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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a catholic wedding?

67 replies

underthevalley · 04/06/2012 15:58

I'm South African so yesterday I phoned my family/friends back there to tell them that me and DP are getting married (and pregnant) in September (haven't booked anywhere yet) to give them a heads up.

The first thing my mum tells me when I tell her is that I better not get married in a Catholic church. Because if I did she and my step dad would not come. They would come otherwise.

I'm a technical catholic- I've done all the stuff required and I go to mass for 'things' i.e. Easter, anniversaries and occasionally just because I get the desire to go. but Wether I actually believe of it...
(My dad was catholic so I was christened and then insisted on being raised catholic)

My mum hasn't been inside a catholic church since my dad's funeral - 24 years ago. (she isn't catholic and didn't even come to my confirmation or first communion)

My step-dad hates catholicism (along with being a racist)And we don't get along and he hates me (my childhood was full of emotional abuse) and the feeling is mutual. I actually don't like my mum either - but at least I do have an emotional connection with her.

I would happily not have anything to do with my step- dad but I do still want a relationship with my mum and I have 3 younger brothers, 1 who still lives at home. And I can't not have a relationship with my mum and step-dad because of the risk to my relationships to my brothers. (not having a relationship with my stepdad would mean no relationship with my mum)

Me and DP haven't
decided what sort of wedding we are going to have at all. And I wasn't that fussed on a catholic wedding.

But we would love my step-dad not to come (he hates DP see racist part and would make he and his family feel uncomfortable- on top of his general existence)
DP says he doesn't mind a catholic ceremony. But I have to make the decision.

AIBU to have a catholic wedding just so my Step-dad wouldn't come? (I would sort of like my mum there but I guess she would be collateral) - and if it wasn't in a catholic church they would come.

And I guess it would be a way of having something to do with my dad involved.
That's not right is it ? - on the church, to be using it so SD wouldn't come?

OP posts:

Dprince · 04/06/2012 16:04

I wouldn't, to me making a sacrament in church is a serious thing. However, if SD was racist, I wouldn't invite him. Regardless.

thatisall · 04/06/2012 16:04

IMO, YANBU to have a Catholic wedding if that s what you and dp really want and believe in (but you say you don't),

but YABU, very unreasonable to USE a religious ceremony to get one over on your step-father.

A Catholic wedding is a deep, meaningful ceremony t hose who believe...how disrespectful you are

Squitten · 04/06/2012 16:07

YABU to have a wedding in a Church purely for the sake of excluding someone. That would be highly disrespectful to the Church.

If you don't want to invite your SD and he HATES your partner, then don't invite him. That's plenty of reason all on its own!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/06/2012 16:07

Having a Catholic wedding shouldn't be a descison that has to be made IMO. It's either important enough to you that you wouldn't consider not having a Catholic wedding, or it's not important enough at all, in which case, don't put your friends through a tediously long ceremony.

OlaRapaceFru · 04/06/2012 16:08

Having a Catholic wedding in order to exclude your stepdad is unreasonable. I doubt any Catholic priest is going to be too amused when you say the only reason you want a Catholic wedding is to exclude certain members of your family. You'll be making your vows to your HTB in a church (any church), irrespective of any family or guests who might be there.

Original poster

underthevalley · 04/06/2012 16:09

I can't just not invite SD.
DP isn't fussed- he isn't the slight bit religious.
It isn't that I don't believe it - I guess I'm on the fence (but do go to mass and things)
That's what I was afraid of

OP posts:

Squitten · 04/06/2012 16:09

Why can't you?

Thumbwitch · 04/06/2012 16:11

Hmm. I can entirely see your reasons for wanting to do it to keep your foul-sounding SF away from your wedding but I do have a tendency to agree with thatisall, that a Catholic wedding should really be because you have some kind of belief in it.

I had to forego a church wedding because DH was raised Catholic but had turned atheist - he still has residual catholicism in him though, and although he might have caved in and had a Catholic ceremony, he would not have anything to do with a non-Catholic one (and I wouldn't go for a Catholic ceremony because I don't have it in me to convert). When we got DS christened, DH didn't want it done at all but if it had to be (it did, IMO) then he wanted a Catholic christening - this I refused to do as I wasn't going to lie to the priest about bringing DS up Catholic (never going to happen). So I got my "way" with that and DS was christened in a Protestant church.

Going back to the other thing though - would your mother and SF actually turn up if you didn't invite them? Because, tbh, if you really don't want him there, I wouldn't invite him at all - and since you're already prepared to lose your mum's attendance as collateral damage, don't invite her either. OR - and this may sit badly with you, I don't know - invite them and tell them it's in a Catholic church, but have it elsewhere and don't let them know that.

RandomMess · 04/06/2012 16:12

Catholic church is expensive too.
Would you be bothered if your Mum didn't come? I'd be tempted to get married away/abroad elsewhere without relatives.

monkeymoma · 04/06/2012 16:12

he sounds lovely, almost worth swinging the pendulum TOWARDS catholic wedding if it means he won't come and upset the rest of the guests with his racism!

thatisall · 04/06/2012 16:12

underthevalley I've just read your OP gain and have to say its a bit offensive really. Outraged puts it very well, if it's a decision you have to make then the decision is made, don't have a Catholic wedding.

It isn't there to be pretty, because it feels 'proper' or because it will piss off your step-dad, its there as part of a religion!!! You you treat a Hindu or Muslim wedding with this flippancy? If I get married in a mosque then SD might not come....?

girlgonemild · 04/06/2012 16:12

I don't think you should have a Catholic wedding if it's not what you both want and believe in.

Aside from anything else you will have requirements to attend meetings with the Priest, marriage prep. class and possibly a dispensation form from a Bishop to allow marriage with a non-Catholic/non-Christian.

I'm sure there are other easier ways (which are less disrespectful to beleiveing Catholics!) to exclude SD if that is what you want to do.

DucketyDuckDuck · 04/06/2012 16:12

Hmmm, firstly, so you have been baptised and regularly attend church? Thats how I read it? Just getting the technicality out of the way, as one of you would have to be catholic to marry in a catholic church.

I don't think its right to use it for the wrong reasons. Just so your SD doesn't attend (he sounds horrendous by the by).

You don't like him or your mum, getting married is about you and your partner - not them.

Take them out of the picture, and decide what YOU want to do. THEN worry about the rest of the clan.

I got married in church (catholic if it matters) and I did not and would not have anyone there I didn't want there. It was very low key, only about 20 there. Not including my mother, who would have made my day a nightmare.

Good Luck.

monkeymoma · 04/06/2012 16:14

TBH, it sounds like a choice between upsetting him, or him upsetting LOADS of other people on the day

easy choice IMO, why are your SDs feelings more important than your DPs and his family and your friends?

DucketyDuckDuck · 04/06/2012 16:16

P.S Just to reiterate - I am tired and my post sounded abit flipant. I am a practising and happy catholic, and I couldn't bear to see the church used for the wrong reasons.

Original poster

underthevalley · 04/06/2012 16:20

He wouldn't accept a non invite.
I'm willing for my mum to be collaterally lost though them choosing not to come but not inviting them would make my brothers feel awkward about coming or not
Random DP' family would never forgive us and I don't think my Granny would ever talk to me again (telling her I was pregnant out of wedlock was bad enough) and there are people from SA that I want there so that isn't really an option.
ola I do know the priest- he takes my confession and I know people from church.

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 16:21

Just don't invite him. Or do it however you want, invite him but say it will be a catholic wedding and do something else.

He sounds like a fruitloop. You don't NEED to invite anyone you don't like.

monkeymoma · 04/06/2012 16:22

so some of your brothers might "choose" the racist arsehole.. isn't that a bit telling

so I'll ask again, why are this racists arsehole and his fans more important than your DP and his family and your loyal loving friends?

Thumbwitch · 04/06/2012 16:26

Perhaps you should have a chat with your priest, not about excluding your mum, but about the practicalities of getting married in the Catholic church? See if they're maybe too difficult anyway?
If you're a reasonably active church member then you are "entitled" to get married in the church you attend, if that's what you'd like to do anyway - and if you'd like to get married there, and it isn't too difficult, then why not?

It would just be a nice bonus that your SF didn't feel able to overcome his prejudices.

Original poster

underthevalley · 04/06/2012 16:34

Not more important monkey just I grew up around racist (gun holding) Afrikaners. My SD hates a post-ap SA my brothers (at least where I am from) are very typical - think there parents generation are bonkers but do have inbred racism in them - to have a relationship with them (brothers) I have to accept that. (they are not racist to DP or his family - 'that's different' (I don't know why)

I would count myself as a catholic (can I say a practicing agnostic catholic?)
I have never thought about what/how I would get married (marriages DP's thing) so not bothered about it being catholic or not. Yet being catholic is an important part of who I am -Christ I'm confusing myself now.

OP posts:

hackmum · 04/06/2012 17:15

Imagine for a moment your mum and step-dad didn't exist/weren't a problem. Would you still want a Catholic wedding? If so, why not go ahead and have one? Then you solve two problems at one stroke.

If, all other things being equal, you wouldn't want a Catholic wedding, don't have one, have a civil wedding instead and just don't invite your mum and ghastly stepdad.

heather1 · 04/06/2012 17:21

You shouldnt be asking us this, you should be asking your local parish priest. He is the one who is going to agree to officiate at your ceremony.
You are the only one who know what you do, or do not believe and whether or not these beliefs make it possible to make your vows in front of God in a catholic chuch or not.

oikopolis · 04/06/2012 18:05

Gosh my head's spinning thinking how you managed to be Catholic and Afrikaans at the same time!! that's not common at all. (and can just imagine SD's type....)

if you count yourself as Catholic, to the point that you are making confessions to a priest, go to church on days of obligation, and feel that being Catholic is part of your identity, then i think you should at least talk to the priest about wedding arrangements. your priest will have heard it all, he will give you a good perspective.

be frank with the priest about how you're tempted to go gung-ho into a Catholic wedding because of your SD. priest may be able to help you sort out your feelings.

you do need to start sorting out your family relationships btw. you have your own little family now, you need to start putting down boundaries and being a bit braver. SD needs to not be invited to things where he is at risk of being ridiculous. you shouldn't be resorting to passive-aggressive tactics where frankness and honesty are actually the right things to do.

good luck and congratulations on baby and engagement

Puffykins · 04/06/2012 18:26

I think YANBU. You insisted on being raised Catholic. You go to Mass regularly. You say that you're not sure how much you believe right now - but you're dedicated enough to the idea that one day you might believe more strongly to keep going. Belief is a leap of faith, and everybody has moments when they have doubts. Catholicism has been a significant part of your life and, on the basis that you've got to get married somehow, and somewhere, IMO it would be odd if you weren't married in a Catholic church.

The fact that your SD then probably won't come is an added bonus.

Aribura · 04/06/2012 22:23

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