spend money in the club) my friend says they don't want parents there as the more parents there are the less the children listen to what they'd say.

I have never left my 3yo DTDs in a crèche or with anyone but family and I'm not about to start now. I told her they probably wouldn't want to stay without me and she said I could stay with them but I don't really want to be the sole neurotic mother who stays.

At my own DDs' party we had parents there and I just think that for a 3rd birthday, it's a bit weird to plan something where parents are not welcome and expect children of that age to be ok with it. I can appreciate that some kids will be find and also that pretty soon in a few years I will probably be grateful to drop them off and run for the hills but surely not yet?

What do you think - is it me? AIBU?

If you are going to be in the same building I'm sure she will be fine.

At 3yo mine were at prep school

YABU and dreadfully PFB.

YANBU. The other mother shouldn't make you feel bad about your parenting choices, but make sure you don't judge her either- Just say you'd rather stay and leave it at that.

yes you are being unreasonable...

your children are old enough to be able to socialise without you constantly being there to hover over them...

I don't think it is too young but my DS would not have stayed without me at that age. DD who is 23m would happily stay without me now!

can't you stay until she settles and then go to the bar?

Well, if you don't want to leave her, don't. She'll have not a clue she was invited to a party anyway and you'll have peace of mind. And won't spend money in the bar.

I remember starting school at the age of 4.. there were a few kids who had never spent a waking moment away from a parent... boy did they scream the place down all day long.. to the point that the rest of the kids couldnt actually get on with anything and neither could the teacher.

There is nothing to be gained by having a clingy child and 3 years old is plenty old enough to know that you will be back and havent abandoned them.

I've put my 9mo son in a crèche so that I can exercise. So yes, if I can do it now then you can certainly do it with a 3yo.

YABU

Not because you're not comfortable leaving them or because you feel they might not be comfortable being left....but because she's told you that you can stay and yet you're till not happy

I wouldn't have left my eldest at that age until I was absolutely sure he was fine and then I'd make sure he knew were I was if he needed me...so I can understand your discomfort being as though they're your PFBs.

But you've got nothing to be unhappy about here....either stay or don't stay.

You're not being unreasonable. My dd would have struggled with this at that age, and so would my ds. No pfb about it, all kids are different and gain that confidence and independence at different rates. I'd go in with your dc and see if they will settle by themselves, but if they don't then just stay with them. After all they want to enjoy the party, not feel anxious and stressed because their mums not there.

Jumping I suspect you are right but they are my PFB!! They do go to preschool but they've only been there a term so they are just not used to staying anywhere new.

FfoFfy good point. I am worrying about being the only one who feels this way but of course you are right, it's just a different parenting choice not a right or wrong one.

yabu, they'll have fun without you, it's the hovering types (like you) that are probably the reason why they have to ban parents in the first place. Leave them be and enjoy the bar, you can't be permanently attached to your kids, that is your dependency, not theirs.

It sounds to me like the perfect convenient opportunity to leave them and see how they get on.

Your children will be with experienced and qualified people, you will be a couple of minutes away, it's free, there will be other children they recognise, and as its a party it's going to be extra exciting for them.

You are over thinking it. Just buy a present, go to the party, if your dds are happy to be left with the others then go get a coffee, and if they are not it will be obvious to everyone that you need to stay so you stay. No explaining will be needed. Easy.

I can't see the problem really. She said you can stay if you want to. And if you're not comfortable leaving them then don't. I'd have been quite happy to have a quiet drink while my children were enjoying a party. But everybody's different. And you do know the person well you say. If it was a complete stranger then it would be different.

Your child, your decision. I wouldn't leave my three year old at a party without me tbh. I think it's very young to
Leave them particularly when there is party food etc. I still like to keep an eye on my little girl and look after her and help her with things like getting onto chairs etc, joining in party games etc.

Your Child your choice.
If you don't think your child will do well, then don't do it. My boys were plastered to my side till school age and grew into perfectly normal independent happy healthy men, oldest went off to Uni with and smile and the second one will be moving away in a couple week at age 18.
Just cause they turn 3 and still want to be near you doesn't mean you are doing a bad job and harming your child. You have more knowledge of what is right for your child than anyone on here.

YABU. As a fellow mother of DTDs, I am surprised that A) you're not pleased with the thought of a bit of relaxing "me" time and also that you feel that you're leaving them "on their own". When mine were that age (they're nearly 6 now) I used to feel really glad that I had twins as they were never really "alone" - they always had each other.

Leave them at the party and sit with a coffee and a good book- the staff/ birthday parents will know exactly where you are if they need you, and it will probably turn out to be good for all three of you.

Oops, I did an A) and forgot to put the B) for my second point.

You are not being unreasonable. I don't think I would have felt comfortable leaving my children on their own, especially if they/or I were not familliar with the creche.

When we have birthday parties for the DCs we always invite the parents too as it makes for a nice family atmosphere and I know that there are lots of parents/children who don't want to be separated. Don't be forced into leaving them if you don't want to.

I think its a bit sad that this lady has organised a party for her 3 year old that she won't be attending and chooses to go to the bar instead!

I understand the point about clingy children who wont stay at school but I think they've got plenty of time to avoid through their pre-school, which they like, rather that at a crèche they've never seen.

Thanks for the comments, it's helped me see other POV, which I always find hard in parenting terms. I take the point particularly about still not being happy even though I can stay with them, but I think deep down I would rather take football's suggestion and just not go at all and that's why I am struggling with a stay/don't stay scenario.

maples - I do still think it's a weird party idea!

Don't decide now - just play it by ear. See how your DD is on the day - see whether she's clingy or trots off happily without a backward glance. If you're in the building and can get there quickly if she needs you I can't see the problem - and bear in mind that this sort of thing will make coping with playgroups/nurseries etc much easier for you and her.

YANBU. My son is five, has been in childcare since he was 8 months old, is now in reception and is very happy and sociable. But he still gets nervous at parties and often doesn't want me to leave him. I think 3 is v small to be left in a strange place. And I'm generally quite a neglectful parent...!