To think my Mum is being a bit selfish?

[KoyKarp]

DH and I go out three times a year, for a meal on our anniversary and for birthday meals. My mum babysits for the couple of hours we are out as we don't have much money at the moment.

We have asked her to babysit for a couple of hours this week (not bothered which night) so we can go out for a meal, we have had a hard few months and both need a break and some time to unwind away from the house.

My mum has said no and I feel this is a bit selfish. She lives 10 mins away and we are always doping her favours, we cook her a roast dinner every week without fail (and just cooked for her friends two weeks in a row too) and DH is often called round to help her move things or run errands for her.

AIBU to expect her to help out for a couple of hours?

A weekly meal is more than most people would do for their dm/dmil - especially if they are not helping you out in any way. Not much give and take here.

So it is true, she wouldn't come round once a week unless she was fed

How bloody rude!
I feel so sorry for you Koy, it shouldn't be that way should it.
I would probably be saying no to her 'help' requests for a good while after that.

Yanbu. I too can't understand why an able gp isn't more inclined to help.

I wouldn't be cooking every week for her like that though. No wonder you feel you could use a break.

Err, Maras2 and accountantsrule we have no family nearby at all. My DPs are ancient and not really up to babysitting, and DH's mum can't leave the dog, so we have no option other than to pay someone. Occasionally some friends and I sit for each other midweek, but no-one wants to give up their weekend nights. OP, just pay someone , or try and do a swap with friends.

Well I´d feed my mum once a week for nothing in return.

I have realised how lovely my MIL is after this, really, she wouldn't be coming round to be fed once a week.
She has ds about once a week on average for tea, not overnight, but we are very grateful for that, we ask about 2/3 times a year for an overnight stay and she loves having him over, she would love to have him more but she works, she is great.

Diddl you are a true paragon!

It's not just dinner once a week though is it diddl, its other help she asks for, running errands, feeding her friends, plus knowing that she wouldn't go to see them once a week unless she was given dinner.

Its about give and take, as parents get older i don't doubt that a lot of us would not have a problem giving help whenever it is needed, but when you are still a healthy active parent and GP, then really you shouldn't be just taking all the time, it is rude and then you become a bit of a drain on your children, that behaviour isn't what keeps family relationships running smoothly.
As she is a fit healthy 60 yr who has been benifiting from paying for the cost of a large meal each week she can start to fund her own problems and hire a handy man, she should have a bus pass aswell, shouldn't cost her much to run her own errands either.

I feel sorry for you - it shouldn't be you making all the effort and her making none at all.

i think you just have to accept that your mum is not the kind of mum or gran that you would want her to be. With that in mind, stop chasing after her and doing lots of things for her. She might stop taking you for granted and start seeing that if she wants to take, then sometimes, she has to give.

Avon if you read the rest of the posts I did say I was sorry and explained what I meant by my comment.

lol at the 'you agree with me so therefore it's a great post and very wise'

No, there is a lot of other stuff.

It was in answer to this-"A weekly meal is more than most people would do for their dm/dmil "

Is it really?

And of course, I wouldn´t be happy if my mum only came for the meal & not to see us.

YANBU to ask, even have some expectations of her given what you have described of what you do for her but really - YABU to expect her to ditch a guest/visitor in order to babysit no matter how much she has moaned about said visitor.

Go out in a couple of weeks after the guest has left and she has had time to recharge.

And it's bloody hard to get a babysitter when you only go out three times a year unless you are happy leaving your DC's with randoms. I don't get MN on this - give and take is what families are all about.

You can't expect her to babysit, though it would be nice if she were willing to.

If she has company this week, it's unreasonable of you to expect that she would babysit.

SIBU to expect you to drop everything to help her out if she is not willing to reciprocate.

Pay a babysitter- but that may then mean that money is too tight to cook for other people.

Dont agree. I think it's the classic rights and responsibilities dichotomy. If she wants a) 'grandparents rights' and b)meals/ handyman help from your DH, it's not unreasonable to expect something in return. It is unreasonable if you expect her to do it at your convenience, or to cancel arrangements of course.

Also - posters who say 'hire someone': read the freaking OP - money is tight - don't be so crass or insensitive. Jeez.

If shes just 10mins away cant you take kids to hers and they stay the night on sofa or bunk down on lounge floor. I know mums and mils who prefer to do that and they can get on with their own hobbies and routines.

As a grandparent, I find it quite amazing that some people's mothers are not prepared to help out in this way - it's just part of family life. I have my grandson for the day once a week and we are always happy to have him or babysit at other times. My DH is enjoying spending time with him - time that he wasn't able to spend when our own children were small and he had a demanding job.

We lived a long way away from our families when we had the children (although in fact both of our mothers had previously died) and never had any baby sitters available. And we didn't have a lot of money so I was in a baby sitting circle and that's how we coped. It was almost unheard of to pay somebody to babysit our children in those days - we'd never have gone out at all if we had. And that's one reason why I like to help out our children; I know how difficult it is.

do you work NUFC69?

I am lucky to have a mum who is retired and wants to look after my son for one day a week while I work but I am very reluctant to ask her to baby-sit. I definitely wouldn't expect it and I wouldn't be offended if she was unable to baby sit or even if she didn't want to.

Duelingfanjo why are you reluctant to ask her to babysit? Surely if she wants to its fine and its not a problem if not as you don't expect it?

My mum has the DCs before and after school one day every week, I always ask them first if they want to babysit and they always say yes if they're free and have them overnight as it means they can do whatever they would normally do on a Fri/Sat night. If they can't/don't want to for whatever reason its never a problem.

Dueling how is that different to asking her to babysit? She minds your child once a week - the OPs mum clearly wouldn't be up for that!

DuelingFanjo - I was referring to this part of Declutterbug's post about her relationship with her mother as being wise... Not sure why that would make you laugh out loud -

Over the years I have come to accept that my mum won't help out in ways that I'd actually like her to, but only on her terms and even then regularly lets me down. It has taken me a long time to come to realise that the best way to preserve my sanity is to stop trying to rely on her at all or expect anything from our relationship. That said, we have a crap relationship and there are many issues, so partly this is about me accepting she has never been and can never be the mother I'd like her to be or the mother I'd like to be to my own children.

my mother never helps me either

KoyKarp -if that resonates for you try going and looking at the Stately Homes thread in relationships. I've not posted on it, but it has helped me.

People who have good healthy relationships with their mothers sometimes don't understand what it feels like to be in a different situation.

YANBU, even with her friend staying under the circumstances you have described (nothing to stop them both coming and having a take-away at your house etc). If you asked all the time then of course that wouldn't be acceptable.
However, there is no point continuing to ask her. She had made it clear she doesn't like it even when you ask so little. I wouldn't put yourself through this disappointment again and use a babysitter from now on.
DH and I don't particularly like having to immediately sort out all of the ILs tech problems, fetch them to and from the train station (as they don't like taxis), pop up and mend things but we would never let them know this unless it became a demand to far. Likewise, I am sure they don't always want to babysit (only ask 3-4 times a year and use a babysitter most of the time), have our dog when we are away etc but they always do unless they really can't. Just part of being a normal family helping each other out occasionally but not taking the piss.
Choosing to have the DC was also choosing to have grandchildren to me and I expect to do a reasonable amount of babysitting when the time comes just as much as I expected to get up and do the 3am feed with my own.