to be completely heartless?

[BrittaPerry]

DH always seems to have an excuse to drink.

When we first met it was that his previous marriage had failed a few months before we met. Fair enough, I was supportive. I got fed up when I got told (whilst in hospital during my first pregnancy) that nothing I was going through was anything like what his ex had gone through with her major illness - it wasn't but I just needed support - same as when my crash section wasn't as bad as the general that his ex had had for her completely unrelated operation) but overall, I accepted that it must have been hard for him for his relationship to break down and then to feel guilty about knocking up his random rebound fling (ie me)

OK...so then it got a couple of years into our relationship. I had severe mental health problems, which must have been hard for him. I don't remember much from those times - I know DD1 spent a lot of time with my mum, and while I was in hospital, she was always with my mum. That isn't to say it wasn't hard for DH though, and he drank because of how hard it was.

Then his brother got seriously ill, so he drank to deal with that. Fair enough, I can't even imagine what it would be like to go through that. I got pregnant again in that time so my mental state was stable, so I didn't mind him going out and drinking all night three times a week, because of the mental strain. We moved across the country to be with his family, and I scrimped and saved to afford the deposit for a new house, and he spent the first months rent on booze, so his parents had to pay that - I'm pretty sure he blamed it on both of us.

Then his brother died. Awful, awful time. I was six months pregnant, but of course I was there for him and his family as much as I could be. He went out drinking nearly every night, but that was fair enough, given what was going on in his life.

I tried to be supportive through the pregnancy and his grieving, but there were times like when his parents were watching DD1 and I couldn't so much as roll over in bed to get my phone (I had SPD that incapacitated me) and he went "to the shop" and stayed out all night. Apparently me being so dependant reminded him too much of his ex, hence why he couldn't stand to be in the house.

Then I had DD2 (of course, a planned section was NOTHING like his exes planned back surgery) and of course he found that hard. So he would be an hour or two late home from work every night, but it was only because he didn't want to come home from work and face all the stressful home stuff without a drink, and anyway, if he came home straight from work he would be angry, and we didn't want that, did we?

Then DD2 was teething and I started work again, but of course I had to look after DD2 because she was breastfed, and so of course DH couldn't look after her. IT was my fault for wanting to work without sorting out my home priorities apparently.

Then I got ill again, so of course he had to drink to cope with that (tbf, I don't remember much of this time, I was very very ill)

Then he got back into serious drinking and cheated on me, so agreed to go to relate and AA. Relate was a waste of time, apart from bringing us closer through mocking the useless woman. AA was going well, I thought, untill I found that when he had been sitting talking to me and the kids, and told me he was googling the nearest meeting for that night in the laptop, he was actually googling a strip club.

Still, we worked it out.

I got ill again, and ended up in hospital. He was very supportive.

Then after that he had to drink to cope with me.

Then he had to drink because he was thinking about his brother.

Now it has turned into drinking because...his parents are old and apparently might die at any minute. They are in their 60's and in good health.

When he is drink, he starts off fun and outgoing, but then turns maudlin. He never actually hits people, but gets kind of aggressive in speech. He is very clever, but uses that to run rings around people on any point they make, even if I know he agrees with them - he just like to debate, even if the other person doesn't want to. He also spends the day after a session shouting at the kids and me for the slightest thing.

AIBU to say that he either needs to see his doctor and get help or stop expecting me to tiptoe round his drinking? He thinks I am being heartless because he only drinks to deal with his life.

I am going to check out of this thread. You are not ready to hear the advice yet. When you are, we'll be here

I can't help but wonder what you hoped to gain from starting this thread unless it was people saying 'there, there it will get better'. In which case this isn't going to happen. There's a lot of good advice from people in similar situations but you're just not prepared to listen.

If you are not prepared to leave your husband then you have to accept that nothing will change, but as many have said, this is not a good environment for your children to grow up in & I don't understand why you won't do something for their sake.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you just aren't listening to anyone on here & I hope you do see sense & make steps to get yourself & your children into a safe & stable environment before something terrible happens.

HelsBels - the OP won't understand that there may be potential damage to her DDs because she cannot or will not understand/accept that she is in any way damaged by her own parents' set up. She fails to see that she is repeating the same cycle that her parents had, by marrying and excusing an alcoholic man, who puts his own needs and alcohol before anyone else, including their children.

Until she faces up to the fact (yes, fact) that she has been "damaged" to the extent that she thinks this level of alcohol abuse is "normal", then she won't see that her children can be at all harmed, because she doesn't think she has been.

It's a lost cause until she opens herself up to the truth of the matter.

I think the fact you've even posted this is a positive step though Britta. You have on some level acknowledged that something isn't right.

I hope the rest will follow in time.

I do agree that you need to put your DDs first here. Different circumstances but having had a mother who put her brother before her daughter despite abuse, I can tell you it never stops hurting.

Please OP, listen to the great advice given in this thread.

DS' father is a high-functioning alcoholic. Last night he drank almost 12 cans of beer in one go, but most people who didn't know him wouldn't know he was drunk to look at him.
I've learnt not to speak to him or let him near DS when he's been drinking, and I've made this clear. Because drink turns him into an arsehole of giant proportions. In fact, in my experience, that's ALL that drinking ever does. Watching DS' dad over the years we were together and the years since has actually turned me teetotal.

There is NO excuse for drinking yourself stupid. It's no-one's fault but his own. People cope with grief and stress without drink all the time, so why can't he?
You need to really re-evaluate your feelings for him, remembering that he needs alcohol as a crutch rather than turning to you. And no, it's got nothing to do with your MH problems, as I'm not bipolar but my exP treated me exactly the same way yours seems to treat you. By turning to alcohol whenever something bad happens instead of talking through it with me.

Alcoholics care more about alcohol than they do anyone else. It hurts to realise this about someone you love, but it's true.
Please realise this and get your DC away from this man ASAP.
Your bipolar disorder, even if you've been sectioned for it before, is still far less destructive than his drinking, imo.

I don't think you're being heartless. You're trying to help him.

He's drinking for the wrong reasons i.e. to relieve stress which to me signals that he has an alcohol problem. It's having an effect on his family life.

I think the only way he will stop is for him to recognise this which he doesn't seem to be doing at the moment.

My father was similar. The only thing that made him stop was a life threatening illness of his own. Unfortunately it was too late and he died from it. He wasn't a fall down type drunk. He drank to relieve stress so in stressful times of life, he drank more than he would have otherwise. He didn't drink every night, but when he did drink he'd have more than advisable levels.

I think you are right to tell him his drinking is a problem. If you don't, who will? There are some excellent online forums if he's not ready to be open about it. If you could get him to even look at one, he might see himself in some of the posts there and recognise the problem. It also helps to see how it's affected people's lives - sometimes what he's doing escalates to losing your family, your home, your job.

You're not being heartless - he is in denial I'd say. By the time you get to your forties/fifties many people will have lost parents, siblings, friends, been made redundant, suffered illnesses etc. Nobody has an easy life.

What about your stress? My dh likes a drink but there's no way he'd just not come home and help with dc and go off to the pub instead.

Sorry if all this sounds naive.

I used to be a drug and alcohol worker, and putting it bluntly he won't stop drinking until he is ready to stop I'm afraid.

He doesn't have to go to AA, there are plenty of organisations who will be more than happy to help him. But he doesn't think he's got a problem and until he does things will just carry on.

I don't know you OP but I feel for you, you have to stop making excuses for him ... 'he's not that bad' even if he drinks once a week, but gets so hammered he causes problems at home, then he clearly has a problem!

I would suggest you both go to his GP and ask about help, he can have a detox (if required), counselling etc. If you don't, I can guarantee you will be able to post this post in five years and nothing will have changed?

If this continues this will have an effect on you children, do you really want that?