Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask if somebody wanted some food

54 replies

billybeau · 01/06/2012 09:22

I live with just my mum and we have just had a massive argument over nothing, well, nothing in my eyes.

I'm mid 20's, she's early 50's

We have both been up since 7, we've made our own breakfasts as we do everyday (well, I had only a cup of tea). Then we had showers and as she's drying her hair, I decided to make myself some toast as I'm hungry and had only had toast. Mum had cereal. She comes out of her bedroom and says "Why do you never ask if I want anything"

I said, "you're 50+, if you want something, I'm sure you can decide for yourself and make yourself something"

This caused an argument.

I generally don't know if I'm BU about not asking if she wanted anything to eat when I was making toast, which in effect, was my breakfast when she's already had breakfast.

AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 01/06/2012 10:18

YANBU.

You might find she has some other kind of grievance with you, however.

TheProvincialLady · 01/06/2012 10:18

It's quite common IME for adults living in the parental home to expect to live like teenagers, maybe paying some sort of token rent but essentially letting their parents take responsibility for the cleaning/financing/maintenance of the home and yet having a 'you're not the boss of me, I'm a grown up' attitude. Maybe this isn't the case for you OP but it does sound like it.

JayelleBee · 01/06/2012 10:33

Why can't you just offer your mum a piece of toast/cuppa/whatever if you are having? It is basic good manners.

If you are having arguments over a piece of toast it is time you moved to your own place or at least try to behave like an adult.

Wondering who the actual grudges giving their own mum an ice lolly...

anonacfr · 01/06/2012 10:39

Why is it 'good manners'? Her mother had already had breakfast and was getting ready. The OP hadn't and ate later.

Is the OP's mother a hobbit?

PooPooInMyToes · 01/06/2012 10:42

Were it a completely separate issue, that would be a scrounger's charter. "Oh yes, I live off their hard earned money but I cannot be expected to do anything in return, because money is completely separate".

You should do nice things for each other because its the nice thing to do, the right and kind thing to do. Not because that person has lent you money or whatever.

My fil has lent us money yet in other ways has treated us poorly. Do i have no right to complain about the things he has done because i owe him money? Yesterday he said something inappropriate in front of my children, does he have the right to do that because he lent us money? Am i not allowed to ask him not to because i owe him?

The money is a separate issue and doesn't mean he owns me or that i have lost my liberty. I still expect to be allowed an opinion and to be able to tell him if he has upset me, treated me badly or not behaved in the way i would like towards my children.

But from on here you would think that if someone owes you money they own YOU like a slave.

Unless you live with someone rent free in exchange for doing the housework or something then yes it should be considered separate. You should still do nice things for them and do your share because that is just being nice. Just as it is just being nice to allow someone to live rent free in your house or lend them money.

For what its worth i don't think the op should have offered as her mum had already had breakfast and doesn't even like toast!

JayelleBee · 01/06/2012 10:44

anonacfr very basic good manners.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/06/2012 10:44

Wondering who the actual grudges giving their own mum an ice lolly...

I think you have misread. I was under the impression that the op mention it because she didn't mind.

larrygrylls · 01/06/2012 10:48

Poopoo,

A loan is not a gift...unless you intend not to repay it? In that sense, it is completely different. And, even if someone gives you a gift, it should not create an obligation.

However, you sound very resentful about your FIL, using incredibly emotive words such as "slave". I have no idea about your situation. As I said, money does not mean everything, but nor does it mean nothing. If you accept money from someone, they will generally feel that they have done you a favour. Which is why so many people on this board (including me) have never taken any, even in our youth.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/06/2012 10:54

My Dh had toast this morning, i made cereal for my kids. Should i have offered him some cereal as well? No of course not! He would have looked at me like i was crazy for offering him breakfast when he's already had breakfast.

Mornings are busy, he makes breakfast for him, i make breakfast for me and the kids. It would be strange to go and find him wherever he is in the house to offer him a second breakfast. Partly because he wouldn't have had the time or stomach room to eat it, and partly because i don't have time to be searching people out to offer them food to eat when i am in such a hurry because of the school run.

Now at a weekend, yes i am would offer.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/06/2012 10:57

I wasn't using the word slave in relation to my fil.

BlueBirdsNest · 01/06/2012 11:00

I think if you are in the kitchen fixing yourself something it's only natural to ask everyone else in the house if they want something.

You seem to be annoyed she ate your crisps and the 3rd magnum.

I do stuff like that sometimes on purpose when my teenagers are playing up.

Perhaps it's time for you to a) fly the nest or b) stop acting so spoilt and respect your mum.

You are mid 20's if you want to have arguments over food move into a student flat

PooPooInMyToes · 01/06/2012 11:10

Now the one that really gets me is the threads where someone complains that their relation looks after their baby for them but doesn't respect the their wishes. They might wean the baby or something even though the parent has specifically said not to for eg.

There will always be replies saying that the op has no right to dictate how her child is looked after as she didn't pay the babysitter!

I've seen that so many times and it drives me potty!

If i was looking after someone else's kid for free i would do things as the parents wanted and wouldn't assume that as i was doing it for free that I would got to decide how THEIR child was raised.

All i can think is that a lot of poster on mn feel entitled where money is involved. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Aniseeda · 01/06/2012 11:25

OP has not said she is living rent free. She has said she buys all the food though. Perhaps the arrangement is that mum pays the rent/mortgage and daughter buys the food?

It sounds like your mum was picking a fight over nothing, OP. Might be time for a chat (once you've both calmed down) about how she sees things going and whether she might like you to be spreading your wings in the nearish future.

Floggingmolly · 01/06/2012 11:28

Do you spend a lot of time together? It sounds like you'd both benefit from your own space, tbh. This is very petty.

RemembersButtonMoon · 01/06/2012 11:33

Sounds SO much like my brother and mum. I live with my family but a telephone conversation with my mother two nights ago went:

"I am fed up with your brother"
"Why?"
"He made three jacket potatoes, for him and his girlfriend. I wasn't offered any and now I am starving."
"Would you have eaten it?"
"No, probably not"

My brother now explains this situation as "I always offer her food, she either doesn't accept or sulks and completely ignores me!"

I can see both sides of the argument........

maddening · 01/06/2012 11:42

maybe it was your reply that was the issue- could be taken as slightly flippant -where sorry thought you had finished breaky might have been less so - maybe your mum was just in an arguing type of mood?

CinnyCall · 01/06/2012 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 01/06/2012 14:11

Poopoo,

I kind of think that the reverse is true. Is it not incredibly entitled to ask someone to do you a favour and then dictate how you want the favour to be done? If I were to look after someone else's child in my house, they would be expected to fit in with my family. And, the quid pro quo of that is that if my children are with someone else, they have to fit in with them. Obviously that would not apply in the case of something dangerous or seriously harmful.

I cannot believe the amount of threads on MN where a toddler has been given some disapproved of food stuff by a loving grandparent and the parents behave as if they were being fed cyanide. A substantial chunk of our generation seem to think grandparents are there to provide free childcare and should be bloody grateful to spend time with their precious children.

How is it not OK to feel entitled when at least you are paying, but fine to feel entitled when you are contributing zippo?!

knowitallstrikesagain · 01/06/2012 14:22

I totally disagree Poopoo.

I think if you are getting for free what you should be paying for elsewhere, you either accept it graciously with the understanding that they are doing you a favour that you are well within your rights not to accept, or bloody well pay for it!

If you don't want to accept money from someone, get a loan from the bak with interest. If you don't like what GPs feed DC, pay a nursery. If you don't like the way your mum talks to you, pay for accommodation elsewhere.

If someone does something for you for nothing in return, it is kind and generous. If you want to dictate not only that something is done, but how it is done, pay someone.

Fairyliz · 01/06/2012 14:40

I'm 50+ and living with teenagers. Sometimes I get cross over nothing, I blame the menopause! Op I think your mum might just want a little TLC.

juneybean · 01/06/2012 14:45

I dunno I'm a bit of a feeder so I always ask if any one wants something if I'm making something.

ENormaSnob · 01/06/2012 14:46

I think you need to move out tbh.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/06/2012 15:56

Know.

So if your aunt for eg offers to look after your child and you say yes, and then they feed your not yet weaned 3 month old baby chocolate cake and peanuts and they come back stinking of fags etc, the parents should just suck it up because they didn't pay her?

valiumredhead · 01/06/2012 16:01

Do you normally speak to your mum so rudely?

puds11 · 01/06/2012 16:08

I always ask if people want when im making something, having said that i would go and get some fruit without offering. I tend to offer if its something that requires effort. If its something like fruit then they can get it themselves.
You do sound rude though.