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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to leave my dds in a crèche for a 3yo's b'day party?

73 replies

1stMrsF · 12/06/2012 21:12

A good friend's DD is having a 3rd birthday in the crèche at their golf/health club. The club say parent's should just drop off their children and go and relax in the bar (and presumably spend money in the club) my friend says they don't want parents there as the more parents there are the less the children listen to what they'd say.

I have never left my 3yo DTDs in a crèche or with anyone but family and I'm not about to start now. I told her they probably wouldn't want to stay without me and she said I could stay with them but I don't really want to be the sole neurotic mother who stays.

At my own DDs' party we had parents there and I just think that for a 3rd birthday, it's a bit weird to plan something where parents are not welcome and expect children of that age to be ok with it. I can appreciate that some kids will be find and also that pretty soon in a few years I will probably be grateful to drop them off and run for the hills but surely not yet?

What do you think - is it me? AIBU?

OP posts:

xMumof3x · 12/06/2012 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

igggi · 12/06/2012 21:40

They are 3 and you are talking about leaving them "in a few years" - so they'll be home educated I take it till at least 6? I wouldn't want to leave a 3 year old for long, but since you'll be in the building why not try? Might surprise you!

Original poster

1stMrsF · 12/06/2012 21:43

I meant rather that I wouldn't want to stay at parties with them. I do already leave them at pre-school and that's fine for all of us. I don't think this is the same.

OP posts:

wifeofdoom · 12/06/2012 21:45

I have a 3.5yr dd and I wouldn't leave her in a strange place - even though she has gone to nursery happily since 10 months. She would scream the place down and I wouldn't feel comfortable. Do what you think is right and don't worry about people thinking you are being precious - your dds are precious!!

Original poster

1stMrsF · 12/06/2012 21:46

mumof3 thanks for putting it so well. I don't 'hover' but they do still want some help with going to the loo and the other stuff that you mention.

OP posts:

clinkclink · 12/06/2012 21:46

Wow, of course YANBU. I'd just stay - and if I really thought that wasn't going to be acceptable I'd make my excuses and not take my dc. My dc were in nursery from 1 year but that was a nursery I knew well. I wouldn't have left them in a crèche. But nor did I judge friends who did.

I think it is odd to insist parents leave, or to make them feel uncomfortable for staying with a three year old.

WorraLiberty · 12/06/2012 21:51

The other parents won't think you're a neurotic mother

They'll all jump on you and ask if you can keep an eye on their kids too

My eldest was so difficult to leave (my fault for hovering too much) and all the other Mums used to expect me to keep an eye on their kids too while they buggered off home Lol.

squeakytoy · 12/06/2012 21:51

I understand the point about clingy children who wont stay at school but I think they've got plenty of time to avoid through their pre-school, which they like, rather that at a crèche they've never seen

If there are other children there who they know, they are 3, they are not going to be looking at the decor, they will be interested in playing!!

Xmasbaby11 · 12/06/2012 21:54

IMO I would want my 3yo to be able to be without me for a few hours, so I can't see your problem. However, this is a personal decision and you need to be happy with it. Hope you find a way that works for you and the little one.

Beamur · 12/06/2012 22:00

I wouldn't have left my DD aged 3 somewhere unfamiliar - I doubt she would have liked it, she's 5 now and still a bit lukewarm about parties. Some children and parents would be quite happy and relaxed (as this thread shows) and others not.

GrahamTribe · 12/06/2012 22:04

I'm in agreement with squeaky. Sure, it's a parenting choice and you must do as you feel is right but imho you're being a little over-protective. It's a creche, not a rave, your child will be fine and you'll be in the same building.

Rivergirly · 12/06/2012 22:12

My two ds' have both been at nursery since they were 9 and 11 months old respectively but I wouldnt be happy leaving them at a creche that doesnt know them at all and I have only recently started leaving my eldest son at parties now he is 6 years old and not being too shy to ask for things that he needs - ie toilet or a drink etc! I also know that my eldest would not have been happy for me to leave him before now - he is the lesser confident of the two and it takes him a little while to feel confident enough to go and join in.

I think in these scenarios you do have to go with your gut feeling. I have previously declined parties for my youngest ds when I have been asked to leave him at the age of 3 and 4 because I still felt that it was not appropriate - plus he may have just left them a nice surprise somewhere (the child that would not potty train!!!) lol.

usualsuspect · 12/06/2012 22:15

I would have just played it by ear, If they were ok staying alone with adequate supervision I would have legged it to the bar left them

TheHappyHissy · 12/06/2012 22:17

Utter bollocks! I don't know one parent that would leave a 3yo at a party!

4yo? Some. 5yo, always, but 3yo? NO.

Not PFB at all, I'm the least PFB, but no way I'd have left my DS at 3, and he's a hulking great almost 7 yo full of confidence, full of life.

OK so the parent will be in the building, so not leaving them per se, but in general house/hall party situations, never.

OP, do what suits you and your DC

Zipitydooda · 12/06/2012 22:19

YANBU 3 is still very young and I would expect 3 yr olds to be anxious being left with a stranger at that age.
It's very different if they are at a party with all their nursery friends but I assume that is not the case.
I still stay with my 4 yr old at some parties, sometimes its nice to see what they get up to and join innthe fun anyway.
and for my son's 7th party with only 12 children in my own home, one mum stayed as she said her DD couldn't cope with being without her, that was a bit odd but even at his 6th at home, 3 mums stayed when the children did all know each other well as they are at school together.
You know them best, see how settled they are and you may be able to pop out for a bit for a drink.

BertieBotts · 12/06/2012 22:20

DS 3.8 absolutely wouldn't cope being left alone at a party, he hates parties and clings to my legs throughout the whole thing (I find it quite stressful myself TBH!)

However he absolutely loves nursery (preschool), his childminder, and various friends/family members where he happily goes off alone, has spent a couple of nights without me, will run off to the other side of the park with me watching from a distance, etc. I am not worried about him at all in the slightest. But I wouldn't leave him in this situation.

You know your child, you know what you're comfortable with. It is a totally different situation!

everythingtodo · 12/06/2012 22:20

I have a v confident just turned 4 ds and he likes me to stay at parties. Tried to leave him once and he just did not enjoy himself, got all anxious and i had to be called. He has more fun knowing that me, the crutch, is about!

BertieBotts · 12/06/2012 22:23

Would like to add that DS pushed me out of the door of nursery the other day, wouldn't even let me in to help hang his coat up, he was insistent on doing it alone.

A party is such a different situation. Lots of children they don't know, noise, hyped up kids, an unfamiliar environment and strange adults jostling them to join in with games etc - I think most 3yos would struggle with that.

Kewcumber · 12/06/2012 22:31

they aren't suggesting you "leave" them - just wait in another room. Presumably the bar they are suggesting isn't in another building and you do on occasion leave them in another room to you at some point or other.

Not going seems a bit extreme just go and see how they are. If you have to stay with them then its hardly the end of the world.

BTW when I started leaving DS for short periods about this time, I would say to him - I'm just going to the toilet be back in 5 mins then come back then make another excuse and stay away for longer periods each time. And make sure they know who to ask if they need the toilet who can come and get you.

PeaTarty · 12/06/2012 22:56

Gosh I'm surprised at the YABU posts. I've never been to a 3 year old party where children are left. (Sounds like one communal creche session which is a bit odd.)My daughter similarly pushes me away at pre-school but likes to know I'm there in the background in a strange environment. I'd happily sit at the edge/drink tea/ let her get on with it but I just can't imagine any 3 year old party where parents dont stay.

redwineformethanks · 12/06/2012 23:17

I'd think 3 is a bit young to be left, but the mother has said you can stay, so I don't see the problem

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 12/06/2012 23:22

YANBU and jumpingthroughhoops so were mine! It was a carefully vetted prep school though...vetted by ME and not someone else.

OP you are not BU. I am not sending my 4 year old to a party next week because I can't make it and I won't send her with another parent who I am not familiar with yet...it's your call.

Rindercella · 12/06/2012 23:27

YABU

You are hardly abandoning them and leaving the building, if you leave them you will be in a near by room having a coffee in peace & quiet.

Also, as Worra said, the host has said you're welcome to stay, so it's a bit of a non-problem really isn't it? You can go & have a coffee safe in the knowledge that you can quickly go to them if needed, or you can stay and make sure they're ok for yourself.

PerimenopausalMyArse · 13/06/2012 05:04

Maybe the venue is a deliberate choice so the host doesn't have to entertain/feed/water at least one parent per invited child (and inevitably there will be uninvited siblings too) as well as running a kids' party? She probably sees it as a win win situation - only the invited kids at the party, parents get a bit of me time.

Why not give it a go and see how your kids get on?

iMoniker · 13/06/2012 06:49

Kind of wondering what you expect will happen when you leave them on their own?

Will they cry and be upset?
Will you cry and be upset?
Are you worried they might eat or drink something unfamiliar?
Are you worried they might be left to run amok?

They will be in a controlled environment under the supervision of a famiy you know, playing with children they know.

Given the hosts have said you can go along, if need be, I can't see the issue. Go along, if you children settle well - head off and have a coffee/read a magazine. If they don't, stay with them.

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