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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my husband's lack of enthusiasm for trying for a baby

97 replies

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 04/06/2012 01:06

I am desperate for a baby. I feel like all my life has been leading up to me being a mother and I really see motherhood as my calling in life. I love babies and children, but at the same time am starting to find it quite difficult to be around people with children as I am so incredibly jealous (not that I'd ever let on to anyone that I felt like that, and am suitably enthusiastic when family and friends announce pregnancies).

Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 4 years now, and although we were very hard-up to begin with, about a year ago he agreed it was a good time to start trying for a baby. Nothing's happened so far, and then he went away to work for 7 months, and though we tried to time his visits home for when I might be fertile it didn't always work that way.

So when he came home for good a couple of months ago we both agreed that now was a really good time to properly try for me to conceive. Last month was okay, we 'tried' quite a few times but I didn't get pregnant. Fair enough, I know these things take time. But this month I'm getting to the end of my likely fertile time and we haven't tried once. Tonight I told him I was having a bath and would see him in bed, then exfoliated, shaved my legs etc, got into bed and he just ignored the fact that I obviously wanted sex. I kissed him etc and when it was clear we weren't going to do anything I sort of lay back (in a pretty obvious huff!) and then he chatted about something inconsequential, turned over and went to sleep.

I am so pissed off. He's working a 12 hour shift the next 2 days so he'll be too tired, and I think after that it would be unlikely to result in pregnancy this month. I didn't push it last night but really thought we would tonight and we haven't. He says he wants a baby but makes no effort to try and make one!

People keep asking when we're going to have kids and I'm just getting so disappointed that I'm not pregnant yet when it seems like I see pregnant people wherever I go. All I want to do is be a mum and I'm just so disappointed he won't make a bit more effort. Plus, surely having sex with me isn't too much of a chore?!!

OP posts:
ivanapoo · 04/06/2012 10:10

The bigger question here is are you sure you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't seem to want to have sex with you?

Is he v affectionate in other ways? How does he show you you're more than friends iyswim?
Last month when he did want to, did he initiate it?
When you "made it obvious" you wanted to have sex what did you actually do?

springydaffs · 04/06/2012 10:48

OP has already said she exfoliated and got herself gorgeous, got kissy when he came to bed.

ivanapoo · 04/06/2012 10:54

springydaffs I doubt exfoliation is up there in the top 100 seduction techniques...

I have to literally say "let's have sex" sometimes or grab his bits to make it obvious to my DH that I would like to have sex. I'm just wondering if the OP is making it as clear as she thinks...

yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 10:57

AThingInYourLife I am shocked that you find that sexist. And offended, frankly.

If a man wants sex, it's all good, and if a woman wants it, it's not? Sorry, you're the one being sexist here, assuming that she wants the baby and he's just going along with it.

fryingpantoface · 04/06/2012 10:59

Try just enjoying it. When we were TTC, after multiple miscarriages, my husband lost enthusiasm because he felt too pressured.

It will get better, just hang in there

Angelico · 04/06/2012 11:18

YANBU at all. Am genuinely amazed at some of the comments on here!

I would say try using pre-seed / OPKs if that was useful but tbh I think you have much bigger issues here :( Essentially you are stuck in a sexless marriage, which is fine if that's what you both want but it is not reasonable for him to make no effort at all when you are TTC. You don't sound like you're demanding sex off him constantly let's face it and just out of basic love and affection he should make an effort for you both to have a child.

Is your husband very overweight / unfit / much older than you? Is he depressed and refusing to admit it? Does he have a medical condition? Because a 12 hour shift can be tiring but if it's office work for a youngish guy then I have never met any guy who couldn't find the energy to DTD when they got home.

I'm sorry OP but there's nothing else for it - a long, honest, heart to heart chat. Because either he is withdrawing from your relationship or he has a physical / psychological problem which could be helped if he's willing. You need to know which it is while you are still young enough to meet someone else if necessary.

Sorry if that's blunt but I've seen this happen to a good friend who has wasted years with a lovely guy who simply will not have 'the baby talk'. She's 37 now and very conscious of time running away. She should have left him years ago and she knows it. People sometimes grow apart and possibly you and your DH no longer want the same things. If you don't, you need to find someone else who wants the kind of life you want.

HRHCavey · 04/06/2012 11:56

I agree that you need to sit him down and explain how small the window of opportunity to conceive is. When I explained it to DH he was genuinely shocked. Men generally don't get how it works.

If he really wants a baby, he'll make the effort. DH works away from home during the week (200 miles away) but he makes the effort to come home during the week if I think I am in my fertile period. Yes it means a horrendously early start to get to work on time the next day, but he's prepared to do it because we want a baby.

Truth is though, "trying" sex is rubbish! It can feel forced at times so sometimes it is better not to tell your other half that you think you are about to ovulate - it can put a lot of pressure on him to perform.

Finally, if you've only been physically trying for a few months - relax! It can take a perfectly healthy couple up to a year of actively trying to conceive.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/06/2012 12:40

AThingInYourLife

""It sounds a bit like you view him as a baby-making machine."
This is one of the ugliest, most sexist arguments that gets trotted out in this kind of circumstance.
Women are supposed to be perpetually available for sex, but if they actually want it themselves and make any demands, they are unreasonable harridans."

Really, have you read any of the threads on here where the man wants sex and the woman doesn't?

You need to get a grip.

Margerykemp · 04/06/2012 12:42

I think you need to look for a new DH. One who wants to shag you senseless on a regular basis. You are young and there are plenty of better men than this out there.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/06/2012 12:54

Margerykemp

"I think you need to look for a new DH. One who wants to shag you senseless on a regular basis. You are young and there are plenty of better men than this out there."

And when she has had the child and her sex drive has gone, what happens to the new bloke?

pastypatsy · 04/06/2012 13:13

you sound like you are becoming obsessed and that is never a turn on

put it to the back of your mind and just make love when you BOTH want to - bin the charts and calendars - that would make me run a mile rather than into bed

if it happens it will, if it doesn't, cest la vie

Incaminka · 04/06/2012 13:25

Umm, I have a similar problem. My dp is ten years older and losing his sex drive a little. I'm in my early 40s and we've been trying for a baby for about 8 years, so I'm pretty dedicated to the opks. When it's fertile time, I start him off with a lot of oral, to get him in the mood and it's pretty foolproof. :-)

McHappyPants2012 · 04/06/2012 13:26

sex is not everything, and i think it is a damaging message.

so if my sex drive goes, DH should leave the marriage and find someone who will give them sex. What message does that give have sex with my husband just incase he leaves me????????

stress and pressure may lead to erection problems.

OP my advice is to bin the calenders, the ovulation sticks and just enjoy having sex, because the pressure on yourself to get pregnant can lead to not getting pregnant

Original poster
Marymaryalittlecontrary · 04/06/2012 13:36

I don't use calendars or opk sticks, but I just know when is the approximate time that I am likely to be fertile, so as I know that it's hard to forget it!

I do understand what people are saying about relaxing and just having sex when both of us want it, but if I totally just left him to decide when he wants sex we would have it maybe once every 4 months or so if I'm lucky, and let's face it, I'm not going to get pregnant that way - or at least it's much more unlikely.

OP posts:
MissMedusa · 04/06/2012 13:53

I don't think men (or couples who conceive easily) necessarily know how difficult it can be. We've been warned all our lives that the second the condom breaks, we'll get pregnant. Your dp probably doesn't realise that for some couples it has to be well timed and the window is small. Particularly if you're not used to having much sex, that can also have an affect on his sperm count.

My DP has only recently started realising that it isn't going to happen at the drop of a hat as he had assumed and there is going to have to be some "trying" involved in our TTC.

Lambzig · 04/06/2012 14:00

OP if you are just going by the 'roughly day 14 ovulation' guide, then you might want to do some sticks. Unless you are someone who can tell when they ovulate (I know the signs, but never could), then you do need to know. Some women ovulate as early as day 6 or 7 or as late as day 21 (with a short luteal phase). Might be worth you checking (although 2 months is no time at all to try)

ErikNorseman · 04/06/2012 14:03

Op, have you talked to your DH about the fact that you need to shag a lot more often than normal if you want to have a baby? Does he understand this? What is his reaction? Is he resigned, reluctant or enthusiastic? I'd find the situation tough in your position. How do you get a guy to go from wanting sex 3 times a year to wanting it 3 times a week without resentment and pressure? Also, does he see his low sex drive as a problem? Have you not discussed it before, separate from the ttc issue?

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 04/06/2012 17:15

OP I know you said that you sat down and had a chat with dh about ttc and he agreed, but are you absolutely sure he wants a baby? I had a friend who insisted her dh wanted dc - turns out he didn't and she was just hearing what she wanted to hear.
Obviously you know your dh best, but i know that most dh who genuinely want dc do actually have more sex even if they are tired, don't feel like it etc...
I agree another heart to heart is necessary - perhaps even some counselling of some kind might help work through the sex drive discrepancies.

I think you need to work together on improving your sex life without the pressure of ttc.
Do this first.

I know you haven't had sex all that often, but 4 years is a long time to not be using contraception and not fall pregnant. After all the discussions etc I'd get both of you checked out for fertility issues.

valiumredhead · 04/06/2012 17:59

Sex every night until you conceive, that way he won't feel pressured as it will be the norm and all bases are covered as far as fertile periods are concerned Wink

valiumredhead · 04/06/2012 17:59

And I hope it happens very quickly for you both :) x

igggi · 04/06/2012 18:34

Incaminka I always avoided oral sex when ttc as I'd heard saliva can act as a spermicide - not sure if I was right about this or not, but maybe something to check out?

raspberrytipple · 04/06/2012 18:44

I can sympathise, it is difficult when you feel such pressure and mother nature is making every inch of your body scream 'NOW NOW NOW'. We had a particularly bad month last month as DH was ill and I felt like he was just putting it on, he turned out to be actually ill so then I felt bad for yelling but after three years I an quite honestly desperate. That said, what others have said is right, get the nice undies out, make a bit of a romantic fuss, whatever the both of you both enjoy and just have some fun. This tactic seems to work better for us than me telling him when I'm fertile.

Pop over to the conception board - there will be more sympathetic ears over there. Good luck!

Incaminka · 04/06/2012 18:54

Thanks Iggi, will check. Have got preg a few times, but never carried to term. :(

thebody · 04/06/2012 18:55

I honestly think that if you and your dh went for a year without sex you have bigger problems really.

I am so sorry for you as you sound desperate and must be very hard for you.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 04/06/2012 19:00

This is about more than babies, it's about sex, and if you somehow manage to conceive, that problem won't go away.

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