Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Not to want to leave my dds in a crèche for a 3yo's b'day party?

73 replies

1stMrsF · 12/06/2012 21:12

A good friend's DD is having a 3rd birthday in the crèche at their golf/health club. The club say parent's should just drop off their children and go and relax in the bar (and presumably spend money in the club) my friend says they don't want parents there as the more parents there are the less the children listen to what they'd say.

I have never left my 3yo DTDs in a crèche or with anyone but family and I'm not about to start now. I told her they probably wouldn't want to stay without me and she said I could stay with them but I don't really want to be the sole neurotic mother who stays.

At my own DDs' party we had parents there and I just think that for a 3rd birthday, it's a bit weird to plan something where parents are not welcome and expect children of that age to be ok with it. I can appreciate that some kids will be find and also that pretty soon in a few years I will probably be grateful to drop them off and run for the hills but surely not yet?

What do you think - is it me? AIBU?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 13/06/2012 06:56

I am going against the grain here and say that YANBU. Your dd is still a toddler and is very young, not a schoolchild. My dd when she was 3 went to a few parties, and many parents stayed at that age, it's only once they started school that pare ts left their child. I wouldn't leave my 5 year old dd at a party but she does have SN and would have a meltdown without me . I long to leave her at parties like the other parents

Bonsoir · 13/06/2012 06:56

I think it is very unpleasant indeed to host a 3 year old's birthday party in a crèche and expect other parents to leave their DCs there. 3 year old birthday parties should be at home and parents should be offered champagne tea and sushi biscuits in the next room and expect to join in the fun with the children at regular intervals and whenever their child needs them.

pigletmania · 13/06/2012 06:58

The host said you can go along so go.

diddl · 13/06/2012 07:03

Give it a try-especially as you already leave them, and you can get to them quickly.

Original poster

1stMrsF · 13/06/2012 07:36

Wow, what a lot of responses - must have used the right kind of inflammatory language for this topic

Thanks for all your comments. It seems to me that the most sensible suggestions are to trust my instincts and those are not to leave them; even though I will be 'in the building' I don't think that's close enough at this stage.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 13/06/2012 07:40

Well you would think that the only sensible responses are the ones that agree with you

Original poster

1stMrsF · 13/06/2012 07:42

Tis true of course!

OP posts:

PerimenopausalMyArse · 13/06/2012 08:56

You'd like my kids' birthday parties Bonsoir

cornishsue · 13/06/2012 09:07

Only you know your child, and therefore only you will know what seems right to do. Perhaps you will not really be able to decide until you are there and see how the children react.

However, I have to say it would never have occured to me to stay. I did have sons with special needs who therefore needed a lot more help than their peers, but even so I was anxious that, wherever possible, they could have the opportunity and independent experiences of other children.

I do remember at my own DD's 3rd birthday party one mother did expect to stay and knowing her daughter I was a little surprised, though of course understood and tried to make her feel welcome. I also remember however that while all the other children were happy and playing together, having fun, the presence of her mother seemed to restrict the little girl somewhat. While for instance the others were eating the birthday tea independently, the little girl (who was also more than capable of doing the same) had her mother next to her, 'helping' her and deciding what she could or could not eat, sitting beside her during the magician's show. I became aware that the mother stayed for her own sake, rather than that of her daughter, and in doing so actually made it more difficult for her to interact and have fun with the other children. Having said all that it was still the mother's right to do what she felt best.

So stay if that feels right, and I am sure, unlike the mum of my daughter's friend, you will just be a comforting presence in the background rather than being there to restrict your children's fun. I hope it goes well.

pigletmania · 13/06/2012 09:17

As dd has Sn I would not want to put that extra pressure on the party mum. It depends on the SN, my dd has possible ASD so leaving her in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar people would b disaster

leddeeburdee · 13/06/2012 09:24

YANBU. At 3 years old neither DS or DD would have been happy for me to leave them at a party. Just because you stay in the room doesn't mean that you'll be hovering over them the whole time, but if you'd prefer to be on hand and they'd prefer you to be there, then why not?

lilbreeze · 13/06/2012 09:37

yabu. sounds like a complete non-issue to me - some parents (including me) would be happy to leave their 3yo, some wouldn't. The host has said you can stay so where's the problem?

And it's not a creche it's a children's party. Not really the same thing. In your op you stress the fact that you've never left your dtds in a creche but later on say they go to pre-school so clearly the do spend some time apart from you.

Take your dds to the party and either stay with them or don't - play it by ear based on what you and they are happy with - but don't miss the party completely because of this. Yanbu to want to stay with them but the party organisers are not being unreasonable either.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/06/2012 09:43

Yabu. It is a birthday party. Not a labour camp. And you will be in the same building, right outside!

lilbreeze · 13/06/2012 09:45

sorry I've realised it actually is a creche. However it's a birthday party held in a creche which is rather different (to me) than just leaving them in a creche normally. Do your dtds know any of the other children invited?

2rebecca · 13/06/2012 09:48

My kids were in playgroup aged 3 for a couple of hours so i don't see the big deal. You'll be in the same building, I presume the child knows some of the other kids or wouldn't have been invited. If that's not what you want to spend your time doing then don't go but I don't see this as a big deal especially as you've been told you can stay.
Go or don't go, stay or don't stay.

pigletmania · 13/06/2012 09:52

Only you know your kids and jphow they will react, and if they are usually fine leave, if not stay, you have that option. I would play it by ear on the day, give the party mum your telephone number. You will be in the building if an emergency arises

adeucalione · 13/06/2012 09:59

I think the host planned it so that parents could have some lovely child-free time whilst being near enough to swing into action if their child needed them - she would be mortified to think that someone felt she was being in any way thoughtless or inconsiderate I am sure.

Laquitar · 13/06/2012 10:04

It doesn't have to be a black and white decision as you will be near. If your dd is very upset they will call you.

You can go and have a look after half hour, i imagine you will see her having fun and you ll go back to the bar.

p.s. if she knows you are nervous then she might be too. Play it cool.

mumeeee · 13/06/2012 10:08

YABU. You will be in the same building so not far away if they need to get you. Also you have been told you can stay if you want to. I would just go and play it by ear.

squeakytoy · 13/06/2012 10:14

Why not ask them if they want to go? As they are twins, they will be with each other so not feel totally alone anyway.

ScroobiousPip · 13/06/2012 10:23

I think it depends on the child, just as it does for adults. Extroverted children will handle this no problem, just as extroverted adults would. But introverted children will find this type of party just as hard as an introverted adult finds a drinks party full of strangers.

If your DTDs are happy, go, and stay with them until they are settled and don't need you. But if they won't enjoy it without you, don't bother - there's plenty more character-building stuff to come than a single kids party.

porcamiseria · 13/06/2012 13:31

meh, yanbu

depends in the kid, some go into FT childcare very young, some have never been away from mummy

just dont stress and do what you feel comfy with

FootballFriendSays · 13/06/2012 21:17

Bonsoir - so that's your diktat on birthday parties for 3 year olds? Funny, coz I thought they could be done anywhere where the kids might enjoy themselves. Mine have been to farms, soft play, home, health club crèche, church hall etc. I thought its for the kids rather than to impress the parents.

Flip

1 2 3