To be annoyed with my husband's lack of enthusiasm for trying for a baby

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I am desperate for a baby. I feel like all my life has been leading up to me being a mother and I really see motherhood as my calling in life. I love babies and children, but at the same time am starting to find it quite difficult to be around people with children as I am so incredibly jealous (not that I'd ever let on to anyone that I felt like that, and am suitably enthusiastic when family and friends announce pregnancies).

Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 4 years now, and although we were very hard-up to begin with, about a year ago he agreed it was a good time to start trying for a baby. Nothing's happened so far, and then he went away to work for 7 months, and though we tried to time his visits home for when I might be fertile it didn't always work that way.

So when he came home for good a couple of months ago we both agreed that now was a really good time to properly try for me to conceive. Last month was okay, we 'tried' quite a few times but I didn't get pregnant. Fair enough, I know these things take time. But this month I'm getting to the end of my likely fertile time and we haven't tried once. Tonight I told him I was having a bath and would see him in bed, then exfoliated, shaved my legs etc, got into bed and he just ignored the fact that I obviously wanted sex. I kissed him etc and when it was clear we weren't going to do anything I sort of lay back (in a pretty obvious huff!) and then he chatted about something inconsequential, turned over and went to sleep.

I am so pissed off. He's working a 12 hour shift the next 2 days so he'll be too tired, and I think after that it would be unlikely to result in pregnancy this month. I didn't push it last night but really thought we would tonight and we haven't. He says he wants a baby but makes no effort to try and make one!

People keep asking when we're going to have kids and I'm just getting so disappointed that I'm not pregnant yet when it seems like I see pregnant people wherever I go. All I want to do is be a mum and I'm just so disappointed he won't make a bit more effort. Plus, surely having sex with me isn't too much of a chore?!!

And yes, agree - the issue is clearly more than just TTC.

There is only a short time every month where it is possible to fall pregnant and I don't think being aware of this and concentrating sex herw and fertility signs is being obsessed, of course its more difficult if your partner has a low sex drive anyway OP. To tell someone just to ?relax? and it will happen is not helpful.

You may not see him as a baby making machine. But that's how your post comes across. Maybe its how you are coming across to him.
Surely you knew this would be difficult to get pg with a man with such a low sex drive? Or do you expect him to do it anyway?

How long have you been trying?

Do you need to be having sex only at specific times yet iyswim?

We, like another poster, just had sex without using contraception.

We didn´t make an issue of time of month, "yes we must tonight, let´s not bother for a week as it can´t happen then".

We had sex when we both wanted to.

What you describe would suggest to me that he doesn't want a baby. Despite him saying that he does, a part of him doesn't. You need to find out what is worrying him.

I really think it's time for you to have a big heart to heart. You say you don't show him how upset you really are but the likelyhood is he has picked up on it and is feeling the pressure.
He may be trying to keep his true feelings from you..............he could be woried about his fertility and this could be contributing to his low sex drive. He could have hormonal issues which he is afraid to face..........Maybe he is afraid of fatherhood........

I was married to my ex for 16 years, he had a low sex drive, I know it's frustrating. He was 100% in favour of TTC and we went through years of failure. It is very hard, if you are avoiding being around babies / children because it upsets you, then I think you do have a problem deaing with TTC.

Please talk to each other and get to the botom of the issues or this will tear your marriage apart - it was the major factor in my marriage breakdown, ex turned out to be infertile and didn't cope well - very macho, police inspector, one of the boys etc

wait till he's asleep then take advantage of his body. men work by remote control.

Sex without consent?
Unless you think that by marrying her, he agreed to have sex whenever she wanted him to.

The more stressed out you are, the less likely you are to get pg (don't know why, but it usually works that way). I know it's difficult when that's what you really want, but try an relax a bit, try a 'date' or something.
When me and my dp wanted to have dc2, we didn't really start trying, we just stopped trying not to get pg, if that makes sense. It took us 5 months, but these things take time and she's nearly 4 months old now.
It will happen, if you can, try to forget about the 'baby-making' sex for a bit and see if that helps (I know it's hard, I've been there).

lovebunny that's not helpful or funny, in fact that would be rape.

I agree that an open and honest chat with your husband would be helpful here. You need to find out if he has worries about having a baby, and if he doesn't you both need to try together. This requires commitment from both of you, not just you.
If he is committed perhaps you could chat about what does turn him on, just talking about it can be enough to stimulate your sex life.
Good luck

Hate to say it, but it sounds like he is just not that into you, and his sex drive is obviously on the floor.

If you want a baby, you are either going to have to accept this, and make the best of what you have, or find a bloke that likes making them with you, and is more attracted to you physically.

People really think he doesn´t want a baby?

The way I read it they´ve been trying for a year- 7 months of which he was away & his leave timed to when OP might get pregnant!

And he´s only been back two months!

Seems to me that there´s no fun left!

I wouldn't agree with "he's just not that into you". Some men just have a lower sex drive. I know several people who don't have much sex but still have a good relationship.

I don't know much but for me looking at ovulation charts and targetting sex for particular days didn't work. As soon as I stopped doing this, I conceived. I think i conceived several days before I ovulated - I checked afterwards because I was worried about the wine I'd had that night and concluded I couldn't possibly be pregnant, only to find I was at the end of the month.

I think you have a difficult situation. Probably only solved by talking to him?

We usually have sex about once a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. DH thought that I could get pregnant if we just continued as was, but I didn't take contraception. One day I sat him down and explained how difficult it was to get pregnant and that it might be a good idea to have sex every 3 days or so if we really wanted a baby. I honestly think that he just had no idea about how the process worked. Once I explained the mechanics to him he put in a lot more effort.

DH definitely did want a baby, he just had no clue, and a lower sex drive than me.

Yes, diddl. I think that what the OP describes could indicate someone who is reluctant to have a child, has some reservations, is scared, etc. It's worth talking about.

Op, I really feel for you. It's one thing to have a low sex drive, but couple that with then questioning whether he wants a baby is really hard to deal with. Only you can have that conversation with him, but don't think messages on a thread will answer that for you - I don't think you sound like a baby-mad woman who only wants her husband for his man seed. You sound like someone who has wait a long time for something they really want, and you're worried it's not going to happen!

You (not you, OP specifically but people) do need to put effort in to make a baby. Sorry to anyone who thinks it's all rainbows and fairy dust Sometimes people do get pregnant after one accident - but when you're ready to start trying for a baby, you realise how stupidly low the odds are. A 48 hour window of opportunity once a month, and even if you hit the right day - you only have a 40% chance of it taking!

OP, there's things you can do - I was recommended Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and I got some medical grade cheapie Ovulation tests from Amazon (the wonders of the internet!) because I learnt that you could have your period but not ovulate. I'd come off the pill a few months before, didn't feel confident charting or spotting EWCM and wanted the reassurance of a positive or negative test. I also took Maca root - I'd started taking it before TTCing because I was so stressed at work, and was worried about my hormone levels and imbalances. Then when I read more, it's a massive fertility booster for both women and men so both of you could take it! It's a Peruvian root ground up into capsule or powder form, it's not a synthetic and I would definitely recommend it even just for yourself to not let stress creep in.

But ultimately - your DH needs to commit to the effort of TTCing, regardless of his sex drive. If you can have a conversation with him and he reassures you he does want a baby, he needs to play his part. He could take herbal viagra - again, Maca is good for this - and he could read up and educate himself on the actual mechanics of conceiving. My husband was training and working very hard when we were TTCing - he took some testosterone supplements mainly to keep him going as he was training for a sporting event, but it definitely helped DTD when we needed to! I'm happy to IM the details of those too.

In an ideal world, you'd just happen to fall to pregnant. But you have to time it sometimes, particularly if one half of the partnership has a low sex drive. I'm sure all of those things would make you feel better, like you were in this together.

Thanks for all the comments.

Having thought about it, I think I was upset last night because last month he seemed really keen to have sex, and I thought we had turned a corner - not just because I want to conceive but I was also really happy to be having sex with my husband after years of it very rarely happening.

So when he then didn't want to last night I was incredibly disappointed!

To answer a few questions, since we married 4 and a half years ago we have not used contraception, but had sex so rarely that I wasn't surprised I didn't conceive. We had very little money so weren't aiming to get pregnant. Then last year, about April, he said he thought we should try. But still ended up having sex only about once a month, or not at all. In late September he went away, but before he went we had a big heart to heart about things and he agreed that he did want a baby and he did find me attractive and he does enjoy sex when we have it, and he said he would make a real effort to come home at fertile times etc. He could only came home once a month so it made sense, to me anyway, that we tried to have those visits at the 'right' time. But it sometimes didn't work out that way.

He came back for good just over a month ago and seemed really keen to have sex so I was very happy. But then last night seemed a step back. I know it will take time but it's very frustrating when I am so keen for us to have a child. And I don't mind it taking time if there is a possibility every month of me getting pregnant, but if months go by when we don't have sex at all then that is incredibly frustrating!

I would never say 'let's not bother tonight because I can't get pregnant.' I am thrilled to have sex with him whenever he wants. But I do think that if I never initiated it it would never happen. Or only very, very occasionally anyway. Yes that does make me sad but I wouldn't end my marriage over it. In every other way we have a very good relationship.

What struck me about your post that no-one else has picked up on is "he's got two twelve hours shifts ahead of him". He may well be genuinely tired. Does he need to know when the fertile time is and that's what you are having sex for? Couldn't you just be loving and romantic and cajole him along at the right times. If he doesn't like sex could you investigate more mechanical ways of insemination.

Also, would it be worth having some investigations if you haven't used contraception for the last four years.

I feel for you.

I was in a similar situation. (I'm not saying yours will turn out the same I'm just sharing...) I had been married 7 years with a dd from a previous relationship. Both dh and I found out I had fertility issues and we decided to try for a baby of our own. We had fertility drugs and sperm samples taken but he never really seemed that interested in having sex with me - yet alone at the Right times! I just wanted sex whenever! - he had quite a low sex drive... After a year of this he dropped a bombshell that he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't want to be in a marriage. He upped and left and went back to live with his mum!!

2 years later (haven't heard from ex h since) I met someone new and we spoke quite early on about wanting children.. He was as keen as me to have a baby and want to have a family with me and dd .. Several years later we are now happily married and I am 10 days away from having our ds (via section). Dh was a different kettle of fish when trying for our baby - we've always hada great sex life anyway but we had sex sometimes twice a day during my fertile times and I used the little ovulation sticks and when I showed him a smiley face on the stick and me with a grin he'd be running upstairs getting his kit off lol... Turns out he had low sperm count and together with my ferility probs (and increasing age) we were referred for ivf - but found out we'd conceived naturally on our 11th month of trying! :)
He is a lovely step dad to dd now aged 9 and is more of a partner to me than ex dh ever was.

I'm not suggesting you leave your dh. Or that he will leave you. I just wonder if his heart is reallY into this... And whether you can live with the mismatched sex drives anyway...

Sorry I missed the post about him not really wanting sex.

I would have thought that 4 and a half years is a long time for him to avoid sex as much as possible if he doesn´t want a baby!

Sounds like a low sex drive-or does he do a lot of manual work/12hr stints?

JUst to say I understand exactly where you are coming from! We TTC for 3 years before finally being referred for IVF which gave us our gorgeous DD. DH has a low sex drive, caused by depression. It was such a stress trying to get him motivated at all...not because he did not want a child but because of other medical issues. When we realised things were not happening despite trying at the right times (which I had to explain to him carefully cos he thought you could get pregnant anytime.....) it took me time to get him to see a doc and then we had to go through lots more stress when tests showed I was fine but he had problems.......

We have been trying for 4 years for a sibling for DD (with a failed IVF in there).
One thing I recall from the clinic is that if you are not having sex often to try and make sure that you do a few days before the fertile time, then at the right time so that the sperm are newer (or something like that)

When you really want a baby and things aren't happening it really can take over your life, I know as it did (and in some ways still does although I am almost resigned to the fact that siblings won't happen).

We chatted and the agreement was once my period started I would let him know approx whent he dates would be and gently lead up to them with reminders, winks etc!!!! We both agreed that if sex was to be limited it needed to be targeted! But this was waht we both agreed........and it took a lot of chats to get there.

I really hope you get things sorted out!

Op, I really feel for you.
Those who suggest the op should just have sex whenever and see what happens - it's not that easy! And a pretty insensitive thing to suggest if you have actually read the whole op (and later posts).

I think you need a really good, honest talk with your DH. As others have said, he may well not know how hard it can be to get pregnant. But it's important that he knows how you feel and that he has the opportunity to tell you how he feels.

a thing Couldn't agree more with your earlier post.

He always does 12 hour shifts but it's office work rather than manual labour. Plus he works for 2 days then gets 3 off, works for 3 gets 4 off etc.