to think my mother is being selfish (but Iam still upset)

[susiesmith]

My Mum is ill. She lives in a nursing home, which is a nice nursing home but still I know it must be very difficult to accept for her.

However, she is tearing me apart and having a negative affect on my marriage.

I have 2 children aged 4 and 3, a job and I also look after my dad who is still at home but has dementia; so I need to call in on him every day.

My mum puts loads of pressure on me to visit her and take her out.

I honestly get up in the monrning most days at 6.30 and don't sit down until the kids go to bed at 7pm. Then I have work to do at home and all the usual admin of running a home. But my mum appears to have no concept of what my life involves. She is really offhand, sulky and unpleasant to me when I do visit take her out, which is at least once a week , usually twice.

My husband is getting really pissed off with her as he thinks our children should be our priority and my mum is being selfish as all her needs are catered for in the home and visiting or taking her out once a week should be acceptable. I think he especially feels this as both his parents are in poor health yet we only visit them once a month.

Sometimes I feel angry that all my friends have help with childcare from their parents, we have no help of anyone, which my dad and parents in law recognise is hard going BUT my mum just piles on the guilt all the time. Then at other times I feel so upset that I am disappointing her so much and letting her down.

By the way I should point out my mother is in no way accommadating about when you can visit. I have suggested the i come to take her out at 10am ish, she wont do this as t would mean she has to get up earlier than she wants she wants visits in the afternoon ( even though she is aware that is when the kids have a swimming lesson on the day I do not work)

you are not being unreasonable. limit your mum to one outing a week at the most. you won't be any help to anyone if you become ill with exhaustion. your mum is being controlling because you are the only person she has power over. it's time to recognise (to yourself at least) that she isn't in charge any more - you are.
last night i slept on my mum's bedroom floor to answer her constant demands while my dad got some sleep. she would demand 'toilet! toilet!' then insist on having drink, slowly, while i stood like a footman and waited. its all about control.

I really feel for you. Having worked in nursing homes. They almost revert to children - demanding things, now - i need it now. there is often an element of dementia with it.

You have to put your foot down - whether your'e upsetting her or not. You can't allow her to destroy your family. And you can't allow her to make you ill. You are needed by a lot of people and you need to be well.

Someone has looked at her feet - they are fine. Reiterate this to her. And walk away. You have to set the limits. Otherwise she will push and push. Say I will take you to a chiropodist if you really want - but not until x day. The day you visit.

Many of the relatives where I worked were in the same boat. Do not be afraid of leaving a visit if she becomes unreasonable. If she's treating you like this, the staff will be very aware because she will be treating them the same. Talk to them and explain. Other relatives at the home can be a great support too if you can find any to chat to.

Re your brother. My mother is not in a home but is very demanding. I get extremely annoyed with my siblings because they fall out with her and then say they can't possibly have her for Xmas, Easter or visit their house or them visit her - because she makes them stressed. Leaving me to pick up three times the amounts of visits. It's a shitty thing to do quite frankly. I feel for you.

I know all about the sibling the situation. My brother is not great but also my husband family are worse with parents in law. Two of his siblings live far away - they NEVER visit. The other visits himself once aweek but never has them or does anything.

We ALWAYS have both parents for mothers day, easter, fathers day, kids birthdays and christmas.

This is despite our kids being by far the youngest so I suspect having less time then the others.

I know this makes me sound areal moaner - but I do feel I have no choice - the alternative in terms of parents in law is we dont have them over and they spend the day alone. - I have to.

I work as a carer and have done for most of my working life since I was 17. I am now 44 and have two young children. I have told my mum straight that if and when she needs care my sister is going to do it. I love her and I genuinely care about the people I look after. I do my 11 hour shift, then I go home, take the kids to school and then go home to bed. A totally different thing to caring for a family member and having responsibility for them.
IMO, your Dad is the one who need your attention out of your two parents, but even so, your kids are even more important.
I do understand about their Dad not wanting them by himself, two little ones close in age is hard work, men aren't up to the strain in the way we women are ;)
Stick to your guns, if you don't you will snap and the whole lot will fall down!! Good luck.

Elderly people can feel they have lost all control over their lives. Your mother is manipulating and trying to control you to compensate for her feelings of having lost hers (e.g. the chiropody thing). Clearly you work extremely hard to help both your parents and care for your own family. You need a plan which says whom you help and when, you need to stick to it and you need not to let your mother load guilt on you. Would the staff in the home be able to help re-inforce the timetable?

You are not letting anyone down. There are people in your life who are letting you down. Will leave you to think who they are...

I think if your mum can get out but won´t, you perhaps need to stop taking her places, unless you want to, & just do a social visit.

I think your husband sounds horribly unfeeling/unhelpful/unsympathetic tbh-unless you constantly moan to him but do nothing to change the situation.

And certainly visit your mum when it´s convenient to you-with or without the children as suits you best.

kayano i dont like dealing with our 2 children on my own. one is a baby and the other is almost 5 with autism. it is very very hard work. Doesn't make me or the op bad people for disliking it when we are on our own.

And everyone in here probably feels the same if their partner is at work and you have the kids all day. its really stressful and you would rather have the help.

Tough one, OP. You're seeing your parents a lot more than most people see their parents and yet that's still not enough for your mum.

Agree that a fixed time/date for your mum might help. Stick to that if you can. It will be easier when your preschool children are older and at school. If your mother doesn't understand that then she is being unreasonable.

No suggestions for how you can put aside your guilt. You shouldn't feel guilty given everything you do so hopefully it's not an issue but you sound like a lovely, selfless daughter and you probably will feel guilty no matter what -but shove it aside if you can!

My MIL is in the same situation as you. Her mother is always complaining but won't really want to see anyone else apart from MIL. Last year my MIL had breast cancer and needed a mastectomy, chemo and radiation. MIL's mum is in a retirement home and all she could think about was what would happen to her if anything happened to MIL. Understandable but it was incredibly selfish and just added to MIL's stress.

Your mother has the choice to make the best of a difficult situation but chooses not to. That's her choice. You have no control over that. She has to accept that you have limitations on your time. Again her choice to accept it or not. If she chooses not to, nothing you can do about it but don't feel guilty. Whatever you do will never be enough.

i really think that (going by you saying that mum's faculties are all there) she is behaving like a todler and throwing tantrums when you wont do what she wants. the best way i have learned to deal with similar people (i have had a few in my life) is to treat them the way they're behaving. i don't mean throw a strop back, but treat her tantrums as if she was one of your preschoolers. "oh look at that pretty butterfly etc" sounds daft but will also be white noise to you so that you can't hear her strops so clearly. even if she doesn't like it, ultimately you CAN control this from getting worse and hopefully improving your life. she wont listen to your protest so you have to show her by your actions that her strops will not get her own way.

I think you are running yourself ragged - agree you need to work out how much time you have for YOU and your children and then everyone else and stick to your plan. Also agree with comments about your dh - you have more than enough to deal with, it's NOT unreasonable to expect him to look after his own children for the afternoon. You aren't the Von Trapps, fgs, it's only two children!

I sympathise with your Mother a bit - it's very hard when you lose control over your own life, and it can seem a long time between visits (event though she's quite lucky in having lots of visitors). BUT you can only do so much - if you run yourself into the ground, you'll be the one who needs looking after!

I don't have that much sympathy for your mum tbh; i know I would never ever be so demanding of my dcs however bad things got.

I think you really need to step back or you and your marriage will go under. You can't be all things to all people.

Wow. I think most people would find it very demanding just to have the job and the two small children. You've got an awful lot on your plate. Is there no way of getting some help for your dad? Is he entitled to have carers come in?

The particular trouble with your mum is that going to see her isn't a joy, it's a chore, because she's so demanding and difficult. She obviously doesn't see that.

I think if your mum can get out but won't, can have other visitors but won't see them or lies about having seen them then you have to work out what you are willing to do and stick to it as it sounds as though whatever you do won't be enough so you should ensure one of you is happy. Your priority is to your kids and husband.
Don't do last minute shopping expeditions to keep her happy if it upsets your kids and husband. her time is much more flexible than yours.

Omg her behaviour today has been shocking. We as in dh 2 kids, dad and parents in law went to see as they had a bit of a jubilee do on. She totally ignored us. There was a band on and she sat in another part of the room from all of us, we could not go to where she was as it was full - she knew were we were and made no attempt to join us. She then came over after an hour moaned about my dad being drunk and told me to take him home then disappeared off again to see a friend that lives there. She then returned as we were going to give me loads ofinstructions about who she wants me to call and where she wants me to take her tomorrow.

my dh is livid at her rudeness and to be honest I feel totally embaressed. I took my sick in laws to see her, which she knew about and wanted and she ignored them.

I really do fel like giving up. dh has toldme I have to have to have a day off to myself tomorrow and 'forbid' me from taking her calls!

Ok I agree with DH you need to not go anywhere tomorrow and ignore her calls, then once you've calmed down/chilled out/ had wine, ring when you're ready and say I will be calling in on x day, if she starts going mad, because she can't do what she wants to do on that day, calmly repeat that you're only available that day and if that doesn't suit then it will have to be x day a week away.

Good luck op. :(

That sounds awful. In some ways it makes things easier though in that if she is so insensitive to your needs and those of her other visitors then you don't have to be sensitive to hers.
As she rudely ignored her other visitors it also confirms that it's not you, it's her that has the problem.
I would just feel grateful that she is in a care home where you aren't actually needed rather than living alone.
Sort out how much time you are prepared to give her, don't take her anywhere at short notice and tell her you don't take instructions as you aren't her slave.
I would have told her today that you aren't seeing her tomorrow as you came to see her today and she ignored you and you have other things to do tomorrow so she should appreciate her visitors whilst they are there.
Don't make yourself too available, and definitely stop the trips at short notice.
She can only treat you badly if you let her. Toddler tantrums get the naughty step, not rewards.

whilst i personally think that the whole caring for people is just a circle (parents to children then children to parents) and i do feel very strongly about that i still think YANBU as often the decent thing to do in these suituations is understand and accept your limits, if you cant do it then the kindest thing to do is dont do it.

OP, remember this: nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission.

Your DH and pretty much everyone on this thread has agreed that you are NBU and in fact are doing quite a bit for your mum. On top of that you know that your chief responsibilities lie with your own immediate family -- DH and your two DC. Therefore you and everyone else (except your mum) know and understand that it's irrational to expect you to be at your mum's beck and call.

Easier said than done, but don't let her guilt you like this. One of you in the relationship needs to be rational and sensible here, and it looks like your mum won't be the one. So it falls to you. Be firm, be sensible, don't feel bad about it. Just let the guilt go. It is not your fault your mum is in this situation and there's only so much you can do to help her. Don't let yourself be run ragged for her.

You realise it doesn't matter how much you do, it'll never be enough for her? Therefore start thinking hard about this and setting some boundaries for yourself regarding what you do for her. Think of your DH and DCs, do it for them if you can't do it for yourself. Most importantly remember YANBU, don't let her make you feel like you are.

experience of this with my nan,who was very demanding, hypocritical,jealous, self-centered, bitchy etc,horrible to say it was actually a blessing when she developed alzheimers as she turned into a lovely old lady in her remaining years and is sorely missed now.
I'm afraid in your position i'd tell your mum to buck up or won't get visited at all.