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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that all of the well-off parents at my DC school think...

67 replies

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 20:46

that we're not as good as them? We're quite new to the school and the parents we've met are nice and friendly...DD aged 7 has been asked on a couple of playdates and made some friends...but I keep looking at their cars and clothes and worrying what they will think of us when I return the playdates!

It's a state school...a very good one in a nice village...we're there by default really as we couldn't get in locally...a lot of the parents come from the village we live in which is the next one to the school iyswim.

I have begun to worry that they will look down on us...they mostly have really posh cars and houses which are worth more than ours...we don''t even have a car at all!

I know they've ben nice but can you tell me...if you're well-off etc do you judge the parents of your DC friends who are not?

We're both in the arts my DH and I...whilst they are all MDs and things...they also mostly have 10 or 15 years on us in terms of age and have had their DC older....so maybe waited till' finacially sound first (unlike us!)

We have a fledgling business that really isn't making much profit yet...we're struggling and I am feeling nervous of these nice people (they are nice in the main) seeing my shittily decorated house.

OP posts:

lovebunny · 02/06/2012 20:49

go ahead with life as if there was no difference in available funds. you do what you can, let them do it their way. life's rich tapestry and all that. nice families are always in demand as friends, money or no money!

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 20:50

I know what you mean lovebunny but you can't help but worry about it....we're just as well educated as any of them...but we're woefully inadequate at making money!

OP posts:

rhondajean · 02/06/2012 20:52

Absolutely not.

Some folk probably do but I like my children to be around people who are hard working and love their work, regardless of what it is, and to realise that everyone doesn't get paid the same however hard they work.

But I do not have a flash car or an expensive house myself

DamnBamboo · 02/06/2012 20:52

Anybody who judges you on your material worth is not somebody you want to associate with.

It matters not what you own, or where you live as long as you are a good person and a good parent.

aldiwhore · 02/06/2012 20:52

If they look down on you well, you can't stop them. If they look down on your children, would you want your child playing at their house?

We're the Clampits of our village, its vair vair posh, we're not. The houses are large, our isn't. They wear Boden, I wouldn't be seen dead in the stuff even if I could afford.

My children are not lacking in friends. I couldn't give a stuff if people judge me on our income... I've made good friends anyway.

You're ARTY! You're fabulous, art isn't in riches, and they probably envy you and are worried that you'll judge their lack of creativity as much as you worry they'll judge your lack of bank credit!! Chill. Be yourself. You'll find many a shallow person, but you may also find a few people who will become friends for life... in the meantime, your children WILL have playdates if you put energy into organising them, most people are polite enough to return the gesture,m so even if they and you decide you won't be mates, your child will still get that experience.

My eldest asked the other day why we don't live in a super huge house like his mate... I was honest, we don't have a super huge budget like his mate, but we're rich in other ways, to which he replied "Yes mum, we're rich in love and home grown vegetables" - that's good enough! x

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 02/06/2012 20:53

I don't care about the wealth of a family - the thing I care about is whether or not the child behaves reasonably well when under my care and how my ds is treated whilst at their place

it will all be fine!

Akermanis · 02/06/2012 20:53

Don't worry what anyone else thinks, some of them will be nice and some will be grade A jerks but, that will have nothing to do with how much money they've got

DamnBamboo · 02/06/2012 20:54

Anyway, just because they have nice clothes and cars, doesn't necessarily mean they're rich (within reason of course).

I can look like a right scruffbag somedays, me and my husband both, and if somebody were to judge us for either our education or wealth based on this, they'd be woefully wrong!

Don't worry about it, just be yourself

StealthPolarBear · 02/06/2012 20:54

No you honestly shpuldnt be worrying
They too will have people with more money and people with less money around them, that is life, unless you're royalty
Few people judge their friends by material goods, and if they do, what does that say about them
This is about YOUR insecurity

hillyhilly · 02/06/2012 20:55

I am not stealth boasting but I live in a bigger house with a wealthier lifestyle than many of my children's peers and I frequently feel embarrassed about it so there is no way that they will be looking down on you.
Apart from anything else, especially as you are younger, most people will have been where you are now and remember it well (& fondly, weirdly!).
There are, in my experience very few snobs who look down on others for what why have or have not, what people get judgey about as we see on here, is how people treat their lives and their kids.

yawningmonster · 02/06/2012 20:56

I worry about this. We live in an area that was cheap and unpopular 5 yrs ago now it seems to be the destination to be. As a result our house is cheap and fairly shabby and I am not much better however the other places being built around us have a price tag three times as much as our place. I have in general found people to be lovely and I still love it here but I worry everytime someone needs to come over (child to play, etc) what they think with our second hand mismatched furniture and messy to boot etc. I worry more more when I go to theirs and see the stark difference of not only quality but beautifully presented stuff but no one has shunned me yet.

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 20:56

They've been invited to parties and had playdates Aldi I just worry that the parents will think we're poor when they come round and see our holey sofa!

We won't buy stuff on credit so everything we have we own...which means a lot of it is shit!

DD sometimes says things like "Why isn't our staircase massive like Xs?" and similar....that doesn't bother me as much as people looking down their nose at us....I have a fear of that.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 02/06/2012 20:56

No one important judges by material possessions.

Ergo if they did they're not important

It really is that simple.

Tuppence2 · 02/06/2012 20:56

I couldn't not reply to this...
I went to a private school, at age 10 and went there from a pretty rough primary in a pretty rough area. My mum was a single mum who didn't drive and we lived in a council flat... (I got into school on a bursary)
The girls I made friends with had parents who were chartered accountants and doctors, etc. My mum was really wary of how they would see and treat us because of these differences...

16 years later, some of these girls are still my best friends, and my mum is good friends with their parents. Whenever we all talk about growing up and having sleepovers or whatever, they all say sleepovers at my house were the best. My mum would make us amazing cakes and goodies to eat - we always had bacon sandwiches for breakfast! she would join us to watch scary films and act like one of the girls. She was the mum who took us into drinking aged 16 because our parents were worried we'd lie and go anyway, she rang their parents to ask permission, helped us get dressed up, let us have a few drinks and made us cheese on toast and cups of tea when we got home!

If you get kids or parents judging you on your decorating, they aren't worth knowing IMHO

Loonytoonie · 02/06/2012 20:57

We're not well off - comfortable is what I'd say. DD's best friend in school (and possibly the nicest child I've ever met) have parents that are absolutely skint. Not in a poverty-stricken sort of way, but they have no car, have to watch every penny. Her parents are now amongst my closest friends and I adore them. They have such a positive attitude to things and I trust them implicitly.

Seriously OP, take some time to settle, but if you are judged for what you don't have, then it says more about them than it ever will about you. Don't waste time worrying what others think.

Tranquilidade · 02/06/2012 20:57

Just be yourself and remember the saying "the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter"

One of DSs schoolfriend's family were very wealthy, we have been out with them when they have ordered £100+ bottles of champagne, they have since gone bankrupt and a lot of that was happening when they were already heavily in debt. It made me realise that things are not always as they seem.

Money isn't everything, be confident.

AgentZigzag · 02/06/2012 20:58

It's easy to say it shouldn't matter what they think of you and it'd be a reflection of them if they judged you harshly, but it's different in reality when it could involve your DC being upset.

We're in the middle and neither rich or cash strapped (yet!), and the age and what I think are the financial circumstances of DD1s friends parents never enter my head when I'm thinking of inviting them round.

I'm a bit of a scruffbag hardly what you'd call a high flyer and don't like other people am a bit awkward socially, but this doesn't seem to have put anyone off inviting DD round or letting their DC come round here.

There's nothing you can do about the way they think, but there is something you can do about how you think about what you think they're thinking (which they probably aren't anyway)

candr · 02/06/2012 20:58

If you are really worried arrange playdates at the local park etc till you get to know the mum's better. You will have a better idea then whether you are happy with them coming to your house which will also tell you which mum's you want to be friends with. If they don't care about what your house is like then they are prob worth getting to know properly.
I worked with kids who I overheard telling friends that I was really poor as I only had a small house and small car. I sat them down and explained that they had 2 parents with good jobs and 3 kids so they needed more space than me but also the size and number of your possesions is not a reflection on your personality.

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 20:59

Oh you're all so nice. It makes me feel better...most people are like you lot I think...I hope!

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/06/2012 20:59

I've been where you are! It is worrying,but my children are older than yours now so I'm a bit further down the line.

If these people thought badly of you, they wouldn't have invited your child over. The good thing about playground socialising is that you have a lot of opportunity to get to know people before they get a chance to judge you on your home. They shouldn't do that anyway, but if they are going to, the they will at least know you as a person that they like first.

aldiwhore · 02/06/2012 21:01

cornerhouse Haha we have HOLY sofas too.. and manky carpet (next on list) AND over the last 8 years have made enough really nice acquaintances to have house parties with children a plenty.

Actually, one couple I was scared of have become extremely close. They are both in healthcare, I thought they'd be extreme clean freaks... their house is bigger but their mess is more and their sofa is worse than ours!! They are though utterly lovely. I don't judge them (or my newest clean freak bare minimalist friend who's house doesn't look like anyone has ever set foot in it) and they don't judge me.

Stop worrying. I bet you any money that if and when you ARE judged, your defence mechanisms will kick in and you'll be unafraid, and unwilling, to mingle with them!

StealthPolarBear · 02/06/2012 21:05

Tuppence and on the flip side of that I had a friend whose parents had important jobs in the community, huge house and a pool. I loved going there but never actually considered that they were much richer than us and I'm fairly sure the opposite applies. I am from a privileged but not super rich background

FreeBirdsFlying · 02/06/2012 21:07

My best friend lives in a council house,is a single mum,scrapping by. I met her through a playdate with my eldest DC. When I got to her house I didn't notice what her sofa was like or her decor. She was the warmest,most welcoming person and the hours flew by as we laughed.

sadbuttryingmummy · 02/06/2012 21:08

definatly not.

i only judge them on if they are a nice person with decent morals

StealthPolarBear · 02/06/2012 21:11

Ooh I wouldn't go that far! I judge, definitely. Just on important stuff like pom bears and the use of between you and i :o

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