to not help FIL get a job

[Chelvis]

I'm a long term lurker, don't really post, but would appreciate some persepective on this. Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a part time freelance business - don't want to say what, in case it reveals who I am! I have previously done this job part time alongside my full time job, and now do it as a SAHM. It pays pretty well but, unless you're in a big city, it's pretty much impossible to make it a full time career. I work anywhere from 2 hours to 10 hours a week for several different clients.

FIL has decided that he wants to get into this line of work. He knows next to nothing about it, only what he thinks it involves. He wants me to teach him everything I know, basically - set him up with my clients, show him how to do it, talk him through the process. To set him up in business really. I don't think he has the skills to really do a good job and will find it very hard - I know he will be coming to me with lots of questions and almost expecting me to do the job for him until he gets the hang of it, which could be a long time, if ever!

It's not only the time I am concerned about though. There is a limited amount of work available. If I introduce him to my clients, there is a very very high chance that, because of his greater availability, he will take away a lot of my work. With small children at home and only one income, the money really helps us, and I don't want to lose it.

I have asked DH to speak to him about it, to explain how he would be taking away my income and that it's not really fair to expect me to HELP him do that! Dh won't though - he doens't want to be rude and he says they really need to get some money coming. However, he acknowledges that it will be a problem for us not to have that money. He feels stuck in the middle, so won't do anything and doesn't want me to be rude by saying anything.. Bloody helpful, thanks DH.

It's true that they do need the money too, but - and this is so I don't dripfeed - I don't have an awful lot of sympathy for their situation. FIL had retrained for several jobs, never seems happy with any of them, always talking about moving onto the next big moneymaking scheme. He has chosen to be freelance in his current field to avoid the stress of a permanent job, so his income is erratic, but IMO, that's his own choice. MIL doesn't work, still a SAHM apparently (despite 'children' being adults, but that's a whole other story...)

AIBU for not helping? And if not, HTH do I say 'no' without causing offence?

YANBU at all.

BE honest and say 'Sorry DFIL, but there is barely enough work in the area for me, if you split that between the both of us then it will really hurt us financially.'

What can he really do except get upset anyway? Not like he can pin you down and make you teach him....

In one breath you're saying he won't be able to do your job properly and in another you're worried that he'll take your custom?

I wouldn't give him your contacts but if it was me, I'd show him how to do the job and then let him get on with it.

YANBU for not wanting to help.

How much pressure is he putting on you? Can you just direct him to a website that might give him some info and brush off his questions by being very vague when they co me along.

If he asks you to set him up with your clients, laugh it off and say 'surely youre not trying to pinch my clients are you?' then change the subject. Have some subject change material ready for when you need it, plan a few questions that you could ask him to turn it round.

Is he the sort of person that will eventually take the hint?

If you want to help, you can show him what you do, advise etc - but there's no way in hell I share my clients with anyone (I'm also a freelancer). I do a lot of informal coaching and would give my time to anyone who wanted to enter my industry - but not my contacts. No way. YANBU.

That said, I suspect you can't say no without giving offence. So you're just going to have to give offence I guess. That old MN stand-by - 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me' may be a help or not - depends how thick skinned FIL is. And to be honest, DP should be getting involved with this.

You could say that you don't have the time to teach him. Or that there isn't enough work out there for him to make any money doing it.

You cannot introduce him to your clients - not only would he be taking money directly from you, but if he fucks it up, it will reflect badly on you, because you will have been the one to introduce him.

I'm a great believer in honestly. He seems to have no qualms about taking work directly away from you, so you shouldn't have any qualms about telling him why you won't be enabling this.

Your husband is being an idiot about this. It's not rude to tell his dad that he will be directly threatening your business.I would keep back all my earnings from the family pot in order to demonstrate to dh just how hard it is to cope without your income - if he enjoys the benefits of your money, then he ought to be prepared to defend it Your fil is fucking cheeky, expecting this. Don't let yourself get steamrollered into wrecking your income.

Just tell him that you like to keep family and work separate.

The other option is to keep putting it off until he finds his next big moneymaking scheme and loses interest.

Why would teaching him how to do the job involve introducing him to your clients?
In your position I would tell him that getting into your line of work isn't a good idea as there isn't enough work around to earn a living from it and he would be better to put his time and effort into something that will deliver him the return that he needs.

YANBU

YANBU. tbh, nor is dh for not wanting to get involved. If your FiL has asked you, then it's up to you to give your answer - this is about your work and income.
Just explain to him that there is barely enough work out there to keep you afloat, and you are working all the hours you are able at the moment, so therefore not able to 'take on an apprentice' at this point in time. end of.

You can't introduce him to your clients because of "client confidentiality and the data protection act" and "if you hear of anyone that might be looking for XYZ --something vague and woolly that he has and you haven't" you'll be sure to mention his name but "even that is skating on thin ice, you can't be too careful these days..." and trail off looking mysterious yet smiling sweetly.

strikeout fail doh!

WorraLiberty "In one breath you're saying he won't be able to do your job properly and in another you're worried that he'll take your custom?"

I knwo that sounds contradictory - I can just see him taking work on, then pressuring me to help him do it to a decent standard.
DH says he'll probably take some of my work right away, then do a bad job and either realise he can't do it or he'll get dropped by companies sharpish. So either way, he won't take the income for long and I should just help him [sigh]. DH is probably right on that TBF, but it's still not good for me in the short term, and it's the bloody principle of it!

I don't think he will take the hint, he's already messaging me regularly saying he needs the contacts now, and I will need to sit with him at TIME to get him started.

I'm actually not a pushover, I'm a bit of a bitch, if I'm honest. If it was anyone else, i'd tell them to bugger off. But I don't think I can say that to FIL without there being repercussions and his family kicking off. Which DH will blame me for ....

Well sorry, but you are sounding a bit of a wimp. If your dh won't get involved then he hasn't got a leg to stand on if you deal with this. Are you really going to roll over and let your fil steal your business from you. Actually, it's worse than that - you are actually going to help him do it.

FGS, grow a spine and say no

And if there are family repercussions, well, your fil caused this situation and you dh has done bugger all to help you get out of it tactfully. Are they worrying about you in all this? No? Well then, why are you worrying so much about how they feel?

YANBU. At best, I'd be inclined to give him some tips on how to get into this line of work and top of the list would be "there's not enough work to go round". Be prepared to be unpopular (people like your FIL rarely see reason) but stand your ground. There's no way you should be introducing him to your clients and your FIL needs to realise that this isn't his next money-making scheme.

Nothing more irritating than someone thinking thy can do what you do, then asking for so much help that it would have been quicker to do it yourself, oh and you get nothing for all your time and expertise. Gosh I almost sound bitter!! , as a qualified accountant I have some clients who do their own VAT or payroll to save money, not a problem but I do hate the few who insist on doing it themselves, are not capable and spent so much time asking me to teach them how to do my job and not getting paid for it. (There is a reason it takes years to qualify!!) Aghhhhhh!!!!

Anyway, YANBU to not want to give him access to your clients. I would be really annoyed that he thinks he can do your job, even if he is in dire straits. I don't know what your line of work is but can you just say you've spoken briefly to some clients and they are all adamant that they want to just stay with you so sorry you are unable to help him?

YANBU. I think you could tell him that you find it very difficult to say it, but no. You cannot give up your income to him. That's what he's asking for.

He needs the contacts right now? Ahem. He needs to face facts and stop being so sodding entitled. Has he any business experience at all? Does he not understand the principle of contacts? Like they aren't shared around randomly, let alone on demand?

Don't give FIL access to your clients!

Why on earth should he get to waltz in after you've done all the hard work?

Suggest to him that there's an urgent need for a spine-growing service - and put your dh forward as the first client.

You're right, why I am trying to make FIL and DH comfortable about this? I am just going to have to say it. There is no way I am letting him take the income I have worked really hard to be worth. I'll try putting him off I think by pointing out the lack of work, but I think I will have to just be blunt, because I can see him not taking that for an answer ("well, you get plenty don't you?").

It's just a bit of a new thing for me. We've always dealt with problems with our own families, so that the other can't be a scapegoat and because familiy forgives their own quicker. It's usually me dealing with mine, they're the ones who need telling mostly! Having to be firm with DH's lot is a new one, I just don't feel confident I can strike the right balance between politeness and my usual bluntness!

YOu have to refuse. Cite data protection if you have to. Am a freelance myself and your reputation is the most important thing you have.

You have to say no! These names = food on your table. Someone who expects you to hand them over like this is beyond entitled - it's breathtaking arrogance! I'd imagine that no-one has ever said no to your FIL.

I would cite data protection and use that great phrase, 'I'm terribly sorry but that won't be possible.' I think your DH is the one who needs to grow a spine - he's putting you in an awful position by refusing to actually back you up. You say he knows you'll lose money you both need and he still won't stand up to his father or back you if you do?

I'm so glad that no-one feels I should give my contacts to him, DH is really pushing me to do that and no more, so that he can see for himself how little work there is and the hoops you have to jump through for it. COntacts don't really exist in DH's line of work, so I don't think he understands how important they are!

Its unbelievable to think he wants your clients handed to him on a plate. Plus if he does a bad job, why on earth would your clients come back to you, if you recommended him in the first place?. What will he want next? Your house? your actually job?

You have to tell him NO.

It is hard, and I don't envy you having to do it - but it does need to be done. Your dh is letting you down here, if you have an agreement that he deals with his family and you deal with yours.

Fwiw, I think you will get the balance right - there are some good suggestions on this thread for things to say, but if you do end up being a bit blunt, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some people, like your fil, only respond to bluntness and he could do with learning some respect for your achievements and not treating them like they are nothing and as if it is perfectly okay to take from you.