To set 'rules' for grandparents minding DD?

[casskittens]

This is my first post and as such I will give a bit of back ground info. I am a first time mum to a 6mth old and have a history of bouts of depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Throughout my pregnancy I went through CBT in order to be confident enough to attempT a natural drug free birth, for which I am extremely grateful. I had lost a pregnancy before this one.

I am returning to work soon and would like a local childminder to watch DD as then I feel I will have more 'say' in how she is cared for. However, both sets of grandparents are desperate to 'have' her and my DH thinks I'm being a) ungrateful of their help and b) silly to waste the money on a CM when she is better with people she knows...

My mother is really controlling and passive aggressive at times. DH's parents, whom I care about greatly, are much less mobile and a lot older which causes me to worry.

The stupid thing is that I'm not actually returning to work for another 4 months and this is already causing me to lose sleep and rows with DH.

For the record, I LOVE being a mum and it is everything I had hoped for and much more.

I would really appreciate some direct replies... Do I go with grandparents and relinquish the 'control' I feel I need, or do I got with a CM?
(and do you think this is just my anxiety rearing it's ugly head again?)

casskittens Fri 01-Jun-12 10:01:38
"Oh, and Longtall, I wish for her to be at our home, to be fed when she is hungry and cared for the way I would (which I think is impossible!)
Both sets believe in CIO and when she is hungry they often say she is just 'fussing' "

In that case you will almost certainly have to pay more to have a nanny. Because childminders charge less, they usually have to take in several children to make ends meet. Which means looking after her in the CMs home, that her feeds and naps may have to be adjusted around other children's school runs or playgroups or whatever. Your dd will still be well cared for but it will be more like a baby who has siblings: she won't be the sole focus of attention. Personally, I don't think it's a bad thing, but I appreciate it may be stressful for you.

If you want 1-1 you will have to pay for it, unfortunately.

Jilted - I agree to some extent, I don't think it's normal to be this worried. I have been having a hard time with sleep lately and I think the lack of sleep is not helping! I am already on AD's :(

I am EBF 'on demand' and started weaning a few days after she was 6 mo, only tastes of things here and there and no meals yet. I'm sure you are right, by 10 mo she will be eating in a much more structured way.

I am up usually 4 or more times a night - is this normal too!?

Please don't beat yourself up about the fact that you're stressed! Normal is what your baby does.

There is another issue, which you've touched on, OP. Your DH thinks it's 'silly' to waste money on a CM. Is finance an issue? Can you comfortably afford a CM? If paying for a child minder is going to severely impact upon your family finances this could bring more stress.

I think the grandparents caring for your DD is not a good idea, but I'm also not convinced a cm is for you either.

You need to relinquish some control over your exacting way in which you want your baby to be cared for.

But GPs who have fundamentally different ideas to you are definitely the wrong choice. e.g. CIO

If your baby needs to change mealtimes or nap times/places it will not be the end of thw world. Babies are very adaptable.

I have my mil looking after my dd for 1 day a week, and nursery for 2 days a week. For my mil I printed off something I found on the internet called a 'caregivers cheat sheet' and then filled it out (I tried to make it fairly lighthearted but with all the info). She was really grateful for it to be honest, and I think it helps me knowing that if she now strays to far from this I have written evidence that I told her this was what I wanted (from never leaving her to cry to what kinds of things she should eat and when).

Only do what you are comfortable with though. I am confident that my mil will look after my dd with love and care, but I still hate her at the moment - purely because she gets to look after my dd while I am not. I'll get over it though :-)

My dcs go to my mum twice a week and nursery3. I suppose I'm lucky in that I have no control over what nursery do, so I'm quite laissez faire with my mum.

I think the fact that you have a tricky relationship with your own mum could make things more difficult. Again, I'm lucky in that I think my mum did a fairly good job bringing me up, so I trust her to do teh same with teh dcs. YEs, there are probably things she does that I wouldn't entirely like, but Ive trained myself to think that if I don't see it, and the dcs are happy, I don't mind. apart from when she lets ds sleep for 2 hours and he won't sleep at night.

casskittens what you said about viewing your parents in a more critical light really struck a nerve with me. I absolutely saw my Mother is a completely different light as a Parent when I had my ds's and as they got older I became much more resentful . I would go with a CM, don't become dependent on GP's especially if your relationship is already a little tense with your own Mother.

You are perfectly within your rights to do it. Just like your mother would be perfectly within her rights to refuse to follow them, and suggest you use a childminder instead.

Well I wouldn't leave with your parents give your history. RE PIL's I wouldn't worry about mobility for a baby (I would more once the child was 3+ - but that's an easy time to make an excuse about the advantages of nurseries).

The are advantages to g-p's doing the childcare if willing. They'll usually take a sick child for example. Maybe a split with a CM.

Bear in mind you won't be able to control a childminder. You buy in their service, and they can provide what they like (ditto a nursery). But you can't dictate their service, all you can do is choose to change CM's. If you want a lot of control and say in the details of how your child is looked after you need a nanny (but even then it's far better for the employer-employee relationship if you let her/him do things in ways they feel comfortable).

OP, my own parents care for both my kids two afternoons a week, both over 70 although v fit. BUT and it is a huge BUT, they are wonderful loving parents and grandparents and pretty scrupulous about sticking to my rules (or my SILs' rules if they're with the other GCs). My DDad changed DD's nappy and put her down for her nap before phoning the ambulance - when he was having a heart attack.

If you think they would leave your DD to cry uncomforted then you have to tell your DH that and say it's not the way you want her raised. If you don't like the way your parents parented you, then you have to be brave enough to say no. I really feel for you. Good luck.

go and look at childminders. If you find one you like, book her in.

tell parents and in-laws that you feel this is best, having spoken to other working parents. you want to keep her/ their relationship special but you would be grateful for sickness/ childminder holiday etc back up. There will be plenty of help you need in the first 5 years eg picking up from nursery etc.

When you go to work, you need peace of mind and you are not going to have that. It will be easier in the long term if start off with childminder.

"My DDad changed DD's nappy and put her down for her nap before phoning the ambulance - when he was having a heart attack."

Good grief, Dashing- was that one of your rules? I would have been furious if my dad had put his life at risk for something that wasn't putting dd's life at risk.

Dashing . Do you really think that was an intelligent thing to do? What if he'd collapsed before making the call, and you're dd was left unattended until you arrived home? There's such a thing as being needlessly over conscientious, you know.

Hi casskittens.

First yes it's completely normal to be up several times in the night, unfortunately, but that will get better.

Now whatever child care you choose you will inevitable relinquish a measure of control over your child as you won't be there so you have to accept that and be happy to accept others input into your child's life.

I think it's a mistake to use grand parents, friends etc to ' mind' your child as it blurs boundaries, especially if said gps are old on one hand and controlling on the other.

Anyway if you don't want them minding your child that's it. Tell your dh it's a big no and that's the end of it. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Go and see some child minder settings, go and see some nurserys with your dh and pick one you both like.

I think it's very Important for you to feel in control of the decision.

Good luck and keep posting.

Thanks all, I think I will meet a couple of childminders and chat with them about how they do things, make a list of the things that are really important to me and sound the GP's out.

If they don't want to do things the way we want them to be done then we will have another talk.

We have decided that to start with I will only go back 2 days per week and see how I get on. Someone upthread mentioned finances, we can afford a CM both days but DH thinks the money could be better used.

As I said, he had a great relationship with his GM - our DD Has her name as middle name at his request - so I think I need to trust him - see how it goes with a half day with each set and review after a 3 month trial period?

When you speak to the childminders I think it will help if you remember that they have the best interest of all their mindees at heart. It's like when you have more than one child- it's a constant juggle.

But there are positives too: we felt dd really benefitted from being round other children and it was clear from an early age that she loved it.

Late 60s isn't exactly doddery! I think DH's parents will be fine. And unless there's more we don't know about their home, I think you have to let that one go - and they have to understand you want crying to be dealt with a certain way. Compromise on both sides.

I understand you're very worried - but this would be an anxious time regardless of whether you had a history of panic attacks etc. I was beside myself with worry about going back to work. A week or two later and - to my relief - it was all fine.

cass Yes, I viewed my parents more harshly after I had dc. They used to tell me (whenever I complained about their treament of me) that "I would understand when I had dc of my own". Well, I do and I dont

If your relationship with your parents is as toxic as you say then I am surprised you are comtemplating letting them mind your dd tbh. My parents have never looked after my dc other than VERY occasional babysitting and frankly only then when there was no-one else.

My PILs have always been more involved but it has caused friction. My MIL thinks she knows better than me and has, sometimes, put her own desires above what is best for my dc (taking them out visiting when they were ill for example)

Its not easy. I am glad my dc have a good relationship (with both sets of gps) BUT it comes at a cost. Whenever I ask for something to be done a certain way my MIL takes it as a personal insult and on more than one occasion she just ignored me (even when the instructions were from ds1's paed)

If I had my time again I would go down the CM route.

Good luck x

My relationship with my parents has always been difficult, my DM constantly tells me how terrible it was for her bringing us up when my dad was never interested, out doing his own thing, or just leaving her to it.

She did everything, he worked. My situation is different as my DH works ft and does a good share of the housework and pretty much all the cooking :) I think she resents this.

One of the things that makes me so uncomfortable now about my dad is how he is so 'in your face' and really over the top affection wise with DD. It makes me feel a bit sick.

I'm not sure if this is me being a little jealous of her IYKWIM or my instincts?

I would always caution any parent to go with their "gut instinct".

Its rarely wrong IME

well it sounds to me as if you will almost certainly be easier having these conversations with a nanny or childminder- they're not going to guilt trip you with reminiscences of the terrible time spent bringing you up and if you don't like them you can move on to the next one

seems to me like you have answered your own question

Do you think it could be my jealousy though?

I don't feel that if you mess up with your own child/ren that your granchildren are your 'second chance', I think my mum perhaps does.

fwiw, I think you sound unreasonably controlling, but you've got a lot on your plate so I can understand why.
CM will have her own protocols to follow, including things that Ofsted require her to do, never mind ways she needs to do things to meet her own needs & those of other mindees. Any of which may not be the same as how you want things to happen.

Grandies will be excellent backup for when CM is ill or goes on hol herself. I would tell Grandies that you want CM so that you don't "impose" on them unfairly, but you look forward to them helping out in other ways, more ad hoc.

good point cory.