To be pissed off that exp is moving his new gf in, next door?

[froggies]

We split up 15months ago after a 12 year relationship, have we have 2dd's (3&6) and I have ds (15). We owned two houses, next door to each other, so he got the smaller finished one, I got the larger,half renovated one. He sees DD's one overnight midweek, one overnight and one day every weekend. He refuses to see DS, and vv.
There is history of EA and his abuse towards DS.
He introduced DD's to new gf in feb, (he didn't tell me he was gong to do this, or that he had done it, I only found out when DD1 told me, after half an hours hysterical crying from DD2 on there return one weekend).
Last week he announced his engagement on fb, and told DD's, but again no word to me.
Today DD told me gf is moving I with him. I am, to say the least, feeling a wee bit stressed about the whole thing.

Am I unreasonable in thinking he is an insensitive, unreasonable, arsehole, towards DD's, his new fiancé, and me?

Kind of feel like going and bashing something, really really hard.

YANBU for feeling that way. Nothing you can do though. You've split up and he's allowed to move on. Having your nose rubbed in it is the disadvantage of living next door to him.

yes he's a pillock. but live with it. how much do you really care?
help the children to see it as a practicality - it's where he lives, so his gf lives with him.

Unless you have feeling s for him then YABU.

I would have thought it makes sense to have him close at hand for shared childcare.

You'd be best placed to be saccharine sweet and making a friend of his new partner. Or else all your lives will be a misery.

However would he be accommodating if you moved a new fella in?

YANBU - he is being an ass. What kind of woman ( his fiancé?) would agree to this?
Not sure there is anything you can do, but I am sorry you are going through this.

No, he would hit the fucking roof if I moved a new bloke in.

So far I have not met, been introduced to, told of or even told the name of GF by him, just what DD's tell me.

I hate living next door, but at the moment I am stuck (working on that though!) on one occasion DD1 refused to go to his (she had had a big row from him on the previous contact) and. Said I would encourage her to come up, it wouldn't physically force her (she only announced this when he was stood on the doorstep at collectin time so I couldn't let him no or attempt to discus it before hand). His response was to stomp off in a temper with DD2 in tow, phone me 3 times within 15 mins (when I was trying to talk to DD) then bang on m door (leaving DD2 unsupervised in his house) shouting about his rights as a parent, not once did he ask wh DD1 didn't want to go, or what the problem was. His next step was to threaten court to take residency of the girls.

This is what I live next to. I can be faily sure that he will have painted me as the ex from hell, so I expect easy relations with gf will be likely. If I ever get to meet her (the houses physically apart so it isn't like we will see each other ver the garden fence kind of thing).

I'm tempted to come round with a bowl of fresh popcorn.

Living so close he won't be able to hide from his new woman what a pratt he is for long - she'll hear the doorstep toddler tantrums for herself.

When you are ready to start a new relationship at some distant point in the future, his prior lack of consideration now gives you carte blanche to handle introductions to your children as YOU see fit (gradually and with regards to the children's feelings). He's lost the right to express an opinion.

Let him threaten court - 9 times out of 10 these controlling ijeets get a nasty shock from the judge when it's pointed out to them that THE KIDS NEEDS COME BEFORE ADULT EGOS.

Man's well on the way to making what my late would call "a damn fool of himself" so don't stress and get ready to enjoy your popcorn.

He's been dad to your son for 12 years and now refuses to see him?

Save up and move.
Of course he can move a new girlfriend in.
You went out with him for a long time, putting up with abuse so what makes you think that another woman won't.
Sorry don't mean to sound harsh but concentrate on yourself and the children and not your ex.

If you are not over him and it's 15 months sine you split then perhaps you could look at trying to get some therapy as getting all stressed about it is not good for you and he is free to live his life how he likes and you have no say in who lives in his house or who he introduces his children to (normal caveats apply).

As others have said time to move on and at least he is keeping contact with his kids.

Golly, I don't expect to get a say in who he sees, or he introduces the girls to, or where he goes (although he got pretty pissed that that indeed works both ways).

I guess I expected (stupidly) to behave with a bit of maturity about the whole thing for the sake of the girls. Ie, letting me know that they would be meeting her etc. as i would have done if I had met someone else first, so that they would feel able to talk about it to both of us. As it is, my 6 yr old kept it secret for 3 days, because she thought I wasn't supposed to know. That is not a position to put a child in. Ever.

And yes, Totem, he was his 'Dad' - the only one he has known- for 12 years, and the first time he asked to see the girls, they all walked next door together, and he turned DS away on the doorstep.

Novackingood, both myself and DS are receiving support, and the girls see an outreach worker too, but such is the nature of emotional abuse, that I do doubt the rationality of my reactions at times, am i being over sensitive or not.... I am absolutly over any kind of emotional attachment to him, however I suspect I will be dealing with the emotional scars for a while yet before I am ready to move on to a new relationship.

His living next door, while being convenient for him to collect/drop off the girls, offers me no easy childcare, just a whole bunch of stress if he sees me doing things he doesn't like, or hears me (god forbid) telling them off, or even worse, arguing with their brother. I wish it were so easy to move on. (was actually hoping he would go and move in with her).

Has the property already been legally divided or could you insist that both houses are sold, so you get the option of not living next door to this prick.

How long before you can move away?

Your sanity is worth more than living next to him, are either/both properties legally partly yours?

I'd be tempted to go to womans aid just to get away from him until you can force sale of the properties.

Can you rent out your house and rent somewhere else yourself, until you can sell it?

You need a "playlist" to blast out from time to time, (well anytime he knocks at your front door)

Might I suggest
Papa Roach "I'm not listening"
Dr Alban "It's my life"
Lady Saw "Man is the least"
Collie Budz "Blind to you"
Rolling stones "I'm free to do what I want"
Boney M "Ma Baker"

Can I add "bloody motherfucking asshole" by Martha wainwright to that list?

Lol :-) good choice of tunes :-)

I am still here because:
Both houses are in joint names, but only the one I live in has a mortgage on it, in joint names. I am waiting for him to sign the piece of paper that tells the bank he is willing to put the mortgage into my name (and pay off half of it) so we can split the title deeds and one will be mine, and one will be his.

If I rent it out before this is done, I have to give him half of any profits (mortgage payment is not included as buisness expense) as he owns half of it, I cannot afford to do this. We live very rurally, and i childmind, so moving far enough to make a difference will affect my ability to work until I get new clients, I cannot afford to not work.

Also, I wanted minimal disruption for the kids, particularly DS who was kicking off big style last year, though seems to have settled quite a bit recently, I still don't want to move him away from the support or peer group that he currently has.

And just to add to it, my house is still a builders project - he is a joiner, and it is right, a tradesmans house is never finished- so the chance of selling it in the current market is really limited (a friends house, all modern specs, not too pricey, lovely view has sat on the market for over a year, so far). his house would sell much more quickly, for a start, it is finished (and gorgeous) but he doesn't want to sell, so just that disagreement would leave me stuck here until it was sorted anyway!

My plan is to finish the part time course I am doing at college, by which time DS will have finished his Highers (so next summer) and aim to finish the house by then too (but need the mortgage sorted so I can borrow extra - as i can't do the on the jont mortgage). THEN I will rent this place out, and move closer to town so I can do the next step of my degree full time (because there will be childcare available!). the huge plus of the new gf is that she seems to have kickstarted him sorting the financial stuff, will shake her hand just for that.

I do have a women's aid wifey who visits, and one of their children's workers works with DS

Aren't you entitled to half the value of both properties if they are both marital assets?

Sorry I might be talking out a hole in my head, I don't know a lot about it, but seems unfair he sits in lovely house and you can't get out of unfinished one next door.

Btw well done with your plan, good luck with it, get your degree you will never regret it.

We weren't married, which in one way makes it easier to walk away.

But, yes because we own them together, I am entitled to half, I am not gong to go into the ins and outs, but basically my choice is to accept that he will, on paper, be gaining by about £15k, and (hopefully) I will be able to move on with my life within he next year, and just have to deal with him re the children, or fight for the £15k that is rightfully mine, which would more than likely entail forcing the sale of the houses so he can give it to me (I am amazed he atually managed to get a mortgage considering his credit history), with extended legal fees, that I cannot afford to pay, no legal aid as the capital in the two properties is too high to qualify, which would take a lot longer and be a lot more stressy.

Shortly before he left me, I collapsed with cardiac issues, which were eventually attributed to stress. It is worth the 15k to get him out of my life - as much as possible anyway, and safeguard my health so that I can be there for the kids.

You are very pragmatic, and you sound very strong, I'm not sure I could be as sensible and graceful as you are.

But yes he is still a twunt

I am a friend of the OP. (She knows my nic, and I hers, this will not be a shock to her.)

She is indeed strong, pragmatic, sensible and graceful. She is a fantastic mother who does the best for her dc, and her ex isn't just a twunt.

He's a complete fuckwit.

And I feel sorry for his new woman, he has set her up to have dreadful problems with the girls in future, and I feel sorry for his dds, who are beautiful, creative, and fun to be around.

Shit situation, all around. :(

OP, I'm home tomorrow night, call if you need.

Lol, oh trust me, I am not always so sensible or graceful! The opening of this thread was me feeling pissed at it all. And wanting I kick him. Have got that out of my system now :-) but I have discovered it wise to do so away from him, because otherwise i find myself turning into a shrieking madwoman at the pure frustration of havng to deal with him.

I wish gf luck, but suspect it won't last, I was stupid enough to ignore the red fags because I didn't think I could make the same mistake twice (ex1 was worse) and constantly made excuses for him. I am now wiser, I hope she is wiser than I was, but I do worry about the effect it all may have on the girls as they like her.