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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not help FIL get a job

75 replies

Chelvis · 11/06/2012 11:25

I'm a long term lurker, don't really post, but would appreciate some persepective on this. Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a part time freelance business - don't want to say what, in case it reveals who I am! I have previously done this job part time alongside my full time job, and now do it as a SAHM. It pays pretty well but, unless you're in a big city, it's pretty much impossible to make it a full time career. I work anywhere from 2 hours to 10 hours a week for several different clients.

FIL has decided that he wants to get into this line of work. He knows next to nothing about it, only what he thinks it involves. He wants me to teach him everything I know, basically - set him up with my clients, show him how to do it, talk him through the process. To set him up in business really. I don't think he has the skills to really do a good job and will find it very hard - I know he will be coming to me with lots of questions and almost expecting me to do the job for him until he gets the hang of it, which could be a long time, if ever!

It's not only the time I am concerned about though. There is a limited amount of work available. If I introduce him to my clients, there is a very very high chance that, because of his greater availability, he will take away a lot of my work. With small children at home and only one income, the money really helps us, and I don't want to lose it.

I have asked DH to speak to him about it, to explain how he would be taking away my income and that it's not really fair to expect me to HELP him do that! Dh won't though - he doens't want to be rude and he says they really need to get some money coming. However, he acknowledges that it will be a problem for us not to have that money. He feels stuck in the middle, so won't do anything and doesn't want me to be rude by saying anything.. Bloody helpful, thanks DH.

It's true that they do need the money too, but - and this is so I don't dripfeed - I don't have an awful lot of sympathy for their situation. FIL had retrained for several jobs, never seems happy with any of them, always talking about moving onto the next big moneymaking scheme. He has chosen to be freelance in his current field to avoid the stress of a permanent job, so his income is erratic, but IMO, that's his own choice. MIL doesn't work, still a SAHM apparently (despite 'children' being adults, but that's a whole other story...)

AIBU for not helping? And if not, HTH do I say 'no' without causing offence?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chelvis · 11/06/2012 12:05

NarkedRaspberry "You say he knows you'll lose money you both need and he still won't stand up to his father or back you if you do?"

I think part of the problem is that we're not on the breadline if we don't have this income - DH's income covers what we need, my income pays for Christmas, holidays, savings, presents for people, clothes etc. FIL is giving the impression that they NEED it or they will be in poverty - which I think is nonsense, seeing how they spend money like it's water, but DH falls for it.

OP posts:

BumptiousandBustly · 11/06/2012 12:07

If I was your client, and someone phoned me up and said: X gave me your details i would think: a) why don't they value me as a client/want my business. B) Maybe I will try this new person. C) the new person was crap - definitely not going back to X who didn't value my business and gave my details to someone who was crap!

NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 12:09

Hmm. Unless your DH is a bit dense I think he must know how important your client names are. I think he's trying to do it for an easy life, assuming his father will fuck up and drift onto a new career option and he can avoid any confrontation.

Just think how your FIL will use the names. What would he say when your clients ask how he got their details? This won't just take money from you it will tarnish your reputation when he goes on to 'then do a bad job and either realise he can't do it or he'll get dropped by companies sharpish.' You won't go back to someone who gave him their contact info!

NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 12:10

They

NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 12:15

Just because you're alright for cash because of his work, your DH is fine with jeapardizing your work? I'd imagine you've worked very hard to build up a business and a client list, especially with young children. If he's so eager to help them why doesn't your DH get his father a job where he works?

Original poster

Chelvis · 11/06/2012 12:17

Bumptious "If I was your client, and someone phoned me up and said: X gave me your details i would think: a) why don't they value me as a client/want my business. B) Maybe I will try this new person. C) the new person was crap - definitely not going back to X who didn't value my business and gave my details to someone who was crap!"

I'm forwarding this thread to DH, and bolding this bit. I think I've focused on the loss of income too much to DH, which he has some arguments against. He can't argue with the contacts issue. I have spent almost 10 years proving my value to some of my contacts, I am not losing that.

Thanks so much for all the replies, even - especially! - the tough ones. I need to channel my inner mumsnetter and say 'NO!'.

OP posts:

olgaga · 11/06/2012 12:18

Poor you! He's a lazy opportunist. Shame you didn't have a straightforward conversation right from the start.

Isn't there a website you can direct him to? Training courses where he can find "all the information he needs"?

Point out that business isn't easy to come by and you're not looking for a partner. You can't stop him trying to compete with you, but obviously he can't expect you to help him take future business prospects from you.

Tell him you've worked hard to build up your business, you've spoken to your clients and they're all happy with your service and don't want it to change.

Original poster

Chelvis · 11/06/2012 12:20

Narked - he would do that and love it! I suspect that's part of the problem, he'd help his family, but me not helping, isn't 'not helping them' it's protecting me, iyswim?

OP posts:

runnindownadream · 11/06/2012 12:22

Yanbu however I would present fil with a list of your charges for the consultancy work he is asking you to provide and request payment up front

Original poster

Chelvis · 11/06/2012 12:22

We haven't had a proper conversation so far - it's all via DH, when I'm in the midst of something else so can't answer or email messages. I'm going to have to have the conversation tonight I think, i can't avoid him any more!

OP posts:

NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 12:25

Well then, off he goes to sort out the paperwork . 10 years of your work would be trashed by your FIL. Bumptious has it spot on.

AKMD · 11/06/2012 12:26

Exactly what the first reply said.

YANBU at all and I would be telling your DH to grow a spine.

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 11/06/2012 12:33

No, no, no, no, NO.

You've worked hard to build up your business, why should somebody think they have the right to waltz in and demand the results of that graft?!

Does your husband not value your efforts?
YA so NBU.

WilsonFrickett · 11/06/2012 12:46

Exactly that, and another thing to bear in mind - you don't need the income now, that's absolutely fine and I'm in a similar situation myself. However I need to keep my business ticking over because who knows when that situation will change? If DH was made redundant tomorrow, or if anything happened to him - or us, for that matter - I would have a route back to FT work. The 'extra' you earn ATM could save your house in the future. (Obviously I hope not but it's not just about your family's financial position today, it means you are earning and in circulation so you can cope with whatever life throws at you).

HappySunflower · 11/06/2012 13:11

Quite aside from the professional inappropriateness of it, surely Data Protection and confidentiality would prevent you from sharing your contacts?

CakeMeIAmYours · 11/06/2012 13:16

I'd be having serious words with DH over this.

He's essentially sacrificing your hard won career on the alter of his own spinelessness.

I'm all for avoiding family ructions wherever possible, but essentially your DH's easy life isn't even being paid for by him, he's expecting you to pay for his easy life with your career.

Tbh, I'd struggle to respect someone with such little backbone, he should be defending your career with all his might.

CakeMeIAmYours · 11/06/2012 13:18

I'm actually quite incensed on your behalf OP, just who does he think he is?

RobotLover68 · 11/06/2012 13:19

You're right, why I am trying to make FIL and DH comfortable about this?

spot on - because they are clearly not worried that they are making you uncomfortable

things like this really irk me - other people act like cheeky beggars and you end up tying yourself in knots to extricate yourself from a situation you should never have been put in in the first place - grrrrr

fedupofnamechanging · 11/06/2012 13:20

Does he always treat the things you've worked so hard for and value, with such little respect?

He is basically saying that your career is of so little importance, that it's okay to piss it all away, rather than say no to his dad.

Keep hold of that career, OP. If you are married to the kind of man who thinks this is okay, then you well might need it in future, to support yourself with.

QuintessentialShadows · 11/06/2012 13:28

Your contacts are your most valuable asset.

You cannot give that away for all those reasons cited here.

However, doing so, could possibly put you in legal trouble, as you would be in breach of confidentiality and data protection.

He might need An income but not your income!

It is not your responsibility to provide a grown man with an income.

MrsSquirrel · 11/06/2012 13:34

"Does he always treat the things you've worked so hard for and value, with such little respect?"

IMO a married man should always prioritise his kids/wife over his family of origin. Sorry he is treating you so badly.

theboutiquemummy · 11/06/2012 13:36

I work for myself and its amazing the number of people who think they can just waltz off with your clients after a few lessons etc. Personally I would just make myself unavailable. Your clients always hire YOU not someone else and if it all goes wrong then they will blame you. So NO is the answer. tough shit

I wonder if a stranger asked you the same question what your answer would be. You are not responsible for their financial situation.

Your DH is putting you in an impossible situation and as its his father its HIS job to say hang on here a min DAD give her a break she works FT and does this on the side whats left of her time is for us as a family rather then keep your hands off!

Good Luck

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 11/06/2012 13:53

YANBU at all. And from what you've said of your FIL, it sounds like another one of his schemes - he'd damage your business and happily move on to the next thing.

kickingKcurlyC · 11/06/2012 14:23

m.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser?cat=lifeandstyle&type=article

You just reminded me of this article.

Stick up for yourself! Say no. What an uncomfortable situation he's put you in. He has been rather thoughtless and rude, I feel.

travelcot · 11/06/2012 14:31

It sounds to me like your fil is asking you to hand your business over to him. Why would you want to do that?

If you work from home then I would also get a lockable filing cabinet to keep all your work related documents in so as to avoid the possibility of him snooping when visiting or babysitting etc .

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