Two incidents with family WIBU?

[mallorykane]

Incident number one

My dsis cannot have children. She rarely sees mine because it hurts her too much and I am very understanding about this. I am a lone parent, one of my children is disabled. She does not really like me talking about them and she does not have any kind of relationship with them. Until this weekend she had not seen them in a year. We were out on Sat night. I was tired and started to flag around 11.00 pm. She asked me what was wrong and I said I was a bit tired. This the convo that followed:

Dsis: (sharply) Why are you tired fgs?! its only early!"

Me: "I always flag about now, the kids really wear me out"

Dsis: Well they are not even here! They are taken care of fgs! How can they be tiring you out when they are not even here???!

Me: "You don't understand, its just the long term relentlessness of it all......." I was not allowed to finish

Dsis: "No I don't understand and I NEVER BLOODY WELL WILL BECAUSE I CANT HAVE KIDS CAN I? CAN I?

I just looked at her and did not reply and then changed the subject. While I understand how difficult is for her, I am not sure that I should have apologised for what I said or if I said anything wrong at all. I think I was expected to though as she has been slightly frosty with me ever since.

Incident Number Two.

Parents: Mallory give your dog your pudding bowl to lick out (had some of a honey based dessert left in it).

Me: No I dont like him having sweet things as he only has a few teeth left now (very old dog) and the vet told me not to.

Parents: (To dog) Do you want the pudding bowl

Me: Please do not give dog the pudding bowl its bad for his teeth

Parents: Its only honey, honey doesnt have sugar in it! (shouting)

Me: How does honey not have sugar in it?

Parents: FGS keep your hair on!!!!

Me: I am fine, I just do not want my dog to have a sweet item to eat

Massive sulks for rest of evening from parents and still not talking to me now, three days later.

I am laughing reading this back to myself, the one about the honey I mean. But this is my family. Very quick to take offence and I usually apologise. On these two occasions for some reason I felt quite strong and I decided not to. I really did not feel I did anything wrong. But I will leave it with you MN to decide. Was I being unreasonable here?

Sorry its so long, I kept it as brief as I could.

Wow, they really treat you like something that came off their shoe

Since when was it a good idea to feed a dog anything other than meat, since they're carnivorous? And your sister has no right to speak like that, no matter what her issue.

Would your life really be that much worse if you saw less of these people?

I wonder if your sister takes it all out on you because she can? You're a tool for her to vent all her anger and frustration at and use, while if she did it at anyone else they would tell her to piss off.

Which is, incidentally, what you should do. It's not healthy for either of you.

Your sister sounds like a pain in the arse. Sure you feel for her and her issues but fuck me is she actually going to spend the rest her life pretending your kids, which are part of your whole family, don't exist? What do your parents say about her behavoir?
The dog thing YAsoNBU- dogs licking out of your bowls vile just vile.

Okey Dokey I think I'll start looking at mini bus hire - might be a few of us .

Can just imagine it - This weeks special offer - BOGOF on our new line of supportive in-laws - trade-in your old interfering ones and we'll throw in a 16 yr old neice who just loves babysitting.

YANBU with your parents.

With your sister - I have recently had a baby after 10 years of trying so I know how childlessness feels but still think she is being dreadful refusing to see your children or allowing you to talk about them. Uou have to be sensitve towards people but it's not fair for her to expect you to do that, she's also being silly because she could get so much pleasure out of her nieces/nephews if she didn't do this.

BUT the worst thing you can ever do to a woman who can't have children is say 'You don't understand' or 'You don't know' as they're perfectly aware of that and it really feels like you're rubbing it in their faces and saying 'I know all this stuff you'll never know, you'll never be a mother and you'll never understand all this and I am superior because I do.'

You may not have meant that but an awful lot of people do and it get said to you ALL the time when you are childless and it is unpleasant and quite distressing. She is being a cow about your kids but it's worth remembering not to say things like that to childless women as it can be really, really hurtful.

See, maybe I am immature but the point that gets my back up is when people say Im being stupid about something that is mine.,.. So the dog thing - It pisses me off when people ask if something is ok (because its my decision being my dog) and then when I say no start going on stupid. Esp when it means licking out of a bowl that you also eat out of?!?!

Im Pg and already having similiar discussions around my unborn child. ie "will you let the baby have coke when its a toddler? (family member knows this is a red rag to me, really I shouldnt react and spoil their fun!) me - No I do not intend on giving my toddler coke. Them - oh why?!?! it never did my any harm etc etc.

And your sister not being able to have children is very unfortunate. It is also not your problem. To be honest if she is having such a hard time dealing with it (understandably Im sure it must be awful) perhaps she would benefit from counselling?

so no YANBU

When I said "you don't understand" I did not mean you don't understand the difficulties I have because you do not have children, I was saying you don't understand what I am trying to say in this moment because you are cutting me off. iyswim?

I try my very best to understand and that's why I don't make it an issue that she had not seen them for a year. It pisses other family members off and I always, always stick up for her.

I do think that I am perceived as being the weaker one in the family as coupledom is very integral to our family and if you are not in one then you are looked down on a bit I think. Very old fashioned views, although they do not blame me for leaving ex to clarify, they just have this perception of me as not being quite equal iyswim?

So I think there is some truth in those that have mentioned a certain lack of respect towards me.

Mindyourownbusiness, please can I book my seat on the bus? I could spend a fortune in FunctionalFamilies R Us - do you think they do loyalty cards?

OP, YANBU. Your sister is being horrible and unfair and your parents are being silly. I'm interested in the question above - what do your parents make of your sister's behaviour towards her nieces / their grandchildren?

Counselling about the issue may help your sister but I doubt she'd appreciate you telling her that. Is there any way of showing her how she could benefit from time with your children, arrange a day out or something?

Perhaps you could benefit from reading up about assertiveness - I would have been tempted to confront your parents in DogBowlGate and say "Why did you ask me, if you were going to ignore what I said? Please don't ask the dog, he's deaf".

It was certainly clear that the dogs answer (had he been capable of giving one) would have carried more weight than mine!

My parents get pissed off that she doesn't bother with the kids but I play it down because I do understand. Beginning to think that I have played it down to much to her though and she is taking the piss!

I don't know how your sister feels as fortunately I have never been in her position.
But as she is in that postition, what a wasted opportunity she has had not getting to be part of your children's lives.

Stop sticking up for her, family supports each other through thick & thin yet she acts as though you should apologise for your kids very existence. Sod that! Give her an infertility counselling card & have done with her till she resolves her issues.

She'd understand if she ever did the sisterly thing and helped mind them for you etc, esp as you are lone parent & one has SN. At the moment any support is only going one way. My sisters both revelled in the birth of my son, for different reasons both at the time thought motherhood would be denied them. One got lucky and we are all revelling in a second member of the new generation.

Your parents need to get a grip too. Your dog, your rules - it's not complex. After all honey is hardly a key component of a dog's diet.

ok - as someone who watched their sister have kids when unable to have my own, it was much harder than other people's because i kept thinking I should be able to - we have the same genes. BUT I still tried to build a realtionship with my nieces.

I get what you mean about couples being more valued - I rarely visit my parents with dh, and I def. get treated like an awkward teenager when by myself, but listened to more when he's around. A woman without a man just isn't really a grown-up in their eyes.

I now take the view that I would never cut them off, but nor will I apologise for being me. So, they can put up with my failings as I put up with theirs.

oh dear.

your sister doesn't have any right to tell you that you can't be tired! she was extreme in her response. you do not need to apologise.

your parents - why do they expect a dog to lick from your pudding bowl? is it disposable? if not, why are they sharing crockery with dogs? and why do they expect you to do the same? i don't like the sound of it. reminds me of my former in-laws - mil's best trick? she let the dog get at the christmas roast, then just cut the chewed bits off and served the rest to her guests. without telling them. so they had no chance to turn it down. disgusting.

you will want to keep in touch with these people because they are family and you might occasionally get some support from them. but emotionally, take a step back and don't let them hurt you.

yanu. You can't change your sis, it's too bad she can't be fully supportive to you.

Your parents sound controlling; can't change them either; I'd pretend the whole thing never happened.

yanBu (!!)

My dog licks our plates ,I do wash them before I use them again though in anti-bac to be safe ;0)

the sis thing ,theres not much you can do ,its not your fault that she wont know what its like to feel tired even when they arent there

Families suck!!

Mallorykane, I just don't get your sis. My sis had managed to have 2 babies while I had two miscarriages. I just poured all the love I could not give to my babies to my nephews!!
We then got pregnant within weeks of each other and my sis did the whole competative parenting thing, I bowed out! I still adore all 3 of my nephews.

This is family. Most families are funny / irritating / crazy in their own ways.
Your sister does sound a bit OTT though- maybe some bonding needed to get her to unfreeze!

YANBU, and your sister can indeed share the joy of sleepless nights and spit up, it's called adoption. Just because she didn't spawn the child doesn't mean it won't make her into a zombie at 11!

And YANBU about the dog either, my dog would eat anything handed to her, so I do have to stop people from giving her stuff. Especially at the table, as it just makes for a drooling, whimpering dinnertime.

Your sister needs a good kick up the twinkle and your parents need shooting. It's pretty clear (sorry) that the root of this whole business is your parents' idea that women are incubators, not people, and that a woman needs a male owner. Your sister will have been being reminded by them constantly that she has failed in life as she hasn't given birth, hence her bitterness and spite - but she's an adult, she can sort herself out, and if she doesn't sort herself out she's going to end up miserably lonely. Not because she has no children, but because she's let herself turn into a bitter, whining, self-obsessed bully when there are so many more healthy and positive ways to deal with the misery of being childless when you didn't want to be. Your parents think that you are not a complete person, and that as there is no male owner in your life to control and modify your behaviour, they are going to continue treating you as a child or an idiot and refuse to allow you to make any decisions for yourself while they are there.

YANBU.

The parents and the dog - I think that is a grit your teeth job. A case of parents thinking you are 12 and they still know best.

Your relationship with your sister is a big problem though.

YANBU in the slightest and reading between the lines, your sister seems to be using her infertility as a weapon to control and bully you with. Whilst what she went through must be awful, it is absolutely not your fault and certainly not that of your children. Her problems must be very difficult to terms with, but it does not give her Carte Blanche to take it out on everyone with a working set of ovaries. Failing to appreciate that caring for any child, let alone one with a disability is exhausting is so self-absorbed or so selfish that she

To try and prevent you from talking about your children and basically trying to pretend they don't exist would be a deal breaker for me. I'd sit her down and explain that you and your children are a family unit and you either accept all of us or none of us. If she can't bring herself to have a cordial relationship with your kids, then cut her loose.

You were NOT wrong. Fact.