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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and selfish or is dp re sleeping

58 replies

tittytittyhanghang · 07/06/2012 20:55

Dp works a physical job. He gets up at four and isn't home till about 4 including an hours commute. I work part time in the mornings from 9 till 1. Im up at 7 dealing with the dcs and then at 1 i collect dc2 (18months) and pretty much do the majority of the childcare until they go to bed (id probably say 90-95%). Although my work isn't physically tiring its mentally tiring and then am physically worn out running after kids rest of day.

Any way, dc2 has decided that for the last 3 weeks, every night he is gonna wake up crying. Good nights are only once or twice, bad nights maybe up to ten times. I deal him solely. He might wake both dp and i up, but dp goes back to sleep and i am the one who has to get up and deal with him. (I did try and let him cry it out one night but felt guilty after 10 mins when I heard upstairs neighbour waking up with his crying at 3 in the morning!). I am hoping on my knees praying to God that this will just be a phase that he is going through.

I am knackered. Absolutely knackered. Asked dp if he would mind getting up to deal with dc2 tonight as I needed some sleep to me told that I am being really selfish and apparently unreasonable, based on the fact that he works longer and his job is extremely hard graft. AIBU???

OP posts:

everlong · 07/06/2012 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbuttons · 07/06/2012 20:59

I think your dp's needs com before yours atm. Yes being a parent is very tiring, full stop, but from what you've described he definitely needs to sleep more than you, sorry

squeakytoy · 07/06/2012 21:01

getting up at 4am and doing a manual job does mean he probably should get to sleep if you are not up till 7 and only do 4 hours work in my opinion..

weekends should be different though..

AWomanCalledHorse · 07/06/2012 21:03

I think your DP needs his sleep more, although he should help/deal with dc2 on one/both of the weekend evening.

My DH is a shift worker & if he turns up to work too tired to drive/ride/operate safely he gets a ticking off, more than a few times & it's disciplinary and so on.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/06/2012 21:04

Could you not get a lie in on the days he dosent work to catch up a bit?

I'm having this too atm so I feel your pain!

YellowDinosaur · 07/06/2012 21:09

Her dh doesn't need his sleep more unless his job involves operating machinery. She does not work less because her paid job is only 4 hours - the rest of the time she is looking after the children our does this not count a work?

Op it is difficult to say whether you are unreasonable without knowing what both of your jobs involve so how much sleep deprivation would affect this. It might not be a bad plan to instead ask him to do the night shift one day when he is off the next day though then you can also get a property lie in.

You are certainly not unreasonable though to expect him to give you a break at some point so you can catch up on sleep

Original poster

tittytittyhanghang · 07/06/2012 21:10

no, i asked him as a fair compromise if he would take some of the weekend shift so to speak and was met with "so i get woken up during the week, and now you want me to get no sleep at the weekend". Apparently i need a reality check.

Gah, it feels like im a bloody single parent, and before anyone starts moaning about the realities of being a single parent, I was one for many years so I know how it goes. At least then, i wasn't under the illusion that I could expect any help!

OP posts:

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 07/06/2012 21:10

i work part time and dh works crazy hours. I do all nights. At weekends he gets up with the kids and lets me have a lie in.

Works well for us because he is a deep sleeper so i would have to wake him up to deal with the screaming baby which defeats the purpose!!

YellowDinosaur · 07/06/2012 21:10

Proper lie in not property lie in!

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/06/2012 21:11

I think it's fair if you have one lie in each. Could you have naps instead eg he gets a couple when he gets in at 4 and you get to go back to bed on a Saturday for a few hours?

I think one lie in each on the weekend would be fair.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/06/2012 21:12

Well he needs to do one of the weekend nights definitely and I normally 'side' with the one working the most hours but you work too!

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 07/06/2012 21:12

xpost

After I sat sobbing in a corner with DD because I was so tired we had a bit of a reality check and totted up the number of hours sleep we had. DH realised that although he had less hours in bed than me during the week - he was still getting more sleep!

Oogaballoo · 07/06/2012 21:13

I think that no matter who is right, he could have phrased it a bit better and been more civil, rather than telling you you need a reality check and being accusatory.

Original poster

tittytittyhanghang · 07/06/2012 21:14

Lie ins are a bone of contention in this house. Lie in for me means till at least 12. At which dp moans half the day is wasted despite the fact that we have nothing planned! Because dp is up at 4 most days sleeping till 8 or 9 counts as a lie in.

OP posts:

pictish · 07/06/2012 21:15

One lie in each at the weekend. That's fair.

HumphreyCobbler · 07/06/2012 21:15

as you are really tired now, and have been doing all the night wakings so far, it was not unreasonable at all to ask him to manage tonight.

I can't believe anyone thinks otherwise.

Rollersara · 07/06/2012 21:16

YANBU - it's not that you're expecting him to do it every night, just once so that you get one night's sleep in 3 weeks. I've had similar with DD, I'm on maternity leave, DP works 12 hour days so I do the vast bulk of night work, but gives me the odd night off when I ask him to.

everlong · 07/06/2012 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 07/06/2012 21:18

He is being unreasonable, unless he does a job where he could get hurt, eg operating specialist machinery.

Does he get the train to work, or drive?

At the very least he should be doing weekend nights, at least some of the time.

The current balance of childcare at night is unfair and exhaustion is bad for your health, also puts you and DC at risk of accidents etc.

Could it be teething? DD2 recently had similar phase and big batch of teeth then appeared.

pictish · 07/06/2012 21:18

Well on that one I'd be inclined to agree with your dp. Lying in til 12 (at least) is a waste of a day imo. It's up to you of course, but I'm mighty glad my dp doesn't waste precious weekend time snoring past lunchtime. I'd hate that.

DefeatedHouseElf · 07/06/2012 21:19

YANBU every human being needs a proper night's sleep on a reasonably frequent basis. I am sure you would happily work a 12 hour shift if you were guaranteed a nice peaceful night's rest at the end of it (and your DC well looked after by someone who loves them all day). You need to get your DH to step up to the plate. If he really cares about you, he will do a shift with the DC on Friday night, or Saturday night. Or perhaps he would take the DC out all day on Sunday so you can get a good rest. "Paid work" outside the home often involves coffee breaks, tea breaks and a chance to chat to colleagues. It's not so bad that you can't pull your weight at home when the going gets tough.

Um, sleeping in until lunchtime seems a bit extreme though TBH (unless for some reason your DC don't go to bed until 2am in which case you have bigger problems).

alphabite · 07/06/2012 21:19

I'm not sure that either of you are being unreasonable. You are both just sleep deprived.

As a temporary solution could you have a quick nap when DH gets home at 4pm while he looks after the baby?
At the weekends could he have a nap on Saturday and you have one on Sunday? You need some catch up kips I think.

Original poster

tittytittyhanghang · 07/06/2012 21:20

Dp goes to bed at 8/9ish, and fair enough he probably is woken up by dp, for all of 2 seconds and then rolls over, closes his eyes (if he even opened them) and goes back to sleep.

I physically have to get out of bed, and spent anywhere between 5 mins to half an hour trying to get ds2 back to sleep. I think its the whole getting out of bed, it wakens me up and its not like closing my eyes and going back to sleep. All that times half a dozen times a night.

Its just a phase, its just a phase, its just a phase

Coincidentally, i think dc2 has hayfever and this might be contributing to his shitty sleeping but all anti histamines seem to be for over 2's. If i take dc2 to gp does anyone know if they can prescribe anything?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 07/06/2012 21:21

I can agree with him there. I dont think I have stayed in bed until midday since my teens, or unless I havent gone to bed until 6am...

pictish · 07/06/2012 21:21

One lie in each at the weekend, with him being willing to do the odd night here and there if you've had to do it a lot.

I remember having I'm-more-tired-than-you rows. The only way to deal with it is by being fair.

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