AIBU to have a catholic wedding?

[underthevalley]

I'm South African so yesterday I phoned my family/friends back there to tell them that me and DP are getting married (and pregnant) in September (haven't booked anywhere yet) to give them a heads up.

The first thing my mum tells me when I tell her is that I better not get married in a Catholic church. Because if I did she and my step dad would not come. They would come otherwise.

I'm a technical catholic- I've done all the stuff required and I go to mass for 'things' i.e. Easter, anniversaries and occasionally just because I get the desire to go. but Wether I actually believe of it...
(My dad was catholic so I was christened and then insisted on being raised catholic)

My mum hasn't been inside a catholic church since my dad's funeral - 24 years ago. (she isn't catholic and didn't even come to my confirmation or first communion)

My step-dad hates catholicism (along with being a racist)And we don't get along and he hates me (my childhood was full of emotional abuse) and the feeling is mutual. I actually don't like my mum either - but at least I do have an emotional connection with her.

I would happily not have anything to do with my step- dad but I do still want a relationship with my mum and I have 3 younger brothers, 1 who still lives at home. And I can't not have a relationship with my mum and step-dad because of the risk to my relationships to my brothers. (not having a relationship with my stepdad would mean no relationship with my mum)

Me and DP haven't
decided what sort of wedding we are going to have at all. And I wasn't that fussed on a catholic wedding.

But we would love my step-dad not to come (he hates DP see racist part and would make he and his family feel uncomfortable- on top of his general existence)
DP says he doesn't mind a catholic ceremony. But I have to make the decision.

AIBU to have a catholic wedding just so my Step-dad wouldn't come? (I would sort of like my mum there but I guess she would be collateral) - and if it wasn't in a catholic church they would come.

And I guess it would be a way of having something to do with my dad involved.
That's not right is it ? - on the church, to be using it so SD wouldn't come?

"to those who think I shouldn't get married in church because I'm not sure what I believe- do you also think that I shouldn't confess, take communion, be involve in church for the same reason?

Yes. YABU to undertake these pointless rituals if you don't really believe in them? Why not have a wedding that actually MEANS something to you and DH? Can I suggest a humanist one?"

my parish priest would disagree, did a recent homily about how its a good thing to reassess from time to time, strength of faith waxes and wanes

YAVDNBU to participate in religious rituals for cultural reasons. Those who think this means those rituals can't mean anything to people who don't believe in them need to learn things.

monkeymoma with respect to your priest could part of this be because he wants more bums on seats...?

Flangelina what exactly do I need to learn? What people read into religious rituals is personal. I personally find it meaningless and hollow to undertake such rituals when I don't believe in the underpinning crux of the religion i.e. a Christian God and Jesus as defined by the Bible.

When people who don't go to church and don't believe in God choose to get married in a church I am personally left completely nonplussed. They are choosing to get married before God - why would you do this if you don't think you believe in God?!

From the OP I would potentially consider the OP to fall into this category, but of course it is up to her to decide but this is AIBU...

Ivanapoo, if you don't believe in god then getting married in a church still has other motives - a partners religion, a relatives wishes or simply the desire for a beautiful location. All perfectly valid reasons, as is the OPs wish to have one in the hope that sibling relations will not be disturbed.

inabeautifulplace I don't agree, especially with the "it's a pretty venue" reason (which makes a mockery of religious ceremonies IMO). And why in that case do churches ask you to attend church and do courses etc? And if that was the case, why don't more non-religious people get married in non-Christian places of worship?

Of course the partner thing is different as that is one of the people actually getting married, although I would myself struggle with going along w partner's wishes vs my own lack of religious belief.

I think you should do what you want to do.

Then deal with your DM and SD. They are secondary.

You would be unreasonable to have a Catholic wedding, just to prevent someone coming. If you don't want them there, just don't invite them. I wouldn't normally say that ( I would be gutted if I didn't attend my DDs wedding), but as your mother has already declared conditions on attending her daughters wedding, then it is no entirely unreasonable.

I think churches ask you to attend a few times because it's part of the rules, though it might be an attempt to gain new members. The course we had was just a bit of counselling on the value of marriage.

I can't see your problem with the pretty venue choice. By definition, non believers would not be married before god in their eyes so it's a perfectly logical decision.

Maybe it's more important to an atheist, but as an agnostic the religious elements of my wedding were irrelevant to me. They were important to my partner though, thus by default they were significant to the marriage.

Lynette, the OP has said that not inviting them would make it much more likely that her brothers would not attend.

Only get married in church if it will mean something special religiously to you. Otherwise go elsewhere.

If you are a Catholic and want to get married in a Catholic church, then just do that.

Don't trim your beliefs because you are worried about upsetting other people. Even if they are family.

On the other hand, if you don't mind where you get married but you just don't want your stepfather there, although you do want your brothers there, what can you do about that? Well, you could talk to your brothers and just tell them that. Maybe they might suggest a solution (e.g. 'Sister, we could keep him out of your way all day so you'd hardly know he was there.' Or maybe even 'We don't like him either, so we don't care whether or not he comes.')

Whatever you decide to do, OP - good luck and a hope you have a lovely day.

Well, I'm not sure I would invite any of them, tbh. I think I would be in the local registry office asap and stuff the lot of them, but I'm feeling a bit bah-humbug tonight.

How about having a civil wedding, exploring your faith further, then if you want a Catholic wedding in the future, have a Catholic wedding convalidation?

Is you SD your brothers father?

Ivana what you need to learn is that a person may find meaning in a religious ritual for reason other than belief. You say you don't see why people would enter into such a ritual without believing in God- fine, that's your business and you may judge and ask questions as you wish. But your way of being an atheist is not the only way. You're entitled to think whatever you want about this: personally I have no idea why people feel the need to share their views about who's entitled to what wedding, but that's just me. You're not entitled to say things that are factually incorrect and not be pulled up, though.

I'm an agnostic and I wanted a Catholic wedding for cultural reasons. It meant a great deal to me to marry in my family church where many important occasions have taken place, in the community I grew up in, following a tradition that my family have partaken in for so many years. I'm not the only person to feel like this either. If you don't understand why non-religious people have religious weddings, you could've just asked and I'd have happily told you. I'm sure others would have done the same.

I think you have tied things all up together and there is no need to. You are Catholic, you go to Mass. Any reasonable Parish Priest would grant you a Catholic wedding. The added bonus of this is your really rather pungent SF would stay away - this is just a bonus. People are involved with their religion to different degrees throughout life and you could later really regret not having it in church.

I am not Catholic but got married in a Catholic Church as it was what my DH wanted and it meant a lot to him. Would have been my last choice but partnerships mean give and take so I gave a little (well, a lot - I was also pregnant and obviously so and it was all rather amusing).

YANBU, It would be a way to be close to your Dad on the day and that is lovely - it is him you miss, not people who aren't there through bloody mindedness.

If you want a church wedding, you have it.

If you think you want a Catholic wedding anyway, then I agree with the advice to have a chat with your parish priest. Lots of people have doubts about their faith, that wouldn't necessarily be an insurmountable problem in itself. Is your DP also Catholic, or some Christian denomination? Would you be happy to agree to have your children (if you have any) baptised and raised in the Catholic faith?

If it means nothing to you and it's just a way of keeping your stepfather away, there might be easier ways of doing that. Would he even bother to come anyway, if you and he are not close, and he 'hates' your DP? Can you just not invite him?

It is entirely possible to be an Afrikaner Catholic.

Theoretically...I doubt there are any though. It'd be a Krisjan Swart moment....

Fwiw I had a Catholic wedding, the priest gives you quite an inquisition beforehand, if you can survive that you will be fine :)

Ivan humanist weddings are only legal in scotland (you have to have a civil one as well in the rest of uk)
And I am a church-goer Ivan don't know where you got the thing that I didn't go to church
DP is nothing ephiny and not having children baptised catholic would never crossed my mind - whatever my current faith is it is still a part of me.

lynette yes they are my half-brother. SD is there dad my dad died when I was 2

Christ oiko you didn't insult me at all.

Thanks to you all. Priest has a date, would love to marry us (obviously after classes) now just have to decide.