..to try and make my sister realise how important it is for her to lose weight?

[MsElisaDay]

The facts are these: my sister is 5ft 5ins tall and 19 stone, giving her a BMI of 44. She is only 22 years old and has been constantly gaining weight since she was about 18, when she was a healthier size 14/16.

Myself and the rest of the family are desperately worried about her as her health is now really beginning to suffer, and presumably will only become worse as she gets older.
She can walk only a short distance before becoming out of breath; she avoids going up stairs at all, and she's also now been prescribed inhalers for asthma, which she never needed when she was lighter. She does no exercise at all and will make excuses to get taxis even for what would be a five-minute walk.
In addition to this, the weight gain has exacerbated symptoms of PCOS and she now has a lot of excess dark hair on her face and the rest of her body. The doctor has told her that if she wants to conceive one day she will need to lose weight, but this doesn't seem to have had an effect.

In the last year alone she's gained around four stone, since she got together with her current boyfriend and they started living together.
The two of them view food as a "treat" and a way to show each other how much they care. As a result, they frequently go out to eat or get takeaways, buy each other chocolates and drink a lot of alcohol. If they go to the cinema they feel they're "missing out" if they don't have popcorn AND a large coke AND ice cream. Every leisure activity for them has to revolve around food. He is also chubby, but by no means obese - probably because he does a manual job.
Whenever she begins a diet, she does well in the first week, often losing 7 or 8lb, and then gives up. This is partly due to him, as he refuses to help her and brings takeaways into the house if she tries to cook healthy food. Any pleas to him fall on deaf ears - he says she'll lose weight "if she's ready" and doesn't seem to realise that she will struggle to do so with no support from him.

The rest of our family are perfectly healthy, eat well and do a lot of exercise. My mum and I are the same height as her and both weigh around 10 stone. In the past, any reference to her weight, even when put kindly, has made her cry, get defensive and say that we're "being mean."
We've tried all the obvious things to try and encourage her to be healthy, such as volunteering to go for walks with her, offering to go to WW/ Slimming World with her, buying her gym membership, and all the rest. We've also ignored it and not mentioned her weight at all for months on end, in the hope that she'd do something about it herself.
Nothing seems to have worked.

So am I being unreasonable to think that, now, something more drastic needs to be done? I don't know what, but she's gaining weight very quickly, is obviously very unhappy with herself and is getting no support from her waste-of-space boyfriend. Her weight now puts her in the morbidly obese category and this is very worrying as obviously the health implications are serious.
In addition, she's avoiding going out with friends, choosing instead to stay in every night with the boyfriend. She's given up on makeup and nice clothes altogether, whereas in the past she'd spend hours getting ready for a night out.

So AIBU to step in and try and do something at this point? Should I tell her what an absolute tool her boyfriend is?! Or should I leave it to her? Sorry for the length of the post...

sposh I have great admiration for AA and the things it does for people with addictions. My DF was alcoholic but managed to abstain for many years before he died

I desperately need to do something about my obsession with food but guess I was surprised by the god references as I feel this is my problem and i cause it IYSWIM?

There is nothing more horrendous than watching someone you love doing something harmful to themselves, wether that's smoking, over eating or too much alcohol.

My dh put on a huge amount of weight when he gave up smoking.

I told him he needed to stop over eating but I also kept telling him I loved him and was only worried about his health.

The day dh said he wanted to stop I made sure there were no sugary things in the house. I think the fact the boyfriend is buying her inappropriate food when she is dieting, is awful. He should be supporting her to get healthy.

If I were you op I would have a chat. Tell her this the last time you will mention this. Tell her you love her and that once she decides to eat healthily you will do anything to help. Also that you only concerned because you are worried. Then give her a big hug and carry on as normal.

You can then only wait until she wants to do it.

Whether

Its a tricky situation. Obviously you are not being unreasonable to be concerned about her but you really need to think carefully before trying to 'fix' her life for her. Firstly because it will come across badly, she'll just feel that you are criticising her which will make her feel even worse and possibly exacerbate comfort eating. Secondly it won't work, she has to make the decision for herself that not only is she overweight but NOW is the time to do something about it.

I think you need to focus on the health and happiness side of things rather than mentioning her weight at all. Its not about how she looks, or what the scale says, its about her feeling good about herself and doing what she can to minimise the symptoms of PCOS. Has she had her thyroid function checked? I have had similar issues to your sister and I am hypothyroid. This is easily treated if it is the case for her.

I've always felt big and my eating has been hand in hand with low self-esteem. Though, unlike your sister, my family also struggle with their weight.

I put on a lot of weight in the few years after I left home. This was partly because I was able to choose my own food and pick things that had been rare treats at home. It was also partly because I picked up my DP (now DH)'s eating habits. He's not anything sinister like a 'feeder' or anything. Its just that he also has unhealthy eating habits and we both felt down a lot and used food to (temporarily) cheer us up.

I grew up in a big family. This means I can be a bit competitive about food (wanting to make sure I get my 'fair' share, not leaving things till later incase someone else has them, etc). This caused a big problem when I moved in with DH because although he isn't gaining weight on the amount he eats, if I eat the same as him (seeing it as 'fair') I gain weight. Its partly because women have lower calorie requirements than men, partly because I'm less active, and my thyroid probably doesn't help.

I eventually got to a BMI of 53. I had fertility problems too and we wanted to start a family. I knew for years that I was overweight and that I wanted to lose weight 'one day'. It doesn't matter how many people tell you that you are overweight, indangering your health etc. I knew I was. For me, depression was a big part of it, I was so desperate for any short-term comfort that I ate even though I knew it was making me unhappier in the long term.

I don't know what changed exactly, but I realised that I couldn't keep putting off 'one day' if I wanted a family (tick tock biological clock). I started tracking my weight on the wii fit and by cutting out snacks and reducing down my meal portion sizes I got my BMI to 39. Then I got pregnant. I've tried to keep my weight gain down in pregnancy and I'm looking forward to getting back to losing weight after baby is settled in so that I can get down to my target and stay there. Because when I was losing weight, I realised that not only did I want to have children, I also want to be an active parent whose a good role model to them.

I guess I'm trying to say two things. Firstly, its unlikely that her partner is evil. He's just got the same problem she has around food, but its affecting him less because as a man working a physical job he can get away with eating more. Yes he should be more supportive when she is trying to lose weight, but he's more likely to support her if the request comes from her. Secondly she needs to find her own motivation to do it, because its bloody hard, its changing your lifestyle forever (short term diet mentalities don't work with someone that overweight because even if they hit target, they then 'finish' the diet and go back to the one that made them overweight in the first place.

I really recommend that you avoid mentioning her weight, her diet etc unless she specifically asks for advice. She knows what she needs to do already and (however nicely you do it) it will just come across as criticism and dent her self esteem even more - resulting in more comfort eating.

Instead? Value her for who she is, and help her see it too. The good news is that as you don't share her eating habits, your company will be a positive influence, because you won't make everything you do together centre around food. Plan some days/evenings that are about something other than food, its okay if they include a light lunch. But even better if they naturally limit eating opportunities and involve some activity (doesn't have to be something obvious like a sport, can just be walking around an exhibition etc). If you are going to try something obviously sporty (dancing, swimming etc) then make sure that you don't frame it as 'I think it'd be good for you to do this to lose weight' instead try 'Ive always wanted to try x, I'd love you to come along too for company'.

If you show her that she's someone worth spending time with, then hopefully she will value herself too and start caring about herself again. Even if it doesn't work out immediately, at least you'll have more time together :) Keep trying, if she's shy and self concious then it might take her a while to respond.

Its great that you care but its a minefield so take it slowly and tread carefully.

PeanutButter - you may have caused it or maybe you weren't in control of it but a big part of the anonymous groups is that because of your powerlessness over the addiction you need help from something else (god/higher power) to get out of it.

I heard a great little quote the other day at a meeting - someone said 'it was like I had a god shaped hole in my soul and I was filling it with booze' Replace booze with food and does that sound like something you feel? It absolutely is not a religion but it is spiritual. You aren't expected to be a believer in god to go to a meeting, I would hazard a guess that most people don't believe in god at all, I certainly didn't. My sponsor said to me the other day that having a drink was like having a hug and in order not to have that drink I have to find that hug in another way and my growing belief in a higher power can provide it. I don't really want to go into what I believe god to be but it certainly isn't a person in any shape or form.

Sorry for derailing your thread MsElisaDay. I suppose this info might be useful for your sister if she ever thinks that overeaters anonymous might be for her but is put off by the god references. I was put off by them for a long time but eventually got a place where I was desperate and would have done anything to get myself into a better place.

I'm not sure splosh I think that saying I'm powerless against my addiction for me would maybe fuel the fire IYSWIM? "well I can't help it"
I thought that a big thing in beating an addiction was accepting responsibility?

Just trying to make sense for me, it obviously works well for lots of people.
Good luck in you're journey

Also sorry for derailing thread OP

You take responsibility for your actions and behaviour not for the addiction itself. I think a lot of people do use the powerlessness as an excuse to just not even try not to use whatever their substance of choice is but the key is that you have to want to stop which is why it's pointless trying to make someone stop addictive behaviour until they're ready to do it for themselves.

12 step programmes are just one way that can give people the tools they need to change their behaviour, there are other ways too. More than one way to skin a cat! People don't usually go to AA until they've tried just about everything else they can think of and still haven't managed to stay stopped for any length of time.

Thanks sposh have started a thread in chat so as not to derail OP.
I can't link as an a technophobe

bobbledunk I wonder if you have ever been seriously overweight. I wonder because the type of people for whom shaming them with words like massive, bedridden, cut from their homes, gorged, size of a small house, enormous, disgrace, greed, laziness help them to control their weight never get very overweight at all. Society already heaps lots of shame onto fat people. If shame worked we'd all be slim.

She already knows she is fat. If she didn't then her family buying her a gym membership and trying to sign her up for slimming world probably gave her a hint.

Words like yours mae fat people feel horrible about themselves and when they feel horrible, they often turn to food. It doesn't work. I was ashamed of being 'fat' when I was a 13 stone teenager. It didn't stop me from becoming a 22 stone 10lb adult. They weren't responsible for me losing 6 stone either.

Cruel words, however truthful you think they are, are counter productive. People need to care about themselves to take care of their bodies, words like yours feed self-hatred and make them feel powerless to change their habits.

Please, I'm not asking you to think that being obese is healthy (though some active rugby players and wrestlers probably fall foul of the BMI system) but to remember that obese people are people whose feelings not only matter, but are vital in empowering them to lose weight.

Did you mean to be so rude?

make*

I'm not saying that the OP is unreasonable for caring about her sister's health. But it would not be helpful for her to berate her sister as boobledunk has done.

Low cal for bobbledunk.

How is any of your post helpful

I just wanted to add I think her DP may simply be sticking up for her when he says she will lose weight when she is ready.

If anyone said anything to me about losing weight (BMI33) then DH would say I looked great and if I wanted to lose weight I would. He would say that even if I had been sobing into a bar of chocolate the night before about how large I was feeling. That is because he loves me.

He would and is massively supportive when I want to lose weight again

I'd rather be rude than watch my sister disable or kill herself tbh, I think people need to hear the truth even if they don't like it. Much preferable to deal with hurt feelings than weight induced immobility or a premature funeral. I think people need to toughen up. It is morally wrong to take a healthy, able body and disable it with laziness and greed. People should feel guilty about that. They are throwing away the health and opportunities that so many less fortunate people would love to have.

YANBU to be very concerned but.... this kind of change is something only she can decide to do.

At age 19, 5'2, I was 21st. I barely left the house, I lived with my parents and ddin't work for two years. Mainly because work was scarse but I was so worried about putting myself out there. I knew I was fat! I knew I was overweight, I cried myself to sleep when all of my family thought I was fine. My mum would 'help' by making semi-sarcastic comments then say nothing when I bought pizza and chips for tea. Thinking back, I think she didn't know what to say. She was and stil is quite big, maybe around 15st so not as big as me.

I know I was 21st because I was weighed in a hospital. At that point I was so far gone I didn't care, the number meant nothing. When you are that big whats another stone? Or two? No one woud notice if a 21st person put on a few pounds! And so it continued but I realised I was gradually cutting out foods, being more picky in what I ate. I gradually lost a bit of weight, got a job in a hotel. When I was 24 I lost the job and let myself go again- I never weighed but I think I probably went from 16st or so back up to 20ish.

One day I got dressed and walked just under a mile to my old secondary. I was almost in tears, in pain, puffing, feet aching. I hobbled walked home and the next day did the same. And the next, till I was able to walk the 3 miles to town. I got a job! Abroad! I'd always been too scared to get on a plane in case I didn't fit but I did it.

december last year I weighed in at 15st. Right now I'm 12st- I still have 3 or 4 to go but I'm getting there.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is sorry- in my case at least, there was absolutely nothing any other human being on the planet could have said to me to make me change. I needed to make that choice. right now I'm realy struggling with the weightloss as my motivation seems to have buggered off. And I have no idea how to get back to the mindset I was in in December! But I wil do, and I'll lose the rest. I just don't want to gain!

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I was in your sister's place but all I can say is, it's up to her. Once she does make the desision to change you can do so much to help- I'd really recommend Rosemary Conley classes as a great way to get a good, low-GI diet which really helped my own PCOS and to see other big people exercising. I'd also recommend mentioning the idea of exercise DVDs, it's funny but until I started the classes I had no idea they existed! So much better to do it all in my own home.

OP I read your post and sympathised with every word. I could write an almost identical one for my own sister and it's breaking my heart. We've tried everything in our family to help our sister too. The worst bit is that at 25 she has never had a boyfriend because her self esteem is so crippling low, and it really is painful watching someone you love struggle with food addiction and obesity. The doctor has warned my sister she is very much at risk of type 2 Diabetes too.

No advice, but just wanted to post and say YANBU, I completely understand and hope that both our loved ones can turn this around for themselves. It's really helpful reading some of the replies on here too.

I did post further up, but i have a family member like ladyrabbit who has gotten to the stage where he is diabetic. He eats and eats still, i have mentioned the adverse side effects, but he doesn't listen at all. I know he will never stop eating, and if I'm honest along with his other health problems (bad heart) this will probably contribute to his death.

Its sad, and an addiction like anything else, even more so as its very available, i mean compared with a strong drug addiction. Over-eaters have to go food shopping and face temptation. Drug addicts don't have to walk though shops with coke/smack/meff stacked on every shelf!

gmweasley, your account is inspirational. well done. you'll get there. maybe i will, too.

sposh You are right about food being an addiction. Some people smoke or do drugs, some drink, some eat.
She has to want to change herself. There is nothing OP can do other than boost her confidence like others have said.

bobbledunk I don't think you read my post apart from the cheeky, 'did you mean to be so rude' at the end.

My point isn't that being large isn't damaging her health or happiness and possibly shortening her life.

It is that she already knows this, and nagging at someone to lose weight does not work and can make them more unhappy and when large people with bad relationships with food feel unhappy they eat more. Even though they know it is hurting them.

In order to care about looking after her own body and health, she has to see that she is a human being worth looking after. Telling her how awful and immoral she is won't give her the courage to change her life. It has to be about raising her self esteem and giving her hope that she can change things as well as support to do it when she's ready.

I sometimes wonder about those people who think that shaming people for being fat is somehow good for the person being verbally abused. Do they also go around town on a friday night and try and shame those who have drunk more alcohol than is healthy for them, do they berate smokers, do they shame those who have an 'underweight' BMI, do they tell off people who risk their able bodies by doing extreme sports?

I'm sure your comments come from a genuine belief that fat people are harming themselves. This is sometimes the case (othertimes, they are already losing weight, they are ill - say with a metabolic disordern or they are healthy at a larger body size than our society currently says is acceptable), the problem is that you seem to think they don't know it and that telling them so will cause them to rethink their lifestyle and lose weight. It doesn't. It just makes them feel more powerless and depressed.

Is your goal to shame people and make them feel horrible or to inspire them to become more healthy? If its the latter then you need a different tactic.

Despite all the worthy health science about obesity, despite all the fashion magazines and lifestyle adverts telling us beauty = unachievably thin, despite all the diets faddy and unfaddy, despite all the healthy food, despite all the names fat people are called, despite being the butt of comedy sketches, despite discrimination based on the shape of people's bodies, despite the tv shows which display larger bodies as objects of horror and disgust, despite children as young as 5 beliving the worst thing that could happen to them is to be fat, and girls as young as 9 having been on 'a diet' to lose weight, despite all the money spent on diet books, exercise plans and bariatric surgery... despite all that there are more people suffering from obesity and at the other end, eating disorders. Society needs some new tactics too.

P.s. I'm not saying that all large people are depressed, but what I am saying applies to those who are.

I don't know Spirited - I've read accounts of people losing colossal amounts of weight after experiencing abuse in public and the shame and distress of it spurring them into action. Not that I'm advocating being insulting or anything! Actually I'm firmly of the belief that over eaters are similar to other addicts - they cannot be helped until they accept they have a problem and ASK for help. And that generally this help must come from outside the family. I speak as the sister of an alcoholic and as someone who has married into a family affected by obesity and it's associated health problems.

It's incredibly hard to stand by and watch the person you love putting their health at risk in this way. Excruciating sometimes. It took me a long time to accept the sadness I felt about my sisters alcoholism and the fact I couldn't make her stop drinking. It took a lot of work to get to that point of acceptance and still be able to love her and not feel angry with her.

spirited awesome post

OP a while ago in the recovery phase after an accident and surgery (I was overweight to start with) I put lots of weight on quickly....through immobility, through having nothing else to do but eat and watch tv, through depression that I knew I was getting even bigger and everyday I'd promise myself I'd start a diet tommorow and then fail because of the above, making me hate my weak self even more. It was a daily monologue going on in my head that I shouldn't eat but "fuck it" I'm miserable I'll start tommorow.

DM out of concern when helping me to change mentioned that I really needed to start and eat healthily.

I can't even say how awful it made me feel, and resulted in lots of sobbing from me. She was speaking in my best interests because she loves me, worried etc BUT

I knew how fat I'd got and just confirmed for me how useless and disgusting I was if even my DM thought I should loose weight

I Absolutely know this was an over reaction but I as many other with obesity have such a skewed addictive relationship with food and almost an addiction to over eating. It's not just a case of "oh she should eat less"

I don't know what the answer is as obesity is damaging to us and our loved ones.

For me a holiday has done it and thinking that maybe I'm not useless and can do it. Onwards and downwards

Good luck OP....be kind to your sister.

YANBU to be worried. But there is no way that your sister doesn't know it is damaging for her health to be this weight. She will notice she is wearing large clothes, that her PCOS is worse, TV and advertising is innundated with diets and fitness and health. So I am not sure what you can do apart from be there for her and try and organise your time together so that food is not involved and you perhaps go for a walk together. She will not lose weight because someone points out she is overweight and it is not good for her, she will know this already.

It does sound as if the OP's sister wants to lose weight - she has tried in the past, but failed, partly due to lack of support by her partner.

Is there any way you could have a word with him? He might not be aware of how damaging his behaviour is. If he's been brought up with food as a reward and a treat, he might think he is helping her by putting her out of her diet misery.

Agree with spirited - I mean, who on earth wants to be obese? It's a byproduct of mental illness just as much as anorexia.

The weight itself is the visible sign of the illness, the mind is where the work needs to be done.

What can be done to help your sister value herself enough to want to stay alive? To be healthy and enjoy her life?

Tread - my obese inlaws (all of whom have obesity related health problems) do everything they can psychologically to normalise their situation. They undermine each others attempts at weightloss, giggle about being 'naughty' about food, over feed their obese children and talk in a fatalistic way about health which constantly minimalises the risks of obesity.

It is disturbing to be witness to other peoples' self deception, particularly when you feel you are being made complicit in some way in family eating situations. I have a big problem with portion issues when they eat around at my place - DH totally over-caters. I feel unhappy at the thought of facilitating gross over-eating by providing 6000 calories worth of food for each person at a family barbecue for example, just so my fat nephews can have three burgers, four sausages and 2 pieces of chicken each.

Point being - overweight isn't always the symptom of an emotional crises, and isn't always that lamented. Particularly in cultures where both obesity and over eating are endemic and have been normalised.

If over eating and obesity were simply a response to an inner crisis you wouldn't have such MASSIVE variations in rates of obesity among different social groups.