to think my mother is being selfish (but Iam still upset)

[susiesmith]

My Mum is ill. She lives in a nursing home, which is a nice nursing home but still I know it must be very difficult to accept for her.

However, she is tearing me apart and having a negative affect on my marriage.

I have 2 children aged 4 and 3, a job and I also look after my dad who is still at home but has dementia; so I need to call in on him every day.

My mum puts loads of pressure on me to visit her and take her out.

I honestly get up in the monrning most days at 6.30 and don't sit down until the kids go to bed at 7pm. Then I have work to do at home and all the usual admin of running a home. But my mum appears to have no concept of what my life involves. She is really offhand, sulky and unpleasant to me when I do visit take her out, which is at least once a week , usually twice.

My husband is getting really pissed off with her as he thinks our children should be our priority and my mum is being selfish as all her needs are catered for in the home and visiting or taking her out once a week should be acceptable. I think he especially feels this as both his parents are in poor health yet we only visit them once a month.

Sometimes I feel angry that all my friends have help with childcare from their parents, we have no help of anyone, which my dad and parents in law recognise is hard going BUT my mum just piles on the guilt all the time. Then at other times I feel so upset that I am disappointing her so much and letting her down.

By the way I should point out my mother is in no way accommadating about when you can visit. I have suggested the i come to take her out at 10am ish, she wont do this as t would mean she has to get up earlier than she wants she wants visits in the afternoon ( even though she is aware that is when the kids have a swimming lesson on the day I do not work)

I suppose I see both sides but I think the balance is towards you if you are willing to visit once or twice a week.Does she get to see her dgc at all?

Yes but i always take them, but i have to say she is not that interested. she called tonight to say she wants meto take her to john lewis tomorrow and not to bring all the family as she cant have a proper look around with them! Dh is furious not least because he finds it hard going with the 2 of them on his own all afternoon!

I really feel for you. Your life sounds nearly impossible. The guilt can stop, you are doing more than most.

I have to be honest though, I do feel for her as well.

I'm going to ask the obvious, is there anyone else in the family who can help bump up the number of visits? Could you have a chat to the nursing home staff re local groups that might help out - has your mum ever been a church member or similar?

Re the swimming lessons, could you and dh split forces, he takes the kids to swimming, you go to see your mum? it does take ages to get up in nursing homes. Or could you see her in the evening with the kids, have a meal together?

like thegreylady i can see both sides.

it must be very difficult living in a home, especially when your dad is still at home and seeing a lot more of you! i know it's selfish on her part, but I think it's understandable.

is there no-one you can share the care with? does your dad have carers in?

I don't have first hand experience, but I know several people who care for very ill partners, or elderly parents an I can see how utterly draining it can be so you have my sympathy

I think it must be very hard to accept that your independence is curtailed, and your mum is obviously very reliant on you, despite her care needs being taken care of.

You sound exhausted.
Do you have any siblings or other family?
Any other help for your Dad?
Do your parents see each other at all?
Are there plenty of activities and stuff for her to do at the home?

I think I would ignore your mothers sulks and simply refuse to let it get to you.
I'd also knock swimming lessons on the head and take the kids to see her with you instead. And go one other morning every week or other week. Work out what you can manage and just do that.

Your DH should be more sympathetic. His parents at least still have each other. Your parents are more isolated and sound in greater need.

Do you have a dial a ride type service in your area that could help your mum with trips out to the likes of John Lewis? I used to help them Sometimes with getting people onto the mini bus, carrying their bags and helping them off again. The drivers are generally volunteers and gentle with their old clientele. I don't know how tight her finances are but the other option is would she contemplate using a taxi - maybe you could arrange it for her or help her with this.

Thank you for your reply.

My mum has lots of other visitors and tells peoplenot to come. My dad visits, my brother, her friends. My mum even lies about who has visited. I went on holiday for a week and she told me she had seen no one while I was away. Yet Ithen find out, she had been to a christening with my brother and to M&Swith my cousin and I suspect my dadhad visited most days. And an ex neighbour had visited.

She definately has a visitor every couple of days.

But yes I could in the evening but to be brutally honest I am exhausted. Iusually go to bed midweek at 9.30. As menioned the kids are 3 and 4 and i teach year 6 and run a house.

My mum could get a taxi to us or my dad'shouse but wont. My dad has dementia but it is early doors. He goes to see her probably every other day. He cant manage tabletsor ccoking meals which is why I need to go everyday.

to be honest dh's parents are sicker than mine- but that it is whole different story!

She is being selfish in that she is thinking of herself and not you (and your family). But she is also lonely and with limited resources to improve her own life.

You are being pulled in so many directions, no wonder you are bent out of shape (and stressed). It must be so hard, she is bored all week so when you do go, rather than being appreciative she is snippy and ungrateful.

Yes, she put in the hard yards when you were little, but your kids are little now and need that time too - there is only so much to go around.

Does she have any social interaction through the nursing home, outside interests, old friends etc? She needs to have some sense of responsibility for her own happiness, but also perhaps you need to put in place a routine, rather than being at her beck and call.

If she knows when to expect you (and the kids) perhaps it takes some of the "when are you coming" angst from her side.

Best of luck.

My brother has now decidied to only visit once a week as he is sick of the guilt trips and to quote him the 'negativity' but thatis only for the next few weeks as he emigrates to Australia in August.

Jenny your point "Yes, she put in the hard yards when you were little, but your kids are little now and need that time too - there is only so much to go around." very much echos what my husband says.

Yes she has social interaction at the home and she has other visitors tooat leastevery other day.

i think that it is good idea of yours jenny to maybe have a set time each week - maybe if she knew I came (or took her out every sunday at 3) it might help.

She is being selfish. for your own wellbeing, you need to decide how much to take on, and then stick to it.

For your Dad too.

My dad is the nicest most easy going man in the world - he so grateful for all I do from him- he tells me to ignore my mum and put my kids first. My dadis so easy to do for as I can take him dinner at 4 or 9 pm andhe is just grateful and thankful - no comments about lateness or him being hungry.

can i ask, why is she in a nursing home while your dad is still at home?

were they separated/divorced?

i am just thinking that from her p.o.v that must be really quite hard to deal with.

and yes, was going to suggest set visiting times too. that would help both of you I think

I am sorry do not understand the acronym pov?

My mum has complex nursing needs - she needs nursing care and my dad with mild dementia is not up to i, plus their home is not suitable.

But no not seperated- married fo r50 years.

The lying about visits seems to be a common thing, my nan did that, no idea why. She even told the GP one time no one had been near for a month, even though my aunt had slept on the settee the previous night.

You sound exhausted and unappreciated.

I know you are being guilt tripped but in your head you must know your mum is being cared for and visited.
Does she demand your brother take her out and run after her or is it just you?

Take a deep breath and look at this as if it was a sulky toddler you're dealing with.
Try and detach and ignore.

Could your dad get some sort of home help to give him meals?

sorry pov meants point of view.

i guess it just must feel to her a bit like she has been pushed out of the family home while he gets to stay there and have you visit each day?

i know that isn't how it is in reality, and i don't think it should be your responsibility to ensure everyone gets what they want either, but it still must be hard for her and I wonder if she is behaving like this to try and make people see that she is unhappy with the situation or to gain more control over her life or soemthing?

i really do feel for you :(

Your DH gets annoyed at having his own kids on his own for one afternoon

Really?

Does he view it as babysitting?

I'm afraid my sympathy for her is limited. She is being very selfish, because she knows how much you have to deal with.

I would only visit once a week, at a time that suited me and would ignore all the manipulative pressure she is applying.

Easier said than done, I know.

Yes Kayano he does - but that is too simplistic. He finds having the 2of them difficult. But they are difficult preschoolers are hard work. He is not a bad man but 2 young kids on his own is not his thing. You also have to realise he has parents that are in a much worse position that are getting really limited support. He also does afair bitformy dad and works 60 hours a week.

Right. I still feel for your mum but she's clearly getting lots and lots of support. I agree with your husband's view that your children need you most of all, but not with his view that an afternoon with his kids is a tough call! What would he do if/when you collapse with all this pressure?

So you are just going to have to spend some energy on losing the guilt. Your mother is getting good care and lots of visits. So you need not to engage when she starts with a guilt trip - just say 'mmmm' and start telling her about your own doings.

And btw, don't feel tempted to guilt trip your brother in your turn for emigrating.

It's a very difficult situation but I agree that your DH needs to look after his children and not add more pressure/guilt.