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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming with dd's school

91 replies

Molehillmountain · 30/05/2012 00:14

Dd who is in year one has brought home a beautifully written, very persuasive, invitation to an event that we can't attend, that she will have to be at school for whilst most of her class are involved in and that the teacher knows she can't be involved in because I told them from the outset. We'd already started letting dd know that she couldn't be involved but writing the invitation at school must have confused her and she has been in floods of tears over it. I know they can't do everything and have everything but I think this is rubbing her nose in it and I'm cross beyond belief. I am sorely tempted to keep her away from school that day. We have supported the school wholeheartedly since she began there but I am very upset. Every time I close my eyes to get to sleep I have visions of dd having a whole day of being upset.

OP posts:

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/05/2012 00:17

Are you going to drip feed information?

It is blatantly obvious that no-one could state YABU or not without the details of what the event is or why she can't attend.

On the surface however, it looks like YABVU!

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2012 00:18

It's hard to say without knowing what it is, how old she is and why she can't do it.

If you and your DH have explained exactly why she can't do it, why didn't she tell the teacher there was no point in making the invitation?

And if she's in floods of tears over it, surely it's because you won't let her do whatever it is, rather than because of the school?

sunnydelight · 30/05/2012 00:20

It sounds like she's upset because of a choice that you have made, so YABU to be pissed off with the school. No doubt you'll keep drip feeding info though until someone agrees with you!

startail · 30/05/2012 00:23

You are drip feeding and I suspect you have religious reasons why DD can't be involved in something and in my opinion they are often very unreasonable indeed.

Generally it's best to bit your tongue, hang your principles and let children have FUN!

giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 30/05/2012 00:26

I have no idea what you mean

RosemaryandThyme · 30/05/2012 00:27

So she is in school for the event but mum and dad can't go along to watch ?

could you rope in another friend or relative to go instead and watch her and give her a clap ?

if your abstaining on some political, ethical, religious type grounds and removing her from an activity then you have to accept the fall-out - miserable 6 year old and not expect the school system to bend for your personal views.

DuelingFanjo · 30/05/2012 00:31

it doesn't really matter why she can't be involved, does it? veryone jut wants to pull up their judgy pants but i am guesing you are not seeking opinions on why she can't be involved.

simple facy is - if you had already discussed it with school it is wrong that they sat her down to write an invite

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 30/05/2012 00:32

It sounds like your decision is causing distress for your child .
Can your child not take part and learn in the experience ?
Prejudice can arise from ignorance - we can avoid our children becoming prejudiced by allowing them to learn about other cultures and religions . then they will learn tolerance .
Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 30/05/2012 00:34

I assume she can't be involved because you have chosen that? Not that she's going to be harmed in any way if she does take part?

If she cannot attend the event due to health problems then Yanbu BUT if she can't take part because it involves something you dont like or is against your religion then YABU. Because she's at a school where others can do this thing...and she should be allowed to aswell.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2012 00:35

It's hard to say if it's wrong or not with so little info tbh.

If for example it's a Jubilee do on Friday and the OP and her DH are working so can't attend...as long as they explain that clearly to her, the school are not wrong imo to make sure she takes part in invitation making.

I'm sure some of the other kids will also have parents who can't make it and they'll RSVP accordingly.

All this is assumption on my part by the way as the OP has said diddly squat.

IAmBooybilee · 30/05/2012 00:45

i think OP's name is a dead giveaway TBH.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 30/05/2012 01:06

Mm yes.
OP hasn't been back either .

mummmsy · 30/05/2012 01:35

I imagine the original poster has been back but has been disheartened by all the caustic, aggressive replies.

also did you think that if op told the precise details of the event it may well totally out her?

yanbu, if school were already informed, they should not have got her to write the invite. totally unfair on the child. they should have arranged an alternative writing exercise.

I would be upset for my dd too if it was my child. If there is no way she can participate, and you think she will feel ostracised then i would keep her off that day. unfortunate the school can't make alternative arrangements

hope you sort it

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 30/05/2012 01:40

Is it your religion preventing her from participating in the Jubliee celebrations?

I feel quite strongly that if you send your children to 'the local school' then they should be able to join in with the activities to a certain degree - it really does no harm to observe a culture, even if you don't agree with it all. Making crowns, running races, waving to the Queen aren't going to do any harm.

I realise I'm making a lot of assumptions here - but you really didn't give us much to go on!!

FallenCaryatid · 30/05/2012 01:45

You make decisions for your child, so you need to be able to justify and explain things to her. Explain why she can't take part.

alarkaspree · 30/05/2012 01:57

If it's an event that she can't be involved in because you, as her parents, aren't available to go, then the school is at fault for not finding a way for her to be involved anyway.

If it's something that you are not allowing her to be involved in for religious or other reasons then I'd actually agree with you that keeping her off that day (or at least the relevant part of the day) would be the best thing to do. She's not going to be learning anything if all her classmates are doing something else anyway.

Groovee · 30/05/2012 04:11

I think it's hard to say either way with so little information.

What would your dd be doing while event takes place in school? Would she have to sit and watch her classmates or would a TA take any children not participating away and do some activities of a different nature?

If she is unable to participate due to your life choices, then you as a parent cannot expect the school to cancel or avoid things for just a small proportion of the school who won't participate.

marriedinwhite · 30/05/2012 07:25

I don't need any more details. If your child will be at school that day and this is a whole class event from which you have specifically excluded her, then you are being unreasonable. Whatever your beliefs schools are part of society and society is made up of a number of variables and as members of that society every child has to take part, to integrate and be allowed to make reasoned decisions for themselves which they can't do if they are excluded from parts of it.

Unless the school is doing something that is entirely at odds with discrimination laws I think you are being extremely unreasonable and feel for your daughter.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 30/05/2012 07:27

Well said married.

Clytaemnestra · 30/05/2012 07:41

Well, invite or not, she probably is going to have a day of being upset. A few maybe, because they're going to be talking about it the day after, mybe a week after and they might well do class projects on what they've done and all sorts.

If it is a moral/religious objection to what they're doing, that's OK. But your daughter is going to learn as she gets older that her religion/morals, if not the mainstream, ARE going to affect her life, and she can't do everything she wants to do or all the things other children are doing. It's a tough lesson, but if you don't go along with the majority, it's one that she has to learn as I assume you have learnt.

Keeping your daughter from attending this thing is not in itself unreasonable if you have a reason for it. Expecting the rest of the class to not do something because your daughter doesn't is unreasonabe. And in the case of the invitation, if she HADN'T been allowed to make one, she would have been equally excluded and come home in floods of tears because all the other children were making lovely invites and she wasn't allowed.

I think you need to accept that the decisions you make will impact on your daughter and she WILL be upset by these things. Its only you that can make the call about whether the payoff (religious or moral) is better than the upset.

GrahamTribe · 30/05/2012 07:42

It could be argued that there's no such thing as society, married.

Molehill, if you're refusing permission for your child to take part in the event on moral grounds, good on you. You have every right to your opinions and every right to bring your child up your way, not the school's or "society's" (whatever that would be if it existed).

But you can't expect everyone else to change for you and you can't expect a teacher of 30 to arrange something different for just one child in the average school. It's your job to explain to your DD that she must do as the rest of the class does for the convenience of her staff and the reason why she won't be attending the event.

If the event troubles you that much, by all means keep DD off that day. As you indicate, the chances are that she won't miss out on much formal learning that day.

cory · 30/05/2012 07:47

The OP does not specifically state that she has decided to exclude her child: it is possible that there are external reasons like SN over which she has no control (and which may not include discrimination). But if so:

she is BU for not stating this in her OP

it is still her job to help her dd find a way to cope

exoticfruits · 30/05/2012 07:49

I agree with marriedinwhite, it is a school day and it must be something that she obviously wants to do with everyone else but you are imposing your beliefs over her wishes.
It was a useless OP if you don't give the vital information needed.
On basis of OP YABU and you are the one causing your DC distress. She is not you and there is no reason why she should think the same.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2012 07:50

If OP comes back and adds the vital information I may give a different verdict.

LeeCoakley · 30/05/2012 07:52

'Oh that's a lovely invitation dd, and what lovely handwriting! It's a shame we can't be there but thank you for making this for us'.

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