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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with my husband's lack of enthusiasm for trying for a baby

97 replies

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 04/06/2012 01:06

I am desperate for a baby. I feel like all my life has been leading up to me being a mother and I really see motherhood as my calling in life. I love babies and children, but at the same time am starting to find it quite difficult to be around people with children as I am so incredibly jealous (not that I'd ever let on to anyone that I felt like that, and am suitably enthusiastic when family and friends announce pregnancies).

Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 4 years now, and although we were very hard-up to begin with, about a year ago he agreed it was a good time to start trying for a baby. Nothing's happened so far, and then he went away to work for 7 months, and though we tried to time his visits home for when I might be fertile it didn't always work that way.

So when he came home for good a couple of months ago we both agreed that now was a really good time to properly try for me to conceive. Last month was okay, we 'tried' quite a few times but I didn't get pregnant. Fair enough, I know these things take time. But this month I'm getting to the end of my likely fertile time and we haven't tried once. Tonight I told him I was having a bath and would see him in bed, then exfoliated, shaved my legs etc, got into bed and he just ignored the fact that I obviously wanted sex. I kissed him etc and when it was clear we weren't going to do anything I sort of lay back (in a pretty obvious huff!) and then he chatted about something inconsequential, turned over and went to sleep.

I am so pissed off. He's working a 12 hour shift the next 2 days so he'll be too tired, and I think after that it would be unlikely to result in pregnancy this month. I didn't push it last night but really thought we would tonight and we haven't. He says he wants a baby but makes no effort to try and make one!

People keep asking when we're going to have kids and I'm just getting so disappointed that I'm not pregnant yet when it seems like I see pregnant people wherever I go. All I want to do is be a mum and I'm just so disappointed he won't make a bit more effort. Plus, surely having sex with me isn't too much of a chore?!!

OP posts:
Patsy99 · 04/06/2012 19:22

YANBU. Nothing wrong with actively trying to conceive and aiming to have sex around your fertile time. I feel jealous of the posters on here who have apparently got pregnant so easily that this seems like an alien idea.

We were advised doing it every other day around ovulation was ideal, if you don't want to use OPKs.

But I echo what others have said - I know everyone's sex drive differs but every 4 months sounds very infrequent and having gone a whole year sets off alarm bells. Are you both being honest about what is going on in this relationship?

HRHCavey · 04/06/2012 19:27

Are you certain you know when your fertile times are? The "28 day" cycle is not very reliable, very very few women have a 28 day cycle and even if you do, your ovulation can vary anything between day 10 and day 18, depending on how long your luteal phase is.

If sex is happening so infrequently, you ought to make every effort to find out exactly when your fertile times are.

SleepyFergus · 04/06/2012 19:45

I think some of the posts on here have been a bit harsh. I've sort of been in your position, we ttc for 3.5 years before falling pregnant (with a mmc in the middle) and looking back it was incredibly stressful and unhappy for both of us. Yes, the whole "just relax and have sex without ttc etc" is so easy to trot out, but when you are actually trying to conceive, it's hard not to try and time things for that ideal time. I've been that wife that knows that tonight is prob the ideal time only for DH to not be in the mood. It's GUTTING. Then a whole month or however long passes before another shot at goal.

I do agree though that you need to have a chat with DH just to clear things, try and find out if you are singing from the same hymn sheet do to speak. It doesn't necessarily mean there are problems in your marriage as some have suggested, it may just be that he doesn't get it. My DH used to drive me potty as he would trot out different advice that he'd researched on the net (like not have sex every night, instead store up sperm for 2 or 3 nights) whereas I was reading to go for it every night over my fertile time.

Good luck, I hope everything gets sorted and you both achieve your dreams soon.

HaveALittleFaithBaby · 04/06/2012 21:41

My apologies for jumping in - I've skipped to the last page - but I could have written your post about 18 months ago. DH and I both want baby desperately. But when it came to the crunch, he never seemed to be in the mood, he was sore...., especially if i said I was fertild! I just thought he had a low sex drive. I used to think people who said they had sex 3 times a week were sex mad! After a year of unprotected sex and no babies, we had investigations. It turns out there was a medical reason for his low sex drive and also caused a low sperm count. No wonder we weren't getting me diffed! With a simple course of treatment, his sex drive had massively improved Wink and he has more energy. Just waiting for a repeat sperm test. We've been told we should be in normal ranges now and should conceive soon.
Personally, I'd push him to see his GP. Wish I'd done it sooner myself! PM me if you want more details.

igggi · 04/06/2012 23:20

Sorry to hear that Incaminka
I'm currently holding my newborn ds2 who arrived after 4 consecutive mc, so I'd say there's always hope.. All the best.

Incaminka · 04/06/2012 23:59

:)

scottishmummy · 05/06/2012 00:06

this isn't a couple ttc
it's a woman hoping for more sex, to ttc. for reason unknown this isn't happening with her dh. so in fairness it has raised fair few questions

blapbird · 05/06/2012 00:13

I think you shouldn't have babies with someone with whom you have a mis- matched sex drive, can you really cop with a life of probably no sex?

Maybe he isn't the father of your children and this is giving you time to get out before it's too late?

Whatmeworry · 05/06/2012 00:14

Why have children with a man who doesn't want to shag you? That is the real issue here....

HaveALittleFaithBaby · 05/06/2012 09:47

I think the real issue is: Why doesn't he want to have sex? I love DH very much and I struggled with the idea that he could love me back, want a baby with me but not want to have sex with me. Subtlety when trying to lure him to bed was unsuccessful but the rejection when I was unsubtle was devastating. I would sit him down and ask him - is it me? Or is it that you want to want to have sex - iyswim - but just can't muster it. If its the former, there's something else going on and it's time to think seriously about the relationship. If its the latter, I would definitely get medical advice.

Spiritedwolf · 05/06/2012 12:15

Have you had a open calm conversation with him about sex - both in general and as part of TTC?

I think there's a lot of pressure on both women and men to think that men ought to have a high sex drive. This can mean that with a man who doesn't can feel embarassed to talk about it and his partner can feel utterly rejected.

There is an age difference between me and my DH and we both have bouts of depression. He has a lower sex drive than me (though not non-existant, and he enjoyed it when it happened) and depression affects us differently (makes him less in the mood for sex, makes me crave physical closeness and reassurance). I used to get very upset and distressed when we didn't have sex. I hated initiating sex because the rejection felt horrible and it caused a few arguments.

We TTC for nearly 6 years. He genuinely wanted to start a family, I had no doubt about that, and he felt down about how difficult we were finding it. I have long irregular cycles which meant there were less chances, and meant that ovulation testing would have been prohibitively expensive!

About 18 months ago I decided to lose weight as it may have been contributing to my fertility problems, and even if it wasn't, I felt that fertility medical help would be more forthcoming if I was closer to the 'healthy' BMI range. I focused less on getting pregnant, and more on getting my body healthy for pregnancy. I lost 6 stone in about 9 months, which was about halfway to my target weight. I started feeling better in myself and began to accept what he had been telling me all along, that him not wanting as much sex as me wasn't down to a lack of affection or attraction to me, it was just his own mood and physical tiredness. So I got less 'needy' about sex as I didn't take rejection so personally. As I wanted to lose weight before we concieved, I was also less desperate to concieve 'immediately' more that it was a general goal we were working towards. Which probably took the pressure off.

Around this time, my DH went away to a conference for 5 days or so. We are rarely apart for this kind of time, and I think the combination of him being away from the stress of work, missing me and coming to some decision that he really wanted to concentrate on concieving (as I had done earlier in the year when I had decided to change my eating habits) meant that we had much more sex when he got home. We were more playful about it and tried a new position which is now our mutual favourite.

We got pregnant 2 months after his trip away. He reckons that we just weren't TTC often enough before. I think it's also to do with my body being more healthy (my cycles, whilst still long were shorter than they had been). Or we might just have got lucky - it'll be difficult to tell until we are TTC again.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say by sharing our experience, only that your DH may genuinely want to become a dad but just hasn't made the mental/emotional adjustment that it'll mean more sex, it must be difficult if its not something he is enthusiastic about normally.

I also don't think that the fact of his lower sex drive means that you are somehow incompatible. But it might be difficult if its something that you both find difficult to discuss.

I think you need to have a calm and open discussion with him both about starting a family and your sex life more generally. You need to express how important having a family is to you and find out if he genuinely feels the same. If he does, then does he know that you only have a small window each month to concieve (I agree with those who have said that we spend our pre-TTC days convinced that one slip will result in pregnancy, it can come as a shock how difficult it actually is!) and explain the biology. I'd also suggest that you explain that you can chart/take tests/etc to work out exactly when you are most likely to be successful.

Ask him whether he'd like you to inform him of these times so that you can target your TTC on the most likely times or whether that puts too much pressure on, and whether he'd just like to try and have more frequent sex and see if that works. I know a lot of people have suggested that its better to relax and not-chart but if he genuinely doesn't want to have more sex but does want to concieve, he might prefer to make sure that when you do its at the right time. I think its best to give him the choice and not make the decision for him, you need to work through this as a couple.

More generally about your mismatched sex drives. Again I think you really need to have an open discussion about how much you enjoy making love with him, that you'd love to have sex more often and that you feel rejected and hurt when he doesn't seem to feel the same. You want to find out if there is a problem, does he feel pain during sex? (no need for embarassment, its best to go see a doctor and get it sorted!) Are there positions/acts which he finds more enjoyable than others? Is it just that he is stressed out by work/family/TTC/etc? Does he find you attractive? Is he just not confident? Obviously, don't fire these questions at him, but just listen to how he feels about sex generally and your sexual relationship in particualar. Does he enjoy sex when you do have it? Is there anything he thinks he might enjoy that you could try?

Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but you should both feel satisfied by the physical side of your relationship as much as any other.

Good luck :)

IfPandasCan · 16/12/2014 19:55

I'm new here - sorry if diving in immediately with far TMI but any advice appreciated please!

I'm 35, with a lovely husband (42) and we both want a baby. The problem is we're just not having sex to ever conceive....he has a very low sex drive and would be happy with about once / twice a month sex.

If we do have sex more frequently he generally is happy to get started but sort of runs out of steam (and stops) which is both pretty demoralizing and doesn't help much with baby making.

He says he's 100% excited about the idea of a baby but just doesn't have the same drive / energy as me. I'm not a troll or nagging into sex but I am quietly at my wits end here.

Has anyone else had a similar experience please? Any ideas on what to do? I've gently suggested sex therapy for us both, or a hormone test for him, but not keen

Thanks! Xxx

IfPandasCan · 16/12/2014 20:01

Oof - I've posted on the wrong place...newbie error! So sorry to hijack a thread, I'll start my own.

LeSaor · 16/12/2014 20:15

Could he be asexual?

Andrewofgg · 16/12/2014 20:36

Male here, and I've been where your DH is; getting DS started was not quite as quick as we had both hoped.

But believe me: it's not good unless on a particular occasion you are both up for it. If you felt rotten on the day when you were most likely to conceive it would be just too bad if he were eager as hell. It's meant to involve pleasure for both.

He is not a machine for begetting any more than you are for conceiving.

HTH and best of luck. The day will come!

Andrewofgg · 16/12/2014 20:37

And SpiritedWolf LOL at We got pregnant!

maras2 · 16/12/2014 20:53

andrew lol at you answering a 2 year old thread. Xmas Grin

maninawomansworld · 16/12/2014 21:01

You sound like you need to sit down for an honest heart to heart chat!

I know that the bird and the bees and kids are intrinsically linked with children but as a man, I have to say that nothing kills the horn like the feeling you're only wanted for your genetic material!

Until DW got pregnant I was really not thrilled at the idea of kids , although we had talked about it and I had sort of accepted that at some point I'd have to step up as DW really wanted them. When we were 'ready' (in that the rest of our lives were in order and kids were the next logical step), we started out as many people do by calculating when she was fertile etc and I found it the biggest turn off EVER! Our usually good sex life dried up overnight, I just didn't want it. After a talk, we decided to proceed by just forgetting about contraception / ovulation calculations and all the rest of it and continuing our normal sex life irrespective of what time of the month it was.
Maybe we were just lucky but it only took a couple of months and the rest, as they say, is history!
Despite my serious reservations about children, now the DC's (twins - now that was a shock!) are a couple of years older I am starting to really enjoy spending time with them.

The more you try and railroad him into it, the more he'll push back and the less sex you'll get!

Andrewofgg · 16/12/2014 21:03

maras2 Oh bugger!

Kathy2013 · 18/02/2019 23:15

I just LOVE these sarcastic, smug as hell posts. What a joy for you to have been able to conceive naturally with no stress or worry. As noted by others, it may not be so easy for other people. They might start as romantically & easy going as you describe, but after months of no result, stoop to the low level of trying at dedicated times ‘and what not’. Try to be a bit more understanding.

KateSop · 15/01/2025 10:35

Hey OP, wondering how you got on in the end and how did you resolve it if you did ?

Paisleyandpolkadots · 15/01/2025 11:25

Don't rely on what people say, rely on what they do. If your husband wanted a baby he'd be having sex with you. He is maybe 30 or so yet you mention you once went a whole year without sex. That is not normal at your ages.

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