..to try and make my sister realise how important it is for her to lose weight?

[MsElisaDay]

The facts are these: my sister is 5ft 5ins tall and 19 stone, giving her a BMI of 44. She is only 22 years old and has been constantly gaining weight since she was about 18, when she was a healthier size 14/16.

Myself and the rest of the family are desperately worried about her as her health is now really beginning to suffer, and presumably will only become worse as she gets older.
She can walk only a short distance before becoming out of breath; she avoids going up stairs at all, and she's also now been prescribed inhalers for asthma, which she never needed when she was lighter. She does no exercise at all and will make excuses to get taxis even for what would be a five-minute walk.
In addition to this, the weight gain has exacerbated symptoms of PCOS and she now has a lot of excess dark hair on her face and the rest of her body. The doctor has told her that if she wants to conceive one day she will need to lose weight, but this doesn't seem to have had an effect.

In the last year alone she's gained around four stone, since she got together with her current boyfriend and they started living together.
The two of them view food as a "treat" and a way to show each other how much they care. As a result, they frequently go out to eat or get takeaways, buy each other chocolates and drink a lot of alcohol. If they go to the cinema they feel they're "missing out" if they don't have popcorn AND a large coke AND ice cream. Every leisure activity for them has to revolve around food. He is also chubby, but by no means obese - probably because he does a manual job.
Whenever she begins a diet, she does well in the first week, often losing 7 or 8lb, and then gives up. This is partly due to him, as he refuses to help her and brings takeaways into the house if she tries to cook healthy food. Any pleas to him fall on deaf ears - he says she'll lose weight "if she's ready" and doesn't seem to realise that she will struggle to do so with no support from him.

The rest of our family are perfectly healthy, eat well and do a lot of exercise. My mum and I are the same height as her and both weigh around 10 stone. In the past, any reference to her weight, even when put kindly, has made her cry, get defensive and say that we're "being mean."
We've tried all the obvious things to try and encourage her to be healthy, such as volunteering to go for walks with her, offering to go to WW/ Slimming World with her, buying her gym membership, and all the rest. We've also ignored it and not mentioned her weight at all for months on end, in the hope that she'd do something about it herself.
Nothing seems to have worked.

So am I being unreasonable to think that, now, something more drastic needs to be done? I don't know what, but she's gaining weight very quickly, is obviously very unhappy with herself and is getting no support from her waste-of-space boyfriend. Her weight now puts her in the morbidly obese category and this is very worrying as obviously the health implications are serious.
In addition, she's avoiding going out with friends, choosing instead to stay in every night with the boyfriend. She's given up on makeup and nice clothes altogether, whereas in the past she'd spend hours getting ready for a night out.

So AIBU to step in and try and do something at this point? Should I tell her what an absolute tool her boyfriend is?! Or should I leave it to her? Sorry for the length of the post...

Would she do zumba on the wii?

Take her out clothes & makeup shopping

She'll never bother while she feels so crap about herself

Unfortunately, much like with an alcoholic, there's diddly squat you can do until she wants to make the changes necessary as the only thing that would work for her would be a permanent change in her attitude to food. Even gastric banding doesn't work if the person who has it done is determined enough to get through lots of calories.

It sounds horribly like her boyfriend is a feeder - which is abusive in itself as he won't have her best interests at heart.

I'm sorry it's worrying you so much but other than being supportive and letting her know that you're there for her if/when she decides she's going to make the changes you really are powerless to help.

Have you ever heard of overeaters anonymous? It's a 12 step programme very similar to AA but centred on food. If/when she wants help you could mention it to her.

Speaking as someone similar size to your sister and with similar problems (but 30 yrs older) I have to say NOOOOO!

I understand exactly what you are saying but there is no way that you can tell her this without her feeling it is judgmental and insulting. No-one will ever lose weight for others, they have to do it for themselves.

I think you could tell her gently that you are worried about her and will support her in any way you can but I would focus that on the not going out, seeming unhappy, etc because, I promise you, the minute you mention her weight you'll have lost the battle.

you aren't being unreasonable.
think carefully about how you go about this - don't make her feel worse.
you might want her to have a gastric band - my doctor suggested it to me - but when you read up on it, its fairly unpleasant and people only lose weight because they have to drink a small amount of sludge and take nothing else. if you had the sludge without the band, you'd lose just as much weight.
the idea of taking her out for clothes, beauty treatments is a good one. and special events. a gig, cinema... book a week or two weeks ahead then she can decide for herself to 'diet until then'. that used to work for me.
how about something like meditation classes? and if you can get her to go to counselling that would really help.
also, teaching her that there are other treats besides food. or to replace 'treats' with chilled or iced water.
keep her busy and interested so she hardly notices that she's dieting, losing weight or whatever.

From personal experience, I would say back off. It's her life, her choice her problem.
When she IS ready then you'll be there,

When you're fat and strangers treat you like crap and make you feel bad and ugly, your family should be your refuge.

You can't make s ome one diet, stop smoking, give up booze, stop takin drugs.

Honestly, I see you mean well, I know exactly what you're saying, but it really really hurts when your family go against you... And that's how it will feel to her.

Be totally different if she was a child, she's an adult, she's happy (on the surface), her fella is happy. One day she will have an epiphany and you'll be there

and get her walking. anywhere. just a few steps more than usual.

sorry op, i don't think that you sound much better than the partner. he is a feeder and you and your family are obsessed by looks.

maybe you need to invite her out for a nice day on a regular basis, including lunch. no mention of shopping, exercise, weight or anything related, just nice days to bring her out of herself. try and help her to feel happy and see what develops from there. don't tell her anything, however gently. she knows what she needs to do, she doesn't need any extra pressure from you.

Creighton, I don't know where you got the idea that we're "obsessed by looks" from at all. I wish you could see a picture of me, and my mother has never worn makeup in her life!
My sister is entitled to look however she chooses, the worry here for all of us is her health.
I only mentioned the fact that she doesn't wear makeup any more as it used to be something she enjoyed. She's a real girly girl and used to be into hair, clothes and makeup (not like me at all, incidentally!) so, when she stopped, it suggested to me that she was feeling really crap about herself.
And I mentioned the size of myself and my mother as I thought it indicated that there wasn't an underlying genetic issue here - I didn't mean it to come across as vain.

In response to your second point, I do invite her for days out on a regular basis - we're often going to the theatre or cinema and there's no mention of weight or food.
I care about her an awful lot and can honestly say that her looks don't come into it - the weight issue, with the health problems it's bringing, is now far beyond that.

Do some of you even know what a "feeder" actually is? The person OP is describing is somebody who is not interesting in eating healthily himself, he's not forcing or co-ercing OP's sister into eating the same - hence, "She'll lose weight when she's ready". A feeder wouldn't say that. I really wish people would be more careful about bandying labels about so freely.

MsElisa... I know where you're coming from, it's a concern because your sister's actual health is suffering. If she were 19 stone and perfectly healthy, you wouldn't worry so much.

Could you perhaps suggest that she comes swimming with you as YOU want somebody to go with and you'd like to spend more time with her? Maybe have a spa day? Even just a regular meet-up for swimming - even if she eats a burger afterwards, she will soon (hopefully) develop a liking for the great feeling of health she'll get.

What other posters have said about her doing it when she's ready is perfectly right. She needs to want to do this for herself and telling her, trying to light a fire under her, pleading, shouting - none of this will make a blind bit of difference other than to alienate her from you. Don't - please don't - it really will not work.

If it were my sister, I'd tell her I love her, accept her just as she is, and would love to spend more time with her... you can then take turns choosing your activities.

Watching this thread with Interest, as although I'm not 19 stone, i do have a lot of baby weight to loose. Hoping the responses will cheer me on a bit.

One thing i have done is get a new hobby, instead of 'treating' myself with food, i do it with make-up which i love. So maybe she could get a new hobby.

She has to want to do it herself. You talking to her about it will have the opposite effect.

She will not lose weight unless she wants to. Telling her to lose weight over and over will do nothing except cause problems on your relationship with her. It is up to her how she lives her life and 'drastic action' is not up to you, what is drastic action anyway? If she were smoking would you take drastic action? Your her sister not a doctor.

Have a look at the information on the [[http://www.haescommunity.org/ Health at Every Size Movement]]. It encourages people to listen to their bodies and eat in relation to signs of hunger and to move more. It aims to improve health regardless of body size.

I agree that she needs to want to do this for herself but the fact that she has tried in the past suggests that at some level she does want to lose weight. But at 19 stone it probably feels like an insurmountable task. I was 17 stone at the beginning of the year so understand how that feels. I have lost just over two stone and am tackling it in small chunks.

I don't think you can bring it up to be honest as if she is not in the right frame of mind you will just make her defensive. And then she will feel crap and she will eat more to make her feel better. If she does bring it up ask her what you can do to be supportive.

I agree the boyfriend is not helping but it is really up to her. My DH is supportive but I don't expect him to stick to my diet. It's MY diet. So sometimes we eat different things. But I have realised that this is up to me. I'm doing it for me.

The best thing you can do for her is boost her self esteem. Telling her she's fat won't do that and is unnecessary. Trust me. She knows.

Leave it; I think she'll grow up when she needs to. Like you say you've done everything you can.

Perhaps you could have one last shot in the form of a summary of facts and pitch it in a 'I'm not going to say anything after this, but in case it's not been clear what my worries are, here they are:...'. And affirm that all this is because she means so much to you; it's not your desire to make her unhappy.

Creighton the OP's sister is morbidly obese and increasing in weight, and is seemingly cutting herself off... this has got nothing to do with looks FFS

OP I think helping your sis find new interests or hobbies is a great idea and something you should keep doing. Going to gigs, art classes, hair styling lessons etc that isn't food focused OR directly health focused. Get her out and about doing different stuff and hopefully improve her state of mind. Like you say it sounds like her self-esteem is really low and as that improves I'm sure her weight is likely to follow.

Bit random but does she like dogs? Could you take dogs at the local PDSA place for walks? That way it's more about the dog than the exercise IYSWIM

I've just had a look at over eaters annonymous as also have food issues but it sounds a bit religious cultish to me? 12 steps include lots about god and him helping.

I put the food in so I need to sort it out.

No no no...you will only upset her, she sounds as though she will be fully aware that she has an issue but your family should be the people who don't judge you no matter what. Not saying you are but that's how she'll feel.

Addictions are so sad

I would imagine a lot of feeders are secretive about what they're doing, so he may well pay lip service by saying 'she'll lose weight when she's ready' whilst actively contributing to the opposite. Maybe he's not a feeder, I don't know, never met the guy. Maybe he's the kind of bloke who likes to be their partner's carer. I've met a few men like that - consistently choose partners that have medical or psychological needs because it makes them feel in charge and needed.

PeanutButter - As an alcoholic who attends AA (me not you ) I can explain the god stuff if you like.

It's not a cult by any stretch although it can feel a little like that at first. They want nothing from you and if you walk away you will not be harassed by them.

The god mentioned in the steps is not a man sitting on a cloud (unless you want it to be). The term god is used in a very loose sense and you choose a god of your own understanding, your understanding of it will grow as you work the steps. It takes some people years to figure out what it means for them and it is not a constant, it is something that evolves over time. There are plenty of atheists who are working a 12 step programme as well as people from all religions and walks of life and no-one but no-one is excluded.

Hope that helps a bit, it's not a sad thing btw. 12 step programmes have been helping people climb out of addictions of all sorts for over seventy years.

You've done all right things imo - offering to do activities with her or joining WW etc.

I'd probably have one last try and sit her down for a talk. Tell her you love her to bits and you are sorry if she's going to get upset or angry...but you really want her to take her weight seriously.

If she carries on like this she will have serious health problems in 10/15 years time. But you know that.

Good luck.

yanbu, four stone in one year is a massive amount, if she continues gaining weight at this rate, in five years she will be 39 stone. When fat people get so large that they are bedridden and have to be cut out of their homes everybody wonders how their family never tried to intervene but the problem starts long before they get that big.

It's far kinder to point out a few extra pounds before the person gets fat than it is to tiptoe around until they have gorged themselves to the size of a small house. Your sister is enormous from overeating and already suffering health and mobility problems at just 22. That is a disgrace to be honest. Ignore her tears, she has no right to whine and cry when you point out the truth. She is disabling herself through greed and laziness and needs to hear that bluntly.

Chances are, with her attitude, she will be living full time in her bed covered in sores needing others to wash her and wipe her bum, before she realises she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own health, I'd still keep drumming it into her though on the off chance of some sense getting through before it gets to that stage.

The best thing you can do for her is raise her self esteem and help her sort out the issues that are causing her to overeat. The only person who can get her to lose weight is her, but she will only be able to do it when she feels good enough about herself.

Don't pay for a gym membership - offer life coaching or counselling if she wants it (not directly weight related ones).

I speak as someone who is obese but losing weight (2 1/2 stone so far).

Fat people know they're fat - they don't need it pointing out. It's not as though they haven't noticed.

Of course you're concerned but staging some sort of intervention won't make any difference.