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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a catholic wedding?

67 replies

underthevalley · 04/06/2012 15:58

I'm South African so yesterday I phoned my family/friends back there to tell them that me and DP are getting married (and pregnant) in September (haven't booked anywhere yet) to give them a heads up.

The first thing my mum tells me when I tell her is that I better not get married in a Catholic church. Because if I did she and my step dad would not come. They would come otherwise.

I'm a technical catholic- I've done all the stuff required and I go to mass for 'things' i.e. Easter, anniversaries and occasionally just because I get the desire to go. but Wether I actually believe of it...
(My dad was catholic so I was christened and then insisted on being raised catholic)

My mum hasn't been inside a catholic church since my dad's funeral - 24 years ago. (she isn't catholic and didn't even come to my confirmation or first communion)

My step-dad hates catholicism (along with being a racist)And we don't get along and he hates me (my childhood was full of emotional abuse) and the feeling is mutual. I actually don't like my mum either - but at least I do have an emotional connection with her.

I would happily not have anything to do with my step- dad but I do still want a relationship with my mum and I have 3 younger brothers, 1 who still lives at home. And I can't not have a relationship with my mum and step-dad because of the risk to my relationships to my brothers. (not having a relationship with my stepdad would mean no relationship with my mum)

Me and DP haven't
decided what sort of wedding we are going to have at all. And I wasn't that fussed on a catholic wedding.

But we would love my step-dad not to come (he hates DP see racist part and would make he and his family feel uncomfortable- on top of his general existence)
DP says he doesn't mind a catholic ceremony. But I have to make the decision.

AIBU to have a catholic wedding just so my Step-dad wouldn't come? (I would sort of like my mum there but I guess she would be collateral) - and if it wasn't in a catholic church they would come.

And I guess it would be a way of having something to do with my dad involved.
That's not right is it ? - on the church, to be using it so SD wouldn't come?

OP posts:
Christelle2207 · 04/06/2012 22:47

Is do catholic? Because if not I think you will find it v hard to marry in a catholic wedding.

Christelle2207 · 04/06/2012 22:47

Dp

inabeautifulplace · 04/06/2012 22:51

I think you should go for the Catholic wedding if it would help you keep a relationship with your brothers. I wouldn't count on that mind you, prepare for some bickering. BTW, I had a catholic wedding as an agnostic and didn't find too much red tape about. I attended mass a few times and had to get a letter from my dad saying something specific, think that was it.

Carikube · 04/06/2012 22:56

Agree with those who say to talk to your priest as he will be best placed to help you work through this and decide what is best.

Btw, only one person in the couple needs to be Catholic and weddings in a Catholic church are actually not v expensive as they only charge the registrar's fees (though a personal contribution is always gratefully received)...

maybetoday · 04/06/2012 23:10

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time op. Lots of people get married in a catholic church who haven't stepped foot inside one for years and I think lots of people have times when they aren't sure what they believe in and that doesn't suddenly mean you're not catholic any more. (I think the only way to definitely get out is to convert to something else!)
I totally understand what you're saying about how it would be a way to have your dad involved. Do you think that your brothers would be able to come if your mum/step-dad didn't? In the long run which do you think would have less damage on your relationship with your mum/brothers - not inviting them (v tricky I think) or having it in a catholic church?
Would you think about having a very quiet ceremony and then a big party that you could invite just who you wanted to, and maybe have a separate party the next time you're in SA.

KitCat26 · 04/06/2012 23:13

Marrying in the catholic church means:

A marriage preparation course
If your partner is not catholic, a special dispensation from the bishop (very easily obtained and no barrier at all)
Fees are a donation so usually go by the size of your ceremony. It was a lot cheaper for us to get hitched in the catholic church than in the CofE for example, my dh is cofe. Actually the priest said if you can't afford it you don't even have to pay for the church at all!

I think the things that you need are to be baptised and confirmed in the catholic church and if your DP has been baptised in any denomination - his baptism certificate.

But the best thing to do is speak to your parish priest.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/06/2012 23:25

I would elope and tell them all afterwards.

If that's not an option, I think you should start by deciding who you want to be in your life and who you don't. I think the time has come ditch the people you don't love and respect and who don't love and respect you. If you and sd hate each other, then he has no place at your wedding (especially if you are marrying someone that your sd would view negatively - now is the time to put your fiance first and he shouldn't have to put up with an abusive twat, at his own wedding). If your mum sides with him and dictates to you what you can and cannot do, then you are better off not having her there. Your brothers can man up and support you on your big day - if they are not prepared to, then at least you know where you stand.

If you can't face all the aggravation of dealing with this, then I don't actually have a problem with using the Catholic church to get the result you want, guest wise. Over the years the catholic church has behaved appallingly - it is in no position to get huffy over hypocrisy. So from that pov, I say do what suits you. Arguably, part of a church's 'job' is to support you in your hour of need - by being used as a tool to keep your sd away, it is serving it's purpose, in a way.

ChrisPeacock · 05/06/2012 06:25

I have not seen all the posts so I do not know if anyone as pointed this out

As a Christian you are not Christened you are Baptised

RiaOverTheRainbow · 05/06/2012 08:30

Just a thought - if you really don't want your dm and sd there could you tell them it's a catholic wedding, even if it's not?

marriedinwhite · 05/06/2012 09:07

If you don't want your SD at the wedding and you don't want to cause upset to your family by not inviting him then I think there is only one option and that is to invite none of them by telling them all you have done the deed afterwars. I certainly wouldn't use the church to exclude, or lie about something as profound as marriage.

Longdistance · 05/06/2012 09:25

Why don't you just elope, then that way they won't have time to attend your wedding, and you can have a small ceremony with the people you DO want there ;)
I am Catholic, and married a non Catholic. We didn't need any special dispensation, as he was Methodist (baptised, but not practising). That was in 2009, on the condition that our dc would be brought up Catholic, which they are anyway. My dh wanted to get married in a church, and was really happy to have our dd's baptised, and go to church.
It's one way of avoiding inviting the rabble, by maybe just running off, and doing it in Gretna Green.
I hope you come to some resolve, as ur SD sounds a complete shit, and your mother no better x

MyRoyalLentillyness · 05/06/2012 09:43

Gosh my head's spinning thinking how you managed to be Catholic and Afrikaans at the same time!!

What an extraordinary thing to say! Firstly - Afrikaans is the language, not the nationality, which is Afrikaner. Secondly, being an Afrikaner does not automatically designate you a racist or an apartheid apologist. It is entirely possible to be an Afrikaner Catholic. Perhaps that, once digested, will help your head not to spin quite so madly.

wamster · 05/06/2012 11:35

I agree that getting one over on your step dad is a pretty poor excuse for it- I've no time for any religion, but at least believe in it if you are going to have a catholic wedding! Also, isn't there some kind of thing that having sex outside marriage is a sin in the Catholic Church-or are they now as drippy and anything goes as the C of E?

wamster · 05/06/2012 11:37

Mind you your step dad is being a shit for being a racist, but disliking Catholicism ? Well 1 out of 2 ain't bad.

Fleurdebleurgh · 05/06/2012 11:37

Can you marry in a catholic church if you are knocked up?

Annunziata · 05/06/2012 11:59

They don't perform a ritual pregnancy test, fleur Grin

I think you should only have a religious wedding if you truly believe in the religion. But you wouldn't be the first and you're not the last- so I think it has to come down to your own conscious. Which is a pretty useless answer I suppose!

ImperialBlether · 05/06/2012 12:28

Of course you can, Fleur.

Original poster
underthevalley · 05/06/2012 14:46

Thanks
Going to phone priest tonight.
okio not that hard when your dad was n.irish.

Thanks all.
(and this is a proper question) to those who think I shouldn't get married in church because I'm not sure what I believe- do you also think that I shouldn't confess, take communion, be involve in church for the same reason?

Fleur yes you can - in fact I guess they would be more inclinded to get you hitched (you would confess - but you have to do that anyway)

OP posts:
FlangelinaBallerina · 05/06/2012 15:12

If you identify as Catholic, are part of the community and choose to practice regularly, it doesn't sound like SD would be your only reason for getting married in a church. You sound more Catholic than I am, and the word I would use to identify myself would be culturally rather than technically Catholic. Wouldn't dream of telling you how to describe yourself, but I can't imagine many of us who consider ourselves part of the community would have the remotest problem with you getting married in a church.

And while you probably don't need this, to clear up some of the misconceptions on the thread:

  • DP not being Catholic is highly unlikely to make things difficult. It is extremely common for one party to be Catholic and the other not.
  • You having lived together outside marriage is not likely to make things more difficult. If you are in a liberal, urban parish, there is no way in hell this will be an issue.
  • Catholic weddings are not more expensive. Well, they might be as they tend to be big, but the church itself won't be.
Longdistance · 05/06/2012 15:18

My grandmother was 'knocked up' back in the 1930's when it was a real taboo. The priest married my GP's, and I have a pic of her on her wedding day, holding the bouquet in front of her belly. She was 3 months pg, but I don't know if the priest knew that.

SiioCal · 05/06/2012 16:01

I'm sorry you are in such a predicament . IMO if you go to mass every week you seem more entitled to marry in catholic church than many . Have you ever been to a catholic wedding before ? Part o your vows directly relates to the catholic church (the raising of children for example) you can look the vows up on the Internet to determine wether you would be comfortable making them .

If you married in a catholic church would your brothers still come even if your mum and sd don't ?

oikopolis · 05/06/2012 16:21

OP I hope I didn't offend with my comment about Catholic & Afrix at same time, not intended as an insult, in fact i meant it more as "gosh that is an unusual mix" and i can imagine it is a slight challenge at times (since there is a definite part of the Afrikaans community that is extremely skeptical and sometimes hostile of non-protestant denoms, like your SD).

apologies for any offence caused

oikopolis · 05/06/2012 16:32

and MyRoyal i am part Afrikaner, so am very aware of the nuances you speak of.
OP says she grew up around "racist, gun-toting Afrikaners" and i was trying to express that IMO it must have been tricky sometimes to be Catholic in such an environment, since there's a fair bit of rancour reserved for non-Reformed xianity in such a context.

clearly i used the wrong words! apologies for offence caused to you and to anyone else reading.

ivanapoo · 05/06/2012 16:37

to those who think I shouldn't get married in church because I'm not sure what I believe- do you also think that I shouldn't confess, take communion, be involve in church for the same reason?

Yes. YABU to undertake these pointless rituals if you don't really believe in them? Why not have a wedding that actually MEANS something to you and DH? Can I suggest a humanist one?

I'm an atheist who can't bear religious hypocrisy and thinks that 98% of church weddings are as boring as anything

YABU to as you say in your OP have a Catholic wedding just so your

If you REALLY wanted one or REALLY believed no way you would have said this.

You need to Find a more suitable way to solve this issue.

ivanapoo · 05/06/2012 16:39

*just so your SD won't come...