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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH could have sorted something for dinner?

82 replies

justtryingtodomybest · 06/06/2012 18:15

I have been away since Friday visiting my sister and got back just before 5pm after a 3 hour drive.

Before I left, I cleaned the house from top to bottom and made sure there was plenty of food in the house for DH.

We don't have any DCs so, when I was away, all he needed to do was look after himself and feed the cat.

I've just asked him what is for dinner and he just shrugged his shoulders. Is it too much to expect him to have bought something in so I don't have to go back out to the shop? I'm tempted to nip out for a takeaway and not get him anything - childish I know!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/06/2012 00:31

How exactly was OP 'being kind' by cleaning the house? It's her house too, no? That sounds along the lines of 'men babysitting their own children'...

Safire · 07/06/2012 07:00

OP I totally get you and I think YANBU, but perhaps you need to set out your expectations in future since he clearly doesn't get it!

Hope you got him a takeaway too - you then have the advantage of the moral high ground when you come to tell him how disappointed you are.

ImperialBlether with respect, unless you know something about OP in RL that the rest of us don't I think you are putting a quite unnecessary slant on this incident.

Cockwomble · 07/06/2012 11:43

The only thing the OP wanted was for their to be something in for dinner, not to have it prepared and on the table. She even said she'd have cooked it. It's the lack of consideration and thought.

It's not too much to expect a grown man to be able to think "hmm there's no food in, I'll grab some on the way home / contact DW to ask her to collect something on her way home / fuck it we'll go out for dinner."

A penis does not prevent this from happening as one person suggested.

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 11:56

"How exactly was OP 'being kind' by cleaning the house? It's her house too, no?"

She was being "kind" by leaving the house in a pristine state so the man could enjoy it while she was away.

Similarly she filled the larder with food so the man's need for sustenance was catered for.

Yet she came back to a house with no food to eat.

Was it as clean as she'd left it? I doubt it.

So he spent the weekend dirtying the house she made clean, eating the food she provided, and yet he couldn't even leave enough for her to prepare a single meal on her return.

He didn't even need to make special arrangements - just not eating every bloody thing in the house (provided by her) would have been enough.

Instead he expected that she would come back and sort out more meals for him.

OP - never have children with this man. Seriously.

redskyatnight · 07/06/2012 12:02

5pm is not late. I don't always know what I am doing for dinner at 5pm. pre-DC I had even less idea.

Sounds quite likely that DH went out to work, got home and hadn't yet thought about it.

If I'd been working and my OH came in after a weekend's jolly and demanded to know "what's for dinner?", I suspect I might not instantly jump to sort something out.

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 12:04

Communicate more clearly - you could have rung him before you left and asked him to get something for dinner as you would be tired.

He was working, not sitting on his bum at home doing nothing.
He could have checked with you, yes. But he's not a mind reader.

Rilson · 07/06/2012 12:10

I would have cleaned and got food in too,not because DH wouldnt have been able to do it but just to be kind.If he was staying at the house while I was away but he was working its one less thing to do.

I would also have just come home and said 'You have worked all day,I have had a long drive.....lets get a takeaway'

Job done.

BegoniaBigtoes · 07/06/2012 12:10

We have bread in the freezer and baked beans in the cupboard. If nobody can be arsed to make the tea (it happens...) then that's our tea. (The DC love it, fortunately :))

In this situation I'm not sure who's BU, maybe neither of you. You both want to other one to make the tea. Get the beans out!

Dropdeadfred · 07/06/2012 12:15

I would have spoken to dH in phone to let him know my eta and then brought up the subject of dinner

DumSpiroSpero · 07/06/2012 12:16

Your DH is a chef - now that makes total sense.

Mine is also a chef and at home he barely knows his way round the kitchen beyond putting the kettle on. He is making pizza with DD at the moment (the first time he has ever cooked with her - she's nearly 8) and the number of times he's had to come and ask me where stuff is is just not true.

I have been known to get home from a full day at work and discover that he's about to send DD off to Brownies on a cheese sarnie (in the middle of winter), because it was too much effort to open the freezer and stick some chicken goujons on a tray and a potato in the microwave.

Just get a takeaway - it's probably not worth an argument. When I've been on reception at work all day I can't be arsed to answer the phone of an evening which is much the same thing I s'pose!

AllPastYears · 07/06/2012 12:23

"But he's not a mind reader."

He doesn't have to read her mind. Dinner happens every day, yes? No reading of minds required. There was no food - because he had eaten it all. Ditto, no mind-reading required.

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 07/06/2012 12:25

Hi DH, on your way home from work, can you pick up something from the shops for supper tonight? I'm knackered after driving all that way.

Hi DH, shall we pick up a takeaway tonight? etc

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 12:36

He found his way around the kitchen all weekend while he was eating all the food the OP had left for him.

saintmerryweather · 07/06/2012 12:49

if im coming home from a long drive ill ring whoever is at home and make it clear im not eaying on the way and ill require dinner. otherwise i dont get any. yabu.

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 12:50

If your dh doesn't usually cook at home, then it's natural to assume you'd be home in time to cook the dinner.

He was thoughtless, but it's not like he cooked himself a 3 course meal and did nothing for you.

ClaireBunting · 07/06/2012 12:50

Don't sweat the small stuff, OP.

Cockwomble · 07/06/2012 13:00

I am SO sick of posters on this thread saying the OP should have contacted the husband first.

FFS is he INCAPABLE of realising there's no food in? He eats dinner most days I'd imagine, so the idea is not a new one.

When the subject of dinner came up the DH's input was to shrug.

"I've just asked him what is for dinner and he just shrugged his shoulders"

SHE asked HE didn't bother to put in anything useful such as "lets get a takeaway."

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 13:16

"He was thoughtless, but it's not like he cooked himself a 3 course meal and did nothing for you."

It is like that!

He cooked all the food the OP left in the house and left nothing for her.

And you absolutely should sweat the small stuff pre-children.

If he's this lazy and thoughtless now when you are two independent adults with no ties sharing a house, you do not want to parent with this guy.

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 13:20

But why did you make sure there was plenty of food in the house before you left?

Was it because he's rubbish at remembering to get food, or because you always do the shopping or because you thought it was just a kind gesture?

He could have got something in, but he probably didn't think about it because you normally organise everything? If that's the case, stop doing so much and delegate. But he'll be used to you doing all the thinking so he won't use his initiative.

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 13:23

"But he'll be used to you doing all the thinking so he won't use his initiative."

Men who don't expect women to skivvy after them are not so quick to switch off their brains when it comes to domestic tasks.

Seriously - find a nice independent man who looks after himself and is kind to you.

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 13:35

Seriously? This has turned into a "leave the bastard" .

PenelopeChipShop · 07/06/2012 13:36

I totally see where the OP is coming from, that would annoy me as well - not as a one-off, but if it happened all the time. Reading between the lines here I suspect it does. All she's really asking for is some consideration so she doesn't have to shoulder full responsibility for what are really joint responsibilities. As others have said people do traditionally eat dinner every night, it's hardly unusual!

It takes one to know one, unfortunately this is exactly the kind of scenario that happens a lot in our house. I wish I had an answer to it but I don't and in our case it happened naturally - I happen to care more about eating healthy, fresh food so I therefore ensure that there is nice food in the house and make an effort to cook dinners that involve vegetables, salad etc and actually require effort. My DH enjoys stuff I make but I suspect left to his own devices would just live on frozen food and occasional pasta dishes. On the extremely rare occasions that my dinner is cooked for me it would only ever be something like a frozen pizza or a ready meal. I do get really tired of it so I do sympathise. I suggest you need to talk to him if you're finding this happens all the time.

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 13:36

It's a case of busman's holiday isn't it - he's cooked all day, he can't be arsed to think about cooking dinner when he gets home from work.
Just be glad he isn't a gynaecologist.

AThingInYourLife · 07/06/2012 14:01

I didn't say he was a bastard, just that there are better men out there.

If the OP wants children, she'd be well advised to find one of them to do parenting with.

SunRaysthruClouds · 07/06/2012 14:39

That's pretty impressive AThing

You managed to conclude that this man is not worthy of OPs love just because he shrugged his shoulders about food at 5pm after working as a chef while she had been out jollying. I don't think we know much more about him.

Since when was it a problem that food was not organised at 5pm when there are no kids around? Agreed you need to be more organised when kids arrive but before that be wild - OP you could even think about, you know, eating late! or going out!

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