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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's nephew put a pillow over my baby's face, should I warn parents of other newborn in family?

55 replies

booomy · 30/05/2012 22:04

Sorry name changed! Just incase!

DH's nephew is 6 and so incredibly spoilt. He has been he youngest in the family until my 1year old DD was born and is insanely jealous of DD! When he visits he tried to sit in (and broke) the bumbo, asked to be spoon fed by his mum. he is very babied anyway, he has a bottle before bed and a dummy at night! (he's 6 years old!!!)

I was baby sitting one evening, alone with DD and DH's nepheew. I was cooking dinner for nephew and thought they'd both been quiet. Our living/kitchen is open plan, I didn't leave a baby and a child alone. When I looked over nephew had a pillow over DD's face! I didn't know what to do and said, thaat's not very nice he can't breathe! When his dad collected him I didn't know what to say! i didn't mention the incident but I told MIL the next day. I know she told his mum, but nothing has been mentioned since.

i was willing to let it go, and just keep an eye on them both. I haven't babysitted, and don't intend to look after him again.

Trouble is now there is a new baby in the family.We won't be able to visit for a while as DD is ill, and I've seen on facebook that nephew and his mum are going tomorrow to visit. I was tempted to text mum of newborn and say something along the lines of
"I don't want this to be common knowledge, as it's not fair if it was silly mistake. But wanted to warn you that when nephew cam over, he help a pillow over DD's face. He' been a bit spiteful in other ways, breaking her toys and being rough. Just wanted to warn you to keep an eye out, but like I said please only talk to your DH about it!"

AIBU or not to text newborns mum? I know they won't be alone together anytime soon but may be in the future if new mum gets lumbered with babysitting, whhich she has done pre-new baby!

OP posts:

hattifattner · 30/05/2012 22:06

dont text. Phone. Texts can be shown and forwarded on. Just speak to her. But I would let her know.

sarahseashell · 30/05/2012 22:08

yes tell her, you don't need to make a big deal of it but let her know definitely

Notinmylife · 30/05/2012 22:08

Yes I think you should let her know, its not worth the risk of not saying anything, just in case!

FamiliesShareGerms · 30/05/2012 22:08

Agree with hatti - give them a call, and mention what happened as part of a general conversation.

AnyoneforTurps · 30/05/2012 22:09

YANBU to warn her but it would be much better to do it by phone or face-to-face than by text. Text/emails are dangerous because they can be forwarded or shown to other people and could get back to the mother of the nephew/

D0G · 30/05/2012 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boredandrestless · 30/05/2012 22:10

I think it's ok to speak to the mum on the phone but ONLY if she is not a stirrer and will keep your confidence. I would appreciate being told this. I wouldn't worry too much though - surely a first visit would mean a room of family cooing over newborn with little chance of newborn coming to any harm.

Original poster

booomy · 30/05/2012 22:10

Thanks! Will phone her tomorrow! :)

OP posts:

LingDiLong · 30/05/2012 22:10

Your nephew held a pillow over your DD's face and you 'didn't know what to do'??? Really? And you didn't know what to say to your brother/sister in law about it? I find it really odd that you couldn't remove the pillow and explain very firmly how dangerous it was and then tell his parents but you would happily text other people about it.

You should have handled it properly at the time, texting the other mother now will make you look like you enjoy a good gossip about how badly behaved another person's child is rather than that you are genuinely concerned.

MsVestibule · 30/05/2012 22:11

What Hatti said, i.e. phone, don't text or email. Definitely let her know. OK, you could be overreacting and your nephew's mum could be seriously pissed off if she finds out, but if you don't tell her and something happens...

mumofbumblebea · 30/05/2012 22:11

i'd let her know. but as it's your DH's family i'd get him to do it. if you do you will be seen as the evil SIL/DIL trying to cause trouble. if he does it he is more likely to be seen as trying to help.

Original poster

booomy · 30/05/2012 22:13

Dog he said he did it because the baby was being too noisy! She barely cries, and wasn't when it happened so I'm not sure if that was a lie (he is a bit of a liar aswell as being spolt) but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, hence not bringing it up with his mum!

Mum of newborn isn't a stirrer, but she can be a bit gossippy. I'm sure if I make it clear that it's not to be spread round she'll respect that though!

OP posts:

Mayisout · 30/05/2012 22:14

He might be much more accepting now of another new baby in the family so don't think I would say anything until I was with the new mum. It's quite a strong accusation to make about DN.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/05/2012 22:15

I wouldnt do it by text message, and personally I wouldn't be in any hurry to tell. I'd wait unitl the new baby hormones had worn off and there was likely to be a chance that DN will be left with the baby, otherwise it could freak the new Mum out a bit.

Original poster

booomy · 30/05/2012 22:16

LingDiLong do you think so? It was the first time i'd had the two of them together and I explained to him that she can't breathe if you do that to her. I was worried i'd seem gossipy, that's why I wanted some blunt AIBU advice! I honestly didn't know what to do and was too taken aback to speak to the mum, especially when the child was there. That's why I told MIL who spoke to the mum. It's a bit unfair to tell me how I should of reacted, I was in total shock when it happened!

OP posts:

blonderthanred · 30/05/2012 22:18

I would try and avoid the word spiteful, it may make her defensive and less likely to listen to you.

skybluepearl · 30/05/2012 22:19

phone her i agree. if you have to text keep it factual and keep the spiteful bit out as that's your take on it. Text only something that you would feel OK about if forwarded.

Please keep this between you and your DH, as was possibly just a silly mistake. When nephew cam over, he held a pillow over DD's face and has been rough in other ways also. I heard nephew is visiting you tomorrow and just thought I should mention the incident. I might be over reacting completely though but just had to let you know for safety reasons. Please could you keep this quiet though as I don't want to cause any upset in the family.

BillyBollyBandy · 30/05/2012 22:19

I would couch it in terms that dnephew doesn't always understand how delicate babies are and can be a little boisterous- so you tend to keep a little bit of an eye on him.

Rather than he tried to smother your first born, which is how it will sound even if that is not the case, if you say what happened and how worried you were.

Original poster

booomy · 30/05/2012 22:20

Thanks sky and billy very calm words! far less likely to instigate any arguments!

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 30/05/2012 22:21

A 6 year old should know not to put a cushion over a babies face by the way. His behavior is totally unacceptable and shouldn't have been tolerated. Next time really tell the boy off and ring his mother straight away.

cheesesarnie · 30/05/2012 22:22

hes 6, but youve branded him as spiteful and spoilt.

you as the grown up should have dealt with it properly in the first place.

by all meand tell the mum of newborn but id mention it to the nephews mum and dad first.just say 'i see youre going to see baby tomorrow, thought i should mention that he got a bit boisterous with dd, i wondered if he was feeling a bit jealous or pushed out with all these new babies and just wanted you to be aware of it.'

squeakytoy · 30/05/2012 22:24

It really isnt that rare that this happens.. my MIL told me that my husband did this to his baby brother. Husband would have been about 6, and baby about 6 weeks.. like you, she noticed it had gone quiet, and looked over to see my husband holding a cushion over the baby "because he wouldnt shut up"..

LingDiLong · 30/05/2012 22:26

Perhaps I am being unfair, I apologise. I guess it just seems strange to me that you were so shocked because I childmind a little boy who's incredibly rough with my DD at times so I'm used to a) dealing with it firmly and b) having to raise it with his mother.

I agree if you do text don't use the word spiteful, I'd text something briefer and more light hearted along the lines of, 'give my love to DN tomorrow, had lots of fun when he came round, DD still recovering from rough and tumble with her cousin though!'. That way you are giving a subtle heads up that he can be rough without saying anything that may come back to haunt you.

LingDiLong · 30/05/2012 22:27

Or what Billy suggests - I like that!

Original poster

booomy · 30/05/2012 22:27

yep I have cheese a six year old can be spoilt and spiteful! Would you not think that trying to suffocate a baby and breaking her toys and generally being rough is spiteful? I'm not saying that he's evil or the spawn of satan, but children can be jealous and spiteful! I'd be careful not to use that word to newborns mum, but that's what I feel his behviour is.

Nephews mum and dad already know, I've said that already. It was when DD was about 4 months, so a while ago, but this is the first time he will have been around a baby since. MIL told them. I was shocked from the incident and didn't know how to handle nephews paretns that's why MIL did! Much better than me being upset/not knowing what to say!

I didn't handle it well when it happened, but I was so baffled/worried about DD that I didn't know what to do. I also didn't want to tell his mum in front of him.

OP posts:

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