to think I am utterly stuck in this utterly shit marriage?

[lecce]

I am so tired and about to leave for work but our marriage seems to be bringing neither of us any joy whatsoever and we just seem so angry with each other all the time. DS2 (2.10) has slept throug about 5 times in his whole life and there are other pressures as well and we don't seem to be coping. I know you have to work at relationships but how?

Anyway, I work f/t and dh is sahd - a 'proper' one, not like some I've read about on here who are just not working but don't do a lot with the dc/house. We are ok financially but no way could I afford to fund two households.

Is it correct that if we did split, I would have to leave the family home and dh would stay with the dc? Is it correct that I would be likely to end up seeing them alternate weekends?

It's making me cry just typing that. Just feel so miserable and, most of all, trapped.

Is it just because you're tired?
Do you love him?

Oh, I'm so sorry. What are you both so angry about? Will you get some time off this weekend and Mon/Tues to recharge a bit?

I'm sorry for your difficulties. I don't know the answer but am here to hand hold until someone more knowlegeable comes along.

Have you talked to each other?

I do know how you feel, I have felt trapped for years and although I have put the wheels in motion nothing has changed - yet!

Can I ask why your DH is a SAHD? Would it be possible for him to take a part time job and for you to reduce your hours so you have a chance to spend more time with your DC? Would that help?

lecce sleep really will be a factor in all of this.
I'd strongly advise you talk to dh about how you're going to tackle dc's nighttime wakings. It'll be tough at 2, but you can do it, and then see how you feel.

Is it your dh who has MS? If so I wonder if that is a factor in the problems. I think you need to sit down and talk.

If it doesn't work then getting some legal advice would be a start.

My friend was in a similar position, SAHD while she worked full time. Yes she left but she adores her weekends with the children and said that it was a hard decision but she gets all weekend with the children and speaks to gem daily.

Thank you for the replies.

I'm sure sleep is a factor but we just can't seem to sort it (I've had a thread on here just about sleep before). We have worked hard to get him in his own bed and to stop bf during the night but he still wakes up 2 or 3 times and roars the house down. I think he is dreaming because he seems totally oblivious to what is going on around him whereas he used to 'try it on' asking for toys etc.

What triggered the latest row this morning was that I went in with ds when he woke last night, as I have been doing all week. The reason was that dh has been doing some work from home this week and I wanted to make sure he got some sleep (he has MS, though is well at the moment). When I got up to go to work at 5.30, ds woke and started roaring while I was in the bathroom. dh went in and said firmly, "If you don't stop crying you can't have your scooter today!" I disagree with this approach as it's not how we normally do things and I don't see the relevance. I think it would just give dh a hard day, as well as a hard night so I went in the bedroom (ours, ds not there) and told dh that. He totally stone-walled me and shut his eyes and turned over. Then he said that I couldn't have my own way on everything and that ds needed some discipline . This is just so unlike our approach and I got upset. Anyway, it ended with me saying that dh could get a job as I wasn't going to go to work to leave ds with someone who does shit I don't agree with and dh told me I could leave then etc etc

I know I shouldn't have said that - dh is sahd through mutual agreement and does a good job but I clearly feel resentment about it. He is just so dismissive of me sometimes but I do think we are both at fault but we can't seem to find any common ground at the moment.

An incident like the one I have described above seems to happen every day lately. .

Have you considered/tried relationship counselling? It may help you both work out why you're so angry with each other. But really, don't underestimate the effect extreme tiredness can have on your emotional wellbeing.

As mentioned earlier, two is a reasonable age to do sleep training with your DC. A few weeks of pain should reap dividends - or at least make you realise whether sleep deprivation really is a factor in how you both feel.

Sincerely hope you find a way out of this awful situation.

When your DH told ds "If you don't stop crying you can't have your scooter today!" did he stop the roaring?

If you DH is the main carer for your son, maybe you could let him try it his way so to speak. Like you said, it is him that will deal with DS all day, so if he is prepared to do that, then let him. If he tries his way, then either it will work, and you get some sleep, or it won't and you are no worse off sleeping child wise
As much as you don't agree with your DHs method, yours don't seem to be working - is this really such a massive deal that you can't let it go and let DH try? If he tries and it doesn't work, at least then he will know it for himself iyswim and not be quietly seething about not being able to try something he personally thinks might do the trick.

I reccommend buying Toddler Taming

It's a brilliant book and could be the answer to your prayers.

Is there also anyone who can look after dc's for a night or two so you can both catch up on some sleep and be with each other without the pressures? Everyone needs time as a couple sometimes so re connect and remember why they loved each other in the first place.

I'm not sure . It maybe did die down a bit but didn't stop entirely. I went in to him on my way to our bedroom and he was crying but was communicating. his soft toys were on the floor, having fallen out of his bed and he was saying he wanted them (though he could easily have got them himself!). I gave them to him and then the crying stopped. Maybe the telling off broke through and stopped the mindless roaring but it didn't stop the crying all together.

Maybe I am wrong about my approach but I really can't see the benefit of making a threat like that because:
-If ds is really upset he shouldn't be punished
-if you don't follow it through it's pointless
-if you do follow it through you have screaming all day as well as all night
-ds may not be able to link the two things as they are so disconnected

Yes, maybe I should let dh do things his way for a bit but it's hard for me to let go. I suppose i like to think that I am the 'main' parent (that sounds wrong but I can't think of a better way of putting it) and don't want to be relegated to being a part-time parent who has to accept that the one who is at home is the one who really knows what to do.

Also, I am really uncomfortable hearing a child be 'told-off' when they are crying. On the other habd, it's not nice at all for them to hear us rowing- we are not really shouting but there's no way they can be unaware of the atmosphere lately and sometimes things are said in front of them - tbh, more often by dh than by me.

Is it maybe that you feel bad that you're at work all day and so don't want to be seen as the mean one as well. At the end of the day if dh has a bad day because he banned the scooter that's his look out and it also reached Ds that there are consequences.
D's knew you would pick the soft toys up, even though as you said he could reach them himself and once you did he stopped crying, he has you under the thumb. And I say that as someone who has totally been there and still is to some extent.
Give yourself a break, it's hard trying to be to everyone and sometimes you have to think, yes it's not how I would do it but dh is in charge in the day so he can deal with it!

I think buy the book and then talk to dh about a new strategy.

I think it's very important you are both on the same page and you back each other up. So whatever you do you need to agree but that doesn't mean your way is right and dh's is wrong so you need to compromise. I really think a night or two off to have some time to have some decent sleep will help you both massively to see the woods for the trees and come up with a plan that works and also to have the energy to follow it though.

I do think your ds is the right age for learning about behaviour as well, it's important actions have consequences, it depends on the child's development how much they understand so you need to factor that in but also consider that you are laying the foundations at this age and if your ds is night waking from habit then it needs to br broken, breaking that however hard that may be is a better option that breaking up your marriage imo.

Lecce - I'm in a similar situation, where I work full time and DP is a SAHD - and a good one, but I do get frustrated and have occassionally snapped at him that he needs to go and do a proper job.

But the reality is, as much as I love my DD I couldn't look after her full time, I need the break (and if that makes me a bad mother, then I'lol hold my hand up, I never feel like a great mother - even though I love DD more than anything in the world)

The best line I read in an article by another working FT mum, was not that she wanted to trade places with her DP, but rather that she wanted him to not enjoy being a SAHP as much as he did, I know it sounds selfish, but it's hard to be the working parent, and miss so much of the nice stuff with your DC's.

As for your question wrt the split, I was told that as the roles are reversed so would the normal custody and payments (but I never looked into it too seriously)

dont make any big decisions while youre all sleep deprived. It might not be what you really want x

Lecce, is there underlying resentment at you being ft earner and your dh being a sahd.

Not judging btw, just that I know I wouldn't like it tbh.

I think you need to cut a bit of slack here for your husband. If he does the vast majority of child care, he probably knows what works best for getting a result.

I dont see anything wrong in issuing a threat, bargaining is what works with a child that age.

If he wasnt in pain, wasnt ill, and was simply making a lot of noise because he wasnt getting his own way about something, then yes, a bit of discipline is needed.

OK, i see several issues here.

Lack of sleep probably being the biggest one and the problem I say needs to be tackled first. To be honest it sounds a lot like my DD who didn't sleep a full nights sleep for the first two years of her life.

It sounds to me like your son has just grown used to his routine which is waking up in the night for a feed. There are times when you just need to tough it out. There's absolutely no reason a nearly 3 year old child cannot sleep all through the night most nights. But he's used to getting fed, it's his comfort. He knows nothing else and therefore is naturally upset when he doesn't get it. Once he realises he doesn't get anything from crying at night eventually he will go back to sleep and eventually he'll learn not to do it. As the old adage goes, you need to be cruel to be kind.

The other thing is that you see yourself as the 'main parent' even though you are at work and it is DH who is at home with your son. I'd argue in which case he is the main carer. You say it's not 'our way' but it sounds like you meant that it's not your way. Give your DH some freedom to make decisions and see how he gets on. The scooter thing in the grand scheme of things is nothing so don't overthink it. We all say things in the heat of the moment we later regret. I can think of loads of times where I've made an issue out of something random like a forkful of peas and it's escalated into a war of attrition.

From the sounds of things your son is being a bit spoilt and that needs to change. Once that's sorted and you get a decent nights sleep then look at the relationship with a clearer head.

Life does get easier when they get older.

I agree with Squeaky.

Your wee one has you at his beck and call, and your dh is right to want to get the upper hand.

I disagree with his proposed punishment because I doubt at that age your ds will understand that his behaviour in the morning will still be being punished in the afternoon....but still, your dh shows good understanding of what will affect your little son as a consequence of naughty behaviour. He obviously loves his scooter.

Screaming while other people are asleep, and getting up through the night may be considered naughty behaviour at almost three.

It is time he was sleeping through the night, really....his night waking is disrupting the whole household. You need to be in your own bed OP.

The screaming is harder to stop....imho it's something they grow out of....but yes, it would be infuriating being woken at 5am by a child effectively having a tantrum. Especially if that child still won't sleep through.

We have a 4 yr old and a 3 yr old and if either of them woke us up with a tantrum over toys at 5am, we would both be very cross indeed...and may even make big threats in haste because we felt so disrupted and annoyed. Shit happens at 5am.

Kids though....they do test you to the limit. Many marriages toil in these times of disrupted sleep and differing styles of parenting.