to think my mother is being selfish (but Iam still upset)

[susiesmith]

My Mum is ill. She lives in a nursing home, which is a nice nursing home but still I know it must be very difficult to accept for her.

However, she is tearing me apart and having a negative affect on my marriage.

I have 2 children aged 4 and 3, a job and I also look after my dad who is still at home but has dementia; so I need to call in on him every day.

My mum puts loads of pressure on me to visit her and take her out.

I honestly get up in the monrning most days at 6.30 and don't sit down until the kids go to bed at 7pm. Then I have work to do at home and all the usual admin of running a home. But my mum appears to have no concept of what my life involves. She is really offhand, sulky and unpleasant to me when I do visit take her out, which is at least once a week , usually twice.

My husband is getting really pissed off with her as he thinks our children should be our priority and my mum is being selfish as all her needs are catered for in the home and visiting or taking her out once a week should be acceptable. I think he especially feels this as both his parents are in poor health yet we only visit them once a month.

Sometimes I feel angry that all my friends have help with childcare from their parents, we have no help of anyone, which my dad and parents in law recognise is hard going BUT my mum just piles on the guilt all the time. Then at other times I feel so upset that I am disappointing her so much and letting her down.

By the way I should point out my mother is in no way accommadating about when you can visit. I have suggested the i come to take her out at 10am ish, she wont do this as t would mean she has to get up earlier than she wants she wants visits in the afternoon ( even though she is aware that is when the kids have a swimming lesson on the day I do not work)

Thanks everyone. The set time I something I will try to do. I actually think in Sept when my eldest starts sch it will be a bit easier as Ionly work 4 days a week so taking just one of them to the nursing homeor out will be more manageable. the 2 together just run amock.

How long are you prepared to live like this?

Before you know it, years will have gone by without you having had time to enjoy them

thanks
no Iam not going to guilt trip brother- there is a girlfriend he is going to - so again not as simplistic.

My bro to be honest iratates my parent anyway - they do not approve of some of his choices.

Oh holeyghostIknow - Iam sick of my huisband advising me that I am putting myself through but no matter how much time I give her she will not be happy. I know deep down this is true but i wantto make her as happy asIcan.

sorry my space bar does not seem to be working correctly.

Do other mums with under 5s feel so overwhelmed ?

YANBU, I feel for you. It is so wearing when everyone wants more and more from you.

I wonder does your mum show any empathy towards your situation at all? Perhaps she's far enough removed from her own childrearing that she's forgotten the reality of it. You say you only work 4 days/wk, 4 days is a lot when you're also running a home and looking after the family.

So your DH's parents are in even worse straits? Have I got that right?

It all sounds like a lot of responsibility.

Granted it should not be a chore for your DH to look after his own children. BUT maybe he feels the inequity in the amount of time being split between your parents and his?
And maybe that stresses him out a bit?

It's a tough one - you know your Mum is being well cared for.
No harm is coming to her. As others have suggested, set up a weekly visit on a routine and don't be swayed.
It sounds like she is getting a lot of other visits and to be honest, she is being a bit self-centred maybe?

How marvellous for your brother that he gets to skip off

If your parents aren't separated couldn't they move into some sort of supported accommodation together?

I really feel for you OP and your family, I don't think you can keep this pace up for much longer and your children will not thank you in the future for having their future ruled by a domineering, childish, selfish woman.
Having worked in care homes for a long time, I would suggest you take a stay-cation over the next week - tell your mum that DH has surprised you with a holiday for the family.
Take the week to assess your options, maybe look into meals on wheels for your farther so that he can have regular meal times and you can enjoy your visits with him.
Ask the care home to keep a record of your mothers visitors so that you can look for the gaps.
Acknowledge your husbands concerns and make an effort to visit his parents more often - your children need the memories for the future.
You need to look less at the immediate issues and plan for the long term, your father has dementia and will also need residential care in the future, how will you possibly manage all of these commitments if your mother monopolises your free time?
It's not easy to take a step back from situation but it is necessary, your mother is not happy with anything you do because you haven't stopped working and employed a nanny to care for her and your father yourself. This is the only thing that will possibly appease her but then your father will deteriorate and will need more care and that will not please her at all.
Play the long game, you have years of this to come.

is it poss she has anxiety (poss from going to a home?) and /or early onset of dementia? Just with her lying about visits etc rings a bell with my gran's situation.

was your mum always a difficult character?

ps could all parents be moved to the same place?

Maddening raises a good point. We helped care for dhs gran. Things like this were the start. Eventually she confused herself and thought her lies were real. She called til and said she had taken an overdose, she used to call saying she had hurt herself so he would go round, when he got there all her tablets were down the toilet. She hadn't flushed it. She started panicking because she believed her own lie, like she had forgot it was a lie. She had to be admitted to hospital and sedated because she thought she was dying. All the test confirmed she hadn't taken anything over her correct amount, but til the day she died she blamed til for driving her to try and kill herself as she was so monkey. He went everyday and took her out 5 days a week. The difference being she lived in sheltered accommodation. Your mum lives in a home, you can find out if these things are TRUE. I am not saying it is dementia, but its worth keeping an eye on it.
I really feel for you. It was hard enough for us supporting til and we had no kids at that point. I can't imagine how hard it is in your situation. You really need to do something. You are going to end up exhausted and unable to do anything for anyone. I also think maybe your dh is feeling resentful that his parents are so much sicker and her can't see them.

wherever it says til, please insert fil. :)

I think you need to take a step back. You are being pulled to pieces by your obligation to your children, your job, your mum, your dad, DH, his parents - but your mother cannot see or doesn't care about that.

You need to write down a list of visits that you are prepared to make, that you can fit into your 'spare' time. Allocate them to your dad first (if you are his sole carer), then your mum, then PIL. Make it fair according to their need/your wants - agree it with DH. That's the line, that is what you can do without fallign to pieces. Bear in mind if you run yourself into the ground physically or mentally then no one will be getting any visits! Don't commit to taking your mother somewhere she is capable of getting to by herself but CBA to! In September, your reception child will be knackered after school and going to parties every weekend.

For example.
Monday: work day. Only feed your Dad.
Tuesday: work day. Only feed your Dad.
Wednesday: not work day. Visit your mum, feed your dad.
Thursday: work day. Only feed your Dad.
Friday: work day. Only feed your Dad.
Saturday: morning: kids ballet class(or whatever). You are prepared to collect your mum so she can watch (her choice). Week 1: Lunch with your parents, Week 2: lunch with PIL
Sunday: family morning, afternoon visit with week 1: your parents, week 2: PIL, unless you have other arrangements.

Not that you have to convince your DH or your DM of anything, but surely if you have a fair and planned timetable, they can both stop putting the pressure on you.

I feel for you, I think you need to be a bit more selfish with your time. You sound very busy and I think your kids deserve you most.

Thanks for the all the advice. The set time seems to be something we have try. I know she wont like it so might be best if I dont say it to her, just stick to visiting and doing whatever she wants say on a saturday afternoon.

In terms of dementia there is no chance - my mum is 101% mentally with it - but she has always been demanding and want her own way. My dad took the brunt of this when he was fit but even before his dementia he had started getting really impatient with her.

She seems to hatemy dad having my time. Last night when she called and my dad was here, she went into a rant about how she is shut away there and he have all been having a nice time in the sun, (She had actually been out to a retail park with the activities organiser from the home all afternoon) and then hung up on me. Normally I'd call her back but I just could not be bothered yesterday, particularly as I knew she had been out doing what she likes to do.

I told her I might try to get my dad to have a cleaner and she went mad, saying he has nothing else to do, there is only him in the house etc. She definately despitebeing mentally all there does not get what dementia is.

Maybe she thinks as hers is a physical disability and his is one you can't see she is more deserving? Of your attention. Maybe she is jealous he isn't in a home and feels as she is 'stuck in there' and he is living his usual life. Its not that way but some people don't see mental health problems as something that's requires help. She may not want to accept that the man who has always been so accommodating to her for most of her life is no longer able to be. Maybe she is just selfish or a combination of all of these. Whatever the reason you can not continue like this.

She's jealous. She is acting like your dads sibling and you are the mum.

You can't carry on like this, and I don't think you will ever make her happy. Could your dad join her in tge home?

I think i can see both sides. I think people in nursing homes get incredibly lonely particularly if they have all their mental faculties, because a lot of the residents don't, leaving the ones that do with very few people to talk to. The loss of independence and privacy is also a huge thing to bear.

But having said that, it's not fair what she's doing to you and your family. I'd stick with set days too. That way she'll gradually know what to expect. If she calls up wanting you to take her out and you can't - I think you have to be firm and say yes that'd be lovely, we'll do that on saturday when I visit and no I can't do it tomorrow. Also if the staff know when you're coming they can reassure her.

Maybe have a word with the staff and let them know that she's doing this. That way they might be able to do more with her and help her outside to sit in the sun and things.

I think it's quite common for some residents to be very demanding of their relatives. Easier said than done but try not to feel guilty. She is somewhere safe and suitable for her needs and as you say, other people are visiting her too.

I think you should prioritise your DC and only see your mum once a week at a set time, plus phone calls. With everything else that's on, that is realistically all you can do without harming yourself. She will just have to deal with it.

Not much to add as I haven't experienced this (yet). A couple of thoughts...

Could you take your mum to see your dad once a week for his dinner?
Could you ask brother to take over some of the Dad visits until he heads off?

It sounds like you have the world on your shoulders.

I am sorry you are going through all this. You need to make a little bit of time for yourself too; it's better for everyone if you are feeling good; and do remember that when your kids are older things will get easier to manage.
Maybe you should have a chat with your own GP?

no matter what you do you are NEVER going to make her happy

You can make yourself happier though. She is not responsible for your exhaustion and unhappiness any more than you are responsible for her (partly self inflicted) isolation and unhappiness.

My mum has an electric wheelchair and van get out - there is a lovely garden she can sit in.

She is perfectly able to go to local shops and things herself - but wont. She has a mobile and the area is perfectly safe.

My brother wont help with anything - to put it bluntly he is neither use nor ornament- yet he will spend lots of time telling mewhat I should be doing. I have long since given up on trying to get help from him.

Took my mum out this afternoon shopping 1-5pm. She then tell me she needs to see the chorpodist and will get an appointment for when I am offnext week. I say what about the one that comes to the the care home. She replies I dont like her - I need you to take me to another one. We get back to the home and i mention this to the nurse, she says the chropidisit has looked at her feet as has the nurse herself there is nothing they can identify as wrong but the GP is coming after the bank holday to see her. I relayed this to my mum who just went mad- she did not want to see the GP she wants meto take her to see the chorpotist.

It is just never ending.

I agree with holey. You will never make her happy. Look after yourself.