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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wedding cake crash + SIL

68 replies

toomuchribbon · 10/06/2012 10:52

We are getting married in 3 weeks. My DP's brother-in-law's sister has a fledgling cake-making business (with a different day job).

She offered to make our wedding cake. Based on the two children's cakes we've seen, and the good things we heard from her brother, we said yes.

We met her, agreed a simple design. She had no photos of work, or reference photos from magazines, let alone cake samples to try etc - but I thought fine, she's just getting started and is going through a difficult time with her day job concurrently.

She took 4 weeks to send a quote, which is a standard price, not discounted. This is fine. But - she never replies to the few, simple, emails sent; for instance, our florist needed some details - she ignored it.
We asked for a pink-coloured sponge (god this is sounding pathetic) that's revealed when the cake is cut and she said she would try it and let us know as she had never done it before.
She never did let us know and I asked politely, nicely, twice, a few weeks later if she had managed to do so, which she has ignored.

I have even asked for photos for a friend who is looking for cakes for a wedding and a retirement; she won't send photos.

She has now emailed overnight to say that if we want to look for another quote that's "the normal thing to do" and she would understand, and that she is going away on holiday so can't send photos for my friend now. And still no mention of the damn pink sponge.

It was a leap of faith in the first place to take her on for the cake but I felt she deserved the trust - and how hard could the cake be etc. Now we are left three weeks before the wedding with no cake and yet another thing to organise. My DP thinks she has freaked out and realised she can't do it but won't say so. I don't know what the reason and in a way don't care, but I am pretty furious.

Of course I am sure we'll sort something out but AIBU to feel that I am right, to be pretty peeved at her and to go forth and find someone else for the cake? Of course there are family politics involved but I feel her behaviour negates usual loyalties - and we don't have much choice.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/06/2012 10:58

YANBU. If she wasn't even giving you family rates you owe her nothing, and you have every reason to be pissed off with her for messing you around.

As long as what you want for your cake is reasonably simple, I'm sure you will find someone else to do it for you.

I agree with your dp, she can't do it and doesn't know how to say it. Cut your losses and go elsewhere.

Congratulations, I'm sure you will have a wonderful wedding day and soon all this stress will be completely forgotten about.

squeakytoy · 10/06/2012 11:00

YANBU and yes get on with sorting it out elsewhere. She doesnt want to do it.

PiggyMad · 10/06/2012 11:01

I'd go elsewhere - after the fiasco so far I'd be too worried about what she was going to present on the day! Weddings are stressful enough without unnecessary complications.

LindyHemming · 10/06/2012 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bagofholly · 10/06/2012 11:09

I agree with your DP. She's bombed and doesn't want the job. Get thee to M&S, buy their standard one and get your florist to tart it up.

WorraLiberty · 10/06/2012 11:09

YANBU to go elsewhere

YABU to make me think your SIL crashed head first into your wedding cake Blush

iwantbrie · 10/06/2012 11:09

YANBU. Get another cake sorted pronto. We relied on a family member to do our wedding cake, she decided 2 days before the wedding that she wasn't going to do what we asked for (1tier as sponge because many people didn't like fruit cake) because it would be too much trouble to bake it on the morning of the wedding.
She didn't tell us, just MIL. We found out at the wedding itself and half of the guests ended up with no cake at all. We had to take the damn thing home with us & try to get rid of it before it went stale!
Sometimes getting things sorted without family help is easier..

fuzzpig · 10/06/2012 11:09

YANBU - she was expecting normal rates and therefore should be treated as any other business you could've chosen. And if a normal business doesn't perform then you ditch them!

How is she expecting to drum up trade with that attitude though?

CleverClod · 10/06/2012 11:10

Sod her, she's messing you about, go to Marksies, they make wonderful wedding cakes :)

fuzzpig · 10/06/2012 11:10

Have you got a Druckers near you? They do amazing cakes including for weddings.

Hungry now Envy

Northernlurker · 10/06/2012 11:14

Just tell her you appreciate she's too busy to do the cake and you've made other arrangements. Then ignore her - because you'll probably get a bill for pink attempts or hear that she's bought 18 new tins because you were going to set her up for life and she'd making a cake for royalty next and it was all gooing to be marvellous and now what should she do with all the bunting she'd bought for her garden to make the cake look nice when she had very impressive photos taken - which she was just about to do when you ruined it blah blah whine whine blah............

crazy88 · 10/06/2012 11:14

I think your dp is spot on. She will probably be relieved if you go elsewhere. I would text or ringand just say sorry, hope you don't mind but money us tight and we got a better quote elsewhere. The fact that she hasn't responded to requests for photos for your friend either suggests she may have had second thoughts about the whole business idea. Enjoy your wedding day and try not to stress - no one ever remembers the cake anyway!!

MarySA · 10/06/2012 11:15

She's got a nerve. Not giving you discount and then messing you about like this. I'd go somewhere else and make sure you've at least got a cake which sounds as if that could be doubtful if you relied on her. I certainly wouldn't recommend her to anybody till she gets her act together.

marshmallowpies · 10/06/2012 11:19

Sounds like her comment about 'getting quotes from elsewhere' is an attempt to give you a get-out clause making clear you aren't hurting her feelings - take it! (although in the circumstances she should be the one worrying she has hurt your feelings, really).

It doesn't bode well for her confidence if she is trying to set this up as a business - she should concentrate on doing more birthday cakes and single-tier cakes perhaps before attempting a wedding cake.

A friend of mine had her wedding cake made by someone who'd never made one before...the bottom layer turned into Stilton (and no it wasn't a cheese cake). So you may have had a lucky escape!

Bagofholly · 10/06/2012 11:20

warning

whackamole · 10/06/2012 11:21

I think your DP is right as well.

FWIW, I just had two cakes from M&S and they are lovely, we had the bog standard sponge with white icing, it comes with some little swirly bits on top and ribbon round the base, they are also on silver boards. They are super cheap and the cakes were really lovely.

Congratulations and enjoy your day!

marshmallowpies · 10/06/2012 11:23

crazy I'd love to say 'no one remembers the cake' but oh my word the Stilton flavour cake at my friends wedding I do remember!

Mind you as long as the cake is edible it should be fine...the cake at my wedding was not the best ever cake I've had in my life but it was fine. Have since been to 2 weddings where the cake was seriously good, though, which makes me realise mine was merely acceptable!

fedupofnamechanging · 10/06/2012 11:24

I wouldn't be nice or apologetic - I would send an email stating that since she has failed to communicate with you, despite repeated requests, you have been forced to go elsewhere. Keep it brief and to the point - no apologies or letting her off the hook. I understand that people sometimes take on more than they can handle, but she ought to have contacted you, apologised and given you a decent amount of time to line up a replacement.

The family link isn't bothering her so much that she would give you a discount or treat you politely. If she isn't worrying about it, why should you?

duckdodgers · 10/06/2012 11:28

bagofholly thats fantastic!!

"channeling a bit more Bob Marley than William Wallace" Grin

GoEasyPudding · 10/06/2012 11:30

I would get another cake ordered right now and if this were me I would be getting the most amazing cake I can find at short notice!

Ring around cake makers and see what they say and or have a lookie at the M&S/Waitrose to order options and go crazy with the cake topper! ebay have some crazy and fun cake decoration options.

itdoesnthurttohavemanners · 10/06/2012 11:30

Didn't even get a piece (or get offered!) at the wedding I attended yesterday! Their cake was incredibly basic, literally, I could have made it with a Betty Crocker mix. And verdict?! NOT BOTHERED IN THE SLIGHTEST! Please don't spend a fortune on the cake, honestly, no one pays any attention (unless it really is incredible, and then it gets an 'OOOH" for what, about 3 seconds...is that really worth hundreds of your pounds!?)

Marks and Spencer I agree! :)

jubilucket · 10/06/2012 11:33

Order a cake from M&S.
Try not to kill SIL when you next see her.
Have a wonderful wedding day.
Never ask her to do anything for you again.

toomuchribbon · 10/06/2012 11:36

Thank you, all.

M&S it must be!

DP is now worried about what the rest of the family will think about us not using her - agh!

OP posts:
toomuchribbon · 10/06/2012 11:37

Bagofholly that's fantastic - cheered me up immensely! More Bob Marley, ha ha.

OP posts:
bonzo77 · 10/06/2012 11:38

YANBU. Just say no thanks, clearly but politely. We didn't have a wedding cake. No one noticed or cared. But this thread has caused me a pregnancy craving for fruit cake!