To set 'rules' for grandparents minding DD?

[casskittens]

This is my first post and as such I will give a bit of back ground info. I am a first time mum to a 6mth old and have a history of bouts of depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Throughout my pregnancy I went through CBT in order to be confident enough to attempT a natural drug free birth, for which I am extremely grateful. I had lost a pregnancy before this one.

I am returning to work soon and would like a local childminder to watch DD as then I feel I will have more 'say' in how she is cared for. However, both sets of grandparents are desperate to 'have' her and my DH thinks I'm being a) ungrateful of their help and b) silly to waste the money on a CM when she is better with people she knows...

My mother is really controlling and passive aggressive at times. DH's parents, whom I care about greatly, are much less mobile and a lot older which causes me to worry.

The stupid thing is that I'm not actually returning to work for another 4 months and this is already causing me to lose sleep and rows with DH.

For the record, I LOVE being a mum and it is everything I had hoped for and much more.

I would really appreciate some direct replies... Do I go with grandparents and relinquish the 'control' I feel I need, or do I got with a CM?
(and do you think this is just my anxiety rearing it's ugly head again?)

Firstly I think it's normal for you to be that worried and for it also to cause some conversations between you and your DD. I had the same when I went back to work.

I think it's great the the GPs want to be involved with your child, but, and this is a big but - you do run the risk of them either ignoring your wishes and/or falling out or it causing tension if they do 'stuff' you've either asked them not to, or something you are not happy with. Don't forget that most guidelines on what is healthy and safe for a child aren't the same as they were 40 years ago.

A childminder is expensive, but its a business agreement which make it much easier for you to be able to specifically spell out what you do and don't want from them. Plus they are far more likely to do as you want, even if they think it's silly or daft - whereas GPs tend to think 'thats just daft/silly, i'll do it the way I think is right' and when you pull them up on it, it can cause issues.

I suppose it all depends on when you go back to work, if it's full time or part time? You could suggest that the bulk of the time is spent with the CM and maybe one afternoon each is taken by each set of GPs. You could sell it to them that they have their time with the GC but there own time isn't eaten into too much.

In your shoes, I don't know whether I'd go for a childminder or nanny, but there is NO WAY I would go for parents.

You will find it utterly stressful, at least partly with good cause, and you are more than likely to fall out with one or both sets. Your mother in particular. I'd go so far as to say that if you want your DD to have a good relationship with your mum, keep your mum's more controlling and interfering side OUT of decisions by keeping her AWAY from childcare. Completely.

Tell your DH that this isn't about money, it's about family harmony and your right to NOT have your child looked after in a way you DON'T want. Money isn't more important, and give it a couple of months and a few blow-ups, and you throoughly unhappy at work, and he'll see that.

Childcare through grandparents is a difficult thing to negotiate. When a mother is more than hesitant before it's even started, that is a hint NOT to do it.

Go with your instinct. You want a formal agreement that gives you control, this is what will work best for your whole family - clearly.

I'd definitely go with a CM from the off. If you're not happy with the CM, you can always change. However if things work out as expected with the GPs I'd imagine it would cause all sorts of problems if you have to tell them, after they start looking after your dc, that it's not working out.

Personally i'd go with your instincts.

Maybe draw up a list of things to consider (have a look at a childminder agreement maybe) and take your time discussing with DH. I bet there is a whole lot of things that wont have crossed his mind.

Do either sets of grandparents go away on holiday? If so what are you going to do to cover - how much notice will they give.

What if grandparents are ill/have a hospital appointment?

What if baby is ill? eg chickenpox. A cm will take when scabbed but an elderly grandparent wary of shingles may not.

MIL looked after DD 1 day a week age 3/4 and it was not good in the main. Letting us down at last minute (me frantically begging nursery to take her whilst arguing with DH about who needed to go in work more), DD always wet herself with MIL (dry with us and nursery), would agree to things like taking DD to ballet then not bothering so losing a place and the fees paid. I used to send a packed lunch to make it easier - not eaten just sweets. Leaving with other relatives if she got a better offer. Missing the bus and needing DH to collect them from some far flung spot past DD's bed time. I used to dread Wednesdays. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for DD to spend time with MIL but not as reliable childcare - she doesn't have DD in the school hols for the same reason.

Babysitting is fine but day in day out childcare is a differnt kettle of fish.

Well it's a different relationship. My mum and dad let my kids run wild at their house and let them do things I would have defiantly hot a smack for!!! That's normal.

I dont like what you said about your dads affection for your dd. what do you mean? Is it strange because he wasn't there for you or are you afraid of something much darker.

cass I know you are on ADs but think it could be really beneficial to ask about CBT too. You sound really, really unhappy. It might also be worth talking to APNI. They are experienced and will help you to see what is normal worry and what might need a little more support.

As for ebf and sleep. Waking 4 times a night is fairly normal for lots of babies at 6 months and there is some research that suggests that bfing mums get more sleep at 7 months than their ff peers.

There are some things you can do though. Do you have LO in bed with you as this might make it easier for you? Also, have you read 12 alternatives for the all night nurser?, 31 ways to get your baby to sleep and stay asleep or sleeping through the night on Kellymom? Think they may all be beneficial to you as would the No Cry Sleep Solution.

At the moment though I think you need to prioritse getting yourself into a better place, then work on LOs sleep and then sort out daycare.

Because he wasn't there for me.

Thanks jilted for the links, will check them out

Oh and as for your Mum. My Mum went back to work at 6 weeks full time when she had me because "she would rather be at work than look after a crying baby" and she worked nights so I hardly saw her! She is great in many ways but has never been maternal at all. With my DC though she is totally different and borders on spoiling them a little, which is fine.

Old age has mellowed her completely and she is a great GM.

And yes, I do have her in bed with me. It is so much easier!

I do lie to some people that she is in a cot though...

I've never bothered telling fibs though I know it can be easier in some situations. Am very much, this is the way we parent and you are free to parent how you wish too .

No she doesn't get a 'second chance' through YOUR dc.

Go with a childminder, definitely.

It will, WILL end in tears.

Ok cass hope you didn't mind me asking. I think there are quite a few people who make better gp than parents but to be fair it's a lot easier.

Why do you lie about having baby in bed with you? Mine were always in our bed. Lots are.

You sound a brilliant mum. Don't let anyone undermine you.

And I was a cm until yesterday!!! You sound lovely parent to work with.

I sometimes just don't say because most people just don't get it. When I have mentioned it to family I got a few 'rod for your back' comments!

I only know 4 people who have BF too, and only one who has fed past 6 months.

She would not sleep unless with me when she was tiny and it's just carried on from there. It means I get more sleep too.

Thanks for saying that, It's made me smile :)

Actually I forgot, I work with a woman who has fed to 22 mths! She is my role model!

I think the 'mainly child minder' posts are probably the best advice for you. I have a nine month old baby and am in a situation with some similarities to yours. One point it might be good to think of: the picture changes a lot between six months and ten month. I can see that my baby benefits from new experiences now, so it's easier to leave her sometimes. On the other hand, she is also much more clingy now than she was a few months ago, which makes it harder to leave her with people she doesn't know. If you are going to use a child minder, I suggest you start acclimatising her now! Otherwise family members will be quite right to point out that your baby is happier with people she knows.

My mum's pretty controlling and it works best when she's not providing a 'vital' baby-sitting service and also when she's not scared of being elbowed out of the picture. I'm happy for her to do one day a week (how badly can anything go wrong in a day?) and let her know I appreciate it. Any more than that and she wouldn't be able to resist muscling in on parenting decisions, if only because she loves my baby so much.

Regarding your husband, I think it's a shame you didn't talk this through earlier beause it's much harder to reach a decision with the baby in front of you. My husband and I were still arguing the bit out a few months ago - that's how I know! I suggest you point out that while it's great to nurture relationships with grandparents, the following reasons make it better for a child minder to do most of the care: (a) You want an environment that mimics your home because it's best for baby's development - slightly older children to watch, taken to mother and tots etc. (b) It's best if grandparents are able to enjoy their grandchildren. It's all very well enjoying a three month old baby for a few hours, but that doesn't mean it's possible or best for them to run around after a toddler all day, or even carry a fractious, heavy ten month old. That's the reality and their hurt feelings shouldn't come into it, beause this is about you knowing what's best for your child. You can't start down a path that's going to end in tears, because your child needs stability. If your husband has sat down and thought this through, I'll eat my hat.

It's better to come at things from a 'what's best for baby' angle. There's no need to frame it as 'I'll have panic attacks if we don't do this'. If you're panicking for good reasons, then the good reasons will be enough. Stand your ground.

I was going to mention upthread what somebody has since said, and that a way of getting the GPs to be happier with the situation is to make it about them. You don't want them to feel tied and not be able to go on holiday etc. and you want them to enjoy their time with your DD rather than it being childcare.

My MIL looked after the DSes a couple of afternoons a week for about a year and it was a pain tbh. She would announce she was going away for a few days holiday with hardly any notice and I would have to take time off work when it wasn't practical. It is much better for me now I have a cm and MIl can help when CM takes hols etc.

My mum would be exactly the same! She has already been on at me repeatedly for 'shutting her out' of DD's life when I don't want her turning up unnanounced and because I don't want to see her twice or more a week.

That may make me selfish but I want to be able to care for and manage MY family MY way and she sees this as an insult to her somehow!?

I'm fairly sure she had an imagined scenario of DD arriving, me collapsing under the pressure and her rushing in like wonder woman doing everything. The reality is the opposite, I have even surprised myself at how well I am coping! :)

eglu I tried that angle already - they were having none of it!

you're looking at 2 days a week? CM or nursery. Actually, you might find nursery easier for your stress levels as all the children your DC will be cared with will be a similar age and have similar needs. (There's a big difference between a 1yo and 3yo!) If you do go with a CMer, remember the care will be in their home, but that will be a home that has been checked to fit certain standards of safety - often to a higher standard than you'd bother with yourself! (My PIL don't think they need to baby proof, I run round after DS saying "no, don't touch that!" while he makes a beeline for something expensive/fragile/dangerous/the stairs/the bin etc)

Just because family want to do childcare is no reason to take them up on it if you can afford to pay and think you'll get a better level of care from a professional - your priority is your DD's feelings, not your mother's or your MIL's.

Explain to your DH that it's not an option, you will be stressed and it will make your return to work painful. Suggest that if you are only working 2 days a week, you'll compromise that you'll take your DD to PIL's every other week on a set morning (and it might give you a set time for a couple of hours to go do your hair or do the supermarket run if you want too). Also that you'd ask them both if they'd be 'first point of call' if she's too sick for CMer or Nursery (for the first 6 months she'll be ill regularly)

Sounds like your mother is offering to look after your DC on her terms e.g. in her house - and then if you agree to that, then there will be some more conditions, but she won't tell you those until it's too late for you to get a CM

If I were you, I'd visit CM and nurseries, see what your gut tells you and what feel you get from asking lots of questions.

If either GP want to look after DGC, then they can pick them up early for "proper" GP time - i.e. once DGC has been fed, changed and napped, they can have fun. Rather than be responsible in a parenting way.

Your inlaws sound like they might be good for a day when you increase from 2 days - can you 'sell' them that for your DC, it will be easier for her to settle if she has two days in childcare (rather than time with them and time with CM/nursery/nanny) to start off with, then if/when you increase your working hours, they could start then. And then it's a big we'll see situation, if it's working out with external childcare you can just pretend you haven't increased your hours tell them that you are going to stick with childcare. And if you are feeling more confident with the GP, then it's all ok for them to take on some time.

Can totally sympathise with you not knowing any bfers, which can be hard because you will have little to compare your experiences too. When I had DC1 I was the only bfer on my HVs books.

Do you go to any bfing support groups like LLL, there are some local bfing support groups listed here. NCT often offer social groups where anyone can go along, it doesn't matter how you feed your baby. They are great for meeting local Mums and Mums-to-be and are often a good mix of Mums who like to parent in different ways

No Cory and FloggingMolly it absolutely wasn't. I was really upset and made him swear he'd never do anything so ridiculous again. He was over scrupulous about sticking to the routine is what I think I was trying to say. Some GPs are. I gave him hell about it once we were all well/calm enough.

I tried to get them to cut down their time with DD as I was so worried about him. But he was adamant that she was his best medicine when he was feeling ropey.

Oh bless him, Dashing; he sounds very conscientious and very sweet