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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum is being a bit selfish?

90 replies

KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:06

DH and I go out three times a year, for a meal on our anniversary and for birthday meals. My mum babysits for the couple of hours we are out as we don't have much money at the moment.

We have asked her to babysit for a couple of hours this week (not bothered which night) so we can go out for a meal, we have had a hard few months and both need a break and some time to unwind away from the house.

My mum has said no and I feel this is a bit selfish. She lives 10 mins away and we are always doping her favours, we cook her a roast dinner every week without fail (and just cooked for her friends two weeks in a row too) and DH is often called round to help her move things or run errands for her.

AIBU to expect her to help out for a couple of hours?

OP posts:
accountantsrule · 11/06/2012 14:18

Do most people get a babysitter? I thought most people asked family to babysit, thats how it works with my family and friends, if its a night out with the family then we get a babysitter!

maras2 · 11/06/2012 14:19

How very odd.We babysit our DGS at least once a week,more if possible.His other DGP's the same.No one in our entire < huge > family has ever been stuck for a babysitter.Sorry that you're having this problem.Can't your mum bring her friend with her if you offer to make them supper?

Babylon1 · 11/06/2012 14:19

The fact that we are always on hand for her........

Quite simply, don't be Smile

You're not obliged to cook/do her DIY jobs for her, so don't.

AnyoneForTennis · 11/06/2012 14:19

No..... Family are not local to me

bogeyface · 11/06/2012 14:19

Errr Sand a friend that turned up out of the blue according to the mum and therefore should accept that you might have to work around other arrangements.

Original poster
KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:20

We really don't have much money at the moment, perhaps we could save money by not having her round for a meal every week then use it to pay for a babysitter Wink

OP posts:
MindTheElephant · 11/06/2012 14:20

Well when i do stuff for my parents i dont expect anything in return.

Just because she is now a grandparent doesn't automatically mean that she has to babysit because it is what she is expected to do. She has every right to say no if she chooses.

Pay for a sitter.

halcyondays · 11/06/2012 14:21

If your mum is fit and healthy and not too old and you have one or two manageable children then it is reasonable to ask. If you have loads of kids who will wreak havoc all night and your mum is elderly and not in great health then it isn't reasonable to ask.

TroublesomeEx · 11/06/2012 14:21

Yes, I think you should start saying "no" too.

It's true you can't 'expect' anything from her, but then she can't have expectations of you either.

Your DH can start saying no and so can you. Of course you don't do these things for her so you can collect the 'payment' in the future, but by the same token, one good turn deserves another and treat others as you would expect others to treat you spring to mind.

Declutterbug · 11/06/2012 14:21

YANBU to feel sad about this.

Over the years I have come to accept that my mum won't help out in ways that I'd actually like her to, but only on her terms and even then regularly lets me down. It has taken me a long time to come to realise that the best way to preserve my sanity is to stop trying to rely on her at all or expect anything from our relationship. That said, we have a crap relationship and there are many issues, so partly this is about me accepting she has never been and can never be the mother I'd like her to be or the mother I'd like to be to my own children.

Others are right. The pragmatic solution is to stop asking her and find someone else who can babysit. It is OK to feel disappointed about this.

She sounds hard work Sad

HecateTrivia · 11/06/2012 14:22

Well, the thing is - she doesn't HAVE to. You have to right to expect her to.

It would be nice if she wanted to! I think people ought to be there for each other and it's sad when they're not.

But that doesn't mean she's obligated to be your childcare.

However. You don't HAVE to do stuff for her either. It's never nice when someone's a taker and it sounds like that's what your mum is.

Start saying no to her. She has no right to expect you to be on tap any more than you have a right to expect her to be and if she doesn't want to be there to help you out - she can't expect you to be at her beck and call.

halcyondays · 11/06/2012 14:22

You don't have to have her round every week for a meal, do you?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/06/2012 14:22

Accountantssrule - it's good that you are lucky enough to have family near enough/willing enough to babysit. My DS only has only living GP and he lives in Spain- we have no family at all local to us and I should imagine there are loads of people in the same situation.

Original poster
KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:24

halcyondays - DC's would be fast asleep in bed. She is 60 and very fit/healthy!

OP posts:
accountantsrule · 11/06/2012 14:24

Sorry anyonefortennis and betty - that was quite a flippant remark and really what I meant was if that people did have family close by then usually they are more than happy to help out in my experience, sorry I should have said that the first time

OTTMummA · 11/06/2012 14:25

Yes please do that KoyKarp, i wouldn't stop helping her out althogether, but do cut down on it, if she kicks up a stink, tell her you need to save some money to hire a babysitter, so won't be making her dinner etc, but she is welcome to come before or after dinner etc.

I do find it really sad when GP's who appear to have a good relationship with their own children do not want to babysit grandchildren at all, even a couple of hours, it seems quite miserable tbh.
I do understand some GP's have health problems and sometimes it isn't workable, but i can't imagine not wanting to babysit my future grandchildren for a couple of hours Sad

Original poster
KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:26

Declutterbug - Great post, you seem very wise!

OP posts:
WineOhWhy · 11/06/2012 14:28

it is right that you cant expect her to babysit. She is still selfish though - anyone who is all take and no give is selfish.

You need to decide how you feel about such a one sided relationship. You cant change her, but you can change what you do for her.

Original poster
KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:30

The reason we have her round every week is primarily so our DC's get to spend time with her, I think it's really important that they see her regularly and she wouldn't come if we didn't cook her a roast

OP posts:
Ormiriathomimus · 11/06/2012 14:33

She has a friend staying. Could you not go out next week instead?

halcyondays · 11/06/2012 14:33

Couldn't you just take them round to see her?

Well, if she is fit and healthy, then yanbu to be a bit disappointed, but there isn't much you can do if she isn't keen to babysit. Unfortnately some grandparents are happy to babysit quite often and some aren't.

Original poster
KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:35

DS2 is really allergic to her cats, we take him round sometimes and give him antihistamine but they have recently put the age limit up to 6 years and he is only 3 so we don't like to give it to him regularly.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 11/06/2012 14:35

She wouldn't come over to yours ( 10 mins away ) if you didn't cook her a roast?!

Sorry but that is selfish, is that true? i can't believe it!

Original poster
KoyKarp · 11/06/2012 14:37

OTTMummA - well she would, just not on a regular basis

OP posts:
diddl · 11/06/2012 14:39

I would stop being so accommodating then if it annoys you.

But that´s maybe how she feels about the babysitting even though she doesn´t do much.

I wouldn´t expect her to leave a guest, though, so for that YABU.

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