AIBU and selfish or is dp re sleeping

[tittytittyhanghang]

Dp works a physical job. He gets up at four and isn't home till about 4 including an hours commute. I work part time in the mornings from 9 till 1. Im up at 7 dealing with the dcs and then at 1 i collect dc2 (18months) and pretty much do the majority of the childcare until they go to bed (id probably say 90-95%). Although my work isn't physically tiring its mentally tiring and then am physically worn out running after kids rest of day.

Any way, dc2 has decided that for the last 3 weeks, every night he is gonna wake up crying. Good nights are only once or twice, bad nights maybe up to ten times. I deal him solely. He might wake both dp and i up, but dp goes back to sleep and i am the one who has to get up and deal with him. (I did try and let him cry it out one night but felt guilty after 10 mins when I heard upstairs neighbour waking up with his crying at 3 in the morning!). I am hoping on my knees praying to God that this will just be a phase that he is going through.

I am knackered. Absolutely knackered. Asked dp if he would mind getting up to deal with dc2 tonight as I needed some sleep to me told that I am being really selfish and apparently unreasonable, based on the fact that he works longer and his job is extremely hard graft. AIBU???

Lie-ins til twelve are glorious BUT you do have to forget about them once you have kids.

If you have the choice between a lie-in until 12 and never/rarely getting them, a lie-in every weekend until 9, or nothing at all, what would you take?

I'd recommend option b.

Everyone needs sleep but your husband clearly has a tough, knackering job. Shifts like that are very tough on people and you can't just snap out of them at the weekends, the body doesn't work like that.

I would try and do it so that at the weekends you alternate who gets up in the morning, and that whoever doesn't lies in until a reasonable time like 8, 9 or 10am if he's happy with that, so there's still time to go out as a family before lunch if you want.

If his hours in the week are that tough you might just have to keep going with the night wakings and hope it's a phase... good luck to you!

id like to point out that i havent got to lie till 12 since dc2 was born:) And it wasn't a common occurence before then neither :( (But i don't understand why its a waste of a day if we're not doing nothing, better than getting up at 8 then sitting about the house half the day because usually we are too skint to be doing anything!) At weekends we both tend to wake up about 8ish.

id like to point out that i havent got to lie till 12 since dc2 was born:) And it wasn't a common occurence before then neither :( (But i don't understand why its a waste of a day if we're not doing nothing, better than getting up at 8 then sitting about the house half the day because usually we are too skint to be doing anything!) At weekends we both tend to wake up about 8ish.

I sympathise. DS wakes up regularly in the night and i do all the resettling. It was fine when I was on ML and could nap, but is killing me now i'm back at work. My DP can't do the night wakings as DS wants BFing and just screams until i turn up, but DP ALWAYS get up with him at weekends so that i can lie in (only until 8 or 9 though, i think 12 is ridiculous now you have DC)

It sounds like that wouldn't work in your family so can you compromise somewhere else? For example, why are you doing all the childcare even after he's home? Could your compromise be that you get a decent chunk of time to yourself in the afternoon / evening while he looks after DC?

Thinking about it from a totally different angle, is cosleeping an option for you? When DS is particularly unsettled I sleep in the spare bed in his room rather than get up & down like a yo yo.

I don't think lying in until midday is really feasible when you have young kids. How would you anyway? Whenever I try to have lie in my 2yo insists I get up and the noise they both make means I can't sleep anyway!

I wish he would cosleep ATUA. He did cosleep till he was about 8 months old and then i swear he turned into this wriggly monster and so he was transferred to the cot. I have on the odd occasion taken him into bed if i cant get him settled after half an hour but coming into our bed seems to wake him up and then he thinks its play time/crawl over dp to press all the buttons on the alarm clock .

I think this is why im more pissed off than anything, because coupled with the fact that i do nearly all the childcare stuff, and work, (actually forgot to mention that for the last 6 weeks have been working fulltime 9-5 to cover sick leave/holidays, but usually am only part time), it feels like he's not pulling his weight. But sometimes i just think, if we were to separate (not that we would but if) then I would expect he would have dcs a couple of times a week and he would have to somehow cope then all by himself as well as having a house to run after.

My other dc was 10 before dc2 was born and come weekends, would usually sleep to 12 as well. Those were the days. DC1 clearly took after me .

Perhaps the fact that I was a single parent with dc1 till he was about 4, i thought things would be vastly different with dc2, but it doesn't feel that much like it, childcare wise. And i was spoilt by dc1, he would sleep from 10 till 10 when he was a baby/toddler.

Sorry Titty but I just laughed out loud at that last post. Our DS also sees alarm clocks, phones, light switches etc as toys We're on holiday this week and there's a loft conversion with blackout blinds - total revelation! He can't see anything to get distracted by so is settling much more easily than normal. I'll be buying some as soon as I'm home.

Have you actually tried the "if we were to split.." line on DP? Or asked cor his help in the evening? Mine has been through useless phases but clicks into action when faced with a genuine, "I really need your help" conversation.

Good luck. I really do feel for you.

Another thought... Is there anyone else who could help? My parents are on holiday with us at the moment and it's AMAZING. Mum has endless energy with DS so although I'm still up all night I could have the midday lie ins if I wanted (she'd be delighted to have her DGS to herself!) Or could DP just take one days leave and do the night wakings the night before? Even just one full nights sleep might help you.

ATUA, doesn't help that alarm clock is a cd player type one, isn't the first time foo fighters have started blaring at 2 in the morning Oh well, im sure I'll look back in a few months time and laugh at my sleep deprived rants! I feel better knowing im not the only one :)

I think he should cover Friday night to support you and give you a break. You are obviously at breaking point and need him to be more thoughtful.

its a tricky one. If your dh has a manual job and gets up at four I would not expect him to do the nights. However I would expect him to help in the evenings and do one weekend night and let you have a lie in. I think yabu not counting a lie as such unless its til 12.
My dh works until 1am. I work full time as well, getting up at 5.45 each day. he gets up around 6.30- 7am to get dd to school. When I get in, dh goes to work Tues, weds, Thurs, fri. On a Saturday I get up with the kids at around 6am and let him sleep in as he will be working Saturday night. I also do the same on Sunday. This means I never get a sleep in. But I don't expect dh to get up with the kids after only 4/5 hours sleep. The difference is that if we don't have plans I go back to bed on Sunday afternoon for 2 hours. When I am off work, if he is not working that night he will let me lie in. Dh likes getting up to see to ds in the night (weirdo), so its a case of who hears him gets up. Dh is always the one to tell me to go have a nap as he appreciates that ibam knackered after getting up early all week.
its difficult to make it fair. Fair would be me getting a weekend sleep in and dh getting one. But as he gets in so late i don't feel that is fair. We do the best we can and are both happy. Fair doesn't always mean equal. It works for us. Maybe you need to work out something. If i were you i wouldn't expect him to do it if it was a work day the next day. But i would be pissed off if dh slept in til 12. He has the sense to get up at a reasonable time so he can spend time with us.

Jeezo the phone is a nightmare with dc2 at the mo. We just had a cheapie old one with the curly wire (i.e. not wireless) but dc2 has pulled it down so many times he broke it and we have now upgraded to a cordless which has a tiny base so fits on the high shelf so dc2 cant reach it. And dont even mention my mobile!

It must be a general fascination with pressing buttons :)

can you not compromise?
my dh doesn't wake at night due to the meds he is on, so I do all night timew aking always have(dd is 17 but disabled so wakes at night) so he covers me If I need to catch up by having a nap or lie in.

Just in case it helps, this is what we do - DH works with heavy machinery all day, 45 min commute.

We coslept until 7mo, 6 months of which DH slept in the spare room.

I get up in the night during the week (DH might at wkends), as DH isn't safe at work if he's tired, and he's a bit of a delicate flower. DH naps on the sofa in the evening, goes to bed by 11. He does wake if DS does, but can easily turn over and get back to sleep, whereas I'm an insomniac currently getting to sleep at 02:30.

On weekdays he wakes at 6am, leaves 06:30. If DS (13mo) wakes before he leaves, he brings him in to me for boob.
I don't work, so have DS all day. DH gets home about 5:30pm, I do DS's supper, DH does his bath at 6:30. I feed DS before putting him down.
DH makes supper, and washes up.
At weekends, one of us brings DS into bed for boob 6:30/7ish, then DH (who is an early bird and has trouble lying in) will often take him downstairs for an hour or two, and give him breakfast while I nap. I sometimes take DS down if DH is managing to sleep in.

DS has been sleeping through lately, but when he was waking a lot at night I was a zombie. If I had been working, I would have been massively unimpressed if DH wasn't pulling his weight during the evenings, and no help at weekends.
In fact, I was. Then we had a massive row, and he started doing bathtime.

He needs to do the weekend night wakings.

You each get a lie in at the weekend til 8/9 one day each and then you get a 12noon lie in as a Mothersday and Birthday treats...redeemable when you want!

Am pretty sure that you can use Piriton for an 18 mth old. We used it for DD when she was 15 months. Unless they have changed the age.

at the moment dp does no nights. And in the evenings childcare is left to me. Even at weekends, dp will play for a wee while with dc2 but things like nappy changing, cleaning/clothing, feeding, is all left for me,which i dont mind so much if I weren't so cranky from sleep deprivation!

Thanks pudding. Will check out piriton, we have a varity of hayfever tablets and they are all for over 2's who must weigh over 30kg (which seemed quite a lot as ds2 is 15kg and he is over the 95 percentile and I can't see him doubling his weight in the next 6 months!). But just google piriton and they do a syrup so will look out for that next time im at the shops.

That doesn't sound fair to me really. Your DH should help out a bit in the evenings and then give you a proper break at some point over the weekend. My wife gets a 1pm lie in sometimes, because she needs it. Has your DH had the baby on his own for a decent stint yet? Don't think i really got how hard it is until I did a full day alone.

I do agree that a 10hr manual day plus 2 hours driving is tough. But if you're struggling then it's his role as a husband and father to see that and support you by adjusting a little.

titty While I agree he prob shouldn't be doing night wakings during the week, it is a bit shit that he doesn't lift a finger for his own child in the evenings. He's home at 4, he's got enough time to chill out before helping with supper/bath etc. And wtf is the deal with him not doing basic tasks at the wkend? How is he not capable of giving the DCs breakfast and getting them dressed?
Tbh he's acting like a lodger, not a dad, sorry if that sounds rude.

I think you need to let go of the 12o'c lie in idea, and go for a 9o'c lie in while he looks after the DC. He might complain at first, but tell him you need to give it a trial for a month, I bet he'd find his feet quickly. I liked the sound of you telling him what he'd have to do if he was a single dad, even if they were just visiting at the weekends - wow that would be a shock to the system!

Your P is not pulling his weight. Having a job is not a justification for being a passenger at home, he needs to do his share, which is sufficient childcare and domestic work for you and him to have the same amount of leisure time ie no chores or childcare, and if at the moment you want to spend yours sleeping, that's fine.

I'm sure you can use piriton for an 18 month old and it usually makes them sleepy, but a fair few become hyperactive instead.
So, hope for the former, but be prepared for the latter!

9am is a glorious lie-in in our house! My dh works long hours (not 4am though - that's harsh!) he gets up at 6am for work, I get up about 7am. We take it in turns for a lie - one day each at the weekend. This is never till 12 I would add (unless through severe illness!). We would both feel half the day was wasted.

I think the parental sleep-wars are a big thing - you need to stop 'battling' with him. Start working together if you possibly can. Sharing weekend lie-ins (even if it's not till 12, is a good start.) I think YANBU because if one parent is drop-dead tired, then something is wrong. Explain to him calmly that you work too, and you can't go on like this, and see if he'll agree to the one-day-lie-each at weekends. tbh my dh is really good - he works long hours and I'm a sahm, but he will still tuck dd back in some nights if he wakes first.