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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if our marriage has any chance?

53 replies

Lizcat · 31/05/2012 20:42

H must not continue to be friends with the OW. Well that's it really? He is still meeting her, texting etc. He was shocked that I made this a condition of any attempt to work through our issues at our first relate meeting.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 31/05/2012 20:45

YANBU
He's a twat.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 20:47

If he stays in contact with her, your marriage (as you thought of it) is over

he still meets her ? What reason does he give for that ?

and why on God's green Earth would he think you would tolerate that ?

bin him

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 20:47

I think he has to choose between you and her. Your demands are not unreasonable and if he can't do it... Maybe you should consider leaving him.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 31/05/2012 20:50

YANBU at all...

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 31/05/2012 20:50

If this friendship is more important then your marriage I think you have all the evidence you need regarding his commitment to making it work :(

If he truly cannot understand how being in contact with the OW will make your life hell then he will never put your feeling above or even equal to his own.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 31/05/2012 20:51

Sorry posted too soon. Ask him how he'd feel if the situation was reversed. Surely he wouldn't be OK with that?

Original poster
Lizcat · 31/05/2012 20:51

He is her friend. He can not see that being my husband and her friend are mutually exclusive. Don't get me started on the fact that she was my friend and he can't see why that would change. Yes as of 6.30pm my marriage is over, but of course counsellors do not judge. So just need so MN support.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 20:53

If he had an affair with her, and will not cut contact, then you have your answer

he values her over you

It's as simple as that

leave them to it, and walk away with your head held high

carabos · 31/05/2012 20:53

Is he really really stupid? Are you really really stupid? If the answer to both of those questions is no, then you need to insert the recommended digit into the appropriate orifice and apply pressure (kick his arse till his nose bleeds then kick him out).

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 20:53

I'm sorry. I don't see how him remaining friends with her will help your marriage survive. He seems to have made his choice. Take care of yourself.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 31/05/2012 20:54

That's awful, I feel for you. I know MN isn't a huggy place but I'm sending you a virtual one right now anyway.

YouOldSlag · 31/05/2012 20:55

Lizcat, it is beyond unreasonable. I am astonished he can't see this. If he can't then his lack of sensitivity and consideration takes my breath away. You should leave him just because of that.

YouOldSlag · 31/05/2012 20:56

And also, I am so, so sorry for how much this behaviour must hurt you.Thanks

ENormaSnob · 31/05/2012 20:58

Lizcat, your marriage is over.

Please grab your self respect and make him leave.

Sad for you but this will get easier.

ParsleyTheLioness · 31/05/2012 20:58

you are either a friend or a lover, you can't be both. Once you have 'crossed over', you have to have to choose Wife or Lover or Ex lover...

Original poster
Lizcat · 31/05/2012 20:59

Oh believe you me he will be going. I was stunned as he sat there saying he was worried about how I would cope financially - hmm I the one who earns the bigger salary I have done the figures he is going to be the one with the drop in lifestyle not me.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 31/05/2012 20:59

YANBU what a selfish heartless man he is what about you and your feelings? Can't believe he was shocked that he might have to give the ow up in order for his marriage to surviveConfused he's made his choice, it's not your job to try to convince him/plead with him, take stock op gather your strength and determination and move on.

YouOldSlag · 31/05/2012 21:00

Good for you Lizcat.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 21:01

good on you, Liz

you would be a mug to stand for anything less

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2012 21:02

What a complete idiot. If he actually wants you to stay with him, then does he really think you'd tolerate this?

And good for you for earning more! Don't you dare give him a penny of it.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 31/05/2012 21:02

Another "good for you" here as well. No-one needs something that destructive in their lives.

AThingInYourLife · 31/05/2012 21:02

He's still having the affair, in his head at least.

The only way you could begin to move on would be if he understood and acknowledged the awful way they both betrayed you.

He wants to stick with the script that the affair was understandable and you will all be great pals one day.

So your marriage is over.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 31/05/2012 21:02

If he wanted to save your marriage he would be telling you that he never wanted to see her again, not waiting for you to ask and then feeling surprised about it.

Sounds like he is too scared to make the break with you so is wanting you do do it for him.

I know it sounds like a stupid thing to say but I hope you are alright and that you have someone kind nearby to be with you right now.

susiedaisy · 31/05/2012 21:05

Liz at you sound strong, good for you, silly silly man I bet he won't know what he's lost until its gone (like so many of them)

susiedaisy · 31/05/2012 21:06

At ??Smile

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