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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that all of the well-off parents at my DC school think...

67 replies

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 20:46

that we're not as good as them? We're quite new to the school and the parents we've met are nice and friendly...DD aged 7 has been asked on a couple of playdates and made some friends...but I keep looking at their cars and clothes and worrying what they will think of us when I return the playdates!

It's a state school...a very good one in a nice village...we're there by default really as we couldn't get in locally...a lot of the parents come from the village we live in which is the next one to the school iyswim.

I have begun to worry that they will look down on us...they mostly have really posh cars and houses which are worth more than ours...we don''t even have a car at all!

I know they've ben nice but can you tell me...if you're well-off etc do you judge the parents of your DC friends who are not?

We're both in the arts my DH and I...whilst they are all MDs and things...they also mostly have 10 or 15 years on us in terms of age and have had their DC older....so maybe waited till' finacially sound first (unlike us!)

We have a fledgling business that really isn't making much profit yet...we're struggling and I am feeling nervous of these nice people (they are nice in the main) seeing my shittily decorated house.

OP posts:

Moln · 02/06/2012 21:15

Oh here I know where you are coming from - my two go to a school where the vast majority of parents are serious well off (some of whom are amongst the wealthest in the country - I'm not in the UK btw). I earn less in a week than they do in an hour!

At birthday parties hide and seek are restricted to the ball room and the drrawing room for example. In my house it's restricted becasue there are only two hiding spaces to hide!

Some of them do look down on me but to be honest if that's there attitude I'd rather not mix with them! Those that talk to me know there is a difference but it's not an issue (however some simply can't grasp it that 'no I'm not going away for mid term' means I'm stay in my house and not going o one of the many second homes (which I suppose can't be second homes when they are in multitude!)

I have had a child come into the house who said "you're house is tiny!" and my ds once said on entering the gates of a school friend "gasp It's bigger than a hotel!"

not a lot ou can do about these sort of comments because they are from children and they are true!

However those that look down on you aren't worth knowing, they wouldn't be worth knowing either if you were equal in you're worth to each other either!

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 21:15

Stealth I will be sure to offer Pom Bears and a Fruit Shoot as a snack to any visiting DC and I will do it IN FRONT of the parents so that I can watch for a flicker of recognition....be it horror or amusement.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 21:17

Moln a child from DDs old school once said "There's nowhere to GO in here...your Mummy can see you everywhere!" she wasnt being rude...she was only 4...but her house is huge and over three floors!

OP posts:

DrSeuss · 02/06/2012 21:17

If I'm honest, I do judge but not by their finances. I see their parenting style and whethe they have nice kids or brats. I see their manners. I see how friendly or not they are. I listen to whether they do nothing but whine about the school and make unrealistic demands of the staff o if they support the school. I could care less about how much money they have, unless, as one parent I know does, they constantly put on FB that they are off shopping then complain that they are broke! I suppose that's not really a financial judgement, that's more of a can you not work out cause and effect you dimwit judgement!

DorothyGherkins · 02/06/2012 21:18

In my work, I regularly come into contact with some extremely wealthy people and their families. I feared at first I would have absolutely nothing in common with them. Now over five years, I really really love working with them! And I dont know why I was surprised to find that they are just like everyone else, they get tired, they get ill, they get depressed, they have fun, they celebrate, they have good times, they have bad times - they are absolutely no different to the rest of us, apart from a few facts like they spend a lot more in Waitrose than I do on groceries, and they go away a bit more often. We are all human, and there are nice beings, and nasty beings! Doesnt depend on how much wealth you have.

WorraLiberty · 02/06/2012 21:20

Stuff 'em!

Since when does having money make you 'above' those who don't?

I must have missed that one.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 02/06/2012 21:23

I think if someone is shallow enough to look down on you because of your financial situation then they're not a proper friend or someone nice to associate with anyway.

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 02/06/2012 21:29

It's funny because when I was training in London I mixed with some really very rich and "well bred" types...they'd all been to Benenden and Rugby and were my friends...we were students together though so it wasn't an issue...we just had fun.

Some of these people are still friends and they're FAR more "scarily rich" than these parents at school are...but they're my old friends so I don't consider that they might judge because they just don't!

OP posts:

apricotmonday · 02/06/2012 21:31

It does not matter!

And as you say the parents are a good few years older than you - so they've got 10-15 years more earning money years than you.

Please do invite friends round, it does not matter what you think your house looks like, just make them welcome.

FWIW my kids have been invited to homes with acres of land (one had a helicopter) and to rented homes with 2 bedrooms, and anything inbetween.

Some parents you do click with, sometimes the kids drift apart but they are all worth meeting

Mrsjay · 02/06/2012 21:35

Dont worry about it honestly if they look down on you then its their problem but you said they were lovely and nice to you , when mine were at primary there were all sorts of parents and my friend when dd1 was in primary was a surgeons wife , i was also friends with the ministers wife , my husband was a kitchen fitter at the time , people are people and if you get on with somebody it shouldnt be a problem ,

apricotmonday · 02/06/2012 21:37

and yes as TheHouseOnTheCorner said I have worked with friends from said private schools and all we did was party, (even although I came from secondary state and a 3 bed semi).

deste · 02/06/2012 21:39

My son went to a private school and one of his best friends parents were one of the richest families in our country. We at the time were struggling but lived in a nice area, bought before we were struggling BTW. The boys just played together, they got on well and we/my son were never judged. My son did mention his friend had sneaked him into the jewellery room. Their kitchen was bigger than our ground floor. To be honest they came from nothing but worked hard and in fact were titled but were very friendly. If the boys had a sleepover at ours I would buy them a supermarket pizza and drinks. If they went to theirs the boys were given money to order a takeaway and he was given more money to spend on takeaways than we had to keep us for the week. If they are genuinely nice people they won't notice.

WorraLiberty · 02/06/2012 21:39

Actually having re-read your OP

This really is your problem isn't it?

Why/what is it about you that makes you think others will look down on you for not having a similar bank balance to them?

reastie · 02/06/2012 21:41

If they judge you based on your house or take a dislike to you as they perceive you as poor they're not worth knowing. IME of my sister going to private school and being the only person in her class to live in a semi detached house they all had big mansions none of the other parents ever had any issues with my sister or my mum

Laquitar · 02/06/2012 21:42

I think some of them might be snobby, some might actually prefer you for company because they are tired of competing with the others, some will appreciate you for who you are....
Just stay yourself then.

How can an artist's house be bad anyway? The old sofa and broken chair are..erm..part of the artistic style .

Moln · 02/06/2012 21:42

Ha ha brilliant

"there's no where to go!"

llove it - it's true of this house to, though I think I'll be thinking the same in the teenage years (when I want to hide from them!)

BrandyAlexander · 02/06/2012 21:45

I certainly wouldn't look down on anyone who had less than our family and its actually not even likely to feature on my radar. Only total twunks do that. Tbh, I am usually far more worried that when people come and visit us that they will judge me for how much crapstuff my dcs have in their playroom.

lisad123 · 02/06/2012 21:46

I have a few friends who are well off, one has a swimming pool in her massive house. But as dd1 puts it, "if you have to work hard to buy a nice house, that you can't spend any time in because your working, what's the point of the nice house"
We live in a two bed Terence in rough area and hate it but life throws odd things at you sometimes.
If your friends judge you on your house and car, they were never true friends to start with

yellowraincoat · 02/06/2012 21:47

Try not to worry too much. My mum worried constantly that people would think we were skint (we were) and it affected my confidence a lot as a child. If even my mum didn't have confidence in us as a family, how could I?

marriedinwhite · 02/06/2012 21:48

Nope. Until last year my car was French (is still French) and ten years old with dents. The armchair I'm sitting in has a hole in the arm and the stuffing/canvas is coming out.

The house is Z2 and is worth a bomb (only ever let a few facts slip in Mnet) but couldn't care less about other people's trappings - richer (many) or poorer (many). What matters is whether their children are nice and we know lots of nice children with foul parents in local authority accommodation and lots of foul children with magic circle parents adjacent to Cannizaro park - and vice versa. We also know lots of foul children with lovely less well off parents, some lovely children with lovely less well off parents, some lovely children with lovely well off parens and some lovely well off children with foul well off parents.

People are people and need to be judged for themselves not for what they have. Gosh that precied the above paragraph.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 02/06/2012 21:57

Oooh is your house worth a fortune marriedinwhite. I don't think you've ever mentioned it before. yawn

Naoko · 02/06/2012 22:03

I went to school (abroad) in a village that'd been absorbed by suburban sprawl in the last decade or so. As a result the village's income bracket (and thus the school) were very diverse - there were kids from the local traveller site and the asylum seeker's accomodation, kids from families who'd lived in the village for generations, and kids from the families who were having large houses built on former farmland recently released for development. All the parents would just get together based on which kids their own children had formed friendships with, and us kids all just knew that at one birthday party you might be sat around somebody's one bed terrace baking cookies and another party might be some kind of hired-entertainment, no expense spared extravaganza in a huge back garden. That's just how things were.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Anyone who judges you by the size of your house or the state of your clothes or anything similarly material isn't worth your time anyway.

DamnBamboo · 02/06/2012 22:04

Ah yellow, makes to sad to read that.

LeQueen · 02/06/2012 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickseasterchick · 02/06/2012 22:16

When we lived in the country I went to all the baby groups and toddler clubs and made lots of friends,as we lived in the centre of the village near the primary school mostly they would come back to my house and have a coffee and the dc would play until school was finished .......I later learnt 1 of them lived in quite literally a mansion,another was married to a wealthy farmer living on a huge estate and another had a massive house and was an interior designer - when I said i felt quite ashamed that Id been having them round mine (a tiny little cottage -although it was listed ) they all said how much they loved mine and how at home their dc were .....trust me money doesnt buy that.

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