To not ask if somebody wanted some food

[billybeau]

I live with just my mum and we have just had a massive argument over nothing, well, nothing in my eyes.

I'm mid 20's, she's early 50's

We have both been up since 7, we've made our own breakfasts as we do everyday (well, I had only a cup of tea). Then we had showers and as she's drying her hair, I decided to make myself some toast as I'm hungry and had only had toast. Mum had cereal. She comes out of her bedroom and says "Why do you never ask if I want anything"

I said, "you're 50+, if you want something, I'm sure you can decide for yourself and make yourself something"

This caused an argument.

I generally don't know if I'm BU about not asking if she wanted anything to eat when I was making toast, which in effect, was my breakfast when she's already had breakfast.

AIBU or is she?

Would she ask you? Mine would, and so would I.

She doesnt sometimes, as I do her, but not always on both parts.

I think YANBU to not offer toast in this instance. But she asked why you never ask: I think there would be other occasions when it would be nice. I would never put the kettle on, for example, without asking everybody else who is there if they want a cuppa.

I think it is only polite to ask if anyone else wants anything if I'm making myself something

it depends how your house operates, in mine we only offer drinks if we're making or toasted sandwiches cos waiting for the sandwich toaster is a faff, but definitely would never ask if anyone wanted toast , it takes two minutes if someone catches a whiff of mine and wants some they can ask me to stick some on or do it themselves

i usually ask if any one wants anything if i am in the kitchen tbh.

and she could have asked you to do her some toast.

six and half a dozen...I'd bang your heads together! :D

Are you living rent free then it is up to you to be accommodating, offering to make cups of tea, toast etc.

Now that you know she'd like toast too, it wouldn't hurt you to ask her, would it?

It is odd that neither of you naturally do this IMO.

If you lived with your DP, wouldn't you offer them whatever you were doing for yourself?

To be honest I would ask. I always do and so does my daughter 14 I would not go to the kitchen without checking no one else wants anything.

Yeh we usually ask each other if we want a drink (she doesnt drink hot drinks so I usually just top of her glass of pop anyway). If its something cooked like a bacon sandwich then I would ask her.

The funny thing is, I've now offered her some toast. Her response? "You know I don't eat toast"

Seriously?

There's something else going on - if she doesn't like toast, and you don't usually ask, then what is it about? She's using it as an excuse to have a pop about something - but not saying what the real problem is, IMO. Ask her.

Unfortunately, this is just the way she is. She will randomly comment on something that has been "normal" to us for ages. Can't think of anything in particular.

YANBU, if she's just doing it to be awkward. Is she 'joking'?

Why not ask her what her previous whinge was about then?

TartyMcFarty, my mother doesn't know how to joke.

Agree with Thumbwitch.

My DP does this ,makes himself tea and never asks if I want one .
It upsets me because it feels like he's ignoring me - well TBH he is .
Just a stranger living in the house ,completely seperate entity from me ,the housekeeper .

It can make you feel "blanked " ,hurtful I think .

This sort of thing is par for the course in cohabiting. Minor issues are used as an excuse to air a more general irritation with the other person.

I don't think Toastgate is worth dwelling on. Forget it.

Toastgate. I love it!

She has now helped herself to some crisps. Crisps that I bought for myself with my own money (ok I buy all the food but she chose what crisps she wanted and now she's eating mine). Normally this would not bother me.

Oh here's another one.

I bought a pack of 3 Magnum ice creams, 3 into 2 does not go so clearly one of us was going to get one more than the other. She automaticaly helped herself to the 2nd one without asking if I would like it even though I paid for them. I wasn't bothered tbh.

it's quite nice and quite normal to ask if anyone wants anything while you are in the kitchen. That was a bit mean to argue. You could have just said 'I will make you somethings if you ant me to Mum' and then asked her in the future.

YANBU to not offer toast on this specific occasion.

Maybe this is symptomatic of the fact that you are still living together. Maybe she is fed up of the arrangement?

If you annoy each other over trivial things and buy seperate food etc, could you look into moving out into a houseshare? Similar living situation but more feeling of independence.

Chandon Are you living rent free then it is up to you to be accommodating, offering to make cups of tea, toast etc.

I see this so much on mn and i don't understand it. That if there is money involved, for eg if someone lends you money they can treat you how they like and you had no right to complain. Or if someone babysits for you but gives your kid booze and fags (Im exaggerating obviously) then you have no right to complain if they did it as a favour rather then you paying them.

I don't actually think it works like that. I think money is separate issue to treating someone with respect, respecting their wishes regarding their kids or whatever.

I really don't think whatever rent the op pays or not has any bearing on this. Am i the only one who doesn't think money buys people the right to treat others however they wish? It seems a strange attitude to money that i see on here so much.

I don't think money buys people the right to treat others however they wish.

I do think not paying your way is a direct route to not being treated like an equal.

I have never lived rent free. If I did not pay my rent in a houseshare you can be damn sure I would not be treated well by my housemates!

If I was making food I would be asking anyone else who was in the room also if they wanted any.
I dont know if anyone else read my aibu thread on my son not being fed at his mates house for the whole weekend (I know its completely different) but there was a lot of posters on there agreeing that they feed whoever is in the kitchen at the time.

Poopoo,

Were it a completely separate issue, that would be a scrounger's charter. "Oh yes, I live off their hard earned money but I cannot be expected to do anything in return, because money is completely separate".

If someone allows someone else to live rent free with them, they are doing them a huge favour. Of course, in an ideal world, this favour is a gift and nothing is required in return. However, if someone gives me a huge gift, I would at least act decently towards them in return. Offering to make tea, toast etc is merely decent behaviour.

Money is not everything but it cannot be ignored entirely either.